Your favourite joke?
Comments
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Why did the snail paint a big S on his brand new sports car?
So his mates would say "Wow, look at that s-car go!"Scott Scale 20 (for xc racing)
Gary Fisher HKEK (for commuting)0 -
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0 -
My wife and I were eating in a restaurant the other day, when A fella walked up to me and through a prawn cocktail over me, I said what was that for, he replied, "thats just for starters"Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0
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A man goes to the optician's.
"I’ve got to the bottom of your problem sir," says the optician.
"You are totally colour-blind."
"Well, that’s a real bolt out of the green," says the patient.Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0 -
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0 -
Two birds sitting on a perch
one says to the other:
can you smell fish?0 -
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'''Collapse the Light into Earth'0 -
Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fu@ked it and called it a CUxT!'Collapse the Light into Earth'0 -
Gordo's World of Zoom http://zoom-gordo.blogspot.com/
Those that can, do. Those that can't write about it.0 -
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!'Collapse the Light into Earth'0 -
A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"'Collapse the Light into Earth'0
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Face - has it fallen on one side?
Arms - can they raise both arms and keep them there?
Speech - is their speech slurred?
if so,
Time - to get her knickers off, the vodka's kicked in!!"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.Who you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?0 -
My wife is tempermental. Fifty percent temper and fifty percent mental.0
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bannedbiker wrote:Dogs really are mans best friend. Dont believe me? Lock your wife and you dog in the boot of the car for a couple hours, then see which one is pleased to see you when you let them out...!
8) 0 -
I left the freezer door open one morning before work. When I got back, my wife had a right go at me, asking what she's going to do with all this defrosted food.
I said "Look love, don't make a meal of it""A cyclist has nothing to lose but his chain"
PTP Runner Up 20150 -
A man was found at his north london home today drowned in a bowl of muesli.
Investigators say he was pulled under by a strong current.0 -
grandad3 wrote:A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"
lol...the bicycle is the most efficient machine ever created: Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon...0 -
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The physist Heisenberg is driving his car, when he is pulled over for speeding. The police officer asks him,
"sir, do you know how fast you were going just back there?"
to this, Heisenberg replies,
"no, but I know where I am..."0 -
My wife's an internet porn star.....
She'll kill me when she finds out!0 -
A panda escapes from the zoo and picks up a hooker and they go off to have sex. He is hungry after his escape from the zoo and asks if she has anything to eat, she says "help yourself to whatever is in the fridge."
He fills himself and goes through to the bedroom and proceeds to 'empty' his panda oats.
Afterward, while the panda is getting dressed the hooker sits up in bed and says, "I need you to pay me now!" The panda just shrugs and keeps putting on his clothes.
The hooker jumps out of bed and says, "I need you to pay me! I am a hooker, this is what I do for a job!"
The panda shrugs again and continues putting on his clothes. The hooker runs to her purse and pulls out a mini dictionary and looks up the word "hooker." She shows the panda what it says: "Hooker; has sex for money."
The panda smiles and flips to "Panda", and then without saying another word walks out of the room.
The hooker looks down at the definition and reads: "Panda; eats shoots and leaves."0 -
A man scanned the girls at a bar and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life - cars and men."
They continued to talk and finally she asked "What's your name"?
"Beerf*ck," he replied.0 -
Liverpool players took time out from training yesterday to pay a visit to Alder Hey Children’s Hospital.
“It’s just nice to be able to put a smile on the faces of those less fortunate than ourselves who are facing an uncertain future at the moment” said James Wilson, aged nine, from Kirkby.0 -
Dear Norris, at home I have a black vinyl disc with a hole in the middle.
Is this a record?1998 Marin Hawk Hill
2008 Specialized FSR XC Comp
2008 Scott Speedster S30 FB
SLOW RIDES FOR UNFIT PEOPLE - Find us on Facebook or in the MTB Rides section of this forum.0 -
Stewie Griffin wrote:Liverpool players took time out from training yesterday to pay a visit to Alder Hey Children’s Hospital.
“It’s just nice to be able to put a smile on the faces of those less fortunate than ourselves who are facing an uncertain future at the moment” said James Wilson, aged nine, from Kirkby.
There's only one thing I know about football and that's that Liverpool are struggling, so it made me chuckle!0 -
NapoleonD wrote:Stewie Griffin wrote:Liverpool players took time out from training yesterday to pay a visit to Alder Hey Children’s Hospital.
“It’s just nice to be able to put a smile on the faces of those less fortunate than ourselves who are facing an uncertain future at the moment” said James Wilson, aged nine, from Kirkby.
There's only one thing I know about football and that's that Liverpool are struggling, so it made me chuckle!
My team are one of those making Liverpool struggle (even after being done by an idiot ref up there :evil: ) so it made me text it to a few mates 0 -
... anyway, back to the jokes ...
New zookeeper at the zoo wants to impress the head zookeeper. The Head zookeeper tells the new zookeeper to go to the tropical fish tanks and clean the glass.
While cleaning the glass the fish nibble at the new zookeeper. He gets more & more annoyed until he loses his rag, graps a shovel from his wheel barrow and bashes the fish in the water. As he calms down he notices he's killed the fish and quickly hides their little dead fishy bodies in his wheelbarrow so no-one will find out.
On his way back to the Head Zookeepers office he chucks the dead fish over the fence of the lion enclosure so that n-one will ever know, and reports in to say he's finished the tanks.
The Head Zookeeper is really pleased so sends the new zookeeper off to feed the chimpanzees. While there, the naughty chimps laugh at the new zookeeper, who's a bit sensitive about stuff like that and quickly loses his rag, grabs his shovel and bashes the chimps. "Oh cr*p", thinks the new zookeepr, I've killled them!" and he hides them in his wheel barrow and chucks them in the lion enclosure on the way back to the Head Zookeepers office so that no-one will ever know.
He reports to the Head Zookeeper that he's fed the chimps, what next, and the Head Zookeeper sends the new zookeeper off to the beehives to collect the honey.
The bees dont want the new zookeeper to have the honey and they sting him. The new zookeeper is not a man to take being stung and he grabs his shovel and bash, bash, bashes at the bees. As he calms down he sees the bees and the mess and quickly scoops it all up into his barrow, then into the lion enclosure on his way out the zoo so that no-one will ever know, and off he went home.
Next day a new lion is introduced to the zoo pride and he says to the lionesses "So, what's the food like in here?"
"Its great" they reply. " For example, just yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"0 -
'Collapse the Light into Earth'0
