Missus has a got a new bloke

Frank the tank

I don't know as I'd be too keen to go on holiday with the kids leaving her in the house while I was away for x amount of time.

I'd be more inclined to tell her to fcuk off on holiday with the children leaving me in the house, know what I mean.

Be strong fella and all the best.

daviesee

Frank the tank wrote:

I don't know as I'd be too keen to go on holiday with the kids leaving her in the house while I was away for x amount of time.

I'd be more inclined to tell her to fcuk off on holiday with the children leaving me in the house, know what I mean.

Be strong fella and all the best.

Fair point. Harsh. But has to be considered.

verylonglegs

Fastlad wrote:

OF COURSE she's slept with him. I hate when women lie (and they all do) about their "flirtations." She's in love with someone else FFS. Helllooooo!!!! In love= happiness, feelings of joy....oh and nookie at every chance!!! Lets all be realistic here and not fool ourselves!!

Well I'm sure he's considered her claim but I was kind of planting the seed in his mind and being gentle rather than screaming it into his face from point blank!

Cleat Eastwood

I'd fukk her right off. Do you reckon that other fella is n hols on his own -is he feck- he's stringing her along and she knows this at some level which is why she doesnt want to quit the nest immediately - feck her off - look after your owns needs for once - the best thing you can do in my opinion is teach her the hard lesson of how to grow up - seems you've already done that - and friend there are women out there would long to be with someone like you who put his kids first - just stay away from C Balding.

MattC59

Sh*t situation, you have my sympathies !

I was in a similar situation some years ago (minus the kids). Sit tight, I know it can be an uncomfortable situation to be in, but if you move out you'll start to lose out.

Fastlad

verylonglegs wrote:

Fastlad wrote:

OF COURSE she's slept with him. I hate when women lie (and they all do) about their "flirtations." She's in love with someone else FFS. Helllooooo!!!! In love= happiness, feelings of joy....oh and nookie at every chance!!! Lets all be realistic here and not fool ourselves!!

Well I'm sure he's considered her claim but I was kind of planting the seed in his mind and being gentle rather than screaming it into his face from point blank!

Yeah, i hear you mate but this ain't no time for subtlety. The man's hurting and not thinking straight (i'm sorry!!!)

Gabbo

You needn't worry, seriously! Easier said than done but just keep composed and provide your children with the best support possible. Unless the property is in your name, I can't see a reason why you'd be force to move out. You've not put a foot wrong and therefore deserve to keep what you've got, including the kids.

Her focus at present should be on raising the children, not pursuing a new love life. Unfortunately these are the commitments she has made. As I have said, you've not put a foot wrong. Keep on being yourself and if she wants to separate completely then show her the door. And as someone has previously mentioned, avoid arguing at all costs. It is certainly a recipe for disaster and may not do you favours in the long run.

All the best pal!

random man

Having been in a similar position myself many years ago I really feel for you. The sad fact, though, is that, no matter how much you love your kids as a father, they almost always stay with the mother. It could be different in this case, given their ages but unlikely.
The main thing is that you maintain as much contact with your girls as possible, they will respect you more for that than trying to force their mother away.

Head up mate, all the best.

MattC59

It may seem a little clinical, but get yourself a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Let her file the petition for divorce (assuming it's heading that way) then she'll carry most of that cost. When ever you have to make a decision, sleep on it first !

rozzer32

Follow cleats advice, he knows what he is doing.

Make her go on holiday with the kids! You'll come back to different locks on the doors. Plus she already has some of her stuff packed, pack the rest of her crap while she's away and tell her to do one.

alihisgreat

MattC59 wrote:

It may seem a little clinical, but get yourself a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Let her file the petition for divorce (assuming it's heading that way) then she'll carry most of that cost. When ever you have to make a decision, sleep on it first !

This would be my first thought.. see where you legally stand on the house, kids etc. Just get some advice.

dbg

Well she's gone to bed and we ain't killed each other so I suppose that's a bonus.
We've come to an agreement - I won't contact the new guy again and she has agreed to me buying her out of the house. She'll take her share and buy/rent another house in which she can continue her childminding business. She's decided she is not coming to Ireland, she was most concerned about lover boy doing a runner after I contacted him, not about the kids living with me, she must have it really bad. I'm left feeling relieved and sad at the same time, I love my house but it will be strange without her in it, and getting the school uniforms ready everyday will be hard! Think I've got some tough times ahead with 2 teenage girls to bring up

rozzer32

Well that's a positive.

Yea it will be hard but so what, you'll have a brilliant life with your kids. But when she comes running back after its all gone tits up with her new fella do the decent thing and tell her to feck off.

Gabbo

dbg wrote:

Well she's gone to bed and we ain't killed each other so I suppose that's a bonus.
We've come to an agreement - I won't contact the new guy again and she has agreed to me buying her out of the house. She'll take her share and buy/rent another house in which she can continue her childminding business. She's decided she is not coming to Ireland, she was most concerned about lover boy doing a runner after I contacted him, not about the kids living with me, she must have it really bad. I'm left feeling relieved and sad at the same time, I love my house but it will be strange without her in it, and getting the school uniforms ready everyday will be hard! Think I've got some tough times ahead with 2 teenage girls to bring up

So she has decided to pursue a life with lover boy than to continue raising her two young daughters? That says a lot! Honestly, you are doing the right thing. Don't feel too guilty for her, she's making these decisions not you!

Velonutter

Hope it works out for you mate, never been in that situation and hope I never am, 28 years nearly through good and bad, could have strangled her sometimes and I bet you that the thought of slipping me something in my drink has occurred to her, so I can pretend to know what you are going through, but I truly wish you the best of luck.

dbg

Update: She now realises she can't leave the kids and doesn't see why she should have to. She maintains she is just very good friends with matey boy and we would have split regardless of him. She says she has no intention of living with him nor he with her and I've read too much into it.
So in this weird game of chess we are back to stalemate.

Frank the tank

YEAH! and I've just been signed up by team sky :!: :roll:

Fastlad

That's more bullshoot! I totally sympathise with you. You're wasting your life talking to her. Quicker she moves out, the better.

daviesee

dbg wrote:

Update: She now realises she can't leave the kids and doesn't see why she should have to. She maintains she is just very good friends with matey boy and we would have split regardless of him. She says she has no intention of living with him nor he with her and I've read too much into it.
So in this weird game of chess we are back to stalemate.

...and the gamesmanship and strategies begin....
Be strong and untrusting. Contact a lawyer. You have my sympathies.

Bobbinogs

daviesee wrote:

Be strong and untrusting. Contact a lawyer.

What he said. Best of luck mate (but you make your own luck with a good lawyer).

dbg

Everyone says get a good lawyer but how is that going to help? Ultimately if it went to court what judge would give me custody - she would argue that leaving the home would lose her job and being a childminder suggests she's good with kids! I'm pretty sure I'd just be pouring good money into greedy lawyers hands and despite what I may have intimated here she is not a malicious person who would 'go after me' (I don't think!)
She just needs to understand how much its going to cost her to bring up 2 kids on her jack and run a 3 bed detached home on a fairly poor wage (I've always done the finances and she honestly doesn't have a clue). Only then will she realise the maths don't work.

daviesee

dbg wrote:

Everyone says get a good lawyer but how is that going to help? 1. Ultimately if it went to court what judge would give me custody - 2. she would argue that leaving the home would lose her job and being a childminder suggests she's good with kids! I'm pretty sure I'd just be pouring good money into greedy lawyers hands and 3. despite what I may have intimated here she is not a malicious person who would 'go after me' (I don't think!)
She just needs to understand how much its going to cost her to bring up 2 kids on her jack and run a 3 bed detached home on a fairly poor wage (I've always done the finances and she honestly doesn't have a clue). 4. Only then will she realise the maths don't work.

1. Why?
2. Indicates she will get the house and the children. You get to pay the maintenance.
3. Not yet. Once it gets down to who gets what/who pays what, things change.
4. The maths don't work - For you.

You need to concentrate on 3 things.

1. Keeping the love and respect of your daughters. Being nasty to the wife won't help here. Being honest and open will.
2. Trying to get out of this without being bankrupt. A real possibility. That's why you need a lawyer.
3. Maintaining a little dignity at least.

dbg

Food for thought!

Gazzaputt

I wouldn't jump in with solicitors unless it gets real messy. They'll bleed you dry all they see is £s and don't have your best interests.

Once I found my ex had done the dirty I sold the house gave her all the cash (was in my name) and fixtures and started again.

By doing that wasn't any real need for all the legal stuff just a legal signing the all the assets over.

Just watch out for the CSA they are real b'stards.

For me if this fella is on hols with his wife you missus is in for a big fall. I will say they do say they haven't done dirty but they have that is where it all starts.

I'm married again older and wiser and very very happy. Hopefully the other half is to!

dbg

Selling the house is not an option as I have no intention of the kids having to move - they are well settled. Ultimately it just feels like I'm delaying the inevitable and will have to leave even though the thought breaks my heart

rozzer32

It's not inevitable! Why are you giving up?

You say selling the house isn't an option and the kids are settled and you also say the kids want to live with you. What the kids want is a big part of this and they have to be put first. If they want to live with you and moving is not an option then get her to move out. She's the one who wants the divorce and no matter what she says she has been sleeping with this other guy. If you move out how long do you think it will be before this new fella moves in?

As has been said before I'd get a solicitor involved asap

alistaird

Some interesting comments here... IMHO take an amount of time and think things through. Try not to be too rash. It does no harm in contacting a solicitor for an initial discussion (which may well be FOC.) Having been through 1 breakup (no kids fortunately) it is never easy, just try not to do anything too rash.

Good luck.

A

random man

dbg wrote:

Selling the house is not an option as I have no intention of the kids having to move - they are well settled. Ultimately it just feels like I'm delaying the inevitable and will have to leave even though the thought breaks my heart

She doesn't seem to realise the implications of you splitting up at the moment. Have you put it to her that you may well have to sell the house so that one of you can buy somewhere smaller and cheaper as a family home, while the other one has enough money to get a place big enough for the girls to stay over?
Once reality hits, things may change. In the meantime, you've got no need to do anything other than try and carry on as normal a life as possible.
Put the ball in her court, it's her decision, after all.

Frank the tank

If the situation is unredeemable remember she'll be entitled to stuff like half of your pension pot for the time you've been together and vice versa. Things like that are why you need good divorce legal representation.

I've never gone through one myself (thankfully) but I know many that have and they all start out saying "we'll be fair" but nearlly all have ended in acrimony and sh1t slinging. I suppose it's the nature of things. It always appears the odds seem stacked in favour of the woman usually regardless of who was culpable for the failure of the marriage.

FWIW my advice is listen to those who have been through this particular mill fella.

-spider-

dbg wrote:

Well she's gone to bed and we ain't killed each other so I suppose that's a bonus.
We've come to an agreement - I won't contact the new guy again and she has agreed to me buying her out of the house. She'll take her share and buy/rent another house in which she can continue her childminding business. She's decided she is not coming to Ireland, she was most concerned about lover boy doing a runner after I contacted him, not about the kids living with me, she must have it really bad. I'm left feeling relieved and sad at the same time, I love my house but it will be strange without her in it, and getting the school uniforms ready everyday will be hard! Think I've got some tough times ahead with 2 teenage girls to bring up

Sh!t situation you are in dbg - but don't worry too much about the kids. Although my situation is very different, I am a single dad with two kids (11 and 14) after my wife died last Christmas. We all thought it was going to be really difficult but it is nowhere near as bad as you imagine. Sure, things aren't easy but then that's part of life and we just need to deal with it. Kids are very resilient and, in my case, have really stepped up to the mark. I'm sure yours will too.

Talk to the kids about all three of you supporting each other and listen to (and act on where possible) what they have to say. They need to have a lot of control over what is happening to them - it helps them cope. It is the future for all three of you you need to work on. Don't dwell on how things were in the past - and the kids can get their own uniforms ready (mine do) although you might need to do the washing and ironing.

Best of luck - my thoughts are with you.

Oh, and ride the bike - It really helps!