Missus has a got a new bloke
Comments
-
Thanks Spider0
-
Good luck mate, been through something similar about 4-5 years ago with two kids. Now shacked up with great girl who I met through the local bike club and all is good, shared interests and all that (although she hates Cav which is a point of contention). RIngfence whats important to you, dont believe anything she says and don't do anything petty in return. Stay calm in debate but stick to your guns. Get a good lawyer. Ride your bike more.0
-
a lot of good input on here and good luck dbg whatever happens.
One thing I will say is dont just give in, I watched my mother and father go through a similar thing (although myself and brother were older than your kids). Every time my mother asked for something he gave in usually saying well i have to keep her happy or i wont get..... As kids it was very hard to forgive our mother partly because of what she did and how she did it and partly how she bled him dry because he still cared.
Talking to him now, he's remarried, much happier and if his only regret is giving in so easily to her demands/requests.
keep your chin up and stand up for what you want. Courts can rule either way now and if you can prove the kids want to be with you and would be comfortable or even better off then why wouldn't they consider your case.
Also could it be possible said other fella found out missus was considering leaving, decided not to leave his missus and definately didn't want two kids in tow? It's very different meeting up with an old flame compared to putting up with them day in day out and for want of a better word their baggage.
Hope it works out whatever you decide.0 -
For gods sake don't make the kids choose between you - where they live really should be for the parents to resolve themselves. Quite how you sort that amicably I haven't a clue!-spider- wrote:Talk to the kids about all three of you supporting each other and listen to (and act on where possible) what they have to say.0 -
Nor I - therein lies the problem0
-
Have I been re directed to a Trisha website?
Only Joking
Pretty crap situ. Tell her you have decided for one day only to be immature about. Beat up the new boyfriend, go out, get drunk, and bang all round you.
Worry about any guilt the next day.Cube Attain SL Disc
Giant CRS 2.00 -
plenty of good advice, from I would add
1) by not moving out you maintain a point of established presence with the kids and its power to your elbow when discussing who has custody - or shared custody. These days good fathers have a better chance of retaining custody if it gets to this point - it is not pre-written that she will get custody
2) Spider has good advice about talking to the kids - you become strong through them and vice versa
3) - treat every suggestion from the missus with the utmost suspicion. Her view of things WILL change potentially beyond anything you may have thought possible as time goes by.
4) try to avoid court - but dont give in to demands purely to avoid it without major consideration
5) find your local relate centre and go see them (by yourself)- if nothing else they allow you to empty your heart out, cry, shout etc and come away feeling a bit better. (perhaps internet forums have taken this place a bit !!)
6) talk to someone that knows about things like the CSA (still called that ?) so that you are aware of the implications of any actions you may take unwittingly.
7) - It will get better0 -
Not been through it myself, but have seen a couple of goods mates going through it.
There has been some great advice, talking to the kids is vey important.
If you've not made a Will get one done quickly as she would be entitled to part of your estate, if you have a Will get it altered ASAP.
She might be the last person you want your money to go to if anything were to happen to you, but that is what could happen.0 -
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
Oh sorry thought I was on The top 5's thread, It's an AC/DC song0 -
Does the other guy's wife know what's going on?0
-
We all want you to have established first contact with a solicitor on your next update! You need to talk to one for their experience in this area, and to advise you on not doing something stupid, and to give you a focus, and something constructive to do to make the situation better.
Anything you do along these lines will be for the good of everyone involved, to stop it getting messy, they may even be able to advice how to settle without too many legal proceedings.
Also, you seem to be worried about your wife getting custody. I've not been through it, but wouldn't the fact she was the one that cheated make you the one likely to get custody. Her lying about being unfaithful so far, is her trying to keep herself in the best legal position, you need to be doing the same.
Whatever .. it's not going to be a bad thing to do .. get it done!All the above is just advice .. you can do whatever the f*ck you wana do!
Bike Radar Strava Club
The Northern Ireland Thread0 -
Suuurely we have a solicitor in the house???0
-
ok I'm getting the Ireland holiday out of the way (she's not coming, I'm taking my youngest's best mate in her place god help me). Then - solicitor.
Apparently he has just told his long term girlfriend about his affection for my missus (this is according to my missus but I totally don't believe her or him). They are both in the process of selling their house so they can go their separate ways and he has stated he has no intention of living with anyone in the near future (I possibly believe that a tiny bit more). I guess even if they haven't 'done it', me bogging off to Ireland for 5 days with the kids will give her ample opportunity!! Mind you he might be shit in the sack or give her a dose and she'll come running back to me! (joke).
The way she shuts herself in the conservatory to chat to him on her mobile does my soddin head in :evil:0 -
Went through a similar situation a few years ago (her not coming home till 7 or 8 at night every night, blank refsual to admit that something was afoot, then the inevitable) and the one thing I can offer is not to let her get away with any more than she's entitled to. It's too tempting to want to play the good guy and to make sure she doesn't lose out but in the end she's shafted you (and the kids..) to leg it with another bloke. You don't owe her anything. In five years time she might not be a distance memory but you'll be kicking yourself if you let her - and her new fellah - get away with the house and a good chunk of your worldly possessions.dbg wrote:The way she shuts herself in the conservatory to chat to him on her mobile does my soddin head in :evil:
Be firm, ruthless if needs be, but don't let her walk away with more than she's worth just out of a sense of duty to her. You'll kick yourself in a couple of years if you do. And it's quite likely that Ms Brill is just round the corner ready to bump into you.0 -
100% This ^
I like this thread .. everyones on the same side!
But she's obviously out of her depth with how to handle this situation. The calls may just be for moral support, but you can bet that she'll be getting advice on how to handle the situation, because she has no idea.
Is this all out in the open yet? ie. Friends and family know?All the above is just advice .. you can do whatever the f*ck you wana do!
Bike Radar Strava Club
The Northern Ireland Thread0 -
Fastlad wrote:Suuurely we have a solicitor in the house???
Absolutely, what sort of commercial property are we looking at?
Did do some time in a matrimonial department. Sticking points are obvious, access to kids and money. It has to be said that there is usually a bias towards children living with the mum no matter who's done the dirty. The rule of thumb (and it is only a rule) the longer the marriage the more even the split of assets i.e after 20 years assets would probably be split 50/50, after 18 months more likely to be split according to contribution.
If she is willing to be bought out of the house then I would press on with that before she changes her mind. Who knows, after a couple of weeks with her lover boy she may realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all.0 -
As someone who went through the exact same I will reiterate don't go to a solicitor yet.
CAB is a good start and please ignore the advice of talking to the CSA that is pure madness.
If she starts making demands or issues divorce papers that you feel are unreasonable then by all means go see a lawyer.
As I said I saw a solicitor and saw the £ in his eyes. The tosser even didn't bother replying in person to my missus he used the letters I'd sent him and forwarded them on to her solicitor! Charged £150 for that pleasure! Useless feck honest. I even did the divorce myself which was easier as I'd given everything over.
Sit down in a pub and go through what each of you want or need and try to come to some agreement between the two of you. Shake hands at the end wish each other good luck and go your separate ways.0 -
Gazzaputt wrote:As I said I saw a solicitor and saw the £ in his eyes. quote]
Too true. The solicitor I used got struck off eventually because he was diverting funds to pay for his girlfriend's luxury lifestyle behind his wife's back! It really pi$$ed me off knowing I was helping to pay for that :roll:0 -
hmmm maybe I won't make that solicitor appointment just yet! - good to hear from someone who has been through the exact same, and tbh that reinforced my feelings. Whilst everyone else has good intentions unless you've actually been in that situation its not the same really.0
-
OP -- your'e right there, seems lots of 'advice' on here from alpha males wanting to push out their chests, those who've been through it will be more circumspect, you seem to be handling things really well, you are being positive and not letting bitterness taint your thoughts, hope you can avoid the legal vultures,they are only in it for one thing, in a proper society we would have civil arbiters that could help without the incursion of huge costs.
all the very best...0 -
as a bit of a guide - work out what you have money wise ie pension valuation , savings , equity , anything else of value , her pension ? , add it all up , as someone suggested earlier split it in half see what is yours ie pension and what you can 'negotiate' on . Things like pension , do you want to be giving a % away in x amount of years ?
If you can make a clean break and both move on it prevents the 'lingering' of waiting for finances to be sorted in maybe 7 years when your youngest reaches a certain age.
If you do go nd see a solicitor and get 1st appointment free of charge take this with you and make a list of questions to take with you , but as has already been said if it drags on this can cost a small fortune !!
If your on semi talking terms , mediation is alot cheaper but if you know it will be messy it becomes sort of pointless.
Good luck , lots of people out there on the 2nd time round , lessons learnt and all that.
Good luck hope it all pans out for you and the kids.Enigma Esprit Di2 - Go tI ! Summer !0 -
Thanks for the messages of support they do actually help.0
-
Having been thru this before I totally sympathise with you dbg. However, you must speak to a mate or 3 who have been thru this and get their take on the law firm they used - if they speak highly, then go to that firm. Word of mouth is a good advert. Speaking to a legal rep will clear up any ambiguity - as for the children, if they are of an age (10-16yrs) the Judge will take account of their wants, as it is their welfare and wishes that are paramount in this situation. For Gods sake don't give in to her blindly - EVERYTHING is up for negotiation, you can bargain away things that mean nil to you and lots to her. Be firm, show no weakness & by that I mean don't be an @rse be firm and unemotional towards her because if she can see that you are weak she will exploit it mercilessly, REALLY.
It may pay you (though not right now) to approach this blokes woman to find out what - if anything - she knows or her take on the situation. If your wife has told you that the bloke says he is splitting with his GF, that brings her into play - she can be spoken to by you for any info on the 'relationship'. You never know, the GF may be aware of 'the dirty' and is trying to keep hold of him by ignoring it.
Take a deep breath and enjoy the holiday with the girls, when you come back - swing into action, doing nothing is counterproductive.
Best of luck...0 -
I'm no expert on marriage (22 years old .. getting married next sept), but I can tell you from the children's side that living in a house with parents that have a dysfunctional relationship is awful.
You're going to be teaching them that regardless of whether you're happy or not, you're just going to stick with it, leading an unfulfilled life. They're at the age now where they can and will understand.
Also, I bet your wife will soon realise the grass isn't greener on the other side. Just hang in there and I hope it gets easier for you, which it will.0 -
Don't worry I have no intention of just rolling over, she knows full well I want the kids and the house, at one point she even agreed to let me buy her out only to renege when the kids said they probably wouldn't stay at her new house! Any mothers bond with her kids is very strong but I think eventually she will agree to go, it will just take time and I have to maintain my dignity throughout which is not easy.
0 -
Slowbike wrote:
For gods sake don't make the kids choose between you - where they live really should be for the parents to resolve themselves. Quite how you sort that amicably I haven't a clue!-spider- wrote:Talk to the kids about all three of you supporting each other and listen to (and act on where possible) what they have to say.
That wasn't about asking the kids to take sides but to get them involved in managing to result.
-Spider-0 -
dbg wrote:Don't worry I have no intention of just rolling over, she knows full well I want the kids and the house, at one point she even agreed to let me buy her out only to renege when the kids said they probably wouldn't stay at her new house! Any mothers bond with her kids is very strong but I think eventually she will agree to go, it will just take time and I have to maintain my dignity throughout which is not easy.
Try not to touch the beer for a while, that's a sure fire way to lose your dignity in a situation like this.
I'd suggest that it's gone past the point of reconciliation; would you spend the rest of your time together constantly wondering if she was about to leave you, or checking her phone, emails etc.?FCN: 60 -
-spider- wrote:Slowbike wrote:
For gods sake don't make the kids choose between you - where they live really should be for the parents to resolve themselves. Quite how you sort that amicably I haven't a clue!-spider- wrote:Talk to the kids about all three of you supporting each other and listen to (and act on where possible) what they have to say.
That wasn't about asking the kids to take sides but to get them involved in managing to result.
I guessed as much - but it would be so easy to ask a blunt "who would you rather live with" question - effectively passing the decision to them... they might not be prepared for the hurt that their answer may cause the unwanted parent and it may ultimately lead to them blaming themselves for any resulting mess ...0 -
Having been through this myself. I have a couple of points:
1. I didn't bother with a solicitor except for the financial agreement. They just seemed like a bunch of money grabbing bastards who did not give a hoot as another person rolled in to their office with assets for them to get hold of.
2. I tried really hard to resolve the issues me and my wife had but in the end a clean break and moving out of the house was the only way forward. One of you needs to leave or you both need to resolve the problems in your relationship.
3. I did the divorce myself, the papers are dead easy to fill in. Anyone can do it. However we agreed to do it by 2 years separation which is legally easier to do.
4. I didn't have kids involved so I dont know how that would change things.
If you can keep the solicitors out of it, things will be much better in the long run as both of you will be better off financially. Even though you both are very angry and bitter remember that you loved eachother at one point and have two kids to think of.So try to make it as amicable as possible.
Finally you have my sympathies.0 -
What worries me is that if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd suspect that your worldly goods would be in black bin bags on the lawn and the locks changed.
Work out what you want and act accordingly. If you're prepared to tolerate her daliance in the hope that she'll come back, then so be it. If not get your arse in gear and get ahead of the game.
Dignity is fine, but it'll be the first casualty once the gloves come off.0
