Your favourite joke?

shouldbeinbed

Aggieboy wrote:

brin wrote:

a frenchman, a skinhead, a 17y.o. blonde student and an old lady stinking of p*ss are sharing a carriage of a train. after a while the train enters a tunnel and there is an almighty
'THWACK'
when the train emerges back into daylight the frenchman is holding his bloodied nose looking furtively around.
the old lady stinking of p*ss shakes her head and thinks to herself, that dirty frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that poor 17y.o. blonde student, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose, well good for him.
the 17y.o. blonde student looks out of the window and thinks to herself, that stupid frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to try and fondle me, but he has mistakenly fondled the old lady stinking of p*ss instead, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose for him, silly man.
the frenchman frantically dabbing his nose with a tissue to try and stop the bleeding thinks to himself, that lucky skinhead has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that 17y.o. student, and as she struggled to get free she has hit out and mistakenly caught me in the nose.
the skinhead gives a little smirk to himself and thinks, i can't wait til we go through another tunnel so i can smack that french b*st*rd again.



a frenchman is hitchiking along the A1 near newcastle, as he is passing the angel of the north, geordie slows down in his truck and shouts out the window, 'want a lift mate'
the frenchman smiles and shouts back 'oui'
geordie looks sternly at him and replies 'you, you daft t*at'

Probably funnier if he shouted back 'Ou'.

not if you speak geordie oui = we = geordie for who. as in wee's up fer gannin doon the pub.


on a similar note


Geordie living in London calls the Doctor out and tells him he's got terrible pains in his legs. Dr asks Geordie if he can walk. Geordie replies

"Walk? divvent be daft man, ah cannit even waak"

Tempestas

What has Veronica Peroncell's chin got in common with a champions league goal post?

John Terry has whacked balls against both of them

crumbschief

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday and he said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

bikey2009

A Welsh guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

brin

i found a great chat up line that enables me to bed any woman i fancy, no matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it works every time......." excuse me love, could i ask your opinion , does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

a couple at a marriage counselling meeting are asked by the counsellor if they have anything in common? after a long and awkward silence the husband replies "well neither of us sucks c*ck"

discussing the recession wife says to husband " if you cycled to work we could get rid of the second car" husband replies " if you enjoyed anal sex and gave me a blow job, we could get rid of the nanny"

garrynolan

Two lesbians opened a bike shop - called it Menstrual Cycles.

finchy

What's the difference between a battery and a mother-in-law?
A battery has a positive side

bannedbiker

johnfinch wrote:

What's the difference between a battery and a mother-in-law?
A battery has a positive side

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?





















Outlaws are wanted...

antikythera

Whats the difference between blue and purple?












... the grip

pedylan

Flying Monkey wrote:
I bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for valentines day....the hoover is now working a treat!


Do keep up!

See previous page...

NapoleonD wrote:

I bought my bag a valentine treat then gave her a belt until she hoovered.

I bought my wife a bag and a belt as a valentie's gift. She was so grateful she sucked like a hoover.

skins2

Jimmy Carr wrote:

When I was younger I was scared of the dentist. He was a paedophile.

Jimmy Carr also wrote:

I recently found out that the best lubricant for anal sex is NOT tears. No, it's blood.

chunkyboy

Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse are in court. Mickey wants to divorce Minnie.

The judge says to Mickey "You can not divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has got protruding teeth"

Mickey says "I didn't say she had protruding teeth, i said she was fu**ing goofy"

brin

a certain religious icon walked into a guest house, threw 3 nails on the counter and asked the girl " can you put me up for the night?"

brin

2 lepers were playing cards, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off

iainment

brin wrote:

2 lepers were playing cards, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off

the third cried his eyes out.

mats

whats black and white and eats like a horse

















A zebra

Aggieboy

Next time your having a bad day, imagine this - You're a Siamese twin and joined at the hip. You're brother is gay but you're not. His lover is coming over and you've only got one arse.

brin

private geordie went in to see the sergeant major, " hello geordie, what can i do for you?" enquired s m
"sir" shouted geordie " permission for home leave sir" geordie asked
"oh? any particular reason?" s m replied
"sir, my wife is going to have a baby" geordie hollered
"ah, thats good news geordie, permission granted, take a fortnight" s m advised him

3 weeks later the sergeant major bumps into geordie on the parade ground
"ah, geordie, how was your leave?" he asked
"oh, it was fine thanks sir, thanks for asking" replied geordie
"oh, and what was it, boy or a girl?" enquired s m
" not sure yet sarge" replied geordie........."it takes months"

Mothyman

I hoovered my Valentine, then gave her a belt.......the old bag....

Stewie Griffin

Whats worse than a dog chewing your shoe?

A killer whale chewing its trainer.

Anonymous

God gave man a brain and a c0ck.

Unfortunately he only provided enough blood to run one at once.

Aggieboy

A Welsh lad is trying to convince his girlfriend to have anal sex for the first time. "It'll be OK ", he says, "if it hurts or you want to stop just say the 'safety' word and I'll stop immediately". "OK", she says, "What is it?".

























"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch", he says.

crumbschief

A body was found in the back of an ice cream van today, it was covered in hundreds and thousands and a flake.

The police think he topped himself.

Crapaud

What's red and goes putt, putt, putt?










An outboard tomato.

CycleDrummer

Some Tommy Cooper Favs:-

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.



"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.


Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

jrduquemin

markwalker wrote:

whats blue and kills old ladies



Hypothermia

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue coat

crumbschief

jrduquemin wrote:

markwalker wrote:

whats blue and kills old ladies



Hypothermia

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue coat

lol,cracker

Crapaud

jrduquemin wrote:

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue coat

You are Wayne Rooney and I claim my £5.

1892

I get on very well with the two lesbians next door, they asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I was surprised when they got me a Rolex.

Aggieboy

1892 wrote:

I get on very well with the two lesbians next door, they asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I was surprised when they got me a Rolex.

Yeah, I would have got that too!