Your favourite joke?

borntobemild

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here

Matt the Tester

Aggieboy wrote:

Next time your having a bad day, imagine this - You're a Siamese twin and joined at the hip. You're brother is gay but you're not. His lover is coming over and you've only got one ars*.

LEGENDARY!

deptfordmarmoset

I remember when my grandfather was unwell, my grandmother rubbed lard on his back. He went downhill quickly after that.

1892

Babe, I've finally left that w*nker Ashley & I'm on my way round to you big boy & I'm horny as f**k. Love you. Cheryl xx.





Carlsberg don't do text messages but if they did.... You'd be the last c**t she would sent that to!


Works better as a text!

ademort

Old man walks into a doctors surgery it,s very busy and only a fairly small waiting room. Man stands in line and eventually it,s his turn to speak to the doctors assistant.
The doctors assistant says to the man. ""hello, what can i do for you"'. The man replies,
''i want to make an appointment please''. The doctors assistant says,''and whats the problem sir''. The man replies''i have a problem with my dick'. The assistant says, ''Sir, please dont talk like that in front of other patients as they become very embarassed, if you do have a problem with you dick, then just say you have a problem with your Ear and you can discuss the problem further with the Doctor when you go in to see him.The man apologises and says he will remember next time.
Two weeks later man walks back into the Doctors, eventually its his turn and the Doctors assistant recognises the man from last time and winks at the man. The man winks back at the assistant and says ,''hello i want to make an appointment please. yes said the assistant and whats the problem Sir. ''Í have a problem with my Ear,''Oh, said the assistant and whats wrong with it, : The Man said ''It hurts when i pee out of it''.
Ademort

bikey2009

Two builders, (Dave and Ben), are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Ben: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Ben: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Ben: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Ben: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker

Splottboy

So...I said to the guy, "I want 2 chicken tikkas, 2 poppadoms and and a naan bread."

The guy said to me, "I'm sorry Sir, but we don't sell food. We're an electrical outlet."

I replied, "Well, it say's Currys outside..."

( Original, mine and no, I haven't copyrighted it. Enjoy!.)

---

I once had a pair of slippers made of tortoise shell.

It took me 2 hrs to answer the front door.

( Tommy Cooper, I think. Who else?! )

pb21

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A. A current.

Q. What do you do if you see a space man?
A. Park in it man.

dennisn

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat one into you.

MARKIE METAL HIP

Paddy tells Mick.... " Hey Paddy, ive been on these steroids for a week now and ive grown an extra c@ck ! "

Mick says " Anabolic ? "

Paddy says.." no, just a c@ck "

sethy

How do you sell a fig to a deaf man?






DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FIG!!!!!!! ??

dennisn

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

crumbschief

What's tartan and goes 200mph across the ocean?



Lord Mountbatten's slippers.

garrynolan

dennisn wrote:

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat one into you.

Is it just me or is this not funny? Sorry dennisn

garrynolan

dennisn wrote:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

ditto

Stewie Griffin

A Woman has been found dead in her House with semen in her ears. Police believe that she may have heard her attacker coming

dennisn

garrynolan wrote:

dennisn wrote:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

ditto

Here in the States Chuck is kind of a college phenomena. There's a website or two that sells Chuck stuff. He's 70 and has become sort of a cult figure, although I'm not sure why.
Maybe it was his bad movies. In any case there all kinds of sayings about him - "Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people". That sort of thing. In any case Chuck has definatly saved the world many times over. He has simply killed all the bad guys out there.

Stewie Griffin

dennisn wrote:

garrynolan wrote:

dennisn wrote:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

ditto

Here in the States Chuck is kind of a college phenomena. There's a website or two that sells Chuck stuff. He's 70 and has become sort of a cult figure, although I'm not sure why.
Maybe it was his bad movies. In any case there all kinds of sayings about him - "Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people". That sort of thing. In any case Chuck has definatly saved the world many times over. He has simply killed all the bad guys out there.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/all-chuck-norris-facts

shouldbeinbed

the inflatable boy goes to the inflatable school in his inflatable town and gets into an argument with his inflatable teacher.

he pulls out a pin and sticks it in him as he runs out he thinks sod it and sticks it into the school, as he gets to the gates he trips up and pins himself.

The ambulance arrives and the paramedic is loading the teacher and boy onto stretchers the teacher says

you've not just let yourself down, you've let me and the whole school down

giant_man

It's an american thing dennis thats for sure .......

brin

As a reward for working consecutive 12 hour shifts for the last month to help secure a contract, mikes boss has told him to take the rest of the day off, to spend with his family.
On his way to his car mike phones home to tell his wife the good news, the phone rings a couple of times and mikes daughter answers, "oh hello darling it's daddy, is mummy there" asks mike.
"no mummy's not here, she's upstairs with uncle peter" replied the excited youngster
"what they doing upstairs?" mike asks
"i don't know daddy, they are in your bedroom and the door is shut" she replies
mike thinks for a moment then say's "honey i want you to do me a favour, run into the bedroom and shout that your daddy's car has just pulled up on the drive"
so the little girl puts the phone down, mike hears a lot of scuffling and shouting, then the young girl picks the phone back up.
"well, darling what happened?" mike enquired
"i ran into the bedroom like you said daddy, and mummy and uncle peter were lying in bed together with no clothes on, i shouted that you had just pulled up on the drive, mummy screamed, jumped out of bed and ran to get her dressing gown, but she slipped over uncle peter's clothes that were lying on the floor, and banged her head on the chest of drawers, i think she's unconciuos."
"oh dear" mike said "and what about uncle peter?"
"well uncle peter jumped up too, he didn't get dressed, but flung open the french doors that lead to the balcony and jumped into the swimming pool, but he mustn't of known you had drained it the other day, and i think he's dead"
after a short silence mike said............."swimming pool?"

sward29

A mate of mine was bragging that he was shagging a pair of twins, so I asked him " How do you tell them apart you lucky bas**rd"?

"It's easy" he said, Jayne has lovely long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache"

Splottboy

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