The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2022 **Spoilers**

in Pro race
Yes, it's time for the most eagerly awaited post of the year!
The one where I type up the results from the Champs Elysees and privately swear that I'll never do this nonsense again. But before that we've got three whole weeks of the Tour de France to suffer and once again I've signed up to do my best to make it as miserable as possible.
Fans of cycling meanwhile know that the Lanterne Rouge is by far the most engrossing contest of the Tour, featuring as it does a mixture of old and future favourites, heroic deeds, and not even the slightest whiff of performance enhancing pharmaceuticals. It even lasts longer than the yellow jersey competition, with 2021's winner Tim Declercq spending five hours - a typical stage - out on the road longer than whichever impatient sod won the inferior jersey. Unfortunately Declercq has already been ruled out with Covid, so whatever happens we're guaranteed a change of holder.
To get you in the mood (specifically, despair) here's the previous years' threads for your entertainment and bafflement:
2021
2020
2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2010
The one where I type up the results from the Champs Elysees and privately swear that I'll never do this nonsense again. But before that we've got three whole weeks of the Tour de France to suffer and once again I've signed up to do my best to make it as miserable as possible.
Fans of cycling meanwhile know that the Lanterne Rouge is by far the most engrossing contest of the Tour, featuring as it does a mixture of old and future favourites, heroic deeds, and not even the slightest whiff of performance enhancing pharmaceuticals. It even lasts longer than the yellow jersey competition, with 2021's winner Tim Declercq spending five hours - a typical stage - out on the road longer than whichever impatient sod won the inferior jersey. Unfortunately Declercq has already been ruled out with Covid, so whatever happens we're guaranteed a change of holder.
To get you in the mood (specifically, despair) here's the previous years' threads for your entertainment and bafflement:
2021
2020
2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2010
5
Posts
- @ddraver
Expect at least one rider to forget and make a bold entrance to the Lanterne Rouge by starting a whole stage behind everyone else.
The return of your meisterwerk pleases me massively- this thread is the best read of the the year and much appreciated. Cheque's in the post, etc...
Let the superb nonsense begin!
Cheers,
Simon.
@DrHeadgear
The Vikings are coming!
There could also be some new names emerging as teams pluck the nearest local with a BSO to fill gaps in the team left by riders who mysteriously self-certify with Covid ahead of summer holiday season starting.
Can the French finally find a competitor?
- @ddraver
I am not sure. You have no chance.
Michael Mørkøv
The highest finisher from last year's Lanterne to return this year, Mørkøv will want to put on a show for his home crowd in the opening ITT and was showing some precious early season form in the Giro before being forced to quit. The big question is over the selection policies of his team - without anchor man Mark Cavendish, can they find enough time in the hills to deliver another victory?
Mads Pedersen
Another highly ranked Dane last year, Pedersen isn't yet showing the sort of form to challenge for the Lanterne - with second place in the national championships suggesting that his form is nowhere near the required level, but class will out.
Chris Froome
Strongly tipped by your correspondent last year, this might finally be the year that Froome delivers on Israel Start-Up Nation's massive investment (I have no idea what their sponsor does, but presumably it's providing flat-pack illegal settlements or something). A strong run of results this season, including being timed out in the Tour of the Alps, culminated in an early retirement from the Critical Dolphin (Are you sure Google Translate got that right? - Ed.) lest he accidentally ride into any sort of condition. Definitely one to watch, not least as any early moves will be written off by credulous pundits as an attempt to lose time in order to go stage hunting. Rumours about the science behind Froome's remarkable transformation will no doubt continue to dog him, but most French fans would love to see him finally grab the Lanterne.
Cyril Lemoine
Returning to the Tour after several year's absence, Lemoine is possibly the best hope for the French to reclaim a contest they once dominated. Sponsored by B&B Hotels, the team are rumoured to have imported special lumpy mattresses and noisy stag parties to Copenhagen in order to provide Lemoine with every possible aid to a performance-sapping restless night.
Luke Rowe
Earlier this week the Guardian's cycling correspondent suggested that Geraint Thomas was ideally suited to the opening week of the Tour, which will be "characterised by crosswinds, cobbles and crashes". I'll leave you to provide your own punchline there. If Thomas does deliver though - and one of his more famous accidents involved all three coming together more or less at once - the man charged with dragging him back out of the ditch will be the grizzled road captain himself. Perhaps a sentimental pick, it'd be fantastic to see Rowe roll back the years.
Finally there's no obvious pick from the Bahrain Victorious stable, but it seems the police are paying very close attention, no doubt due to rumours of mysterious packets of Horlicks and a bulk order of Mogadon to the team hotel. One to keep an eye on...
However I think Jakobsen's form from last year's Vuelta points towards the linoleum floggers having an unbeatable pairing out back.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous nonsense,
Or press remote and to a sea of adverts,
Though Ned and Dave between them. Van Aert, Toms Skujiņš-
No more.
Perchance to dream - ay, there's the rub,
For in road rash what time may come?
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil
Must give us pause, for there's respect
Of immortal lanterne's call.
For who would bear the whips and scorn of time
The pangs of well-missed breaks, the hors delai
Twitter's unworthy takes and would his quietus make
To grunt and sweat under a weary life
And Kirby's commentary bear
Whose brain's an undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No half-formed thought returns -
Soft pedal now...
The Tragedy of Hamlet, by William Shakespoke
And so to Copenhagen, where contenders for the Lanterne faced something of a lottery with regards to the weather, although looking at the names at the bottom it looks like the cream has indeed risen to the top with plenty of familiar names showing their hands early.
The course was liberally dosed with aqua, no doubt in homage to the local earworm merchants, which gave everyone plenty of opportunities to lose time. Perhaps the oddest rider in this respect was Bissegger, who somehow failed to make a mark on LR despite binning it twice, and Geraint Thomas' unique aerodynamic aid - an extra big gilet over the skin suit - shows that Ineos are still searching for those all important marginal gains. Expect Luke Rowe to feature highly over the next three weeks...
Life in plastic:
167 PETIT Adrien Intermarché - Wanty - Gobert Matériaux 2:00
168 SBARAGLI Kristian Alpecin-Deceuninck 2:07
169 ROWE Luke INEOS Grenadiers ,,
170 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team BikeExchange - Jayco 2:11
171 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies 2:22
172 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 2:24
173 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech 2:25
174 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM 2:30
175 MOZZATO Luca B&B Hotels - KTM 2:34
176 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 2:41
He was displaying utter professionalism as he came past us yesterday, calm, relaxed, nonchalant, slow.
@DrHeadgear
The Vikings are coming!
And all the people in the commentary boxes were worried, because they had nothing else to talk about. "We're not unfit for our positions," they said. "And we're not fools either. Perhaps the bridge really is wonderful?"
And so the commentators filled the airtime with nothing but praise for the marvellous bridge, except for Carlton Kirby, who had no fear of being seen as foolish and was still chuckling over his latest reference to 'Turbo Durbo'.
And then they got to the bridge, and a little voice rang out from a small boy, saying -
"It's only a bridge!"
- from The Emperor's New Bridge, by Hans Christian Vande Velde
And so to the somewhat unimaginatively named Stage 2, in which everyone learnt what it's like to be middle aged and middle class and unreasonably obsessed with Bridge. Crueller critics considered that the commentary today was like being caught inside a bowdlerised version of the Prime Minister's brain - essentially bridges being mentioned everywhere - although I think we can discount that scenario unless tomorrow's stage is suddenly relocated to Ukraine to try and cover up whatever the latest scandal is.
In the actual racing, B&B Hotels somehow lost their booking in the breakaway despite contributing fully half the riders, King Kung went ape, Geraint Thomas shocked everyone by staying upright, and the commissionaires looked at the crashes in the final 3km, threw their hands up in the air, and awarded everyone the same finishing time on the basis that any riders who are particularly upset can sort it out in the car park later in time honoured fashion - at least if they ride for a French team.
That means no changes in the overall, and I'm not sticking 176 names up for the day's result. Join us tomorrow for the numerically appropriate Stage Three.
Well, Barbie, we are just getting started:
167 PETIT Adrien Intermarché - Wanty - Gobert Matériaux 2:00
168 SBARAGLI Kristian Alpecin-Deceuninck 2:07
169 ROWE Luke INEOS Grenadiers ,,
170 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team BikeExchange - Jayco 2:11
171 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies 2:22
172 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 2:24
173 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech 2:25
174 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM 2:30
175 MOZZATO Luca B&B Hotels - KTM 2:34
176 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 2:41
@DrHeadgear
The Vikings are coming!