Missus has a got a new bloke

bontie

Dbg. I have read through most of the thread. While my circumstances are vastly different from yours, I feel like I could add this.
You seem a very decent guy, and your patience is admirable. I honestly don’t know how many other men would put up with this, I definitely wouldn’t.

Having said that – I think you should take a firmer stance, and take control. At this stage she is clearly playing the situation(and you) to suit her needs.
The kids know everything anyway. It sets a terrible example for them and has severe consequences on them, no matter how you spin it (I am living proof of that, having experience something remotely similar as a teenager)

I don’t think playing Mr Nice Guy is going to make you end up happier.

Cleat Eastwood

Zanelad wrote:

I really think you need to fight your corner more. She's got all the comforts of home, for which you're paying half, if not more and she's free to go and shag the new chap while you're left holding the baby (so to speak).

The more you tolerate this the weaker she'll see you as being and treat you like the doormat you seem to be.
If this sounds harsh, then sorry, but you're making a rod for your own back by letting this continue.

I'd change the locks and tell her him or me. O simply don't believe that if it was you sleeping with a 3rd party that your wife would be so accomodating. If she's to continue to live there, then she's got to pay half of everything, unless you willing to pay for her to sleep around. This won't be popular (with her or with most of the forum) but she's got to face up to the consequences of her actions and that they will most probably result in the two of you living apart. Then you'll (and hopefully her) will see just how serious or not matey boy is. As others have said, I am sure he's happy to have an affair but I'd lay good money on him not ending his own relationship to settle down with your wife.

I doubt that this will end well, and prolonging things will only result in you suffering for longer.

Far better, in my opinion, for the children to suffer a short upheaval now and then settle down than a protracted war of attrition while this drags on for months.

Totally agree. You're wifes having her cake and eating it and you're the dumb waiter mopping up after her. Why are you letting her text this turd in your own house. Once you tell her/him to feck off together you'll see the winds change.....by the way any pictures of her norks....she might be a munter and you might right to be well shut of her.

dw300

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

Zanelad wrote:

I really think you need to fight your corner more. She's got all the comforts of home, for which you're paying half, if not more and she's free to go and shag the new chap while you're left holding the baby (so to speak).

The more you tolerate this the weaker she'll see you as being and treat you like the doormat you seem to be.
If this sounds harsh, then sorry, but you're making a rod for your own back by letting this continue.

I'd change the locks and tell her him or me. O simply don't believe that if it was you sleeping with a 3rd party that your wife would be so accomodating. If she's to continue to live there, then she's got to pay half of everything, unless you willing to pay for her to sleep around. This won't be popular (with her or with most of the forum) but she's got to face up to the consequences of her actions and that they will most probably result in the two of you living apart. Then you'll (and hopefully her) will see just how serious or not matey boy is. As others have said, I am sure he's happy to have an affair but I'd lay good money on him not ending his own relationship to settle down with your wife.

I doubt that this will end well, and prolonging things will only result in you suffering for longer.

Far better, in my opinion, for the children to suffer a short upheaval now and then settle down than a protracted war of attrition while this drags on for months.

Totally agree. You're wifes having her cake and eating it and you're the dumb waiter mopping up after her. Why are you letting her text this turd in your own house. Once you tell her/him to feck off together you'll see the winds change.....by the way any pictures of her norks....she might be a munter and you might right to be well shut of her.

Third-ed

I'm concerned that your passivity regarding the situation is because that despite getting advice, you are afraid of doing something that will make the (your) situation worse. If that is the case, that's even more reason to talk to a solicitor for advice.

I'm getting a strengthening 'head-in-the-sand' vibe the longer this goes on. Tell me if I'm wrong, but ask yourself if this is the case, and be honest with yourself.

rozzer32

Zanelad wrote:

dbg wrote:

You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.

Easy words when its not you!! I told her to 'stop seeing the other guy while we're still living together or leave' last night, she said 'no. you leave' - that's her mindset. She maintains we're separated (not legally) so its up to her what she can do. My points that it was morally and ethically wrong until we split and creating a terrible atmosphere for the whole family were met with a shrug.
Of course I knew what the response would be but felt better for the ultimatum! My gut instinct is things may start to accelerate with the other guy and they may set up shop together, this would be the best solution all round so for now I'll hang fire.....I think!!!!!

I really think you need to fight your corner more. She's got all the comforts of home, for which you're paying half, if not more and she's free to go and shag the new chap while you're left holding the baby (so to speak).

The more you tolerate this the weaker she'll see you as being and treat you like the doormat you seem to be.
If this sounds harsh, then sorry, but you're making a rod for your own back by letting this continue.

I'd change the locks and tell her him or me. O simply don't believe that if it was you sleeping with a 3rd party that your wife would be so accomodating. If she's to continue to live there, then she's got to pay half of everything, unless you willing to pay for her to sleep around. This won't be popular (with her or with most of the forum) but she's got to face up to the consequences of her actions and that they will most probably result in the two of you living apart. Then you'll (and hopefully her) will see just how serious or not matey boy is. As others have said, I am sure he's happy to have an affair but I'd lay good money on him not ending his own relationship to settle down with your wife.

I doubt that this will end well, and prolonging things will only result in you suffering for longer.

Far better, in my opinion, for the children to suffer a short upheaval now and then settle down than a protracted war of attrition while this drags on for months.

Another +1 from me.

Laird_Attwood

dbg wrote:

You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.

Easy words when its not you!! I told her to 'stop seeing the other guy while we're still living together or leave' last night, she said 'no. you leave' - that's her mindset. She maintains we're separated (not legally) so its up to her what she can do. My points that it was morally and ethically wrong until we split and creating a terrible atmosphere for the whole family were met with a shrug.
Of course I knew what the response would be but felt better for the ultimatum! My gut instinct is things may start to accelerate with the other guy and they may set up shop together, this would be the best solution all round so for now I'll hang fire.....I think!!!!!

From reading through, they wont ever 'set up shop' together. Sounds very much like the other guy's isn't really serious and no doubt will never leave his partner for yours. People have advised you to speak to his partner - maybe you really should either they will set up together or he'll call it all off and try and sort his own life out after recking yours.
I am in process of getting divorced - my ex was seeing someone else etc. I told her to leave, she did and moved in with other bloke within the week. We have a son and made sure day 1 it was 50/50 on child care/custody he was 2 at the time.

Now with a fantastic partner, every cloud has a silver lining. Although should have seen a solicitor from day 1, advice i was given was to hold off divorce for a couple of years to get it through easy as all money was sorted by then (wasn't any) and could just go through as irretrievable differences. Go see a solicitor, rent somewhere else if she wont and keep your money to you and kids.

dbg

I'm getting a strengthening 'head-in-the-sand' vibe the longer this goes on. Tell me if I'm wrong, but ask yourself if this is the case, and be honest with yourself.

You're right - absolutely right.

Go see a solicitor, rent somewhere else if she wont and keep your money to you and kids.

How am I keeping my money to me and the kids if I'm spending most of it on rent? + child support?? I'd hate anyone to think I'm rich cos I ain't!

Ok had another wee chat tonight. After telling her last week to check if his house really is for sale and he is separating from his partner she says she did just that. Apparently he showed her the house, they have separate food, rooms, everything and there is a for sale sign up. She still maintains no jiggy jiggy has taken place - do I believe her? 65% of me says yes.
She still maintains she does not want to live with him nor he with her (last thing he wants is more kids that aren't his own having spent the last 10 yrs bringing someone else's up). Going to cut him some slack there and say I believe that. She also said they're having real problems selling their house but that's irrelevant if the rest is true.
I said if you can't stop meeting him then I'm going 'legal' she said ok, (she can't say she won't keep meeting him)
So legal route it is, I'll see if I can get a free consultation somewhere and take it from there.
Thanks for the advice guys (and girl!), keep it coming - apart from all the alpha male ' I'd change the locks, chuck her out' etc etc bullshoot (which they'd never do in the same situation of course)
Oh and Cleat her norks ain't bad at all for 49 - which doesn't make it any easier!!

jim453

dbg wrote:

I'm getting a strengthening 'head-in-the-sand' vibe the longer this goes on. Tell me if I'm wrong, but ask yourself if this is the case, and be honest with yourself.

You're right - absolutely right.

Go see a solicitor, rent somewhere else if she wont and keep your money to you and kids.

How am I keeping my money to me and the kids if I'm spending most of it on rent? + child support?? I'd hate anyone to think I'm rich cos I ain't!

Ok had another wee chat tonight. After telling her last week to check if his house really is for sale and he is separating from his partner she says she did just that. Apparently he showed her the house, they have separate food, rooms, everything and there is a for sale sign up. She still maintains no jiggy jiggy has taken place - do I believe her? 65% of me says yes.
She still maintains she does not want to live with him nor he with her (last thing he wants is more kids that aren't his own having spent the last 10 yrs bringing someone else's up). Going to cut him some slack there and say I believe that. She also said they're having real problems selling their house but that's irrelevant if the rest is true.
I said if you can't stop meeting him then I'm going 'legal' she said ok, (she can't say she won't keep meeting him)
So legal route it is, I'll see if I can get a free consultation somewhere and take it from there.
Thanks for the advice guys (and girl!), keep it coming - apart from all the alpha male ' I'd change the locks, chuck her out' etc etc bullshoot (which they'd never do in the same situation of course)
Oh and Cleat her norks ain't bad at all for 49 - which doesn't make it any easier!!

@ and I think you know that. You sound like you'd have her back at the drop of a hat too, which would be a mistake. Just go and tell this guy's wife. Who knows, maybe she's 'the one'.

arthur_scrimshaw

It's obvious that you still want to try to salvage the relationship, otherwise these details which are tormenting you (like whether they've slept together or not) wouldn't matter. It seems that she's committed to a relationship with this person but if it does fall through and you patch things up, this event will eat you up and you'll never have the trust you once did. This will almost certainly guarantee the relationship will fail but it will be a much longer and more painful process.
Not what you want to hear I'm sure. I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this, but acceptance and moving on is most likely to be the best action. Whether this involves solicitors or not is your decision.

dbg

I'm as transparent as a pane of glass aren't I. Its just very very hard to give up on 23 yrs of marriage with a person you still (love?) probably........ who was your best friend and soulmate, and you're right even if patched up the relationship will probably still fail after what has happened.....and yet I cling to this because the alternative is so hard to comprehend. The process of 'growing a pair' does not happen overnight in these circumstances its a gradual acceptance of the inevitable, but I'm getting there.

arthur_scrimshaw

It's not 'growing a pair', it's just looking out for yourself to make sure you're going to be ok and get through this. You won't be any use to your kids if you don't do that. You need help and advice, someone without an agenda to unload this stuff to and try to make some sense of the situation. Someone else who you trust, and this wouldn't be your wife. Hopefully you've got a mate or relative who can help? Coming on here and getting the multiple (and well intentioned) opinions is probably confusing you even more?

Smokin Joe

Sorry to say this, but what your wife says about no 'jiggy-jiggy' having taken place defies belief. It would be the first time a woman has ended her marriage for a platonic relationship. That would make me seriously doubt the stuff she told you about having seen his house and the for sale sign - it sounds like she is not only trying to convince you but she's convincing herself that what he told her is true. She wouldn't tell you any different because she doesn't want you to amplify any doubts she has in her mind.

Remember, unfaithful partners tell lies. That may sound harsh, but that's the way it is and the problem is (and this is not a criticism of you, just an observation) you are still in love with her and you want to believe what she says. I've had someone cheat on me in the past and I can now look back and laugh at the bollocks they told me and I willingly believed it because I couldn't face the truth, but it wasn't funny at the time.

grifterveteran

Understand all those whirlpool of shock, denial, loss emotions - but there'd be something wrong with you if you didnt have such a reaction to what must be one of the most traumatic life events you can have. You're a normal bloke in a bewildering situation.

But you've moved things on a bit in the last few days by asking direct questions and getting a little bit of a clearer picture about the circumstasnces as they are now so allow yourself a pat on the back for this, to me its a wee bit of progress.

I have to say, your wife has behaved very grubbily on certain matters -

1. first she lied to you about why she wanted to end it with you 'ive just fallen out of love with you' or some bullshit and you only found out about the affair on facebook - she calculated not to be honest from the start
2.worse - showing a 15 year daughter texts from the new man is appalling and a possible headf@@k for your daughter
3. her latest 'no you move out' shows a level of calculation - morally grubby towards you as well as seeming indifference/coldness to the impact on the kids (shrug of shoulders), but legally she knows shes a good shout for custody/house etc so she wants the house and for you to F off out of it - quite calculating and certainly selfish and standing firm/manourvering for a favourable outcome for herself in terms of house,custody,your maintenace. She knows where she stands on things and is in effect fighting her corner. Did she say what her medium to long term plans were with her new relationship?? Plans to move together??

Its still early days in this legally though, and I agree with what others have said - you need some legal advice to talk you through all the housing, financial, custody, maintenance options - again you are putting yourself on firmer ground and better able to make informed decisions about the future. You will have options and choices in all of this, too. It sounds to me like she doesnt care a damn for your well being and you need to make sure you don't leave yourself (and therefore also the kids in the longrun) vulnerable to being completely shafted and fucked over. I know moneys tight but could be the bast money you ever spend. (You might also try citizens advive bureau for advice see if they have contacts of Family Lawyers)

Again, all the best mate and make sure you don't hit the bottle, eat healthily, take exercise, see good friends, stay washed/shaved/clean clothes and continue your quality time with the kids.

vitesse169

dbg wrote:

I'm getting a strengthening 'head-in-the-sand' vibe the longer this goes on. Tell me if I'm wrong, but ask yourself if this is the case, and be honest with yourself.

You're right - absolutely right.

Go see a solicitor, rent somewhere else if she wont and keep your money to you and kids.

How am I keeping my money to me and the kids if I'm spending most of it on rent? + child support?? I'd hate anyone to think I'm rich cos I ain't!

Ok had another wee chat tonight. After telling her last week to check if his house really is for sale and he is separating from his partner she says she did just that. Apparently he showed her the house, they have separate food, rooms, everything and there is a for sale sign up. She still maintains no jiggy jiggy has taken place - do I believe her? 65% of me says yes.
She still maintains she does not want to live with him nor he with her (last thing he wants is more kids that aren't his own having spent the last 10 yrs bringing someone else's up). Going to cut him some slack there and say I believe that. She also said they're having real problems selling their house but that's irrelevant if the rest is true.
I said if you can't stop meeting him then I'm going 'legal' she said ok, (she can't say she won't keep meeting him)
So legal route it is, I'll see if I can get a free consultation somewhere and take it from there.
Thanks for the advice guys (and girl!), keep it coming - apart from all the alpha male ' I'd change the locks, chuck her out' etc etc bullshoot (which they'd never do in the same situation of course)
Oh and Cleat her norks ain't bad at all for 49 - which doesn't make it any easier!!

He showed her A house that is for sale - maybe.
Sorry for my mistrust, but after 2 divorces, much lies and the situ deteriorating to mud slinging - I am accutely aware of the things that people will do. That and the 23yrs in law enforcement & 12yrs military prior to that....
Again, best of luck...

dbg

Finally done it (no, not killed her) rang the local solicitors for a 15min free consultation - date tbc. She said make a list of important questions so you don't waste time and get charged!! Got images of a big clock ticking away on the desk.
So time to make some bullet points. :shock:

bobtbuilder

dbg wrote:

I'm as transparent as a pane of glass aren't I. Its just very very hard to give up on 23 yrs of marriage with a person you still (love?) probably........ who was your best friend and soulmate, and you're right even if patched up the relationship will probably still fail after what has happened.....and yet I cling to this because the alternative is so hard to comprehend. The process of 'growing a pair' does not happen overnight in these circumstances its a gradual acceptance of the inevitable, but I'm getting there.

Of course it's hard to comprehend. You are still in shock from what has happened. The first stage of your recovery and progression is to accept what has happened and the realism that the marriage is almost certainly over. Like you have said, even if she wanted you back and stopped seeing the other guy, there damage done to your marriage may be irreparable.

You seem to be doing well on the practical side of things, as is often the case. However, as important as the practicalities are, they can prevent from you having the time to emotionally adjust to what's happened.

As has been said by numerous posters before me, try and stay healthy for the sake of you and your kids. Take each day as it comes and be realistic with what you need to achieve. Some days you can make huge leaps forward and other days just keeping your sh*t together is as good as it can get.

We're all thinking of you.

Tom Butcher

I'd definitely make sure the other guy's wife knows - and I'd go and talk to the other guy too - not to have it out with him just to find out what his plans are and whether they match up to what your wife is telling you. It seems to me at the moment you are in limbo and your wife is calling the shots as regards where things go from here - even though she may be being led on by the other guy I suppose. It's your life and you have a right to find out what other people intend to do so you can plan accordingly.

-spider-

First bullet point for your consultation - what are my options? The second - what are the chances of success in each? If you have time go into other specifics - what about the kids, what about the house, etc. But best value may come from the first two.

My thoughts are with you.

Oh and get out on your bike. (See if the solicitor is a cyclist and go for a run with her - ask Campag or Shimano?)

Best of luck

Laird_Attwood

dbg wrote:

I'm getting a strengthening 'head-in-the-sand' vibe the longer this goes on. Tell me if I'm wrong, but ask yourself if this is the case, and be honest with yourself.

You're right - absolutely right.

Go see a solicitor, rent somewhere else if she wont and keep your money to you and kids.

How am I keeping my money to me and the kids if I'm spending most of it on rent? + child support?? I'd hate anyone to think I'm rich cos I ain't!

You do realise there are scales of what you pay if you go through CSA . As I arranged a 50/50 split as I couldn't get him more/full time (although I do get extra days when his mum wants a night out/holiday etc) I do not have to pay a penny in child support. Didn't go through CSA but they also state I don't have to pay when I am involved in child's life so much. I just provide for him. CSA don't want to deal with things now anyway and try and get an arrangement made with out them - if you are both civil and can work things out do it. Solicitor will advise you on all of that anyway.

andy9964

If you know/have a rough idea where the other guy lives,look his house up on Zoopla, Rightmove etc. any estate agent worth their salt these days, will have a website

Good luck

popularname

Hey dbg

Slightly similar story here (although wife just walked out and left two boys with me - no other guy involved as far as I know). That was three years ago and I will (finally) be divorced in a week.

So thing #1 is that it takes a lot of time.

I tried hard for a long time to figure out what was going on and to keep things treasonable, but she became increasingly aggressive (hit me twice, not hard at all, but both times in view of the kids) and tried to make me take the blame for her bad behaviour. For a long while, that worked and I took it on.

So thing #2 is that you must keep the moral high ground. Sounds like you're doing really well there.

Then I realised what she was doing and (after too long) spoke to my solicitor and got things moving, slowly. Now, my boys live with me for half the time. It's not what it should have been, but better than it could be - and when we're together, we do lots of stuff and I can be the dad I want to be with them.

So thing #3 is, you can make it work and it can be good.

I don't agree with the more aggressive approaches some posters advocate, but that is about my own style. Even now, I ask myself if I should have been tougher or made her pay more for what she did to our family (she's done well out of the settlement) but at the end of the day, I didn't negotiate aggressively because I wanted my kids to have a good home with her. I have lost out financially but will sort something out. And it's not my style. If I had been more aggressive, she would have beaten me. From my perspective, staying true to your own way of doing things is more important - otherwise you will not be happy and she will have taken something away from you.

So thing #4 is be true to your values and what you believe.

Good luck with how this plays out - I tried for a year to understand why she had left and to try and fix it but it soon became clear that she was using me and and didn't have the courage to take responsibility for her actions. Painful as it is, at least you have a clear sense of it.

You sound strong, a decent bloke and a great dad. It's easy to think you did something wrong in these situations, but sometimes you really are an innocent victim. Shame the ducking law doesn't recognise that. Good luck going forwards - sounds like you're doing a good job in working through this process that has no map whatsoever. THere may be a big hill to climb yet, but you do come down the other side eventually. Everyone does it differently, so go with what seems right. At the end of the day, you only have what seems right to you and the kids.

Make sure you look after yourself and, Ike others have said - keep riding and keep talking to friends.