Your favourite joke?
Comments
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throberto wrote:Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he needed a poo!
Awesome! I completely forgot about that joke. A mate told it me when we were about to have a briefing about a serious job and it was awful trying not to break into laughter throughout it.
I got my wife a new bag and belt for Valentine's day.
The hoover works a bloody treat now!0 -
Why did the scarecrow win an award
Because he was outstanding in his field.0 -
What do vegetarian worms eat?
Linda McCartney0 -
A father and son were out walking one day when they happened to pass by a church where a wedding was taking place.
They stopped for a while to watch, the son turned and asked, 'Dad, why are brides always dressed in white?'
The father replied, 'All domestic appliances come in white, son.'Cycling weakly0 -
whats blue and kills old ladies
Hypothermia0 -
throberto wrote:Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he needed a poo!
ive been thinking a lot about this one, i just dont get it???????0 -
johnfinch wrote:A film director was making a movie about the great composers, but couldn't find any actors. So he puts an advert in the Hollywood newspapers saying "Wanted: Actors to play the great composers".
The next day, Tom Cruise rings up and says "I'll be Mozart."
"Great," says the director, "I've got my Mozart."
The following day Mel Gibson rings up and says "I'll be Beethoven."
"Brilliant," thinks the film director, "I've got my Beethoven."
The day after that, Arnold Schwazernegger rings up and says "I'll be Bach."
absolute belter! tickled my sides, that one!
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markwalker wrote:throberto wrote:Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he needed a poo!
ive been thinking a lot about this one, i just dont get it???????
clearly, you knead help!
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pneumatic wrote:markwalker wrote:throberto wrote:Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he needed a poo!
ive been thinking a lot about this one, i just dont get it???????
clearly, you knead help!
Im not rising to that line.
:oops:0 -
Chris Tarrant says to Wayne Bridge...for £64,000 what is the colour of Vanessa perroncels pubic hair, a) ginger b) blonde c) Brown d) Black?
Wayne answers........
Can I phone a friend!0 -
^^^ quality - 0
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in a recent customer satisfaction survey it was found that 6 on the 7 dwarves weren't Happy.
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what do you call a penguin with an abacus
Cold and calculating
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A man joins a monastery, on his first day, that Abbott says to him 'we keep a strict vow of silence, you are allowed to say one thing every ten years. Have you anything to say before taking your vow?'
The man says 'It's cold in here isn't it'
The Abbott replies 'we are a poor group and we rely on charity for all that we have, but we will make you comfortable my brother by turning up the heating'
After ten years the Abbott invites the man to his office and says ' you have been with us ten years now, what would you like to tell us of life here?'
The man replies 'my bed is too hard'
The Abbott writes a note to the quartermaster and that night the man has the softest bed in the place.
Another ten years pass and the man again finds himself in the Abbott's room 'What inspiration have you gained from your two decades of silent contemplation?' asks the Abbott
'They put too much salt in the food' says the man. The Abbott looks astonished but writes a note to the cook, after that the food is perfect.
After 30 years the Abbott calls all of the monks together and brings our friend to the front. 'My brother has been with us for 30 years now, longer than any of you, please listen well as he imparts his great experience and wisdom to us'
The man says 'It's too quiet, I'm leaving'
The Abbott lets out a huge sigh and says 'Thank God for that, all you've done since you got here is moan'0 -
A little village is hit by a flash flood.
a man is stood on his coffee table with the water lapping round his ankles praying for divine intervention.
A boat sails past and he is invited aboard, he refiuses: 'the lord will save me' he says.
A couple of hours later, the water is up to the bedroom window and the man is hanging out trying to keep afloat, another boat full of refugees sails by and he is invited to climb aboard. again he refuses, 'the lord will save me' he says.
A couple of hours later he is clinging to his chimney pot as the water is still rising, a helicopter winches down a line. 'The man waves it away shouting 'the lord will save me'
Another couple of hours later at the pearly gates, the man says 'God, I've always been a devout man, I prayed and prayed for salvation from the flood, why did you let me drown?'
God replied 'I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?'0 -
a frenchman, a skinhead, a 17y.o. blonde student and an old lady stinking of p*ss are sharing a carriage of a train. after a while the train enters a tunnel and there is an almighty
'THWACK'
when the train emerges back into daylight the frenchman is holding his bloodied nose looking furtively around.
the old lady stinking of p*ss shakes her head and thinks to herself, that dirty frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that poor 17y.o. blonde student, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose, well good for him.
the 17y.o. blonde student looks out of the window and thinks to herself, that stupid frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to try and fondle me, but he has mistakenly fondled the old lady stinking of p*ss instead, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose for him, silly man.
the frenchman frantically dabbing his nose with a tissue to try and stop the bleeding thinks to himself, that lucky skinhead has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that 17y.o. student, and as she struggled to get free she has hit out and mistakenly caught me in the nose.
the skinhead gives a little smirk to himself and thinks, i can't wait til we go through another tunnel so i can smack that french b*st*rd again.
a frenchman is hitchiking along the A1 near newcastle, as he is passing the angel of the north, geordie slows down in his truck and shouts out the window, 'want a lift mate'
the frenchman smiles and shouts back 'oui'
geordie looks sternly at him and replies 'you, you daft t*at'0 -
brin wrote:a frenchman, a skinhead, a 17y.o. blonde student and an old lady stinking of p*ss are sharing a carriage of a train. after a while the train enters a tunnel and there is an almighty
'THWACK'
when the train emerges back into daylight the frenchman is holding his bloodied nose looking furtively around.
the old lady stinking of p*ss shakes her head and thinks to herself, that dirty frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that poor 17y.o. blonde student, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose, well good for him.
the 17y.o. blonde student looks out of the window and thinks to herself, that stupid frenchman has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to try and fondle me, but he has mistakenly fondled the old lady stinking of p*ss instead, and she has retaliated by bloodying his nose for him, silly man.
the frenchman frantically dabbing his nose with a tissue to try and stop the bleeding thinks to himself, that lucky skinhead has used the cover of darkness in the tunnel to fondle that 17y.o. student, and as she struggled to get free she has hit out and mistakenly caught me in the nose.
the skinhead gives a little smirk to himself and thinks, i can't wait til we go through another tunnel so i can smack that french b*st*rd again.
a frenchman is hitchiking along the A1 near newcastle, as he is passing the angel of the north, geordie slows down in his truck and shouts out the window, 'want a lift mate'
the frenchman smiles and shouts back 'oui'
geordie looks sternly at him and replies 'you, you daft t*at'
Probably funnier if he shouted back 'Ou'. "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
2 gays are taking a holiday to Canada, on the way over one gay says to his mate, now iv'e been here before and most Canadians will tolerate gays but there are a few who are still homophobic and don't like our presence, so if you see someone you fancy, the code is 'tickle your a*se with a feather' if they are game you will be ok, but if they look menacing just pretend you said 'typical awful weather'
on the 1st night in a bar the gay see's a hunk of a man standing against the counter eyeing the place up, he approaches the man, smiles and says 'tickle your a*se with a feather'
the man puts his bottle of bud down on the counter, turns round and grabs the gay by the throat 'what did you f*cking say'? he growled
the gay gasping for breath and in fear of a beating replies
'i said it's f*cking p*ssing down'!!0 -
I've got lots of bikes, but one I ride about once a month taking it round my locality singing to people. Its my Minstrel Cycle.
Cr8p - just made it up.0 -
What's grey and comes in buckets?
An elephant.
(I'll get my coat....)0 -
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Tarquin the teacher's pet, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Tarquin," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."0 -
Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little boy was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jonny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jonny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jonny patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!""There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
ante natal clinic. After the exam, she shyly said, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cut her off and reassured her, "I know, I know,
I get the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late
in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know
if I can still mow the lawn.""There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
berliner wrote:I've got lots of bikes, but one I ride about once a month taking it round my locality singing to people. Its my Minstrel Cycle.
Cr8p - just made it up.
Acutally, the famous minstrel Blondel, altho' the ladies all over Europe adored him and the excitement in th palace before he rose to perform led to the first recorded case of pre-minstrel tension, was, alas, gay.
And it was a famously dyslexic Hollywood producer who misunderstood the title of the film about him, "Blondel Men Prefer Gents"Organising the Bradford Kids Saturday Bike Club at the Richard Dunn Sports Centre since 1998
http://www.facebook.com/groups/eastbradfordcyclingclub/
http://www.facebook.com/groups/eastbradfordcyclingclub/0 -
I bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for valentines day....the hoover is now working a treat!0
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Flying Monkey wrote:I bought the wife a new bag and a new belt for valentines day....the hoover is now working a treat!
Do keep up!
See previous page...0 -
I Just rung Dominos Pizza and ordered a thin and crusty Supreme.
Diana Ross just turned up.0 -
I bought my bag a valentine treat then gave her a belt until she hoovered.0
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How do all racist jokes start?....................................With a look over the shoulder!!!
What do you call a black man flying a plane?.....................................THE PILOT, you F*&$ing Racist!!!!0 -
A woman walked into a chemists to enquire about viagra
"can you get it over the counter?" she asked the man at the till.
"if i take two i can." replied the man.0 -
What noise does an exploding monkey make?
Baboon.0
