Missus has a got a new bloke

dbg

Well, after 23 yrs of marriage she declares she still loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants a separation. I then find out through facebook she's been seeing an old school friend and she admits she's in love with him but they haven't actually 'done it!'. We have to continue living together for financial reasons (complicated, but we have 15 and 12yr daughters and she works from home as a child minder. She cannot afford for me to move out anytime soon unless I poured so much money back into the house I'd have to live in a dingy bedsit.
He is also in a relationship which is breaking up and they are looking to sell their home.
Given the choice the girls would rather live with me and I would rather not move out, unfortunately I still love my wife too, so all rather a mess! When does it get easier!!!

Gazzaputt

It does get better.

All I can say it make sure the kids don't suffer as difficult as it is.

If the girls are happy to be with you then she should do the decent thing and move out. I made the mistake of moving out after my missus did the dirty. Sit tight and ride the storm it'll pass.

Good luck

estampida

dont stay together for the sake of the kids it will ruin 4 lives

seen that with my missus family ( I came from single parent family so have seen the other side with only 1 parent)

years and years of walking on egg shells in their house

her brother got everything he wanted apart from adults being adult and just accepting what has happened and moving on (she moved out and got a council flat, stayed at her sisters until1 was available)
and was an alcoholic by 19................ (they split in a very explosive way when he was 17 or so)

the mother wants to be my missus best friend (rather than the mother of the family.....)

its gonna be hard but you are adults and the kids come first, they are still to live their lives, and you set the course

good luck

dbg

Yeah
My mates advise the same, sit tight, possession nine parts of law etc. It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish. She just says I never showed enough affection (blokes take note!!) and can't help falling in love. I keep blaming myself but ultimately what's done is done and you can't turn the clock back. But when will I fall out of love with her!? because it would make things a lot easier if I could. At the moment we're at the hardly speaking phase and we're going to Ireland on Saturday as a family - how crap is that going to be!!

dbg

Forgot to say Ireland is a 5 day holiday

slowbike

dbg wrote:

Well, after 23 yrs of marriage she declares she still loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants a separation. I then find out through facebook she's been seeing an old school friend and she admits she's in love with him

Yer - but what bike does he ride? Any good to use as a training partner?!

daviesee

It is going to be hard. Very, very hard.

However. as advised above, do not pretend to be a "normal" family for the children. It doesn't work. They know.

My sister & brother-in-law have been doing this for 5 years (even though he has moved out) and are basically sticking their heads in the sand hoping it will all go away. It won't. The children are all basket cases, hanging on to the dream that they will reunite. They are actually thinking of living together, but not getting back together, again for financial reasons and that will confuse the children even more.

It won't be easy. It won't be nice. But you have to deal with the situation ASAP and move on. Easier said than done, I know.
This is assuming that your wife is serious. Try calling her bluff, she may change her mind. Whatever you say in calling her bluff is going to have to said at some point anyway.

I hope this can be amicably resolved and future happiness for you and your children.

ShutUpLegs

dbg wrote:

It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish.

Why should your kids go through emotional turmoil? Its your responsibility as an adult to protect them from that.

She is splitting up with you, not your kids.

daviesee

ShutUpLegs wrote:

dbg wrote:

It just makes me so sad how she can put the kids through all the emotional turmoil and be so selfish.

Why should your kids go through emotional turmoil? Its your responsibility as an adult to protect them from that.

She is splitting up with you, not your kids.

Is it not possible that for children, their Mother (or Father) leaving home can be a bit of an emotional turmoil?

2Phat4Rapha

Sorry 'bout this ol' fella but the one thing you must not lose in the mayhem is your dignity.
Neither your wife nor your children want to see you blubbing. So yes, MTFU in front of them. Collapse on your own if you have to.

I didn’t.

daviesee

PS:- This sounds a wee bit like a plea from her. If she hasn't gone too far down the road then it may be that she doesn't really want to. And even if she does, there is a high chance of regrets later.

dbg

I'm pretty sure there will be regrets later - I'm actually quite a nice guy Main problem on the horizon will be the house - she ain't gonna want to move out and if she goes down the law route where do I stand? Can I refuse a divorce just to be awkward?

dbg

Some one mentioned trying not to get the kids involved - sorry but that's impossible, especially when she confides in them! The eldest ended up as a peacemaker in one row - mind you she does want to be a psychologist when she grows up so its all good practice I guess

2Phat4Rapha

1. You need a solicitor - NOW.

Worst case: sell the house and divvy up, you both move on, the kids WILL live with her (mostly), you pay maintenance.

Likliest case: She stays in the house with the kids until the youngest is old enough. You pay maintenance. You move out and build a new life - paying for that as well.

“Fault” doesn’t figure in these things.

Wanna keep the costs down? Don’t argue. Believe me, don't argue.

jibberjim

With your daughters wanting to live with you, then you can almost certainly stay in the house with them, she can move out (obviously this would depend on the exact financial arrangements in a divorce however the childrens continuity would be important) The children are old enough that their choice will carry a lot of weight - but yes talk to the CAB and then solicitor. Yes that screws up her job if she child-minds from your property, but that's likely distinct, perhaps agree that she can continue doing that from there while she is living in the dingy bedsit.

Be amicable, friendly, but make the split quick, it will be better for everyone. And go find a partner who can ride a bike - they're a lot less trouble.

2Phat4Rapha

And go find a partner who can ride a bike - they're a lot less trouble.

Sage advice

seward4or5

Maybe this is a cry for attention and your wife actually wants you to fight for your relationship. If so, you both need to talk properly, you need to listen, and she needs to kick this bloke to the curb permanently, and never be in touch again.

Depends whether you feel you can forgive her, probably make some changes yourself, and whether she can back down and apologise to you too. If you want to save the relationship you need to tell her this in no uncertain terms (do this before the holiday...)

Gazzaputt

One thing is they haven't slept together which points to guilt and knowing it's wrong.

Maybe 5 days away might help you never know.

If not as said keep your composure at all times. It'll be hard but i speak from experience.

My best day was the day i let go. It is hard.

dbg

Well, looks like its just me and the kids in Ireland now.
Her normal mobile received a text this morning (she keeps a separate one for texts from him) as it was 7.30 I checked to see if it was important and it was a pic message from him on hols with the message I love you **** written on the beach - so I texted him back with words to the effect 'sort out a place to live with my wife now or its going to get messy' - he's told her - she's gone mad, said she's going to move out and is not going to Ireland - I told her 'good' - looks like I've MTFU'd !!!
Not sure if I've made a mistake but it actually feels quite good, gonna be an interesting night

p9uma

Most of the above advice is good. I would like to reiterate one thing and pass on some advice an old not gave me years ago.

1. Do not argue over the money, especially if there is a solicitor involved, it costs a fortune.
2. If your relationship is dead, bury it before it starts to stink.

Yellow Peril

Sorry didn't see your last post dbg. sorry it's all over.

ShutUpLegs

dbg wrote:

gonna be an interesting night

Slip her one in the big ring

dw300

Just don't let her walk all over you. She might say she 'loves you, but isn't in love etc', but she doesn't care anymore, and will manipulate you to see herself right. You need to do what you can to put yourself in a position of strength both for yourself and the kids.

Fastlad

dw300 wrote:

Just don't let her walk all over you. She might say she 'loves you, but isn't in love etc', but she doesn't care anymore, and will manipulate you to see herself right. You need to do what you can to put yourself in a position of strength both for yourself and the kids.

My thoughts exactly!!!

Once a woman is finished with you....she's finished!! Throw compromise right out the window and any feelings you still have for her!! Take the hardline with your dignity intact and DON'T grovel after her!!!! Holiday? why? Tell the kids she doesn't want you!!! Their old enough to understand! NO WAY would i hear of a b!tch in my life dishing oot that crap and expecting me to tow her line. Be strong and stay positive. All the best.

verylonglegs

Do you really think she hasn't slept with someone who she is prepared to divorce and split a family for? I'm genuinely not stirring or trying to be mischievous, I just don't think people go to those sort of measures without sampling the new pastures a bit first. Sorry.

Fastlad

OF COURSE she's slept with him. I hate when women lie (and they all do) about their "flirtations." She's in love with someone else FFS. Helllooooo!!!! In love= happiness, feelings of joy....oh and nookie at every chance!!! Lets all be realistic here and not fool ourselves!!

dylanfernley

Fastlad-- you into dogs ?

Fastlad

dylanfernley wrote:

Fastlad-- you into dogs ?

not fussed. you?

jim453

dylanfernley wrote:

Fastlad-- you into dogs ?

Very funny.

And fastlad, you 'toe the line', you don't 'tow' it. Common mistake.

As you were.

Fastlad

jim453 wrote:

dylanfernley wrote:

Fastlad-- you into dogs ?

Very funny.

And fastlad, you 'toe the line', you don't 'tow' it. Common mistake.

As you were.

jim, i don't think my spelling mistake is really an issue here ferfuksake. The poor sod's going through a break up and needs support. As YOU were

jim453

Fastlad wrote:

jim453 wrote:

dylanfernley wrote:

Fastlad-- you into dogs ?

Very funny.

And fastlad, you 'toe the line', you don't 'tow' it. Common mistake.

As you were.

jim, i don't think my spelling mistake is really an issue here ferfuksake. The poor sod's going through a break up and needs support. As YOU were

It wasn't a spelling mistake. You used the wrong word (and probably always have). I'm just trying to save you any future embarrassment. Don't want you showing yourself up in front of one of your 'bitches'.

You are right as regards the OP though. Sounds messy, mate. My parents stayed together for ten years thinking it was best for the children. It wasn't. Do what you need to do as quickly as possible, they'll get over it. And so will you. Good luck.