Missus has a got a new bloke
Comments
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I guess she's happy to roll along as she is getting the best of both worlds so isn't in any rush to make her move
Totally understand why you are wanting to keep things as normal as possible for the kids (and fair play to you for doing it, too) but you need to think about you as well and whether just carrying on is necessarily the best thing for you and them in the long term.
I'm no expert by any means though, so feel free to ignore that last suggestion if you want!0 -
Simmotino wrote:I guess she's happy to roll along as she is getting the best of both worlds so isn't in any rush to make her move
Think you've hit the nail on the head there.0 -
And I would bet her new bloke is more than happy to have his cake and eat it. A man is much less inclined to leave his spouse and set up home with someone new, they're generally happy to keep the home comforts and have a bit on the side.Simmotino wrote:I guess she's happy to roll along as she is getting the best of both worlds so isn't in any rush to make her move0 -
That's a good point, it never really occurred to me that he might just be leading her on and his house isn't actually for sale nor is his relationship with his girlfriend on the rocks. I know she's seeing him tonight so I'll casually mention she should ask him to drive past his house so she can see the For Sale sign!0
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dbg wrote:That's a good point, it never really occurred to me that he might just be leading her on and his house isn't actually for sale nor is his relationship with his girlfriend on the rocks. I know she's seeing him tonight so I'll casually mention she should ask him to drive past his house so she can see the For Sale sign!
...might I refer you to the second part of my post of 23rd August in particular.0 -
I have not read all seven pages so excuse me if I am repeating/missing things but...
I have been through 2 divorces and the first one was the only one with children. All I can say is that from bitter and prolonged personal experience regardless of the whys and wherefores if the female gets all funny and shops you the the CSA YOU will be paying 20% (2 children) of your net income, regardless of your outgoings (it is not means tested, a simple formula of 15% for 1 or 20% for 2) if the children live with her. This can rise to 40% of your net income if they decide arrears are owed - now that really bites!!!!!
And if they live with you and you try and get CSA on her case you will be laughed at and sent away with a flea in your ear.
I am still paying for the youngest and I was 'asked to leave becuase she did not want me anymore' 14 years ago.
So the single biggest piece of advice I can give you is do whatever it takes to avoid the CSA call at all costs - keeping your ex sweet so she does not go down that route is the only way to do that.
Am I bitter - you bet your wife I am.Yellow is the new Black.0 -
dbg wrote:That's a good point, it never really occurred to me that he might just be leading her on and his house isn't actually for sale nor is his relationship with his girlfriend on the rocks. I know she's seeing him tonight so I'll casually mention she should ask him to drive past his house so she can see the For Sale sign!
If his house is up for sale then just have a look on ww.rightmove.co.uk
nearly every estate agent in the country uses that site and will tell you if its up for sale/rent. It's starting to look like everyone is getting what they want other than you dbg
Hope things work out for you0 -
dbg wrote:That's a good point, it never really occurred to me that he might just be leading her on and his house isn't actually for sale nor is his relationship with his girlfriend on the rocks. I know she's seeing him tonight so I'll casually mention she should ask him to drive past his house so she can see the For Sale sign!
Sounds like a good time to change the locks
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DBG, I haven't been in this situation before so I can't offer any sage advice nor can I tell you what I would have done by now if I had been in this situation, because it would be unhelpful and illegal! :evil:
All I can say is Good Luck to you and the kids: you're a better man than me for having got this far.0 -
Difficult to look if his house is for sale when I don't know where he lives!!0
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dbg wrote:Difficult to look if his house is for sale when I don't know where he lives!!
There's probably an App for that!
If it was me I'd want to know. I'd want to know if he was stringing her along, especially if I still had feeling for her myself and, regardless of what she thought of me, wanted to make sure she wasn't making a huge mistake.0 -
One thing I'd be willing to take a bet on here - lover boy's girlfriend knows nothing about this and he has no intention of her ever finding out. If he's pushed about when he's going to leave and set up home with Mrs dbg I'll bet "It's not the right time, she's got problems at the moment and I'll wait a little", plus the usual "We sleep in separate rooms, we're just together for financial reasons" and all the other string along rubbish.
I've seen it all before, and I'm ashamed to say when I was married to the first Mrs Smokin' Joe I was one of the ar$eholes who did exactly that.0 -
Sorry to hear of your troubles,
Can't help but think that you could do with knowing a few more facts and i think its reasonable for you to ask your wife calmly for more information such as -
what are her long term intentions? to move in with new bloke? how does she see housing, financial and custody/access arrangments playing out with you and the kids??
has she seen where new bloke lives? is his house up for sale? does he still live with the partner he's breaking up with?does this (ex)partner know about your wife being on the scene, if not why not? is there any possibility he could be stringing her along?
what does new bloke think about his new partner (ie your wife) sharing a house with (ex) husband?
what is the new blokes attitude to the fact his new partner has children? does she ever see a reconciliation as possible and that last question is something you'd have to ask yourself. RELATE counselling might be helpful both in managing a breakup and a reconciliation.
you'd have to think carefully before asking these Q's as as others have pointed out, she could unfortunately turn the screw financially.
they are all difficult questions and issues, but by asking them calmly you are taking a little bit of control of the situation and moving things along a bit - you've had a few weeks to get used to the shock but you can't stay suspended in time and space for ever. Its also putting a little bit of responsibility onto your wife as well because this limbo and avoiding the issues is kind of suiting her.
The reason i think its reasonable for you to ask these questions is for your own sanity - to be able to then allow yourself to be able to stand on more solid ground and have more of an idea whats going on. At the minute you're having to second guess everything and torment yourself at the many twists and turns as to what might be going on in the present and to how it might all play out.
It seems to me like you are exercising remarkable self restraint and in so doing have the presence of mind to think of the impact on the kids. However, i wonder if all the anger and corrosive emotions will catch up with you sooner or later and explode - it wouldn't be surprising you're only human and your life at the minute sounds like a pressure cooker building and building mate. Everybody has their limits and we can only live in dysfunction for so long before the toil on your sanity, self respect and view of the world begins to show.
I remember from growing up how friends whose parents were always arguing, or drinking, or going through a messy divorce alaways hated the conflict and lack of stability in the home, but quickly settled and were relieved when the divorce went through and they lived with one parent, saw the other regular and things settled into a pattern again.
Finally, your motto at the minute should be 'self-care' or 'self-care and the wellbeing of the kids' Stick to basic rules of eat healthy x3 daily, abstain from all alcohol its an artificial depressant, regular exercise, dont isolate yourself talk to a friend, and make real quality time with the kids (last one u seem to be making a priority). If things are getting too much, see your GP or google counsellors in your area particulaely relationship counsellors most will see you on your own.
All the best mate0 -
sound advice above. Hope you get it sorted mate. Stay strong for you and the kids.0
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Dbg, you seem like a nice sort of bloke who doesn't want to hurt too many people and appears not to have done much to deserve the situation you find yourself in.
However, and with respect, she's taking the piss. What do you mean 'you don't know where he lives?'. Find out, it shouldn't be too hard. Why he hell should he get out of any of the hassle? I'd be round there telling him and his missus that he was welcome to her. That should force the issue a little.0 -
You can find out where the man lives if you have his name and a rough idea where he lives, the town is enough. Use 192.com and do a name search a minimal amount of searches will cost less than ten pounds, that should give you where he lives and who he lives with. Then you can do the rightmove search on his house. I had to trace a relative earlier this year, he had died and nobody had told the cornoner to proceed, however they needed confirmation of address as I was not in the UK at the time this was the method I used.
Hope it gets better.0 -
My wife told me last summer that she didn't want to be with me any more. Like dbg we couldn't afford to live in separate houses but my children are younger and there was never any realistic possibility I would get custody, so eventually she got a job and I moved out. Three weeks later someone another man moved in and after a little investigation I discovered that she'd been keeping secrets and lying to me for a long time. There are lots of things I still don't know or understand and I expect it will always be so. Women... (or possibly, that particular woman.)
If I were in your position I think I would give her an ultimatum. Either she ceases all contact with the other man and tries to rebuild her marriage, or she moves out, leaving the daughters with you and making suitable arrangements for them. And tell her that you'll be speaking to the other man's other woman unless she makes a decision she can stick to, with a deadline.
What you must do:
1. Put your children first. Do not lie to them, but also try not to say negative things about your wife - she's still their mother whatever happens between them. Make sure their views and welfare are represented but don't put words into their mouths.
2. Be absolutely business-like in any conversations with your wife. Don't give her any clues as to how you feel. That way she doesn't have any leverage to manipulate you. Absolutely don't do anything rash that will prejudice your chances of a favourable outcome, such as changing the locks or beating up the other man.
3. If she chooses the other man, initiate a divorce immediately. Take the initiative and keep it. Separate your finances as soon as you possibly can and try to reach agreement between you, without having the lawyers fight over it. But you will probably need legal representation to protect your interests, especially given that you want your daughters living with you.
4. Accept that anything she's told you in the past <insert time period here> may well be untrue, especially if it relates to her feelings or her "social life". It's probably worse than you imagined and you may never find out the whole truth. But don't beat yourself up about it. Whatever faults you have, she's the one who chose this path and that isn't your fault.
5. Don't ignore how you feel - find people who will listen while you vent and can be trusted not to stir the pot. But also recognise that emotions aren't always a good guide to what you should do, because feelings change but actions have permanent consequences.
6. As others have suggested, ride your bike.
All the best, dbg.0 -
Once again many thanks for the great advice. Managed to get away walking the coastal path with 3 mates Saturday/Sun they helped get my spirits up and tried to get me off with anything with a pulse!
I know she went out with fancy boy Sat night but I get the impression from the kids it didn't go too well, lots of frantic texting Sunday (she was texting on her 'secret' phone when I pulled up and had to quickly lock herself in the downstairs loo lol!
I know its an impossible situation and course it can't go on forever but for now I'm content to sit it out and wait for the next development, I get the feeling things will start to come to a head soon, something tells me he's not happy with the situation and that may play in my favour (or I'm just going slowly mad) :shock:0 -
I just noticed in your post re; Ireland that you said it felt strange Sleeping alone at night. Does this mean you're still sharing the marital bed? - If so, I'd suggest you knock that on the head ASAP, as you don't want to be sending mixed messages.
Other than that, my only contribution is to wish you all the best and tell you to stay strong & look after yourself!!0 -
I gave our double bed to our eldest daughter, current sleeping arrangements are 2 single mattresses side by side on the floor!0
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I've read this thread with interest. DBG I think you've got to sit down with your wife and try to sort this out and give her an ultimatum. You cannot carry on like this. I appreciate you have two children mixed up in this which must be very difficult for both you and them. It sounds like your wife is acting like a lovesick teenager over this new man in her life, then again is it a new man as it could have been carrying on for quite some time?
If I knew my wife was carrying on with another man, let alone texting and speaking to him in your house in front of you, I would not want to see her again. I know it's easy for me to say as my marriage is rock solid, but if it happened she'd be out of the door quicker than you could say 'on your bike'. I couldn't bear the thought of another man kissing or having a sexual relationship with my wife and still live under the same roof as me, let alone more or less be in the same bed as me.
You've got to sort this out quickly for your and your children's sake.
I genuinely wish you all the best of luck.0 -
Same thing happened to me about 3 years ago, she`s still seeing the bloke who lives 4 doors up from me. It bugged me seeing her car but now if it`s there I don`t even notice it
The sooner she`s out of the door and away from you the better! It`s quite liberating being your own boss at home!!!!
Best of luck with it all and it will get better in time!My 2012 Cube LTD http://www.bikeradar.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=128035930 -
dbg wrote:current sleeping arrangements are 2 single mattresses side by side on the floor!
I`d be tempted to have an obvious wank under the sheets for a good few nights, that`ll get her out then a silence of the lambs moment!!!! My 2012 Cube LTD http://www.bikeradar.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=128035930 -
For what it's worth, I think that is great advice.ManOfKent wrote:My wife told me last summer that she didn't want to be with me any more. Like dbg we couldn't afford to live in separate houses but my children are younger and there was never any realistic possibility I would get custody, so eventually she got a job and I moved out. Three weeks later someone another man moved in and after a little investigation I discovered that she'd been keeping secrets and lying to me for a long time. There are lots of things I still don't know or understand and I expect it will always be so. Women... (or possibly, that particular woman.)
If I were in your position I think I would give her an ultimatum. Either she ceases all contact with the other man and tries to rebuild her marriage, or she moves out, leaving the daughters with you and making suitable arrangements for them. And tell her that you'll be speaking to the other man's other woman unless she makes a decision she can stick to, with a deadline.
What you must do:
1. Put your children first. Do not lie to them, but also try not to say negative things about your wife - she's still their mother whatever happens between them. Make sure their views and welfare are represented but don't put words into their mouths.
2. Be absolutely business-like in any conversations with your wife. Don't give her any clues as to how you feel. That way she doesn't have any leverage to manipulate you. Absolutely don't do anything rash that will prejudice your chances of a favourable outcome, such as changing the locks or beating up the other man.
3. If she chooses the other man, initiate a divorce immediately. Take the initiative and keep it. Separate your finances as soon as you possibly can and try to reach agreement between you, without having the lawyers fight over it. But you will probably need legal representation to protect your interests, especially given that you want your daughters living with you.
4. Accept that anything she's told you in the past <insert time period here> may well be untrue, especially if it relates to her feelings or her "social life". It's probably worse than you imagined and you may never find out the whole truth. But don't beat yourself up about it. Whatever faults you have, she's the one who chose this path and that isn't your fault.
5. Don't ignore how you feel - find people who will listen while you vent and can be trusted not to stir the pot. But also recognise that emotions aren't always a good guide to what you should do, because feelings change but actions have permanent consequences.
6. As others have suggested, ride your bike.
All the best, dbg.0 -
I echo the post by Smokin Joe above. Excellent advice.
One of the worst things about this situation is feeling like you have no control. You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.
You mention that your wife runs a child-minding business out of the family home. If this is a consideration that is due to be factored into any discussions regarding who stays and who goes it would be worth knowing whether she is actually entitled to run this business out of the family home. Is your home a 'live-work'? Just a thought.
At the end of the day, she made a solemn vow and now she's broken it. Don't beat yourself up. Bad things happen and you have little choice but to swallow them and sh!t them out. You've got one crack at life, as do your kids, so pick yourself up, make some tough, honest, informed decisions and move on to the next chapter.
Good luck to you and the kids.0 -
Easy words when its not you!! I told her to 'stop seeing the other guy while we're still living together or leave' last night, she said 'no. you leave' - that's her mindset. She maintains we're separated (not legally) so its up to her what she can do. My points that it was morally and ethically wrong until we split and creating a terrible atmosphere for the whole family were met with a shrug.You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.
Of course I knew what the response would be but felt better for the ultimatum! My gut instinct is things may start to accelerate with the other guy and they may set up shop together, this would be the best solution all round so for now I'll hang fire.....I think!!!!!0 -
My previous rant was no help I know - but seeing some of the other more 'appropriate' ones has humbled me to say...
Even if you do not act on it get some legal advice so you know what the options are / where you stand etc.
At least then you will be able to make informed decisions if and when they are needed.
Above all else do not stoop to her level (if she is being that way) and remember that you need to have a life even if she has chosen to not include you in hers.
All the best buddy.Yellow is the new Black.0 -
dbg wrote:
Easy words when its not you!! I told her to 'stop seeing the other guy while we're still living together or leave' last night, she said 'no. you leave' - that's her mindset. She maintains we're separated (not legally) so its up to her what she can do. My points that it was morally and ethically wrong until we split and creating a terrible atmosphere for the whole family were met with a shrug.You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.
Of course I knew what the response would be but felt better for the ultimatum! My gut instinct is things may start to accelerate with the other guy and they may set up shop together, this would be the best solution all round so for now I'll hang fire.....I think!!!!!
Absolutely agree - it's easy typing advice but another thing entirely when it's your life. Obviously take my advice with a pinch of salt as none of us are walking around in your shoes.
One benefit to all of this 'advice' though is that we, the responders, aren't encumbered with the emotional turmoil you are feeling and can give you straight up, (somewhat) impartial advice...
Please go and speak to a lawyer, preferably a good local one specialising in family law. You don't have to act on anything but I would suggest that you need to inform and protect yourself.
If the shoe was on the other foot and you were banging your secretary / waitress / etc then you can be sure that you would be out on your @rse living in some rented dump.0 -
A solicitor chat is a very good idea, they can advise you away from making very expensive mistakes, mine saved me £15k from my pension pot! It`s a case of damage limitation until everything is sorted.
Just let her get on with it and start to plan what you need to do for a new life.
Good luck!!My 2012 Cube LTD http://www.bikeradar.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=128035930 -
dbg wrote:
Easy words when its not you!! I told her to 'stop seeing the other guy while we're still living together or leave' last night, she said 'no. you leave' - that's her mindset. She maintains we're separated (not legally) so its up to her what she can do. My points that it was morally and ethically wrong until we split and creating a terrible atmosphere for the whole family were met with a shrug.You can take the initiative and empower yourself by taking legal advice immediately and acting on it.
Of course I knew what the response would be but felt better for the ultimatum! My gut instinct is things may start to accelerate with the other guy and they may set up shop together, this would be the best solution all round so for now I'll hang fire.....I think!!!!!
I really think you need to fight your corner more. She's got all the comforts of home, for which you're paying half, if not more and she's free to go and shag the new chap while you're left holding the baby (so to speak).
The more you tolerate this the weaker she'll see you as being and treat you like the doormat you seem to be.
If this sounds harsh, then sorry, but you're making a rod for your own back by letting this continue.
I'd change the locks and tell her him or me. O simply don't believe that if it was you sleeping with a 3rd party that your wife would be so accomodating. If she's to continue to live there, then she's got to pay half of everything, unless you willing to pay for her to sleep around. This won't be popular (with her or with most of the forum) but she's got to face up to the consequences of her actions and that they will most probably result in the two of you living apart. Then you'll (and hopefully her) will see just how serious or not matey boy is. As others have said, I am sure he's happy to have an affair but I'd lay good money on him not ending his own relationship to settle down with your wife.
I doubt that this will end well, and prolonging things will only result in you suffering for longer.
Far better, in my opinion, for the children to suffer a short upheaval now and then settle down than a protracted war of attrition while this drags on for months.0
