The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2022 **Spoilers**

Lanterne_Rogue

Yes, it's time for the most eagerly awaited post of the year!

The one where I type up the results from the Champs Elysees and privately swear that I'll never do this nonsense again. But before that we've got three whole weeks of the Tour de France to suffer and once again I've signed up to do my best to make it as miserable as possible.

Fans of cycling meanwhile know that the Lanterne Rouge is by far the most engrossing contest of the Tour, featuring as it does a mixture of old and future favourites, heroic deeds, and not even the slightest whiff of performance enhancing pharmaceuticals. It even lasts longer than the yellow jersey competition, with 2021's winner Tim Declercq spending five hours - a typical stage - out on the road longer than whichever impatient sod won the inferior jersey. Unfortunately Declercq has already been ruled out with Covid, so whatever happens we're guaranteed a change of holder.


To get you in the mood (specifically, despair) here's the previous years' threads for your entertainment and bafflement:

2021
2020
2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2010

ddraver

Lanterne_Rogue

Should also note that those crazy Danes are starting the Tour on a Friday, because... I dunno, really.

Expect at least one rider to forget and make a bold entrance to the Lanterne Rouge by starting a whole stage behind everyone else.

nicholl.simon

Hi LR,
The return of your meisterwerk pleases me massively- this thread is the best read of the the year and much appreciated. Cheque's in the post, etc...
Let the superb nonsense begin!
Cheers,
Simon.

No_Ta_Doctor

Starting this thread two days before the race starts feels... Out of keeping with the competition itself.

Lanterne_Rogue

No_Ta_Doctor said:

Starting this thread two days before the race starts feels... Out of keeping with the competition itself.

Surely rushing to catch up is the antithesis of the LR?

Pross

It's going to take someone special to make any meaningful early retreats down the leaderboard. They'll be praying for a crosswind klaxon as the profiles in Denmark are so flat they make the Lille - Arenburg stage look positively mountainous. Going to be very hard to convince a DS that time loss isn't a selfish act of glory hunting.

There could also be some new names emerging as teams pluck the nearest local with a BSO to fill gaps in the team left by riders who mysteriously self-certify with Covid ahead of summer holiday season starting.

bm5

Just realized that Vingegaard was crying at the team presentation because he knows he has very little chance of appearing in this thread.

andyp

It would only take a moment a la Sivakov for that to change for Vingegaard.

kingstongraham

bm5 said:

Just realized that Vingegaard was crying at the team presentation because he knows he has very little chance of appearing in this thread.

Maybe not this year, but he can dream big. Don't forget there's a rider who went from dead last to a top 10 finish in only 4 years.

ddraver

There has been a real dearth of local characters in this competition since the retirement of Jerome's Cousin...

Can the French finally find a competitor?

takethehighroad

kingstongraham said:

bm5 said:

Just realized that Vingegaard was crying at the team presentation because he knows he has very little chance of appearing in this thread.

Maybe not this year, but he can dream big. Don't forget there's a rider who went from dead last to a top 10 finish in only 4 years.

Who is this rider? The only one I can think of is G finishing second last in 2007 and winning 11 years later

pblakeney

takethehighroad said:

kingstongraham said:

bm5 said:

Just realized that Vingegaard was crying at the team presentation because he knows he has very little chance of appearing in this thread.

Maybe not this year, but he can dream big. Don't forget there's a rider who went from dead last to a top 10 finish in only 4 years.

Who is this rider? The only one I can think of is G finishing second last in 2007 and winning 11 years later

I think you are reading the Lanterne Rouge the wrong way round.

andyp

takethehighroad said:

kingstongraham said:

bm5 said:

Just realized that Vingegaard was crying at the team presentation because he knows he has very little chance of appearing in this thread.

Maybe not this year, but he can dream big. Don't forget there's a rider who went from dead last to a top 10 finish in only 4 years.

Who is this rider? The only one I can think of is G finishing second last in 2007 and winning 11 years later

Froome.

Lanterne_Rogue

Thomas never really fulfilled his early promise - despite taking all sorts of remarkable tumbles in his career, he's never quite managed to do it when it really matters.

Lanterne_Rogue

With literally fevered excitement - including Mr Bob Jungels, who swears it's non-transmissable and has somewhat unusually produced a note from his mum that allows him to do PE - here's a few names to look out for.

Michael Mørkøv

The highest finisher from last year's Lanterne to return this year, Mørkøv will want to put on a show for his home crowd in the opening ITT and was showing some precious early season form in the Giro before being forced to quit. The big question is over the selection policies of his team - without anchor man Mark Cavendish, can they find enough time in the hills to deliver another victory?

Mads Pedersen

Another highly ranked Dane last year, Pedersen isn't yet showing the sort of form to challenge for the Lanterne - with second place in the national championships suggesting that his form is nowhere near the required level, but class will out.

Chris Froome

Strongly tipped by your correspondent last year, this might finally be the year that Froome delivers on Israel Start-Up Nation's massive investment (I have no idea what their sponsor does, but presumably it's providing flat-pack illegal settlements or something). A strong run of results this season, including being timed out in the Tour of the Alps, culminated in an early retirement from the Critical Dolphin (Are you sure Google Translate got that right? - Ed.) lest he accidentally ride into any sort of condition. Definitely one to watch, not least as any early moves will be written off by credulous pundits as an attempt to lose time in order to go stage hunting. Rumours about the science behind Froome's remarkable transformation will no doubt continue to dog him, but most French fans would love to see him finally grab the Lanterne.

Cyril Lemoine

Returning to the Tour after several year's absence, Lemoine is possibly the best hope for the French to reclaim a contest they once dominated. Sponsored by B&B Hotels, the team are rumoured to have imported special lumpy mattresses and noisy stag parties to Copenhagen in order to provide Lemoine with every possible aid to a performance-sapping restless night.

Luke Rowe

Earlier this week the Guardian's cycling correspondent suggested that Geraint Thomas was ideally suited to the opening week of the Tour, which will be "characterised by crosswinds, cobbles and crashes". I'll leave you to provide your own punchline there. If Thomas does deliver though - and one of his more famous accidents involved all three coming together more or less at once - the man charged with dragging him back out of the ditch will be the grizzled road captain himself. Perhaps a sentimental pick, it'd be fantastic to see Rowe roll back the years.



Finally there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable, but it seems the police are paying very close attention, no doubt due to rumours of mysterious packets of Horlicks and a bulk order of Mogadon to the team hotel. One to keep an eye on...

kingstongraham

Lanterne_Rogue said:

there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable,

Kamil Gradek was second at the Dauphine - if that's not showing form at the right time, I don't know what is.

Lanterne_Rogue

kingstongraham said:

Lanterne_Rogue said:

there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable,

Kamil Gradek was second at the Dauphine - if that's not showing form at the right time, I don't know what is.

Possibly. In general though there's no-one in their team that I could see had ever gone close at the big one, and on a team level it's remarkable how few of their riders make it anywhere near to the interesting end of the race - I think there's something systematic going on there. Haller would have been an obvious pick but isn't (at least when I checked) present.

kingstongraham

Lanterne_Rogue said:

kingstongraham said:

Lanterne_Rogue said:

there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable,

Kamil Gradek was second at the Dauphine - if that's not showing form at the right time, I don't know what is.

Possibly. In general though there's no-one in their team that I could see had ever gone close at the big one, and on a team level it's remarkable how few of their riders make it anywhere near to the interesting end of the race - I think there's something systematic going on there. Haller would have been an obvious pick but isn't (at least when I checked) present.

He is, but not for Bahrain Victorious any more.

However I think Jakobsen's form from last year's Vuelta points towards the linoleum floggers having an unbeatable pairing out back.

Lanterne_Rogue

kingstongraham said:

Lanterne_Rogue said:

kingstongraham said:

Lanterne_Rogue said:

there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable,

Kamil Gradek was second at the Dauphine - if that's not showing form at the right time, I don't know what is.

Possibly. In general though there's no-one in their team that I could see had ever gone close at the big one, and on a team level it's remarkable how few of their riders make it anywhere near to the interesting end of the race - I think there's something systematic going on there. Haller would have been an obvious pick but isn't (at least when I checked) present.

He is, but not for Bahrain Victorious any more.

However I think Jakobsen's form from last year's Vuelta points towards the linoleum floggers having an unbeatable pairing out back.

Aha, must have not spotted Haller elsewhere. He's a regular in the Lanterne reports, hence being alert to him - he's a decent pick for a top ten at least.

pinno

I hope sponsorship, DS's and commercialisation don't kill this competition. It has to be done for the love of the sport, not money.

Lanterne_Rogue

Kirby, or not Kirby: that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous nonsense,
Or press remote and to a sea of adverts,
Though Ned and Dave between them. Van Aert, Toms Skujiņš-
No more.

Perchance to dream - ay, there's the rub,
For in road rash what time may come?
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause, for there's respect
Of immortal lanterne's call.
For who would bear the whips and scorn of time
The pangs of well-missed breaks, the hors delai
Twitter's unworthy takes and would his quietus make
To grunt and sweat under a weary life
And Kirby's commentary bear
Whose brain's an undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No half-formed thought returns -

Soft pedal now...

The Tragedy of Hamlet, by William Shakespoke

And so to Copenhagen, where contenders for the Lanterne faced something of a lottery with regards to the weather, although looking at the names at the bottom it looks like the cream has indeed risen to the top with plenty of familiar names showing their hands early.

The course was liberally dosed with aqua, no doubt in homage to the local earworm merchants, which gave everyone plenty of opportunities to lose time. Perhaps the oddest rider in this respect was Bissegger, who somehow failed to make a mark on LR despite binning it twice, and Geraint Thomas' unique aerodynamic aid - an extra big gilet over the skin suit - shows that Ineos are still searching for those all important marginal gains. Expect Luke Rowe to feature highly over the next three weeks...

Life in plastic:

167 PETIT Adrien Intermarché - Wanty - Gobert Matériaux 2:00
168 SBARAGLI Kristian Alpecin-Deceuninck 2:07
169 ROWE Luke INEOS Grenadiers ,,
170 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team BikeExchange - Jayco 2:11
171 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies 2:22
172 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 2:24
173 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech 2:25
174 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM 2:30
175 MOZZATO Luca B&B Hotels - KTM 2:34
176 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 2:41

specialgueststar

Already sorting out who is potential KoM , lead out , domestique,stage win .and who is already racing down the Marianna trench

Lanterne_Rogue

Pierre Rolland is the interesting one there. Could this finally be the year?

Pross

B&B Hotels are going early for the team prize

specialgueststar

Lanterne_Rogue said:

Pierre Rolland is the interesting one there. Could this finally be the year?

He'll Be going for koM but you are right a strategy is to employ marche arriere everywhere else. But Rolland is too high profile for this. He could certainly lead out one of his to team mates ,- he has the experience Mozzato is glued to his wheel

bm5

A "frison" of excitement !

No_Ta_Doctor

My money is on Luke Rowe "the boat ashore, Hallelujah".
He was displaying utter professionalism as he came past us yesterday, calm, relaxed, nonchalant, slow.

Lanterne_Rogue

And as the procession moved through the country, all the people at the windows, and all the people at the doors, and all the people at the side of the road said "it will be a wonderful bridge!".

And all the people in the commentary boxes were worried, because they had nothing else to talk about. "We're not unfit for our positions," they said. "And we're not fools either. Perhaps the bridge really is wonderful?"

And so the commentators filled the airtime with nothing but praise for the marvellous bridge, except for Carlton Kirby, who had no fear of being seen as foolish and was still chuckling over his latest reference to 'Turbo Durbo'.

And then they got to the bridge, and a little voice rang out from a small boy, saying -

"It's only a bridge!"

- from The Emperor's New Bridge, by Hans Christian Vande Velde

And so to the somewhat unimaginatively named Stage 2, in which everyone learnt what it's like to be middle aged and middle class and unreasonably obsessed with Bridge. Crueller critics considered that the commentary today was like being caught inside a bowdlerised version of the Prime Minister's brain - essentially bridges being mentioned everywhere - although I think we can discount that scenario unless tomorrow's stage is suddenly relocated to Ukraine to try and cover up whatever the latest scandal is.

In the actual racing, B&B Hotels somehow lost their booking in the breakaway despite contributing fully half the riders, King Kung went ape, Geraint Thomas shocked everyone by staying upright, and the commissionaires looked at the crashes in the final 3km, threw their hands up in the air, and awarded everyone the same finishing time on the basis that any riders who are particularly upset can sort it out in the car park later in time honoured fashion - at least if they ride for a French team.

That means no changes in the overall, and I'm not sticking 176 names up for the day's result. Join us tomorrow for the numerically appropriate Stage Three.


Well, Barbie, we are just getting started:

167 PETIT Adrien Intermarché - Wanty - Gobert Matériaux 2:00
168 SBARAGLI Kristian Alpecin-Deceuninck 2:07
169 ROWE Luke INEOS Grenadiers ,,
170 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team BikeExchange - Jayco 2:11
171 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies 2:22
172 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 2:24
173 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech 2:25
174 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM 2:30
175 MOZZATO Luca B&B Hotels - KTM 2:34
176 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 2:41

kingstongraham

There's an argument for bonus seconds

No_Ta_Doctor

The reason there were no echelons on the bridge is that Luke Rowe didn't want to risk his 8th place.