The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2020 **SPOILERS**

Lanterne_Rogue

Yeah, Frison and Kluge both taking heavy time trial bikes the whole way up.

#MarginalGains

No_Ta_Doctor

Marco Haller with a great ride, now sitting in the cold seat. Not sure it wil be beaten easily, and took a minute out of Ewan's lead. Could well make the podium tomorrow if Caleb forgets his duties and finds himself at the wrong end of the race.

blazing_saddles

Kevin Reza has made a seriously impressive bid to take the stage, putting three quarters of a minute onto Haller's time.
That's right on the OT wire if time estimates for those slackers going for the GC are correct.

Lanterne_Rogue

Was thinking about tomorrow. Isn't the official timing taken at 3km on the Champs?

Bad news for Kluge if he's a little short of beating Cheng's deficit, as he'll be on train duty and unable to slip off the back.

No_Ta_Doctor

Cant remember exactly where the official time is taken, think they've farted about with that when it's been wet

Mad_Malx

To my shame I haven’t looked at this thread until today, and have just spent a happy few hours in awe of LR’s genius. Great work from the domestiques too.

Do I have to go through previous years now too?

No_Ta_Doctor

Mad_Malx said:

To my shame I haven’t looked at this thread until today, and have just spent a happy few hours in awe of LR’s genius. Great work from the domestiques too.

Do I have to go through previous years now too?

Well it's that or watch a TT.

Mad_Malx

Happily I didn’t take this advice.
Will savour the past years in the off-season.

Pross

Unexpected last gasp attempt at winning by an unexpected contender but that was never going to work. You have to take this race seriously rather than leaving it to the penultimate day like a husband doing their Christmas shopping.

specialgueststar

Going to remember this tour for a long time. All about the time. Frison misses out on 6 hours by 26 seconds whilst Kluge crashes through it like a mountain in a wind tunnel

Lanterne_Rogue

Against my wife's will to La Planche des Belles Filles, and finding no Belles Filles apparent did amuse myself with observing the cycling instead. Mr P Roglič appeared most unamused with the result upon the chronometer as he had not well acted his part. Mr T Pogacar I perceive had more success and will be clothed in yellow in Paris, which pleases my wife greatly for she has some affection for the young Slovene.

Here we saw also many fine men of the peloton, and I never saw Sir R Porte look so well nor so few bizarre accidents occurring to vex and frustrate him. Indeed a great many were driven to wonder at this change in his fortunes. Mr N Boulting informs me his wife has just delivered a child, and perhaps his improved circumstances are just relief that he is in France and not cleaning baby poo off a cream carpet, which I too would be well glad of.

The cycling being concluded, by and by came a great excitement as Herr Kluge of Germany was awarded with a red lantern, which is considered a great honour in these parts, and people announced they had been waiting these six hours to see his greatness.

To our hotel for supper, where my wife scolded me for noting most appreciatively the serving maids, and the ITV highlights, which I have not seen in a long while, and thus we avoided the company of Mr Kirby, who is a foolish prattling wretch, and for that I am thankful.

And so to bed.

Sammy B's Diary by Samuel Bepys.

And so to the plank of the pretty ladies for the denouement of this year's race, albeit the main fascination in the premier competition was whether Kluge could seal his success by crashing through the six hour barrier.

In the event Kluge rode an almost perfect positive split, being 44th at the first checkpoint, 60th at the second, 79th at the third and 92nd at the finish. This might seem unimpressive, but being first rider on the road leads to a certain conservatism in tactics as there's no information on the time needed to avoid being HD at the end. In the event it looks like Kluge's team weren't the only ones to have badly over-estimated the form of Roglič and played it a little too cautiously, however he ploughed through the six hour mark and comfortably exceed Cheng's modern era record of 6h 02' 24" - assuming, of course, that Porte's deficit of good luck doesn't repay itself all at once and somehow wipe out the top two on GC on the run to Paris.

Elsewhere Marc O'Haller gave it a bit of a dig but not enough to dislodge Caleb Ewan, who capitalised on the ability to change bikes by waiting on the opposite side of the road to his team car and then - by the looks of it - swapping to a bike that didn't actually make him go any faster. That's a minute gained right there, and shows the importance of reconnoitring these stages properly. Sam Bennett also recovered from the shock of not following Peter Sagan's backside all over the course to make up an extra place, the big loser being the greatest cavalier, Maxime Chevalier.

The ride of the day though came from Jack Bauer, who Wikipedia informs me is a counter terrorist specialist whose life happens in real time, which rather begs the question as to how quickly it passes for the rest of us. Possibly not quickly enough for Roglič right now, I should imagine.

Join us tomorrow for the traditional champagne-fuelled club run to Paris, where Lotto Soudal are expected to celebrate their success by trying to pinch a cheeky stage win.

Primož Roglič:

137 NIV Guy Israel Start-Up Nation 32.760 10:23
138 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 32.580 10:45
139 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 32.580 ,,
140 QUINTANA Dayer Team Arkéa Samsic 32.547 10:49
141 ROJAS José Joaquín Movistar Team 32.539 10:50
142 MEZGEC Luka Mitchelton-Scott 32.466 10:59
143 ARNDT Nikias Team Sunweb 32.426 11:04
144 BENNETT George Team Jumbo-Visma 32.410 11:06
145 REZA Kévin B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 32.241 11:27
146 BAUER Jack Mitchelton-Scott 31.996 11:58

Sub-Primož Mortgage:

137 134 ▼3 REZA Kévin B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 5:31:37
138 137 ▼1 BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 5:32:43
139 138 ▼1 NIV Guy Israel Start-Up Nation 5:33:34
140 140 - BOL Cees Team Sunweb 5:38:16
141 141 - BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 5:42:13
142 142 - DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 5:43:07
143 143 - HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 5:46:27
144 144 - EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 5:50:25
145 145 - FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 5:59:38
146 146 - KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 6:05:42

DeadCalm

Lanterne_Rogue said:

Against my wife's will to La Planche des Belles Filles, and finding no Belles Filles apparent did amuse myself with observing the cycling instead. >

I think that was the first time I've guessed the subject of the homage before the end of the first sentence since the Flashman one. Splendid work.

No_Ta_Doctor

Lanterne_Rogue said:

Here we saw also many fine men of the peloton, and I never saw Sir R Porte look so well nor so few bizarre accidents occurring to vex and frustrate him. Indeed a great many were driven to wonder at this change in his fortunes. Mr N Boulting informs me his wife has just delivered a child, and perhaps his improved circumstances are just relief that he is in France and not cleaning baby poo off a cream carpet, which I too would be well glad of.

Superb

pinno

Captain Haddock and the ageing Tintin made absolutely no mention of Kluge's world class achievement whilst sat on the rouge clad bench of the GCN sofa. With all that faux hysterical attention on the wrong end of the race, I expected some proper feet on the ground insight and contemplation of Kluge's tactical masterclass.

What are they being paid for?
Should we raise a petition?
Will Kirby loose his voice by the start of the La Vuelta?
Is there a chance that Hatchemal fatally chokes on a foreign consonant and a vowel (please Rachel) with an umlaut crossed with a circumflex?
Why is there only one monopolies committee?
Did Kelly secretly copyright the word 'well'?

So many questions, so much time.

RichN95.

pinno said:

Captain Haddock and the ageing Tintin made absolutely no mention of Kluge's world class achievement whilst sat on the rouge clad bench of the GCN sofa.

This reminds me of my attempt to take on Lanterne Rouge two years ago at the literary pastiches. Worth a combativity award, but not a stage win

pinno

'Vaughters' lol.

Lanterne_Rogue

You're being harsh on yourself - that was definitely a stage win and I've tucked a similar idea away for later use on the basis that if you can't beat them, join them.

Lanterne_Rogue

The grizzled road captain stared at the road ahead. This felt wrong. The big offensive was supposed to have been scheduled for months ago, yet here they were still fighting in September and he didn't like it. His years of experience nagged at him as if something weren't right. He looked across at Lieutenant Porte, in the uniform of his new unit, and smiled. Porte had been a good man in the trenches, usually falling into them on a descent, and the captain was glad to have him here. For one thing Porte was a lightning rod for bad luck, and as long as you didn't follow his wheel you could be more or less guaranteed to avoid the inevitable shrapnel. Porte seemed happy and relaxed for once, and it added to the unreal air. Perhaps this was how it felt when you go forward for the last time.

His thoughts turned back to his own troops. Still recovering from his wounds, Froome hadn't even made the start. Bernal had been invalided out. Kwiatkowski and Carapaz had got carried away after liberating the contents of an extremely well-stocked wine cellar and accidentally conquered a mountain stronghold, wobbling and hugging as they did so. And there was the latest Thomas...

He never learnt their names: they were all Thomases to him until they either earned his respect or, more likely, found their campaign ending in some ludicrous accident. It must be something about how keen they were. The latest one had avoided both fates by being transferred to the Italian campaign. The captain had received a postcard from him - heavily censored by the new forum software, of course - suggesting that Yates was causing trouble again, but this had to be a failure of intelligence. Yates was here in France - it wasn't like there were two of them.

And then there was chef d'escadrons Pinot. The French were always emphasising his fighting qualities, but when the captain had met him the only thing that Pinot wanted to talk about was the goat farm he wanted to buy after his tour of duty, and we all know what happens to men like that in war films. The captain didn't rate his chances highly, let's put it that way.

And now it was time to go.

"Right lads," he said. "Let's get this sodding stage over with."

from Tour and Peace, by Luis Leon Tolstoy

Yes, after 23 days, 3,484.2 kilometres, 93 hours and 37 minutes of cycling, and what feels like five lifetimes of Carlton Kirby driving me up the wall, we've finally reached Paris and this entire ridiculous charade can be put to bed for another year.

As usual there were no major changes in the rankings on the final stage; despite the possibilities for shenanigans the Lanterne is generally an honourable competition. Importantly the yellow jersey stayed up front instead of trying to hog the limelight at the back, and Kluge's record-breaking time margin remained intact.

It's been a good LR competition this year - having to write about the sodding things I can't tell you how much I appreciate at least a semblance of a struggle to win it rather than finding 21 ways to remark that Lawson Craddock (bless him) still has a broken shoulder or Cheng still has an implacable desire to ride everyone else to sleep. The latter's debut as secret adviser to Jumbo Visma caused some mumblings about boring tactics in the GC, I note - now you know how it feels...

Congratulations to Kluge for the win and for apparently embracing the spirit of the Lanterne Rouge. He's been a great winner. And finally, thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, encouraging and occasionally baffling me over the last three weeks - let's not wait another year before we do it again, eh?

Last gasp saloon:

137 COSNEFROY Benoît AG2R La Mondiale 2:51
138 HIRSCHI Marc Team Sunweb 3:05
139 DE MARCHI Alessandro CCC Team 3:23
140 KWIATKOWSKI Michał INEOS Grenadiers ,,
141 BURGAUDEAU Mathieu Team Total Direct Energie 3:25
142 THEUNS Edward Trek - Segafredo 3:47
143 KREUZIGER Roman NTT Pro Cycling ,,
144 ROCHE Nicolas Team Sunweb ,,
145 BENNETT George Team Jumbo-Visma ,,
146 VALGREN Michael NTT Pro Cycling 3:53

Last gap, ya loons:

137 137 - REZA Kévin B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 25 5:31:37
138 138 - BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 25 5:32:33
139 139 - NIV Guy Israel Start-Up Nation 25 5:34:43
140 140 - BOL Cees Team Sunweb 25 5:38:16
141 141 - BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 25 5:42:13
142 142 - DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 25 5:43:07
143 143 - HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 25 5:46:27
144 144 - EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 25 5:50:25
145 145 - FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 25 6:01:48
146 146 - KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 25 6:07:02

m.r.m.

Gorgeous writing. Really enjoyed it all. Last one could have maybe used a mention of the fallen soldier Herr Gel, since that is one of the most spectacular nicknames ever.


All in all, thanks to the entire forum. Watching the races is so much more fun with the lot of you.

salsiccia1

m.r.m. said:

Gorgeous writing. Really enjoyed it all. Last one could have maybe used a mention of the fallen soldier Herr Gel, since that is one of the most spectacular nicknames ever.


All in all, thanks to the entire forum. Watching the races is so much more fun with the lot of you.

Seconded. Cheers all.

pblakeney

pblakeney said:

Out and out sprinter just hoping to get through on the back of the autobus to the Champs Elysees? Is it possible to win both a stage and the Lantern Rouge?
I guess yes in theory, but has it been done?

Ewan slips up by winning two stages, and is at the pointy end today yet shows the determination to go backwards and remains on the podium.
Worthy of an honourable mention.

50x11

Do any of you wonderful people know the record time for the LR in the tour?

No_Ta_Doctor

Thanks again for the tour, @Lanterne_Rogue. I feel no guilt whatsoever about conning you into it all those many, many stages ago.

Lanterne_Rogue

50x11 said:

Do any of you wonderful people know the record time for the LR in the tour?

The biggest gaps are all pretty early on in the tour's history, when pretty much everything was insane - the length of the course, the rules, the quality of the roads, the lack of teams, the equipment - freewheels were originally banned, for one thing... Actual accurate time gaps get increasingly wobbly as you go back though - the true record is probably lost in the mists of time. Someone might have a decent source for an estimate, but it's probably wrong...

Daniel Friebe suggests Kluge's was the joint biggest margin since 1952. It's definitely the biggest since the trade teams took over - Cheng was 6 hours 2 minutes irrc.

RichN95.

50x11 said:

Do any of you wonderful people know the record time for the LR in the tour?

101 hours in 1904

Here's a full list from Dutch Wikipedia: https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rode_lantaarn

No_Ta_Doctor

RichN95. said:

50x11 said:

Do any of you wonderful people know the record time for the LR in the tour?

101 hours in 1904

Here's a full list from Dutch Wikipedia: https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rode_lantaarn

Quite spectacularly, that's longer than the winner Henri Cornet took in all.
It was also accumalted over just six stages. Chapeau, Antoine Deflotrière


....Hmmm.... Flot is beautiful in Danish. Antoine The beautiful rear?

Lanterne_Rogue

1904 is the year that loads of people got kicked off for taking trains and lifts in cars, isn't it? Would not be surprised to hear that Deflotrière grabbed a train down to Nice for the final stage to guarantee the win.

pinno

Thanks for the entertainment and creativity U².