*sighs* Work Christmas Party.

rick_chasey

pangolin wrote:

Why won't you say what she did last time? People keep asking, and it's the whole point of the story. Advice is pointless without knowing that.

That's because I don't know!!

She sat at the table when we ate, we had a chat with the owner who gave us his life story, she spoke to a few of the other +1s, then we had to leave early to catch a flight for a holiday that we'd booked.

clarkey cat

So something happened between your boss and your missus, that you don't know about, and is now a point of tension between you and him.

DonDaddyD

WHAT WERE THEIR WIVES LIKE?

Also if your a recruitment consultant and can't see the benefits of you/your girlfriend networking, even when it isn't directly beneficial then.... I just don't know....

clarkey cat

not trying to be rude but do you think they may have found your missus a bit stuck up?

not saying she is; but is there a possibility she came across like that to them?

rick_chasey

DonDaddyD wrote:

WHAT WERE THEIR WIVES LIKE?

Also if your a recruitment consultant and can't see the benefits of you/your girlfriend networking, even when it isn't directly beneficial then.... I just don't know....

I can't see the GF working in a bank.

The wives were kinda shrill, covered in gucci - drank a lot, but OK.

Wife of my boss asked me if it was OK working under him. Apparently she did and it was awful.

rick_chasey

clarkey cat wrote:

not trying to be rude but do you think they may have found your missus a bit stuck up?

not saying she is; but is there a possibility she came across like that to them?

Possibly, but a) that's their problem and b) why does it reflect badly on me?

I mean, duh, it's a work do, not everyone's +1s will get on with everyone.

clarkey cat

Possibly, but a) that's their problem and b) why does it reflect badly on me?

a) it is your problem, as the previous 8 pages testify.

b) shows you (in their opinion) to be a poor judge of character.

rick_chasey

clarkey cat wrote:

Possibly, but a) that's their problem and b) why does it reflect badly on me?

a) it is your problem, as the previous 8 pages testify.

b) shows you (in their opinion) to be a poor judge of character.

That's the point though, right? It shouldn't be a problem at all.

That's what I don't get. It shouldn't be a big deal. It's just a sodding party. They're even supposed to be fun, not opportunities for another person altogether to 'fuck it' for me.

From what I can tell elsewhere it's just a slightly tragic thing you have to get through or at best a few fun drinks with workmates. Not a kinda trial. I've been there nearer two years. It's bizarre.

clarkey cat

I wouldn't want to bring my missus to a Xmas party but if I was part of a small company and was expected to socialise with other halves then I'd make sure the missus toed the line; she'd expect me to do the same for her. But only if I cared about the job and wanted to stay there.

To be honest, its not a big deal. Tell her to cheer up, stroke your bosses ego and have a few drinks. You never know... she might even enjoy herself.

DonDaddyD

Rick Chasey wrote:

That's what I don't get. It shouldn't be a big deal. It's just a sodding party. They're even supposed to be fun, not opportunities for another person altogether to 'fark it' for me.

That's just naive.

They are a big deal. It isn't just a sodding party. It is a trial. Yes they're supposed to be fun. They are also opportunities to gain and lose reputation. YES the other half can fark it for their partner.

Remember all those posts about "playing the game"... :roll:

Maybe half the problem is that (i) you don't get that and (ii) you exude the attitude that the social aspect of work isn't a big deal whereas the others at work (i.e. the social group) believe it is, hence why they're targetting at you.

If you actually played the game, you'd play along with the notion that it is a big deal and isn't just sodding party (if you really wanted to get along with those people).

I await your post about it just being a job... :roll:

rick_chasey

Hey, they never mentioned my behaviour.

That'd make sense.

My gf's? That doesn't.

DonDaddyD

OK, well I hope you enjoy your X-mas party.

notsoblue

I'm not sure what the problem is here, they don't seem to be behaving in a way that is particularly out of character, you're planning to leave, and they can't hasten that process without risking a constructive dismissal sh1tstorm. This would be a different matter if your medium to long term prospects were being damaged. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

Still, its a sucky situation. Definitely worthy of a rant and a moan.

greg66_tri_v2.0

Meh.

There is nothing in this thread that couldn't be cured by hanging your conscience on the hook by the door as you walk in, and playing at being the Gordon Gekko wannabe for 3 hours of your life. Ditto the gf.

This is as big a song and dance as you want to make it. No more, no less.

Agent57

I've never played the game, as far as I recall. At least, not to the extent that I knew I was playing a game.

Does going out to Bem Brasil and eating more meat than anyone else in the 16-strong group count? Does it still count if my team leader is a vegetarian? I suppose crowning myself "meat king" could be construed as stamping my credentials on the group. O_o

Stone Glider

A rule of thumb is, the better the Party the sh*tt*er the employer. My brother-in-law was taken, along with the rest of the staff to Iceland (the country, not the supermarket)for the weekend, all expenses paid one year. Other years were similar in utter extravagance. The idea seemed to be that it made up for how appalling the Partners were to them the rest of the year. Needless to say it all collapsed into a welter of lawsuits and general nastiness when the financial climate turned a little less benevolent.

rick_chasey

Well, we had the party.

As well as I could have hoped for.

They were generally pretty rude > when we sat down for dinner made sure the GF sat at other side of table (to be seen to mingle etc) > only to be turfed out of her seat by one of the wives > that was noticed by others though, which was OK. We both had to bite our tongues various times after being totally insulted, but we managed fine.

The owner of the firm (who's never in the office...) was singing my praise in front of me and others which should help my office capital reserves for a bit.

For all the chat, they all left by 11, so we made a civilised exit by 11:30 or so, which was better than expected.

greg66_tri_v2.0

I'm detecting that you put a huge downer on their Christmas party

You are a bad person to be around, dude. You suck the life out of fun.

<snigger>

lost_in_thought

Was that so hard? Hmmm?

Jay dubbleU

These things are never as bad as you expect them to be - at least its over and you can enjoy Xmas

cornerblock

Yeah made a right song and dance about this party!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEHkPKVB ... re=related

HebdenBiker

Rick Chasey wrote:

The owner of the firm (who's never in the office...) was singing my praise in front of me and others which should help my office capital reserves for a bit.

"office capital reserves"? What?

Sorry Rick, but this is going to be hard for you to read. Mate, I feel for you, and I want you to understand how you are being abused, and how you are making it possible for the abuser(s) to succeed.

Your abuser is using a technique known as "gaslighting". Google it. Basically, it means altering your perception of reality so as to further control you. The idea that your girlfriend's behaviour at the Christmas party could have any bearing on your career is laughable, yet your boss got you to believe it, and comply with these bizarre demands. The fact that you think you had "no option" but to attend the party shows just how far you have been taken in by the odious and twisted version of reality presented by those who have power in your workplace.

You seem obsessed with your standing, your reputation and what others think of you. Your boss seems to have "gaslighted" the idea that your personality, not just your performance, is under constant scrutiny, and that your superiors' personal feelings towards you are the most important factors governing your future success or failure. Of course, your boss likes it like this because it makes it easy for him to manipulate and control you. With this latest rubbish he has been testing the limits of how far he can push this control. Because you complied with his irrational demands re the Christmas party, he now knows that he can get you to do anything he likes. Anything at all, no matter how weird, personal or abusive.

What do you hope to gain by tolerating this continued abuse? Do you think that, by complying with every ridiculous demand, you are enhancing your reputation? Let's say to managed to achieve this mythical "great reputation" in which you are not only a hot-shot employee but "one of the boys", too. Where will this great reputation lead you? A more secure job, or even a minor promotion, in this miserable, abusive workplace, surrounded by immature yahoos whom you hate? It will not even lead to that. The only reputation you are gaining is as someone who will do anything they are asked, no matter how ridiculous, so as to "look good". As well as making you appear weak and needy, it will eventually lead others to doubt your integrity.

Let's say you are "only playing along" in order to secure a decent reference when you find something else. For your girlfriend's behaviour at the Christmas party to affect your reference would be illegal. It was illegal for your boss to suggest that it would. That you didn't point this out to him at the time suggests that you need to get youself clued up on employment law.

Rick, I don't think you're going to be able to unpick this one yourself, and I would very strongly advise you to seek professional help re your workplace situation. If you aren't in a union, join, get represented, take their advice and in the meantime read up on workplace bullying. I don't like the word "bullying" myself because it implies kids in the playground, but let's face it, that is what's happening to you.

To all those people saying "just play the game", in this instance you are wide of the mark. There may be a widespread culture of mixing the personal and professional, of power games masquerading as banter, and of treating junior staff like sh!t, but it doesn't mean everyone has to put up with it.

Oh, and final point. Organising a social event then insisting everyone attend is the saddest, saddest thing I have ever heard. Is this the only way your man could get people to come to his party? By making it compulsory? Don't you think this is all a bit David Brent? Next year, don't go. Say you have other plans. Then actually *have* some other plans. That will gain you more respect in the long run.

rjsterry

Fingers crossed Rick will be in a new job by then. Didn't know it was called gaslighting, but otherwise, that looks exactly like what is going on.

bigmat

HebdenBiker wrote:

Rick Chasey wrote:

The owner of the firm (who's never in the office...) was singing my praise in front of me and others which should help my office capital reserves for a bit.

"office capital reserves"? What?

Sorry Rick, but this is going to be hard for you to read. Mate, I feel for you, and I want you to understand how you are being abused, and how you are making it possible for the abuser(s) to succeed.

Your abuser is using a technique known as "gaslighting". Google it. Basically, it means altering your perception of reality so as to further control you. The idea that your girlfriend's behaviour at the Christmas party could have any bearing on your career is laughable, yet your boss got you to believe it, and comply with these bizarre demands. The fact that you think you had "no option" but to attend the party shows just how far you have been taken in by the odious and twisted version of reality presented by those who have power in your workplace.

You seem obsessed with your standing, your reputation and what others think of you. Your boss seems to have "gaslighted" the idea that your personality, not just your performance, is under constant scrutiny, and that your superiors' personal feelings towards you are the most important factors governing your future success or failure. Of course, your boss likes it like this because it makes it easy for him to manipulate and control you. With this latest rubbish he has been testing the limits of how far he can push this control. Because you complied with his irrational demands re the Christmas party, he now knows that he can get you to do anything he likes. Anything at all, no matter how weird, personal or abusive.

What do you hope to gain by tolerating this continued abuse? Do you think that, by complying with every ridiculous demand, you are enhancing your reputation? Let's say to managed to achieve this mythical "great reputation" in which you are not only a hot-shot employee but "one of the boys", too. Where will this great reputation lead you? A more secure job, or even a minor promotion, in this miserable, abusive workplace, surrounded by immature yahoos whom you hate? It will not even lead to that. The only reputation you are gaining is as someone who will do anything they are asked, no matter how ridiculous, so as to "look good". As well as making you appear weak and needy, it will eventually lead others to doubt your integrity.

Let's say you are "only playing along" in order to secure a decent reference when you find something else. For your girlfriend's behaviour at the Christmas party to affect your reference would be illegal. It was illegal for your boss to suggest that it would. That you didn't point this out to him at the time suggests that you need to get youself clued up on employment law.

Rick, I don't think you're going to be able to unpick this one yourself, and I would very strongly advise you to seek professional help re your workplace situation. If you aren't in a union, join, get represented, take their advice and in the meantime read up on workplace bullying. I don't like the word "bullying" myself because it implies kids in the playground, but let's face it, that is what's happening to you.

To all those people saying "just play the game", in this instance you are wide of the mark. There may be a widespread culture of mixing the personal and professional, of power games masquerading as banter, and of treating junior staff like sh!t, but it doesn't mean everyone has to put up with it.

Oh, and final point. Organising a social event then insisting everyone attend is the saddest, saddest thing I have ever heard. Is this the only way your man could get people to come to his party? By making it compulsory? Don't you think this is all a bit David Brent? Next year, don't go. Say you have other plans. Then actually *have* some other plans. That will gain you more respect in the long run.

It might be "gaslighting" but down here on Planet Earth you just have to like it or lump it sometimes, also known as "playing the game". To suggest to someone in Rick's position that he should be joining a union and playing the employment law card is, in my opinion, very bad advice. That isn't how that part of the private sector works, for better or for worse. My advice? Get your head down, "play the game", plot your exit on your own terms. Its tough out there, I know how hard Rick found getting a job in the first place. And if you think they are making his life difficult for him now god knows what it would be like if he took the steps you advise. (I'm not saying showing a bit of backbone at times would be a bad thing, but as a newly employed young guy in today's marketplace, the odds are stacked against hi,...)

lost_in_thought

+1 to the 'down here on planet earth' approach.

rjsterry

In related news, I wonder whether Aidan Burley MP would agree that 'playing the game' is the best way forward.

rick_chasey

Like I said, I was more whinging than asking for advice (though I was probably looking for other people to confirm that I work in a weird place, which I do).

We all play the game a bit. I wouldn't be here 18 months on with good pay (and good pay rises) had I not.

I guess we all get to a point where we think enough is enough, and I think this was it for me. I'd already been looking and now that'll intensify.

Those who care to notice have probably seen the slide in the tone I use re-my work.

It doesn't help that, by the nature of the work, we have very little this time of year. I doubt mine is the only office where people begin to pick at each other out of boredom. Mine's just more extreme and less restrained than most I suspect. Certainly compared to the other 5 offices I've worked in for long enough to make an opinion.

clarkey cat

We all get bullied at work when we're young. That's why we stick it out - so that we can then bully those beneath us.

Isn't it?

rick_chasey

clarkey cat wrote:

We all get bullied at work when we're young. That's why we stick it out - so that we can then bully those beneath us.

Isn't it?

What a lovely world we live in.

I remember picking on a guy at uni and after realising I was, apologised to him a few days later.

We all bully from time to time. It's being able to recognise it and stop it.

clarkey cat

It's being able to recognise it and stop it

or being able to recognise and capitalise on it.