The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2022 **Spoilers**
Comments
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Disappointing day all round really. Except for the bedtime story from Rogue - thanks
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That's the effect of that block headwind. There's nothing like a good crosswind for splits and echelons for the genuine LR contender to exploit on a pancake stage (with sprinkles).bm5 said:Disappointing day all round really. Except for the bedtime story from Rogue - thanks
My greatest hope is that when something actually does happen, Kirby and Hatch will get so excited, they'll end up on gardening leave due to ticker/bladder problems and then... Eurosport could employ some true veterans like the talented brothers Flores or Jimmy Casper, Wim Vantenementblock.
It vexes me no end that they don't clear out all the cars when the LR contenders are battling to get spat out of the front. Those cars just suck them right back in to the mix.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Oh for FFS. This is utterly farcical.
We can all agree that the Lanterne Rouge is the premier competition in world cycling, being open to any rider of any particular speciality. Climbers, time trialists, sprinters... all are welcome.
It's therefore to be lamented that the provisional results last night were utterly, utterly misleading. Conspiracy theorists will note that the decision to recognise the splits was only taken a) after the opportunity for a very boozy supper, b) after some numpty in Stockley Park drew a coloured line at random and decided someone's knee hairs were fractionally in front of another coloured line drawn essentially at random, and c) once they realised that a French rider had actually taken the stage honours. In interviews later Turgis commented that "Je n’ai pas voulu faire le grand plongeon!", and I'm fairly sure all of us agree a grand plongeon is second only to the wagon balai on the list of things to avoid.
The lanterne however doesn't go to Turgis - a long effort in the opening time trial, and careful marking of Turgis on what was surely a bridge too far meant that Ruben Guerreiro now holds the most prestigious non-jersey in cycling.
Grand Days Out:
170 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 8:17
171 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco ,,
172 CORT Magnus EF Education-EasyPost ,,
173 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 11:04
174 DAINESE Alberto Team DSM ,,
175 GUERREIRO Ruben EF Education-EasyPost ,,
176 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 11:23
Grand Day's Plongeons:
167 174 ▲7 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM 2:31
168 175 ▲7 MOZZATO Luca B&B Hotels - KTM 2:35
169 176 ▲7 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 2:42
170 11 ▼159 CORT Magnus EF Education-EasyPost 8:39
171 110 ▼61 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco 9:32
172 159 ▼13 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 10:07
173 80 ▼93 DAINESE Alberto Team DSM 12:06
174 107 ▼67 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 12:19
175 81 ▼94 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 12:25
176 147 ▼29 GUERREIRO Ruben EF Education-EasyPost 12:43
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I object to this use of 'plongeons', as it is entirely incorrect.
One prefers 'ascension fulgurante' or as the eloquent Kelly (who spent most of his career at the wrong end of the peloton) would put it - "Well...".seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Hwaet! The bike-Danes glory through splendid achievements!
Grind on the big ring, sweat on the tyre road,
Crowds on the bike path, their spotted hero greeting,
The point seeking climber, sturdy-bodied wheelman,
Son of the land of Lego, bright tubs gleaming...
- introduction to The Saga Of Magnus the Dane
And so to Stage Three, where everyone began to get a bit worried that the Danes might have got a bit overexcited here and so - in the interests of safety - did nothing to encourage them. Magnus Cort went off up the road at kilometre zero, everyone else ripped their earpieces out so that they didn't have to listen to their Directeurs Sportif going ape in the convoy behind them, and we all settled in to watch the frankly astonishing number of Danish fans going nuts by the side of the road.
At one point so little was happening that we had to have yet another recap of yesterday's bridge, which as the breakout star of the Grand Depart is going to give the tourist board one hell of a difficult decision. Yes, Copenhagen is a marvellous place that's full of some of Europe's best bars and there's those marvellous viking ships, but apparently anglophones are all about the bridge. The guy who's just built their entire advertising campaign around Legoland must be bricking it.
In the race for the Lanterne it appears that Cort is definitely now trying the age-old tactic of getting out front to placate the sponsors and waste energy before getting caught and slipping straight out the back - a strategy we might dub maximal gains - but it's Turgis who's keeping the home fires burning even though the race is abroad. It's not entirely clear whether he was caught by the plongeon-du-jour or simply too far behind to even see it, but taking over four minutes on a perfectly flat stage by displaying less than TotalEnergies suggests he might have what it takes - unless, of course, his injuries from yesterday mean he's peaked too soon.
Finally the move of the day came from Maxime Bouet, who was so shocked to see the Queen of England that he promptly fell off his bike. Apparently she's a lot smaller than she looks on a five pound note.
If only they could turn back time:
157 MÜHLBERGER Gregor Movistar Team 3:27
158 DOMBROWSKI Joe Astana Qazaqstan Team ,,
159 WALSCHEID Max Cofidis ,,
160 PÉRICHON Pierre-Luc Cofidis ,,
161 MAJKA Rafał UAE Team Emirates ,,
162 CASTROVIEJO Jonathan INEOS Grenadiers ,,
163 ROLLAND Pierre B&B Hotels - KTM ,,
164 GUERREIRO Ruben EF Education-EasyPost ,,
165 LAFAY Victor Cofidis ,,
166 PEREZ Anthony Cofidis ,,
167 HIRSCHI Marc UAE Team Emirates ,,
168 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco ,,
169 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech ,,
170 HAMILTON Chris Team DSM ,,
171 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo ,,
172 BONNAMOUR Franck B&B Hotels - KTM ,,
173 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 4:37
174 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies ,,
175 OSS Daniel TotalEnergies 5:26
176 CLARKE Simon Israel - Premier Tech 5:46
They would stay for the night:
167 119 ▼48 OSS Daniel TotalEnergies 6:57
168 164 ▼4 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu TotalEnergies 7:06
169 124 ▼45 CLARKE Simon Israel - Premier Tech 7:19
170 172 ▲2 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 10:52
171 170 ▼1 CORT Magnus EF Education-EasyPost 12:10
172 173 ▲1 DAINESE Alberto Team DSM 12:12
173 174 ▲1 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 12:25
174 171 ▼3 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco 13:05
175 176 ▲1 GUERREIRO Ruben EF Education-EasyPost 16:16
176 175 ▼1 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 17:08
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Healthy lead being established by those two.0
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I have a feeling some of those are going to fall off the leaderboard once we hit lumpy terrain. Breakaways will ruin their challenges.The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
I've not yet seen any suggestion either have anything other than road rash and bruising. I wouldn't rule out a challenge from either - Turgis has appeared in these reports before - but it's not normally until the second week that the picture usually settles down, at least in the absence of a Lawson Craddock etc.
The early rest day for the Danish transfer gives them a day to recover slightly too, which might play against them.0 -
Re: Magnus Cort - what is the opposite of a la Zubeldia?0
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I don't think we've ever had a name for it, until nowkingstongraham said:Re: Magnus Cort - what is the opposite of a la Zubeldia?
Warning No formatter is installed for the format0 -
Turgid spotted slipping off the back trying to look a bit poorly at 13km from the finish...Warning No formatter is installed for the format1
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Turgis going for a dominate lead.The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
'Twas Barguil and the gearset teeth
Did Jungels in the Gallopin,
All Naesen was the Bissegger,
As Philipsen came rolling in.
Come to the line, my sprinty boy!
Dunkerque Calais! Oh frabjous day!
He waves and gimbles in his joy,
And unaware that Wout van Aert
The wheel that kicks, quick snicker snack,
Had crossed the line ten seconds back...
Oh Philipsen! We chortled loud,
And did the Jaspermock.
Jaspermocky, by Tubeless Carrol
And so to stage four, where the peloton took mercy on Magnus Cort and gave him a friend to keep him company on what would have been an utterly pointless day out were it not for the, er, points he hoovered up along the way. Both Cort and his new friend Anthony Perez ended up gaining in the rankings once they were caught, and are probably worth keeping an eye on in the Lanterne, as their tactics are straight out of the classic playbook.
Elsewhere not a huge amount seemed to happen until Jumbo Visma ripped everything up on the final hill, although our gallant leader had already slipped off by this point on his way to another 7 minute gain. This was to the confusion of the supposed experts on Eurosport. I know you're reading this, Dan Lloyd - sort it out, will you? Turgis carefully handed the stage to Mikkel Berg though, aware of the alliances you need to build with other riders if you're to survive as Lanterne.
Most of the first half of the day seemed to feature van Aert going back repeatedly to his team car, which briefly suggested he might fancy a tilt at glory himself, but any hope he would prove to be the ultimate all rounder was dispelled by his late attack and stage win. It did however lead to today's highlight - Jasper Philipsen celebrating second place entirely unaware of what was going on. Drop another 174 places before unwinding that next time, Jasper.
Alice in Wonderland:
Loads @ 5' 25"
175 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 7:01
176 BJERG Mikkel UAE Team Emirates ,,
Headlice in Poundland:
167 164 ▼3 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 11:33
168 165 ▼3 NIV Guy Israel - Premier Tech 11:34
169 172 ▲3 DAINESE Alberto Team DSM 12:30
170 169 ▼1 CLARKE Simon Israel - Premier Tech 12:54
171 170 ▼1 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 14:54
172 175 ▲3 GUERREIRO Ruben EF Education-EasyPost 16:34
173 171 ▼2 CORT Magnus EF Education-EasyPost 17:45
174 173 ▼1 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 18:00
175 174 ▼1 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco 18:40
176 176 - TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 24:19
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Bart Simpson voice:
"Look here, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart breaks..."
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'Jaspermocky'. Like.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0
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The Turgis attack was also noted on ITV4 but they made no mention of the target. Do they not understand the point of the race? Can we not do anything to educate our commentators?0
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Look, if any TV producers want to talk to me about covering the Lanterne properly, I'm happy to chat. Admittedly there's the slight issue that I've got the face for radio and the voice for teletext, but...bm5 said:The Turgis attack was also noted on ITV4 but they made no mention of the target. Do they not understand the point of the race? Can we not do anything to educate our commentators?
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Even Danish coms thought Turgid was probably ill. I think Rolf probably spent too much of his career at the wrong end of the race to truly understand the finesses and subtleties of the Lanterne
Hopefully Lar "Sytting" Bak can help him outWarning No formatter is installed for the format0 -
Fair play, Turgis is committing to this competition. Niv is giving it a good go too.0
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Let's do an LR podcastLanterne_Rogue said:
Look, if any TV producers want to talk to me about covering the Lanterne properly, I'm happy to chat. Admittedly there's the slight issue that I've got the face for radio and the voice for teletext, but...bm5 said:The Turgis attack was also noted on ITV4 but they made no mention of the target. Do they not understand the point of the race? Can we not do anything to educate our commentators?
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With someone this disorganised?alan_a said:
Let's do an LR podcastLanterne_Rogue said:
Look, if any TV producers want to talk to me about covering the Lanterne properly, I'm happy to chat. Admittedly there's the slight issue that I've got the face for radio and the voice for teletext, but...bm5 said:The Turgis attack was also noted on ITV4 but they made no mention of the target. Do they not understand the point of the race? Can we not do anything to educate our commentators?
Anyway, as a fan of terrible performances I couldn't really avoid my eldest's school play this evening so please bear with me whilst I get the LR written up...0 -
Ooh now, clever words plus bangin' toons. There's a market out there you 2 😊0
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The cobbles arrived, and the peloton took their places. The master, in his UAE uniform, positioned himself at the head. His pauper rivals, funded by mere millions of petrochemical money, arranged themselves behind him, and the expected kicking was handed out.
"Please, sir" said Anthony. "I want some more."
The master turned pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment.
"You what?"
"Please sir. Some more time, sir. I'm a poor orphaned Lanterne, abandoned by his team. Can't I please have just a little more?"
There was a general starting. Horror was depicted on every countenance. Someone dared ask for MORE?
"Yeah, all right. Slip off the back and knock yourself out."
There was a loud bang.
"NOT LIKE THAT, EWAN!"
from Hors Delai Twist, by Amund Grøndahl's Chickens
And so to stage five. I don't know exactly which likely lads were responsible for that parcours, though I suspect the authorities had never previously heard such a load of cobblers, and the promised chaos was duly delivered. The repeated shaking to the head clearly affected some riders more than others - Magnus Cort got carried away with the whole attacking thing and forgot to drop off early enough to be caught and gain some more time, Roglic proved he could do it if he really wanted to and finished with a dislocated shoulder, Caleb Ewan somehow found a convenient hay bale to roll over, and Geraint Thomas discovered yet another way to unexpectedly disappoint us all by choosing this moment to release a range of non-fungible tokens - a decision that was quickly funged by just about everyone on social media.
More sadly we saw the first two abandonments - first Jack Haig, and then Michael Gogl provided some unfortunate results after forgetting to put work mode on. Anthony Turgis continued his fine form - although I still worry he's peaked a little early - but the rider of the day was the idiot's idiot Gianni Moscon, finishing over 29 minutes after Kirby's latest fangasm, and nine minutes after Turgis. I'm sure there'll be a few worried faces on the startline around him tomorrow wondering just how combative he wants to be this time...
Great Expectation:
166 BJERG Mikkel UAE Team Emirates 18:32
167 CASTROVIEJO Jonathan INEOS Grenadiers ,,
168 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM ,,
169 DOMBROWSKI Joe Astana Qazaqstan Team ,,
170 HIRSCHI Marc UAE Team Emirates ,,
171 VERONA Carlos Movistar Team ,,
172 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 20:33
173 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo ,,
174 MOSCON Gianni Astana Qazaqstan Team 29:22
Little exertion:
165 152 ▼13 VERONA Carlos Movistar Team 25:01
166 171 ▲5 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 25:32
167 157 ▼10 BJERG Mikkel UAE Team Emirates 25:52
168 175 ▲7 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco 27:00
169 163 ▼6 CASTROVIEJO Jonathan INEOS Grenadiers 27:13
170 165 ▼5 HIRSCHI Marc UAE Team Emirates 28:19
171 167 ▼4 KIRSCH Alex Trek - Segafredo 31:02
172 128 ▼44 MOSCON Gianni Astana Qazaqstan Team 33:56
173 174 ▲1 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 35:28
174 176 ▲2 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 43:48
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I found myself wondering today if Astana were in the race at all. So Moscon had a timely win for his sponsors there.0
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Moscon practiced for this in last year's Roubaix well in advance of yesterday's stage. That's some amount of preparation and dedication, when we all thought that locking his back brake up and sticking a nail in his own tyre had little merit.
Maybe he is trying to make himself likeable by reaching the dizzy heights of being the LR supremo.
seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
It's a concerted team effort now they have decided on their target for the race. Every rider lost places yesterday, which is great work.bm5 said:I found myself wondering today if Astana were in the race at all. So Moscon had a timely win for his sponsors there.
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They screw you up, the peloton.
They may not mean to but they do.
You work for hours to catch a break,
Then find them chasing after you.
But they were screwed up in their turn,
By commissaires and referees,
Who half the time ignored the worst-
Then checked the socks don't reach their knees.
Man hands on misery to man,
As Kirby takes the microphone.
Get out of it soon as you can:
The middle-aged choose triathlon.
This Be The Verse, by Simon Clarkin
And so to the excitingly named stage six from Binche to Longwy, which for some reason sounds like two towns named by someone who takes their familam on hollibobs, and who would be first against the wall were it not for the fear they'd insist on counting the effing sleeps beforehand.
Today's stage was illuminated by about 100km of nonsense as Wout van Aert repeatedly tried to instigate some sort of breakaway, followed by a further 100km of it slowly dawning on him what he'd done as first Simmons and then Fuglsang sat up and left him to it. Despite honouring the Lanterne by allowing the remaining field to blow past him and gain seven minutes, any idea that WVA can mount a serious challenge in the premier competition is unlikely unless he cops a time penalty for doing something impenetrably northern to Tom Pidcock's balls.
Meanwhile the infernal pace at the front had the inevitable effect on the peloton behind. At one point there was the serious possibility that we were about to see the rare sight of an autobus forming on the flat, and by the time the first 50 kilometres had passed the intrepid Anthony Turgis had spent 45 of them wasting time chasing cars like some sort of Snow Patrol obsessive.
Today also saw another couple of riders leave the race, with Daniel Oss reluctantly accepting that racing with a broken neck is medically unwise, and Kirsch failing to finish after the hectic early pace. There were a couple of crashes in the peloton to keep an eye on (and apparently Turgis had another tumble yesterday), with Reinhardt Janse van Rensburg gaining hugely as a result - his particular detour into a cabbage field enlightening an otherwise dull portion of the stage, though I'm sure he won't see it in quite those terms.
Let's waste time:
164 JANSE VAN RENSBURG Reinardt Lotto Soudal 14:41
165 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal ,,
166 MOSCON Gianni Astana Qazaqstan Team 14:50
167 HONORÉ Mikkel Frølich Quick-Step Alpha Vinyl Team 15:10
168 BJERG Mikkel UAE Team Emirates ,,
169 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates ,,
170 BISSEGGER Stefan EF Education-EasyPost ,,
171 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies ,,
172 HIRSCHI Marc UAE Team Emirates 15:55
Chasing cars:
163 169 ▲6 CASTROVIEJO Jonathan INEOS Grenadiers 33:19
164 164 - PEREZ Anthony Cofidis 33:29
165 163 ▼2 STORER Michael Groupama - FDJ 33:46
166 168 ▲2 JUUL-JENSEN Christopher Team BikeExchange - Jayco 34:19
167 173 ▲6 VERMAERKE Kevin Team DSM 36:36
168 166 ▼2 LAENGEN Vegard Stake UAE Team Emirates 40:33
169 167 ▼2 BJERG Mikkel UAE Team Emirates 40:53
170 170 - HIRSCHI Marc UAE Team Emirates 44:05
171 172 ▲1 MOSCON Gianni Astana Qazaqstan Team 48:37
172 174 ▲2 TURGIS Anthony TotalEnergies 58:49
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