The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2020 **SPOILERS**

No_Ta_Doctor

I don't know whether to feel guilt or justification

No_Ta_Doctor said:

I can't quite get my head around who the favourites are this year. I guess I should avoid picking anyone French though

Lanterne_Rogue

The Time Traveller smiled. "Are you so sure we can move about it in three dimensions? Forwards and backwards I can readily admit. Left and right are possible within limits, and to my utter disgust we have to go up these bloody hills every sodding day. However consider: the route we must travel is but a single line, thus we move in just one dimension."

"Still, we can move a little side to side?" said the medical man.

"Not like Bob Jungels, we bloody well can't."

"But you cannot move in time!"

"That," said the Time Traveller. "Is the germ of my great discovery! We perceive we are passing along the time dimension with uniform velocity, but why can we not move in the time dimension as easily as we can in space?"

"Oh come, now. This is monstrous," interrupted the psychologist. "This is utterly against reason. I've not heard anything as ridiculous since someone accidentally asked me to wake up Pinot's inner chump."

"There are limits," agreed the Time Traveller. "However, there are also four full dimensions. Three are of space and, as we all agree, the fourth is of time. And why should we not dream of drifting along this dimension? After all, do we not agree that on Sunday Egan Bernal started less than a minute away from Roglič , and after 164km he was eight minutes away? He has moved along the dimension of space, and still further along the axis of time. Thus I have experimental verification. By constraining the riders to the course we restrict them to less than three dimensions of space, therefore their movement in time becomes more free."

"Of all the wild, extravagant theories!"

"Not so wild!" smiled the TIme Traveller. "It turns out to be ridiculously easy. Observe - by pedalling slowly, I move in the time dimension. I'm currently sailing away to the Lanterne Rouge."

"He's a genius!" said the medical man.

"He's a loony!" said the psychologist.

"I'm investigating time beyond human imagination!"

"You've just been timed out," said the Directeur Sportif.

The Time Traveller paused.

"Oh b0ll0cks," he said.

from The Time Traveller by HD Wells

Well...

Winning the lanterne is difficult. Ranged against you are not only your rivals, but your DS, and - ultimately - the clock. Cousin Jerome, labouring under the threat of being sent out on an utterly pointless attack because he was - ha! - "fresh", knew that today might have been his last chance to take some time back against the relentless forces of Lotto Soudal and their ace sprinter, Freddy Kluge.

The idea that a Lanterne candidate would have fresh legs is of course a nonsense as he's been cycling for longer than anyone else, but then Directeurs Sportif are generally chosen for their ability to shout comprehensibly across the radio more than any intellectual qualities. The only silver lining is that this means Chris Moyles is not about to turn up on the Tour any time., being ruled out on both counts

Unfortunately for Cousin Jerome, however, he miscalculated the time gap to being caught hors delai and as a result has been sensationally kicked off the race. As Adam Yates said the other day, albeit in a lesser competition, this isn't the way that you;d want to take the lead - but Jerome's failure shouldn't diminish the respect due to Kluge for moving into prime position.

Lotto Soudal have now locked out the top four placings - it seems inconceivable that they can relinquish their iron grip on the competition from here, and they rubbed in their dominance today by crossing the line utterly alone. Faced with the utter annulment of their premium competition, the pressure on the ASO to review the rules of the competition in order to prevent it becoming an irrelevance will only grow.

Gangnam style:

145 DEVENYNS Dries Deceuninck - Quick Step ,,
146 JANSEN Amund Grøndahl Team Jumbo-Visma ,,
147 KREUZIGER Roman NTT Pro Cycling 27:49
148 GOGL Michael NTT Pro Cycling ,,
149 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 28:08
150 BOL Cees Team Sunweb ,,
151 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 30:52
152 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal ,,
153 DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal ,,
154 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal ,,

Gangnam Corduroy Trousers:

145 147 ▲2 GREIPEL André Israel Start-Up Nation 4:27:44
146 146 - BOL Cees Team Sunweb 4:28:11
147 148 ▲1 BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 4:30:24
148 149 ▲1 CHEVALIER Maxime B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 4:31:06
149 150 ▲1 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 4:32:33
150 152 ▲2 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 4:34:37
151 151 - DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 4:35:23
152 153 ▲1 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 4:40:16
153 154 ▲1 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 4:49:31
154 155 ▲1 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 4:55:05

darkhairedlord

Is being in green and holding the LR a possibility?

DeadCalm

darkhairedlord said:

Is being in green and holding the LR a possibility?

It has to be a long shot but Lotto are playing a dangerous game, flirting with mass elimination. Tomorrow should be the decisive stage.

No_Ta_Doctor

darkhairedlord said:

Is being in green and holding the LR a possibility?

At the end of the race? It's possible, but would probably require a number of riders to crash out first. Ewan is 111pts behind Bennet for the Green.

Lanterne_Rogue

Ewan is far more vulnerable to being HD than the Green Shadow, and I can't see the latter overhauling those above him right now. I don't think it's going to happen.

m.r.m.

Lanterne_Rogue said:

151 151 - DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 4:35:23
152 153 ▲1 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 4:40:16
153 154 ▲1 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 4:49:31
154 155 ▲1 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 4:55:05

Tactical masterpiece. Chapeau!

Pross

Lotto are smashing the team competition

RichN95.

Pross said:

Lotto are smashing the team competition

De Gendt not pulling his weight though. He needs to get in few breakaways.

bm5

Such a cruel end to Cousin J’s reign. Lotto must have put in a cruel attack there. Sad photo on Twitter of CJ with his red cases and shattered dreams

Lanterne_Rogue

That's not my cow...



...its shirt is too spotty.

That's not my cow...



...its bell is too noisy.

That's not my cow...



...those are sheep, you berk.

That's not my cow...



...their legs are too stumpy.

THAT'S Mørkøv!



He's stolen another intermediate sprint point off Sagan!


That's not Mørkøv - available from all bad book stores now.

And so to stage 17, a merry jaunt across one and a half mountains, all topped off by the segregated cycle lane from hell on the Col de la Losers. As it was obviously not designed for bikes, went nowhere useful, and was campaigned against by the local newspapers as an affront to the ordinary, decent, bicycle-hating motorist who pays their road tax, today's finish route was perfectly chosen as an illustration of the modern art of providing godawful cycle infrastructure. It's a miracle nobody arranged to seed it with regular dog turds and broken glass - opting instead to liberally decorate it with broken cyclists instead.

Before this the stage started with dozens of attacks as everyone wanting to regain lost time raced to get to the bottom of the Madeleine, which must be what they mean by a Proustian rush.

These efforts swiftly detached Caleb Ewan, who looked to be in for a long day. At one point Thomas the Gendt Engine dropped back to pace him onto the bunch, Lotto Soudal wisely not risking Kluge's position in the race with a speculative attack, but worryingly they then disappeared from the TV coverage - adding a further Frison of danger. Elsewhere, and unseen by the cameras, Bryan's B&B Hotels were frantically trying to keep Coquard in the race, for which I've always recommended the little blue pills.

Up front the frantic effort to prevent Carapaz rescuing some sort of positive from the smouldering wreckage of Ineos' tour, after Egan Bernal disappeared to spend more time with everyone's conspiracy theories, meant that the cut off was likely to be extremely tight. Despite this however the only rider to end up missing the cut was Jens Busschere, who had turned himself inside out for Coquard. There's currently a campaign to have him awarded the combativity prize, but given that he was so recklessly aggressive at gaining time on LR that he timed out I'm fairly sure it's a moot point, despite his dedication to gaining every second. On such fine thick margins are titles won.

Running up that hill:

141 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 31:13
142 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal ,,
143 TRENTIN Matteo CCC Team 31:49
144 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 32:09
145 BOL Cees Team Sunweb ,,
146 KREUZIGER Roman NTT Pro Cycling 32:23
147 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 32:32
148 GREIPEL André Israel Start-Up Nation 32:45
149 REZA Kévin B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 32:52
150 COQUARD Bryan B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 35:45


Running up that meter:

141 148 ▲7 CHEVALIER Maxime B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 4:56:14
142 146 ▲4 BOL Cees Team Sunweb 5:00:11
143 145 ▲2 GREIPEL André Israel Start-Up Nation 5:00:20
144 147 ▲3 BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 5:00:37
145 149 ▲4 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 5:02:46
146 151 ▲5 DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 5:04:54
147 150 ▲3 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 5:07:00
148 152 ▲4 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 5:11:20
149 153 ▲4 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 5:21:31
150 154 ▲4 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 5:26:09

specialgueststar

Lottos time in the less important race is a very respectful 12 1/2 hours down . They are killing this.

specialgueststar

Inside tip. Watch out for Maxime Chevalier son of Maurice. His 21 year old legs are pressing the down button.

RichN95.

Isn't That's Not Mørkøv written by Fiona Watts/Kg?

Lanterne_Rogue

RichN95. said:

Isn't That's Not Mørkøv written by Fiona Watts/Kg?

I never even thought to check the author - I hadn't realised they're all written by one person!

Imagine how terrible it must be when she gets writers block? Just staring at the words "That's not" and wondering what goes next. Occasionally she goes a bit improv and starts writing "That's not your cow" and then sits there thinking "Woah, Fiona - that's a bit racy..."

pinno

Lotto Soudal occupying all 3 steps of the podium at this point.

That's some domination. Makes NL Jumbo look positively inept.

Lanterne_Rogue

Call me, Ishmael Start-Up Nation.

No, really, give me a ring. This whaling lark really isn't working out. Some time ago I thought I would see the watery part of the world again. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, calming the nerves, and avoiding the dreaded wait to see whatever handspike of fate is destined to destroy Richie Porte this year: it is not in any roadbook; these places never are.

My current misfortune is the greater for having signed up aboard the Pequernick Quick Step; a most miserable ship governed by the tyrannical Captain Ahabennett. This captain sails the seas in search of vengeance for an earlier slight, and tells all who listen that in the final kilometres he will be searching for the accursed Right Wheel come hell or highwater. I fear all the demons of the peloton, all the truthful malice, the petty jealousies are visibily personified for him in the visage of the Right Wheel.

And aye, too, the one who razed him low. Who kept him off the crew for times innumerable, more times than this world or mine own, and brought his mood lower than the kelson. I refer of course to the petulant elbow-throwing, head-butting, line-changing, green-jersey hogging sprinting maniac and phenomenon himself, who even now sullenly scowls backwards at Ahabennett as he attempts to infiltrate break after break and thus make his escape. And art thou Ahabennett not game for outsprinting Mopey D!ck?

Anyway, you have to excuse me. I need to break into a 25 page discursion into why the bicycle is a type of fish.

from Mopey D!ck by Ben Hermans Melville

And so to the final stage in the Alps, and a day of struggle for the grupetto. Today was always going to see the battle for the Lanterne Rouge neutralised as the contenders took united aim against their common enemy - the clock.

In the event not a lot happened. The only casualty was Andre Greipel, who climbed off fairly early - everyone else survived with the last group having nearly nine minutes spare. This race is increasingly looking locked down.

Underall:

140 140 - NIV Guy Israel Start-Up Nation 5:24:08
141 141 - CHEVALIER Maxime B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 5:25:46
142 142 - BOL Cees Team Sunweb 5:29:50
143 144 ▲1 BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 5:30:16
144 145 ▲1 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 5:32:25
145 146 ▲1 DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 5:34:26
146 147 ▲1 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 5:36:39
147 148 ▲1 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 5:40:59
148 149 ▲1 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 5:51:10
149 150 ▲1 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 5:55:48

specialgueststar

Class

bobmcstuff

Lanterne_Rogue said:

Ewan is far more vulnerable to being HD than the Green Shadow, and I can't see the latter overhauling those above him right now. I don't think it's going to happen.

The Green Shadow is a great name for Bennett.

No_Ta_Doctor

Lotto taking the piss now. Hope the UCI are testing them for morphine and their bikes for lead weights.

Lanterne_Rogue

Right, hang on - just let me catch up. I've spent a day knackering myself on mountains (albeit on foot, not bike) in honour of what Kluge's suffering daily. I don't know what he's fuelling himself with but if someone claims it's a massive ice cream washed down with fizzy cola I'd find it hard to stomach.

Literally.

Lanterne_Rogue

"Right, Ewan. Listen up. No going in the break tomorrow to try and hoover up king of the mountain points."
"But I wasn't pla-"
"No, I absolutely forbid it. I know it's hard, but I need you to look after Kluge's position."
"But it's Kluge who-"
"We're all looking after! That's the spirit - no fannying off the front like Kwiatkowski and Carapaz for a cuddle. I will not have cuddling in my unit, Ewan."
"I didn't want a cuddle either, sir. I just wan-"
"Want to get away in the break. Yes, I understand. Watching Sagan dragging the Green Shadow up into the break every day must be very hard on you. But how many mountain points has it brought them, Ewan? None. It's been an utter failure. So stay at the back, look after Kluge, and forget about the polkadot jersey."
"But sir, I never want-"
"Wanted to be a super-domestique. Absolutely, but it's the card we've been given. Without you there things could go downhill quickly."
"Actually, sir, that's the one bit I am good at."
"I cannot take any more of this insubordination, Ewan. Look, keep your record clean, don't get in any breaks, don't go charging up any mountains, and next year we might bring you along specifically as the team climber. Now do you think you can manage to not go chasing mountain points tomorrow?"
"Erm, I suppose I could sacrifice myself, sir."
"Excellent! Well, off you go. Toodle pip, and see you at the finish. Only... not too soon."

from What a Way to Win a Tour by Captain Craddock

Aaaand from my promised research I see that absolutely nothing of note actually happened in today's stage other than Postlberger being critically mauled by a [checks notes] bee. Excellent work.

Having realised it wasn't a stage for the sprinters after all, and inspired by Ineos' obscenely choreographed nonsense yesterday, Lotto Soudal decided to really guild the lily and take a clean sweep of the podium. Somehow though De Buyst failed to get the piece of folded paper with the carefully designed funky dance moves to confuse everyone and let them shift off the back of the podium. He finished in the same group as Haller - the one rider offering any sort of resistance to the massed ranks of Lotto Soudal - and the time gap remains static.

Honey to the Bee:

144 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 8:17
145 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 8:41
146 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 9:59

Money to the Bee, for an accident that wasn't his fault. Call now!:

137 143 ▲6 BENNETT Sam Deceuninck - Quick Step 5:23:40
138 140 ▲2 NIV Guy Israel Start-Up Nation 5:24:08
139 141 ▲2 CHEVALIER Maxime B&B Hotels - Vital Concept p/b KTM 5:25:46
140 142 ▲2 BOL Cees Team Sunweb 5:29:50
141 144 ▲3 BONIFAZIO Niccolò Team Total Direct Energie 5:32:25
142 145 ▲3 DE BUYST Jasper Lotto Soudal 5:34:26
143 146 ▲3 HALLER Marco Bahrain - McLaren 5:36:39
144 147 ▲3 EWAN Caleb Lotto Soudal 5:41:38
145 148 ▲3 FRISON Frederik Lotto Soudal 5:52:13
146 149 ▲3 KLUGE Roger Lotto Soudal 5:58:09


PS - anaphylactic shock isn't actually funny - make sure you know the symptoms!

pinno

So I wasn't suffering anaphylactic shock; but I have been suffering from the terrible news that Cousin J went too quick and that is the cause of my rashes and palpitations.
Perhaps all of France is suffering similar ailments too.

That last ditch attempt by Sivakov to gain time by chucking himself off the bike should have been carried out in the first week. Why now? Silly Sivakov. In hindsight, he has shown tactical naivity.

However:

I got a copy of a memo from Jim Ratcliffe to Brailsford regarding Sivakov capturing the limelight.

I lost it but it went something like this:

"David. Sivakov: stop him, we can't afford yet another team leader 'cos things are tight and BoJo might lock it all down again. If this carries on, i'll dry roast your testicles..."

Lanterne_Rogue

I see from the ITV highlights that Daniel Friebe made Kluge aware that he can set a record LR deficit in what we might call the modern era (taking that to be, say, the end of national teams?). Kluge promptly took another 3 minutes or so.

Kluge's embracing this, isn't he? Always nice to see a rider that's comfortable with the LR rather than trying to deflect questions with the standard "yeah, well, it's a hard stage tomorrow and I'm just concentrating on taking it one stage at a time as anything can happen" nonsense that you get when riders are trying to avoid jinxing their hopes.

https://twitter.com/friebos/status/1307200399145938944?s=20

No_Ta_Doctor

The TT is always a real problem for the Lanterne contenders. The cut-off time won't be known until long after they've finished. They can only guess and hope. Those willing to take big risks can gain minutes, but might not be riding to Paris tomorrow.

blazing_saddles

Kluge has set out as if means serious business, or else fall at the last OT hurdle.
Any slower and you would have though he was doing track stands.

No_Ta_Doctor

blazing_saddles said:

Kluge has set out as if means serious business, or else fall at the last OT hurdle.
Any slower and you would have though he was doing track stands.

And yet he's the fastest of the first 9 at the first check. Presumably he has a positive split stratgey

No_Ta_Doctor

A quick word for Haller, 4th place at the start, who took a whopping 1'41" out of Kluge at the first time check. Could well be up for the Lanterne Combativity award for fighting on in the face of Lotto's dominance.

Lanterne_Rogue

Camera bikes following Ewan, not Kluge. Maybe my joke about him going for KOM points has accidentally given the French tv director the wrong idea?

No_Ta_Doctor

No bike change for Kluge. Comes home in 1 04' 25"