Your favourite joke?

attica

PedroJake wrote:

Polar bear walks into a bar, says to the barman ' Can I have a Gin and..........

















...............tonic'

Bar man says, 'no problem, but whats with the big pause?'
To which the Polar bear looks at his hands and replies,' Dunno, i've always had them'


.....i'll get me coat :roll:

A horse walks into a bar and says in a very sad voice "I'll have a" sob sob "whisky on the rocks"

The barman says "Why the long face?"



What have David Beckham and a diamond ring got in common?


















They both come in a posh box.

crumbschief

A man was looking for a job in the paper and he saw one for a barman, 25 hours a week for £500.
I have got to go for that said the man,so he went to the pub and had a chat with the landlord.

Yes said the landlord,£500 a week,but i must ask a couple of favours first,ok said the man what are they.

Well said the landlord,see that woman sitting at the end of the bar,she's 87 and has never had a man and her one wish is that she has a right good seeing to.

Next favour is my dog called fang he's a pitbull and he has a tooth that needs pulling out,even i can't get near him,once your done the jobs yours.

Ok said the man i better have a couple of beers first this looks rough,so he sinks a few and off he goes into the cellar.
The pub suddenly hears all this shouting crashing and snarling for a good 10 minutes.

Then all of a sudden the man appears from the cellar covered in blood and his clothes are ripped to shreds

Right said the man where's this old girl with the bad tooth.

jc4lab

Arnold Swarzenegger buying a new laptop..Does you want Windows7..No Hasta a Vista Baby

stfc1

What did the slug say to the snail?

"Big Issue, mate?"

Bronzie

An octopus walks into a pub.................."I can play any musical instrument you give me, and I swear it'll be the sweetest music you ever hear".

Intrigued, the landlord hands him a guitar..................the octopus strikes up a few chords and then plays it better than Hendrix himself.

Now most impressed, the locals shout "Play the piano Mr Octopus, let's see how you get on with that". Of course, having 8 arms, the octopus plays the piano with ease and knocks out a couple of Mozarts symphonies without breaking sweat.

The pub's resident Scotsman (c'mon, every pub's got one) says "Hey Pussy, have a gee w' this"................and hands him a set of bagpipes.

After a few minutes of fumbling and strange noises emanating from the pipes, the Scotsman says, "Wasamatta Pussy, ken ye no play 'em".

"Play 'em?" says the octopus, "when I get her out of these tartan pyjamas, I'm gonna f*ck her brains out".

MattC59

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other..........

.......... "You drive and I'll man the guns"



Boom Boom !!!

Gypsum_Fantastic

bikey2009 wrote:

A Frenchman with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "wow that's really lovely, where did you get him? "In France" says the parrot "They've got millions of them"

I went into the butchers the other day and bet him £20 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he replied "no the steaks are too high" - Arf!

Two aerials met on a rooftop and fell in love. They got married, the wedding was rubbish but the reception was excellent

I'll get my coat

bagpusscp

We were so poor in our house,that as kids if you did not wake up with an erection on christmas morning you had got nothing to play with.

whydoesitalwaysrainonme

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a womans legs?














A clit on the ear and a flap round the face

whydoesitalwaysrainonme

That octopus one is great, is absolutely hilarious

bikey2009

Doctor to his patient - "I have to tell you, you have acute angina " Patient - "Why thank you doctor" :oops:

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars, just stand closer to what you want to look at. :idea:

Aggieboy

I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!"

FCE2007

Had a w@nk over my ex last night.

I know it's wrong but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

8)

oscarbudgie

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar. The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which, however, he does not desire.

attica

oscarbudgie wrote:

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar. The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which, however, he does not desire.

Is your name Bruce?*

See Bruces sketch, Python, Monty

Dog Breath

oscarbudgie wrote:

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar. The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders an Etruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!" says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which, however, he does not desire.[/quote

Hilarious :? :?: :?

bannedbiker

When's a pixie not a pixie?
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When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt... then he's a goblin!

Barrie_G

Why did the hedgehog cross the road..........................




To see his flat mate.

dd1

I've just come out of the chippy with a meat & potato pie, large chips, curry, peas and a jumbo sasuage.

Outside a poor, cold homeless bloke sat there and said "I haven't eaten for 2 days"

I told him "I wish I had your will power"

galatzo

Man goes to the Doctors
"Doctor I've got a steering wheel on my c0ck"

Doctor says "Whats that doing there ?

Man says "I dunno but it's driving me nuts "

galatzo

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes ?

Nothing - You've told her twice already.

galatzo

Why have women got small feet ?

So they can get closer to the sink.

Tempestas

Why have women got 2 holes?

So you can carry them home like a six pack

dd1

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 1/2 litret of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 1/2 litre of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 1 small jar of coffee
* a pound of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk as
to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

dd1

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father,
but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no -
that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says

" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

dd1

Women drivers !

Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!

bannedbiker

Dogs really are mans best friend. Dont believe me? Lock your wife and you dog in the boot of the car for a couple hours, then see which one is pleased to see you when you let them out...!

bannedbiker

Man walks into a doctors wearing nothing but cellophane pants.
The doc says "I can clearly see your nuts"

bannedbiker

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

crumbschief

what do you call a frenchman in sandals?



phillippe philloppe!