Corrupt a Wish

stuart_c-2

Britain now has that weather, including the big sand storm so now your bike is buggered from being sand blasted.

I wish month end at work wasn’t so bloody boring.

xstrathyx

your month end suddenly becomes bearable as Jenna Jameson arrives to give you a pressie.

Alas her lad turns up slightly later and finds you both in an uncompromising position and proceeds to beat several shades of faeces out of you!

Wish it was 5pm, then i am off homeski!

rogue pieman

Wish granted. You arrive home early, just in time to see the missus kiss the milkman goodbye.

I wish there were escalators on some of them steep climbs.

lawman

there are escalators on steep climbs , but they are also on the down hills so everything is very boring.

i wish i hadnt run out of beer

Hercule Q

you havn't run out of beer but what you have is becks alcohol free beer


i wish i'd get paid sooner

rogue pieman

There y' go you've been paid sooner, but you've also spent it sooner too.

I wish I had a skip full of trifle.

Joe_Pineapples

A skip full of trifle miraculously appears in your front room. You start tucking in with real gusto, but after forcing spoonful after spoonful of trifle into your mouth, the level in the skip starts to drop and Bernard Manning's arse crack appears!

I wish I didn't have the body of a Greek God!

lawman

you dont have the body of a greek god, but have susan boyles body instead

i wish i could afford a new guitar

guilliano

You can afford a new guitar, but it's an Argos special and as you strum it the first time the strings all snap and tear your eyes out

I wish all my wishes would come true with no drawbacks

rogue pieman

All your wishes come true with no drawbacks, but everyone hates a smartarse.

Wish all these xfactor style programs would cease to exist.

cat_with_no_tail

x-factor style programmes cease to exist. They are all replaced by period dramas and chick flicks

I wish I didnt have to work tomorrow

Hercule Q

you dont have to work tomorrow so you go for a ride instead but as you fly down the trail you get a puncture 5 miles from home and you have no tubes and no repair kit so off you hike, on the way back you pass a circus and you hear some commotion so you go to see what the noise is about and you discover a lion has escaped and it bites your arms off and then your gang raped by russian clowns to the extent your anus becomes prolapsed and your forced into becoming a sideshow act called blossom!


i wish my knee wasn't still hurting

Joe_Pineapples

Your knee stops hurting, but only after you're arrested for thrusting said knee into the groin of a policeman on Friday night. You spend 2 nights in the cells where a large drunken clown called Vladimir continually buggers you whilst calling you 'Blossom' all weekend. This puzzles you as you were sure that the tv show 'Blossom' was never broadcast in the Soviet Union and your name is clearly Hercule.

I wish that Glentress would install chairlifts within the next ten hours so that I don't have to pedal when I get there.

Hercule Q

glentress install chairlifts in the next 10 hours but they're to take you back to the bottom of the hill

i wish there were no clowns within 120 miles of exmouth

guilliano

There are no clowns anywhere near Exmouth, but you are forced to move to Birmingham when the whole South West corner of England is destroyed by interstellar arachnids shooting blue rocky stuff from their bums and you are placed into the middle of a new community where everyone else is a Russian clown and they each proceed to relieve their stresses in ways you have now become familiar with and chanting "Blossom, Blossom" 24 hours a day

I wish I had a jam sandwich

cat_with_no_tail

Your jam sandwich arrives, it's delivered by a Russian man called Vladimir who wears funny face paint. He proceeds to bundle you into a burlap sack and carry you off on the back of his Elephant. You become the circus sex slave, providing 'satisfaction' to not only the clowns, but the monkeys, lions and elephants too. Your new circus name is...........you guessed it.......Blossom.

I wish my new Blu-ray player would hurry up and arrive, in full working order.

guilliano

Your Blu-Ray player arrives, nicely packaged and in full working order, but not until a load of Russian clowns have burgled you taking everything you own and removing all the bricks from your house. Before they leave you are subjected to a brutal ritual bum stuffing by each of them while they tattoo the word "Blossom" onto your lower back

I wish the Russian Circus wasn't coming to Aylesbury

cat_with_no_tail

The Russian circus dosent come to Aylesbury, it's your loss because the acrobats are quite amazing. The Russian Mafia on the other hand, decide to make Aylesbury their global HQ, specifically, your house. They force you to live in the basement, chained to a sink, where you are sodomized repeatedly by "Big Boris" and become known as............thats right...............fcuknut. You long for the days they used to call you Blossom.


I wish the wife didnt have to watch every single reality, celebrity, dancing, singing, big-brother piece-o-crap-o-rama on telly.

Gazlar

Your wish is granted, your TV jams on a channel with no reality TV, but instead it jams on a channel that only broadcasts man on man hardcore pornography, and news! But whats that Mr Newscaster? All tho foxy ladies on all the reality tv shows have been made to do the shows nude? Whats that Flavia Cacacia and Lilia Kopylova are doing the no pants dance with the new Aussioe dancer oiling them up, together? And now Leona Lewis and Ruth lorenzo are stripped off and warbling along, with all the goods on show. Its such a shame you can't watch that.

My wish is for a mother daughter 3sum with either Janet Ellis and Sophie Ellis bextor, or Sharon and Kelly osbourne, or both

Hercule Q

you get your mother daughter 3some with sophie ellis bexterbut its your mum and your sister doing her and your being forced to watch it from a sex swing whilst being fisted by this guy using nothing but your own blood as lubrcant and then you hear some chanting in the distance that sounds familier but you cant quite make it out, it sounds almost russian and its getting louder.

i wish i wasn't raised by perverts

cat_with_no_tail

You werent raised by perverts, you were raised by Russian Circus Clowns, blossom

I wish I had an unlimited supply of perfectly legal money with absolutely no strings attached.

guilliano

You have an unlimited supply of money with no strings attached,but the world stops using money and starts rationing items and services as per rank within society and you, having been made unemployed and convicted of money hording, are now amongst the lowest of the low (alongside chavs) and are allowed the equivalent of 12p per week to spend on your leisure activities.

I wish I wasn't bored

ramemtbers

you finnally go out on your bike ti kill the boredom but get lost in th dark by your self and have to wait for morning so you can find out where you are.

i wish i had an orange 224 evouloution 2010

Joe_Pineapples

You win a prize draw and the first prize is a brand new Orange 224 Evo 2010, but for next year Orange have decided to make the frame from recycled depleted uranium shot.
Your downhill career takes off, especially at night when your bike glows in the dark. Unfortunately so do your testicles, shining out like a beacon to every Russian clown for miles around.

I wish that Watership Down was on tv tonight.

ramemtbers

turns out that watership down is on tv tonight but its only on digital tv and you forgot to tune your digibox and you miss the whole thing as you dont know how to tune it. then you phone up the help line but like all help lines they are useless and say that they will sendsomeone around within the next two weeks.

i wish my friend would hurry up and buy my bike

guilliano

Your friend came round last night and bought your bike (at the original retail price.... result!!!) but you forgot to check it over and as he set off for a ride the frame snapped, jamming a nasty tube into his thigh and a chainring into his calf. He is now going to spend 3 months recouperating and is suing you.

I wish I had a Cafe Nero all to myself in the kitchen

Gazlar

But you do have a cafe nero in your kitchen, all to yourself, but oh no, you forgot to read the instructions on how to use the coffee maker and it explodes, leaving you horribly disfigured from scaulding hot water and shrapnel, now when you go out children point and laugh at you like some kind of freak.

I wish that the lovely Jenny McAlpine (fizz from corrie) would fall in love with me

cat_with_no_tail

Jenny McAlpine does fall in love with you, then you sober up :shock:

I wish I hadn't lost my cateye micro-wireless

thekickingmule

Your cat-eye micro wireless is found and returned.... by Chuck Norris who then beats seven shades of crap out of you for losing it in the first place.

I wish I could find a mountain biking housemate (preferably female, single and hot) to share the rent with

MacAndCheese

You find a mountain biking housemate who is single, female and hot, you even manage to pull her but then you find out that she's only been female for a couple of weeks and the surgeon hasn't finished with the twig and giggle-berries just yet.

I wish there was a trail centre in riding distance from my house.