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The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2021 **SPOILERS**

Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
edited 23 June in Pro race
It's with sadness and regret that, with five years of writing the daily summaries under my belt, I've taken the decision to continue doing so.

Sorry everyone.

The Lanterne Rouge is the party at the back of the peloton's mullet, and by this logic is now championed solely by hipsters and rednecks beyond the reach of fashion. So whilst I put down my banjo and prepare to tuck into a bowl of ironic cereal, why not prepare yourself for the feast ahead by reminding yourselves of previous competitions?

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  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    Looking back at last year's nonsense, btw, I see that this particular throwaway comment caused reality to reassert itself in the Giro. Sorry, Geraint.

    He never learnt their names: they were all Thomases to him until they either earned his respect or, more likely, found their campaign ending in some ludicrous accident. It must be something about how keen they were. The latest one had avoided both fates by being transferred to the Italian campaign.
  • andypandyp Posts: 8,576
    I actually laughed out loud at your introduction. Excellent start.
  • Best news and the only thread to follow...good on you, L.R.!
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,003
    If one of those links to earlier years isn't a Rick Roll I'm going to be severely disappointed.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255

    If one of those links to earlier years isn't a Rick Roll I'm going to be severely disappointed.

    Most of them were copied from the ones you'd added last year, so you only have yourself to blame if not.
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,003

    If one of those links to earlier years isn't a Rick Roll I'm going to be severely disappointed.

    Most of them were copied from the ones you'd added last year, so you only have yourself to blame if not.
    Yeah, but my lack of commitment to silly comedy is why you're stuck doing the threads and not me.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,959
    edited 23 June

    If one of those links to earlier years isn't a Rick Roll I'm going to be severely disappointed.

    Most of them were copied from the ones you'd added last year, so you only have yourself to blame if not.
    Yeah, but my lack of commitment to silly comedy is why you're stuck doing the threads and not me.
    It's a labour of love*, maybe a form of penance, perhaps Lanterne Rouge is Sisyphus reincarnated in contemporary form.
    There's metaphor in there but i've tried and i've tried and well, I just can't find any.

    *Herge became tortured by his creation, this thing that became bigger than him, that required huge commitment and work. This became most apparent during the war when the Krauts had taken over publication of Le Vingtieme siecle and he drew caricatures of himself being beaten or whipped by either Tintin or the lieutenant in command - interestingly caricatured right under his nose as the evil Muller.

    Anyhow, apart from the ghost of Marlon Brando, who are the contenders LL?


    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,003
    The contenders...
    As usual, look for workhorses on sprint teams that will be expected to work early on in stages. There's little opportunity in the mountains to steal time on a grupetto riding to the limit of the time cut.
    The first week, with its uphill finishes with no 3km rule means the rouleurs on the GC teams will be hard at work keeping their leaders at the wrong end of the race in the finishes, so don't get too tempted by Luke Rowe, who's had decent finishes.
    All contenders will be hoping for wind caused splits early on, and getting on the right side of them.
    With early gc looking like Alaphilippe /MvdP i think we could see a couple of riders from their teams doing half a day's work then knocking off to hide in a bush.
    Elsewhere in the peloton, the stage hunters and wildcard teams will be looking to drop a few minutes to be allowed into breaks later. Obviously there's a risk the breaks may fail to be caught, much will depend on whether e.g. Roglic wants to try and rack up bonus seconds again - Ineos have shown they're happy to let 20 blokes go up the road and accidentally gain five minutes.
    Lastly there are the random lucky riders who roll the dice on a week 1 crash that loses them time and gains them a sicknote from the team dr, but doesn't put them out of the race. It's a risky tactic and dangerous, getting the right level of injury to keep the DS off your back but still being able to complete three weeks is a very tricky balance, and you'll have to suffer for your prize.

    I'll try and post some actual names when I've had a chance to look at the startlist :smiley:
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,959

    The contenders...
    As usual, look for workhorses on sprint teams that will be expected to work early on in stages. There's little opportunity in the mountains to steal time on a grupetto riding to the limit of the time cut.
    The first week, with its uphill finishes with no 3km rule means the rouleurs on the GC teams will be hard at work keeping their leaders at the wrong end of the race in the finishes, so don't get too tempted by Luke Rowe, who's had decent finishes.
    All contenders will be hoping for wind caused splits early on, and getting on the right side of them.
    With early gc looking like Alaphilippe /MvdP i think we could see a couple of riders from their teams doing half a day's work then knocking off to hide in a bush.
    Elsewhere in the peloton, the stage hunters and wildcard teams will be looking to drop a few minutes to be allowed into breaks later. Obviously there's a risk the breaks may fail to be caught, much will depend on whether e.g. Roglic wants to try and rack up bonus seconds again - Ineos have shown they're happy to let 20 blokes go up the road and accidentally gain five minutes.
    Lastly there are the random lucky riders who roll the dice on a week 1 crash that loses them time and gains them a sicknote from the team dr, but doesn't put them out of the race. It's a risky tactic and dangerous, getting the right level of injury to keep the DS off your back but still being able to complete three weeks is a very tricky balance, and you'll have to suffer for your prize.

    That was all a bit complicated. My head hurts.
    I should not have resisted the urge to fall asleep half way through reading that missive.

    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    edited 24 June
    OK, a quick list of riders to watch out for (and now I've tipped them, probably in mid-table obscurity)

    Roger Kluge

    The defending champion and part of a heavy-weight Lotto-Soudal team that features three of last year's top five, Kluge astonished fans last year with a performance that seemed from another age - his gap of over six hours to Pogacar was allegedly the greatest since 1952. To put that in context, if the stages were held back to back Pogacar could have sat back and watched four football matches or three DUP leaderships before Kluge arrived. The only fly in Lotto Soudal's ointment is the number of "flat" stages in this year's Tour - last year's domination was based on Caleb Ewan's complete lack of chances, and they'll struggle to find as many ways to slip off the back unnoticed by their DS this year.

    Tim Declerq

    Nicknamed "El Tractor" because the peloton is frequently stuck behind him on country roads, Declerq is the very model of an LR contender - expected to put in long shifts for Alaphilippe and Cavendish, he should be nicely cooked by the end of the first week. After Bennett disappointed last year with chasing green, Cavendish has earnt the nod for his climbing ability and laser-like focus on finishing either first or one hundred and fiftieth, meaning there are likely to be "sprint" days when Declerq can take time over his rival diesels.

    Luke Rowe

    The only other previous winner in this year's peloton, Rowe consistently places towards the lower end of the timings but doesn't have the support from the team he deserves - the days when (as SKy) they hired the likes of Cavendish to provide a reason to drop off the back are long since gone and Rowe is now essentially a token LR candidate who is expected to surf wheels as best he can.

    Amund Grøndahl Jansen

    Jansen has a decent record in the Tour, finishing 139th, 140th and (disappointingly) 128th, and this might be the year he finally steps up to the big leagues. A strategic injury early in the tour, or just a suspicious cough that encourages the peloton to get as far away from him as possible, might be enough to make the difference for a man whose speciality is listed on Wikipedia as "rider". That's the sort of cutting-edge insight I aspire to.

    Mark Cavendish / Chris Froome

    The sentimental choices - both surprising picks for the Tour, one with exactly the climbing abilities required for a tilt at the LR and one who has shown an amazing resurgence when we thought he'd long since lost the ability to watch the peloton sail off into the distance. In truth neither are likely to bother the rankings, but what a story it would be if either of them could seal their careers with the big win that's eluded them...
  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,959
    edited 24 June
    I presume that Frison has been excluded preferring Kluge given his proven ability and one team leader is enough, in a Lemond/Hinault, Wiggins/Froome, My sister/MIL sort of way.

    Personally, i'm backing Froome. He's proven this year to be able to slip off front at the first mention of the word 'gradient'. He's finally seen the light and has got his priorities right.
    Assisting him will be the new rules that prevent him being slippy in the air and he'll have every reason to stop to put a Gilet on.
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • ddraverddraver Posts: 22,641
    edited 24 June
    Is last year's housewife's* favourite, Jerome's Cousin not riding this year?

    I's have thought he would want to vanquish the demons from his sudden demise.

    * (ours)
    We're in danger of confusing passion with incompetence
    - @ddraver
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    ddraver said:

    Is last year's housewife's* favourite, Jerome's Cousin not riding this year?

    I's have thought he would want to vanquish the demons from his sudden demise.

    * (ours)

    No, sadly - with his season so far comprising 131st at the Tour of Provence and two DNFs he'd be a raging favourite, but inexplicably his team don't have faith in his form.
  • ProssPross Posts: 28,252
    Froome could presumably target being the first person to win the yellow jersey and the red light? Not sure he has it in him though, he needs the Marsellus Wallace 'pride' speech reading to him.
  • cygnetcygnet Posts: 91
    Pross said:

    Froome could presumably target being the first person to win the yellow jersey and the red light? Not sure he has it in him though, he needs the Marsellus Wallace 'pride' speech reading to him.

    Thomas came so close to this but sadly on his debut he was beaten by the vastly more experienced Vansevenant. The past few years his early promise has really dropped away.
    _____________________
    I'm part of the association!
  • bm5bm5 Posts: 218
    Vansevenant really outclassed him though- 6 minutes takes some effort
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    edited 26 June
    "It was really unfair of sadistic games mistress Ms Prudhomme to poke us out of bed so early this morning," complained Lizzie.

    "And with a literal stick too!" added Grace. "It was beastly of her!"

    "It's a traditional thing around here," said Marianne, who was wiser and older than the others. "They call them 'Brittany Spears'."

    "Are we really going to have to put up with these terrible puns for the next three weeks?" asked Anna, wearily.

    "Well we won't," retorted Katarzyna, who had spent the summer holidays reading up on dialectical feminism and the bourgeois assumptions of traditional educational establishments, at least until her horrified mother threatened to take her pony away. "It's time to seize the means of production!"

    There was a pause whilst the girls considered this.

    "As schoolgirls," Lizzie eventually said. "Do any of us actually produce anything?"

    "I did some maths homework once, I think," said Grace. "I'm not sure it'll bring about a glorious revolution though."

    "Hmmph hmm-hmpph mmmm mm-mm hmpple-mm!" added Ceclie, who had been wrapped up in several duvets and left in the wardrobe for the sake of everyone else's nerves.

    "Anyway, what has Ms Prudhomme put on today's timetable?" said Anna, changing the subject rapidly. She had already noticed several of the girls eyeing up her new jumper that she had brought back from her Italian holiday and didn't fancy her chances of keeping it if it turned into a class struggle.

    "Apparently we're doing a bike ride today," said Marianne. "It's a shame Elisa and Annemiek aren't here - they love a bike ride. Where are they anyway?"

    "Elisa's gone to Italy" said Lizzie. "She said something about sleeping with fishes, so maybe she's off to the seaside?"

    "And Annemiek's too busy packing for our Japanese trip," Grace added. "Apparently she's taking it very seriously."

    "Ah, said Katarzyna. "The Land of the Hitachi Wand."

    "Katie," said Marianne sharply. "I'm absolutely certain that's not what it was called in our geography lessons..."


    from The Girls of Pedally Towers by Beryl Blyton


    Yes, it's time for the biggest challenge on the cycling calendar - finding out what the hell happened in La Course, a race whose organisers traditionally post the results to a remote Tibetan monastery whose initiates try to forget everything they've ever learnt, and who speak only nonsense in the hope that enlightenment suddenly and spontaneously emerges unbidden. And I note a very similar thing is audible on Eurosport as I write...

    The race for the LR Féminin was inexplicably ignored by the cameras - they really need to do something to improve the coverage - but a largeish group managed to get off the back to contest the win. The trophy was ultimately taken by Karlijn Swinkels, leaving Maaike Boogaard with nothing except the wearying task of stopping the vowel keys on her keyboard sticking.

    Next year there's suggestions that there will be a proper TdF Femmes - if so I promise I'll do a proper report each day, in the meantime congratulations to Swinkels for taking her first major trophy.

    Top of the class:

    91
    BENITO Mireia Massi - Tactic Women Team 12:44
    92
    GUTIÉRREZ Sheyla Movistar Team ,,
    93
    NOSKOVÁ Nikola SD Worx ,,
    94
    MARTURANO Greta Top Girls Fassa Bortolo ,,
    95
    RICHIOUD Greta Team Arkéa ,,
    96
    VETTORELLO Giorgia Top Girls Fassa Bortolo ,,
    97
    RÜEGG Noemi Stade Rochelais Charente-Maritime Women Cycling ,,
    98
    CHRISTMAS Dani Drops - Le Col s/b TEMPUR. ,,
    99
    ASENCIO Laura Ceratizit-WNT Pro Cycling ,,
    100
    SPEROTTO Maria Vittoria A.R. Monex Women's Pro Cycling Team ,,
    101
    BOOGAARD Maaike Alé BTC Ljubljana ,,
    102
    SWINKELS Karlijn Team Jumbo-Visma Women ,,
  • ProssPross Posts: 28,252
    A few riders will have taken an unexpected chance to gain time today. Tony Martin could be making an early, unexpected move if the race doctors don't cotton on and take action.
  • blazing_saddlesblazing_saddles Posts: 17,909
    bm5 said:

    Vansevenant really outclassed him though- 6 minutes takes some effort

    Vansevenant was 3 time champion in consecutive tours, which shows he knew how to make a race winning move.
    Sadly his son is but a shadow of the rider his dad was, as he can usually be found at the other end of a race.
    "Science is a tool for cheaters". An anonymous French PE teacher.
  • ProssPross Posts: 28,252
    edited 26 June
    The new concussion rules are making the early crash tactic even more risky than it used to be.

    Edit - not that this stopped record numbers making an early bid for glory using it today
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    edited 26 June
    Well what an opening day that was.

    Part of the joy of the Lanterne Rouge is discovering riders you've never heard of, yet here we are with the likes of Chris Froome, Mads Pedersen, Marc Hirschi and Marc Soler breaking straight into the top ten alongside long term favourites Retro Hollenstein and cycling tribute band Rick Zabel.

    Thanks to two massive crashes the peloton arrived today in bits and pieces, and some were in more pieces than others. The first crash was kicked off by a manic street creature waving their stray sign for strife, the second a mere touch of wheels that led to bikes flying out of a cloud of dust in the style of a classic cartoon scrap in the Beano, whilst the largely unaffected Ineos and DQS looked at each other and wondered who'd cop most bottles of piss if they dared push on.

    There's obviously some doubt about the continued participation of some of the riders currently in the top ten - to finish last, first you have to last - but there's a good chance that some of the riders below have picked up the sort of injury that excuses them from any attempt at finishing with the front group but that isn't serious enough to jeopardise their participation in the tour.

    This year's parcours, with relatively few big mountain stages, might well ensure that more people scrape through than usual - unless that is they continue to scrape tarmac at today's rate.

    Ride of the day though came from Marc Soler, whose opening time gap is the best first day effort since the start of Procycling Stats records. Plenty of people were tipping him to do something in this year's tour, but few of them can have expected this sort of performance when they did...

    Underall:


    171 CHRIS FROOME 171 31 ISRAEL START-UP NATION 04h 53' 42'' + 00h 14' 37'' - -
    172 OMER GOLDSTEIN 172 33 ISRAEL START-UP NATION 04h 53' 42'' + 00h 14' 37'' - -
    173 MADS PEDERSEN 173 45 TREK - SEGAFREDO 04h 53' 42'' + 00h 14' 37'' - -
    174 RETO HOLLENSTEIN 174 35 ISRAEL START-UP NATION 04h 53' 42'' + 00h 14' 37'' - -
    175 RICK ZABEL 175 38 ISRAEL START-UP NATION 04h 55' 34'' + 00h 16' 29'' - -
    176 TONY MARTIN 176 16 JUMBO - VISMA 04h 55' 34'' + 00h 16' 29'' - -
    177 SEPP KUSS 177 15 JUMBO - VISMA 04h 55' 34'' + 00h 16' 29'' - -
    178 MIKE TEUNISSEN 178 17 JUMBO - VISMA 04h 55' 34'' + 00h 16' 29'' - -
    179 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 179 175 TEAM BIKEEXCHANGE 04h 55' 34'' + 00h 16' 29'' - -
    180 MARC HIRSCHI 180 5 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04h 57' 14'' + 00h 18' 09'' - -
    181 MARC SOLER 181 66 MOVISTAR TEAM 05h 03' 43'' + 00h 24' 38'' - -
  • ProssPross Posts: 28,252
    You have to salute Jumbo Visma's committment to the team award after being at completely the wrong end of the field last year. ISN making a good bid to but several of their riders failed to hold the wheels of Rick Zabel losing 2 minutes in the process.
  • blazing_saddlesblazing_saddles Posts: 17,909
    Soler's moment in the Sun lasted about as long as it usually takes for a cloud to completely cover it in Wales.

    I refer to the stage thread:
    RichN95. said:

    Marc Soler is out of the race

    "Science is a tool for cheaters". An anonymous French PE teacher.
  • above_the_cowsabove_the_cows Posts: 11,274
    Poor showing from my man Cav.
    Correlation is not causation.
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255

    Poor showing from my man Cav.

    It's a marathon, not a sprint...

    (tbh I'd just be glad he was hanging with the rest of DQS at the front rather than pretty much anywhere else on today's stage - he rolled in with Declerq and Morkov, so must have been somewhere near them when they dropped off - a good sign for surviving later in the race?)
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,003
    Are we sure Hirschi won't be DQed for blatantly reviving the old tactic of hiding in a bush?


    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    edited 26 June
    I love the Hirschi photos from today. They're like something you'd get if only the pre-Raphaelites had put their collective energies into covering professional sport instead of trying to get into Lizzie Siddal's pants.
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,003
    Let's just hope his tour isn't like Ophelia, dead in the water
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • bm5bm5 Posts: 218
    We need to see more effort from the pro teams to justify their invitations. World tour left them with poor placings today
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,255
    Pross said:

    You have to salute Jumbo Visma's committment to the team award after being at completely the wrong end of the field last year. ISN making a good bid to but several of their riders failed to hold the wheels of Rick Zabel losing 2 minutes in the process.

    Ironically they're currently leading the team rankings, despite everything...
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