Yeeha and Sheeps advice corner

VWsurfbum

AM I GAY?

I use SPD's (well crank bro's)
I have a bottle holder and use a bottle (during racing)
I wear Lycra (mainly just the top half)
I ride a 29er (because its faster than normal bikes)
I am married with two children (does this mean i'm covering it up)

Yours
Concerned In Essex

Anonymous

i wasnt sure until i read that you are married with kids.

the old married sketch is the oldest rick in the book so the official verdict is:

GAY

VWsurfbum

bugger, i better tell the wife then

Anonymous

if by "wife" you mean husband, yes, yes you should tell him.

jonesthepipe

what is an obvious, and why/when is it necessary?

Anonymous

obvious and necessary are words used in veiled speech.

once a term becomes well known, you can choose to inser the words obvious and necesary in place of the usual text for example:

tune of the day (a popular recurring thread in the crudcatcher)

becomes

obvious of the necesary

it requires the people listening to understand the circumstance in which the veiled speech is used.

see if you can figure out this example

if you are feeling bored, shove an obvious tied to some string up your necessary.

Anonymous

I must add that I'm not a particularly big fan of Sheep's veiled speech thing.

For example, "Obvious of the Necessary" could mean...

Eye of the storm
Eye of the needle
Cock of the north
Tip of the iceberg
Trooping of the colour
Centre of the city
Front of the car
Back of the car
Girl of the day
Tune of the day
Bike of the day
Tip of the day

and so on and so on.

coded messages are of no use if the code is so vague as to be incomprehensible.
Or
Obvious necessaries are of no use it the obvious is so necessary as to be obvious.

See? :roll:

Anonymous

its all about context and should be used carefully.

Anonymous

Like rape?

Anonymous

yeehaamcgee wrote:

Like rape?

eeeeexactly like rape.

nicklouse

Surprise

Anonymous

nicklouse wrote:

Surprise

this is actually the only way to get away with rape, fact.

snotty badger

So my bag of rohypnol is useless then? pah.

Anonymous

nicklouse wrote:

Surprise

Oh, hai.
What was your question, Nick?

soy_sauce

How can I put a tiger in my fridge?

Anonymous

soy_sauce wrote:

How can I put a tiger in my fridge?

you definately can, if the ancient egyptians taught us anything, they taught us that you can put big cats into boxes.

you will want to chop it into 10 pieces and you should have a bag of guts and offal. once you need to use your fridge for something else, take all of the tiger round to your neighbour house.


i once got called to a bomb job when an oldish man found what he thought was a bomb in his garden under his depleted compost heap. we used detectors to findout the size o what we had been called to look at and it gave all the signs that we had a 1000lb general purpose bomb.

the area was evacuated and as we excavated down to it we found that waht we really had was a frdige buried in the garden with a ww2 bomb tail fin assembly ontop for lord only knows what reason.

was very annoying.

best part of the job was when teapot 1 turned up on sight which was the police burger van. turns out there used to be 3, teapot 1 teapot 2 and teapot 3 but know one knows where teapot 2 is anymore.

true story.

nicklouse

I have Half a small Honeydew melon.

whyamihere

Someone I know tells me that it's not rape if you leave them alive afterwards. I always thought that it wasn't rape if you killed them first, as dead girls can't say no. Who's right?

Anonymous

nick, you want to get the warmed up a bit, hollow out a little (or large) hole and go to town on that bad boy.

also, its nice with ham. (melon that is, not the other thing, unless the ham is raw and in a coffee jar of course)

Anonymous

whyamihere wrote:

Someone I know tells me that it's not rape if you leave them alive afterwards. I always thought that it wasn't rape if you killed them first, as dead girls can't say no. Who's right?

this is an akward one, strictly speaking, you havent really done a proper rape unless the rapee ends up in a ditch with his/her head pointing backwards but in some places everything upto the head pointing backwards thing is considerred tabboo, i dont mind it to be honest.

it definately is not rape if she is already dead, in fact, its actually quite nice.

i used to go out with a girl who had an enormous vagina and she was always wetter than an otters pocket. fucking her was exactly like fucking a dead person.

Mynameisdann

Ive got a free house for the week what would be the best thing to do

Anonymous

Mynameisdann wrote:

Ive got a free house for the week what would be the best thing to do

burn it down. burn everything down.

Mancunianfightingcat

Question, can I catch blue waffle if I frequent a currently infected place?

Anonymous

Mancunianfightingcat wrote:

Question, can I catch blue waffle if I frequent a currently infected place?

definately can, if you do though you will be fine as long as it doesnt spread from your crotchal region to all the way round your waist, at that point you top half will fall off your bottom half

Anonymous

forgot to say, you can avoid accidentally ending up with a waffle infected bird by going in for a bit of a finger recce.

whilst snogging the bird in question, reach into her pants for a finger recce then put that hand round the back of her head, and gently (we're not trying to turn it backwards at this point) pul her head down so you can kiss her neck.

she will love it and as long as you have reached far round enough with your stinky finger you can give it a sniff whilst you kiss her neck, she will think you are being all sexy and whatnot but really you will be finding out the state of her clopper.

xstrathyx

First anniversary tomorrow, missus says she wants something paper and the queens head on it.

was thinking about perfume, but apparently i am not to go shopping for her on my jack jones!

So dilemma...........what do i get Mrs Strathy...?????

Anonymous

thing about anniversaries is that they are for her, yes, but they are also for YOU.

buy something you want for yourself, if she really loves you she will be happy and see the funny side.

on a more serious note, the first anniversary should be a paper gift so i would say the best thing to buy and will deffo get you in a certain someones* good books is a nice voucher for evans cycles. its made of paper and you can buy summat you want with it whilst she cooks you a delicious meal.




*yourself.

GiantMike

Chaps

I've devised my own language which I plan to teach only to sexy sporty lesbians via my website www.sexy-lesbian-tongue-action.com.

As lesbians think of nothing other than hot filthy sex, most of the language is hot filthy sex-based, but I have unfortunately run out of inspiration for the final words to complete my dyke dictionary.

Please could you give me some inspiration for words I could use as a translation for the following words:

suck

these

hot

nipples

now

and

b1tch

Thanks in advance.

Mike

Anonymous

GiantMike wrote:

suck

these

hot

nipples

now

and

b1tch

you

are

all

going

to

hell

they should get the message i reckon, after all, god hates gays.

GiantMike

Chaps

I'm devising a sports event to rival the forthcoming London Olympics in 2012. I reckon there's a lot of money to be made by combining several different disciplines. I'm favouring a tannoyed, fancy dress ape-based, fully erect, semi-naked small table sports event.

I plan to call it Bing Bong King Kong Long Schlong Ping Pong

BBC Sports have shown interest in the rights, mainly for the sporty lesbian market, but I'd have to have a go on Clare Balding to seal the deal. You guys seem to want to have a go on anything, fancy a go on her (while wearing a GiantMike mask and slippers combo)?

Thanks in advance

Mike