The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2019 **Spoilers**

above_the_cows

Offroado doing his damndest for the Red Light Trophy and falling in the neutralised zone. A+ for effort.

DeadCalm

Nice touch with Offredo giving some encouragement to last place man Alaphilippe.

Pross

DQS keeping a tight rein on wannabee red light attackers today. It's going to take a special rider to get away from this lack of pace and gain any meaningful time.

Lanterne_Rogue

RichN95 wrote:

underlay, surely Offredo leading the way, possibly for a while, this offers a perfect opportunity for one of your literary pastiches. In this case the currently very fashionable The Handmaid's Tale.

Sad to say I've never read it. Those hoods look awfully aero-optimised for a tilt at the LR though, don't they?

Anyway, today's stage could have gone either way - either the whole race explodes and small groups are left all over the road to survive as they can, or the peloton let a decent break go and clock off for the day. Sadly for the LR we got the latter.

Offredo has confirmed that he's suffering from stomach cramps, headaches and diarrhoea so it's probably wise not to speculate on what he slipped on to bring him down within the neutralised zone. I'm assuming that in his current medical state nobody was expecting him to try and get in the break today but like Team Ineos at the other end of the race it appears that Offredo is now trying to ride a defensive race that minimises risk as far as possible. It'd be a hard-hearted DS indeed that would then send him off with the break on today's stage and risk losing serious time against a peloton taking it easy. It's also been brought to my attention that Offredo's ascent to being an LR contender is unsurprising, with the first sign of his ability being this particular piece of skill from Paris-Roubaix. Notice the absolute nonchalance with which he lines up the road furniture for his big moment here: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5jl6t2

Elsewhere Peter Sagan proved that he's genuinely an all rounder by finishing dead last and Chad Haga gains a place, whereas the Busker and Kasper Asgreen both lost out through a basic positioning error that left them in the wrong group. Finally Alessandro de Marchi attempted to make up time but overcooked his attack, ending up with a "small" collapsed lung, broken collarbone and various other impressive-sounding ailments. Fortunately he was able to give a quote from his hospital bed other than "GIVE ME MORPHINE, YOU-"

Catch up with us again tomorrow, when hopefully there'll be a bit more action on the way to suspiciously named budget supermarket knock-off "Albi".

Hobart Paving:

162 MATEJ MOHORIC 46 BAHRAIN - MERIDA 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
163 RICK ZABEL 188 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
164 MARCO HALLER 185 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
165 CEES BOL 143 TEAM SUNWEB 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
166 NIKI TERPSTRA 177 TOTAL DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
167 MAXIMILIANO RICHEZE 27 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
168 MAXIME MONFORT 167 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
169 ROGER KLUGE 166 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
170 CALEB EWAN 161 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -
171 PETER SAGAN 11 BORA - HANSGROHE 04H 24' 34'' + 00H 21' 22'' - -

Hobart's Funnies:

162 161 ▼1 JANSEN Amund Grøndahl Team Jumbo-Visma 1:29:27
163 168 ▲5 ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:29:28
164 162 ▼2 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team Jumbo-Visma 1:30:02
165 163 ▼2 MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:30:17
166 164 ▼2 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:30:44
167 165 ▼2 RICHEZE Maximiliano Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:31:02
168 166 ▼2 CUMMINGS Steve Team Dimension Data 1:31:05
169 171 ▲2 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:31:16
170 170 - HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:33:28
171 172 ▲1 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:43:39

above_the_cows

underlayunderlay wrote:

Those hoods look awfully aero-optimised for a tilt at the LR though, don't they?

Well...

RichN95.

underlayunderlay wrote:

RichN95 wrote:

underlay, surely Offredo leading the way, possibly for a while, this offers a perfect opportunity for one of your literary pastiches. In this case the currently very fashionable The Handmaid's Tale.

Sad to say I've never read it. Those hoods look awfully aero-optimised for a tilt at the LR though, don't they?

I've only seen the TV version. The lead character is called Offred, hence the reference.

bm5

Sagan beating Ewen shows ambition.
Very disappointed to see Tony Martin losing his top 10 place.

Lanterne_Rogue

BM5 wrote:

Sagan beating Ewen shows ambition.
Very disappointed to see Tony Martin losing his top 10 place.

I knew there was something I ought to mention, although I don't think anyone was expecting him to remain in the top ten? I mean, at some point the DS was always going to look down their list of potential sacrificial offerings for tomorrow's stage and realise who this mysterious "Martin Tony" was. Crap pseudonym, in retrospect...

pinno

SpecialGuestStar wrote:

Offredo piling on time quicker than Ullrich going through mamas home brew.

FTFY

RichN95 wrote:

underlay, surely Offredo leading the way, possibly for a while, this offers a perfect opportunity for one of your literary pastiches. In this case the currently very fashionable The Handmaid's Tale.

Not read it but is it along the lines of that Eeyore saga?

bm5

Offredo goes for it

above_the_cows

Offroado* is being given his very own section on the ITV highlights.**

Apparently even as LR he has in fact been out the front the longest...



*And what a poppet he is. Ahhhhh. He seems really lovely. He has a picture of his family on the stem.
*More proof that the producers read this forum.

Lanterne_Rogue

In some ways you've got to feel sorry for Offredo, despite his crushing dominance in the one true race. With 72km or so to go he'd slipped off the back and commentators were starting to openly speculate about whether he could make it to the end of the stage within the time cut. Instead he limited his losses, rode carefully, and gently eased himself back onto the peloton. A satisfied smile must have played across his face at the prospect of a gentle downhill run into Albi and their range of reasonably priced meat products. Perhaps he might even have dared to hope that they had one of their regular cycling promotions in the magical mystery aisle; after all, he could do with a clean pair of shorts. All he had to do was avoid making the mistake of popping in for a surprisingly decent bottle of olive oil (you can always pour it into a more socially acceptable bottle) and walking out with a two man kayak or full set of welding gear.

Than some lunatic from EF Education First proves that they haven't learnt anything and starts drilling it at the front.

Now this wouldn't have been disastrous for Offredo as EF Education First hadn't even brought a knife to the gunfight. At best they had a plastic spork.

EF's hilariously underpowered attempt to rip the race apart, or at least tweak its nose, did however alert the big boys to the position of Pinot, as if the massive lightning rod for bad luck marked "French GC hopeful" hovering above him wasn't enough. To make it worse Ritchie Porte was with him and metaphorically wearing a sign taped to his back marked "Please kick me".

Within seconds Team Ineos and sidewind specialists Deq- Dekuwer- Dik- Quickstep were storming past a confused breakaway and cackling manically as Pinot, Uran and Porte worked frantically to catch up, George Bennett was left with a jersey full of bidons and nobody to hand them to, and Offredo was left wondering where everyone else had gone to.

Eventually sprint tribute act Rick Zabel earnt the white feather by offering to go back to look for Offredo in a brilliantly sneaky move to gain time whilst ostensibly acting charitably, the pair of them rolling in over 11 minutes after everyone else had headed off to see if there were any bargains in the wine aisle. Zabel rockets to second on the underall and even sneakily 'assisted' Offredo across the line with a suspiciously firm consoling pat to ensure Zabel took last place in case it goes to countback.

There was one bright note for Offredo. I've noticed from Lar "Sytting" Bak's Twitter feed that the organisers have taken pity on him and given him his own dedicated team car to cheer him up. How thoughtful of them:



Taylor Swift's Love Story:

162 STEPHEN CUMMINGS 203 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
163 ANTHONY PEREZ 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
164 MARCO HALLER 185 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
165 TONY MARTIN 86 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
166 ROMAIN SICARD 175 TOTAL DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
167 SIMON CLARKE 93 EF EDUCATION FIRST 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
168 TOMS SKUJINS 137 TREK - SEGAFREDO 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
169 SEBASTIAN LANGEVELD 95 EF EDUCATION FIRST 04H 59' 20'' + 00H 09' 41'' - -
170 YOANN OFFREDO 196 WANTY - GOBERT CYCLING TEAM 05H 10' 41'' + 00H 21' 02'' - -
171 RICK ZABEL 188 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 10' 41'' + 00H 21' 02'' - -

Tyler Farrar's Transitions:

162 157 ▼5 NIZZOLO Giacomo Team Dimension Data 1:36:29
163 160 ▼3 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:37:46
164 164 - GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team Jumbo-Visma 1:39:43
165 165 - MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:39:58
166 166 - SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:40:25
167 168 ▲1 CUMMINGS Steve Team Dimension Data 1:40:46
168 169 ▲1 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:40:57
169 170 ▲1 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:43:09
170 147 ▼23 ZABEL Rick Team Katusha Alpecin 1:44:11
171 171 - OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 2:04:41

pinno

That heap of full bidons to weigh you down was a deft LR tactic.
Zabel will have to deploy it if he wants to peg back Offrido.

Pross

Zabel needs to realise that it's going to take a more concerted effort than a late attack to edge behind for a stage win if he wants to ignite a battle for the overall Lanterne Rouge. It all smacks of the sort of negative racing for a podium position you see all too often in the minor jersey competition. I really hope that sort of behaviour isn't encroaching on the true race where legends have traditionally been made

Lanterne_Rogue

"So if I finish last," said Yossarian Offredo, "I must be ill."
"No," said Doc Deceuninck. "You're well rested so you have to work."
"But if I go and work at the front, I'll end up ill and knackered and out the back."
"Yes, but that means you'll be rested and have to do some work."
Yoyo paused.
"That's one hell of a catch."
"Simplest one there is. Except those times a single rider accidentally ends up on a 200km breakaway whilst the peloton soft pedal. Those catches are simpler."
"I'm not doing 200km."
"Nobody's asking you to. Just do some work today."

- from Catch Wanty-Groupe, by Josef Hinault.

I've literally spent half an hour staring blankly at a screen, unable to process what I'm seeing. Faced with a tour in which they have precisely one rider in contention for a major prize, and with a twenty minute advantage over his nearest competitor, Wonky-Qbert choose to potentially jeopardise his race by sending him up the front to work for a "sprinter" who promptly gets beaten by Warren Barguil. The only possible explanation is that they've been infiltrated by tactical geniuses Movistar.

In the underall Zabel was unable to take advantage of Offredo's predicament; Rick rolled over and left the Tour because it became clear he was never gonna give flu up. That left an opportunity for others to get in on the action, and when Terpstra touched a wheel Di-Data sprinter Nizzolo spotted his chance to win today's White Feather and used all his bike handling skills to ensure he went down hard as well. Caleb Ewan must be kicking himself for not doing the same when his teammate deliberately rode into a ditch, a shame because greater love hath no man than he who lays down his bike for his friend. Apparently when Ewan was told "we desperately need to lose today" he misheard it as 'Toulouse', and the rest is history...

Langeveld and Madonna Ciccone also got into the groove as a result of Terpstra's accident, with Langeveld joining Nizzolo in the top four. In the other direction Groenewegen climbed out of the top ten due to an attack of the vapours, only avoiding the indignity of another maximum time penalty due to braking at the last moment to allow Ewan to take them instead. Fortunately there are likely to be very few sprints from hereon in, so Groenewegen's repeated inability to find excuses to drop off (puncture, dropped chain, mysterious alien tractor beam etc) shouldn't cost him too much and he should climb back into the top ten soon.

Join us tomorrow for a boring mountain stage that will motivate the usual suspects to try and creep in just before the cut off as racing shuts down for a battle of survival.

Autobus:

160 FLORIAN VACHON 218 TEAM ARKEA - SAMSIC 03H 57' 07'' + 00H 05' 41'' - -
161 LUKAS PÖSTLBERGER 17 BORA - HANSGROHE 03H 57' 42'' + 00H 06' 16'' - -
162 MAXIME MONFORT 167 LOTTO SOUDAL 03H 57' 44'' + 00H 06' 18'' - -
163 CHRISTOPHER JUUL JENSEN 106 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 03H 57' 44'' + 00H 06' 18'' - -
164 KASPER ASGREEN 22 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 03H 59' 01'' + 00H 07' 35'' - P : 00' 10''
165 MARC SOLER 67 MOVISTAR TEAM 04H 02' 17'' + 00H 10' 51'' - -
166 TONY MARTIN 86 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 04H 02' 17'' + 00H 10' 51'' - -
167 SEBASTIAN LANGEVELD 95 EF EDUCATION FIRST 04H 03' 29'' + 00H 12' 03'' - -
168 GIACOMO NIZZOLO 207 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 03' 29'' + 00H 12' 03'' - -
169 GIULIO CICCONE 133 TREK - SEGAFREDO 04H 03' 29'' + 00H 12' 03'' - -

Vengabus:

160 139 ▼21 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 1:39:51
161 165 ▲4 MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:40:21
162 163 ▲1 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:40:26
163 168 ▲5 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:40:57
164 166 ▲2 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:43:05
165 167 ▲2 CUMMINGS Steve Team Dimension Data 1:43:26
166 154 ▼12 LANGEVELD Sebastian EF Education First 1:45:07
167 169 ▲2 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:46:55
168 162 ▼6 NIZZOLO Giacomo Team Dimension Data 1:48:32
169 171 ▲2 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 2:05:12

pinno

Well, on the plus side, Offredo's lead has been slashed to 17 minutes.
It's a slow burner and has all the ingredients for another epic comeback in the year of epic comebacks.
Don't ask me who's coming back epically* though.

*Yes, it's in the Collins dictionary - I looked it up.

bm5

Congratulations to Tony, back in the top 10 and strong stage result in face of determined opposition. Needs more time tomorrow to make up for what will be a poor stage on Friday.

pblakeney

There are huge opportunities for time gaps to be made over the next 4 days.

pinno

BM5 wrote:

Congratulations to Tony, back in the top 10 and strong stage result in face of determined opposition. Needs more time tomorrow to make up for what will be a poor stage on Friday.

Yes but as NoTadoc said, the LR boys get stuck in the autobus grupetto, can't slip away.

above_the_cows

Someone will have to exit the bus via the rear door if they really want to gain time.

No_Ta_Doctor

Today might offer some chances. With a long descent to the finish, no wrong end riders want to be caught out with no domestiques. It will take dedication to get into the grupetto.

Lanterne_Rogue

I see from social media disgrace Twitter that Offredo signed on this morning with his daughters in tow. Pretty sure if he tries fitting a tagalong then the commissaires will instantly disqualify him for blatant mechanical doping, although there might be a loophole if he merely uses it to lose time in the rollout...

https://twitter.com/LeTour/status/1151777677285756928?s=19

Pross

I think we can safely rule Rowe out this year, he is completely off form and didn't even attempt to get in today's break when there was a chance to take a lot of time. This should be a lesson to anyone of how drunken stag do stunts can damage your career, he's never been the same since that injury.

Lanterne_Rogue

Well that was embarrassing. Those of us who'd confidently predicted today's stage would see the favourites shutting up shop and closing down the race were made to look foolish as the first proper mountain stage saw several riders unaccountably lose ground in the underall, including Offredo - possibly due to his children nagging from the back. Who amongst us hasn't put their foot down on the motorway to try and bring a swifter end to the bickering from behind? And if you haven't take my advice and get your tubes tied.

Today's stage either saw a massive breakaway go off the front or an even bigger one fall off the back, depending on your viewpoint and opinion on the best way to attack a stage like this. Yesterday's White Feather Nizzolo was forced to abandon before the racing even properly kicked off having overcooked the injuries and being dropped by the peloton on the first categorised speed bump; Philipsen was a non-starter and Stefan Dennis remembered that he had a new series of Neighbours to film in which his character variously has amnesia, accidentally cops off with the wrong identical twin, and experiences a major falling out with his team for no apparent reason other than provide plenty of conspiracy theories for the scriptwriters and other members of the Asylum to explore over the next six months.

Elsewhere it still feels like a few time trial specialists were simply marking time until the race of truth tomorrow, the filthy liars - there's surely no way that Dowsett and Martin will still be there tomorrow. Langeveld rolled in with the best again to close the gap on Offredo, and Caleb Ewan has surely done too much damage for today's stage to be more than a consolation. Slowest of all was Amund van Jensen, producing his biggest hit since 1998's "You Don't Know Me". Still don't, if we're honest, but have the white feather anyway.

Finally, I know we don't cover the Lanterne equivalents from the other grand tours, but I can't help but notice a headline suggesting that Chris Froome has finished the Vuelta a staggering 8 years after everybody else and whilst lying in a hospital bed to boot. Surely this is a landmark achievement for British cycling. Don't see that sort of endurance from Wiggins, do you?

Bootscootin' Babies:

157 JENS KEUKELEIRE 165 LOTTO SOUDAL 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
158 YVES LAMPAERT 24 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
159 MAXIMILIANO RICHEZE 27 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
160 MICHAEL HEPBURN 104 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
161 JENS DEBUSSCHERE 182 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
162 AIME DE GENDT 193 WANTY - GOBERT CYCLING TEAM 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
163 SEBASTIAN LANGEVELD 95 EF EDUCATION FIRST 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
164 WOUT VAN AERT 88 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
165 CALEB EWAN 161 LOTTO SOUDAL 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -
166 AMUND JANSEN 85 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 05H 24' 27'' + 00H 26' 34'' - -

Driving me crazy:

157 150 ▼7 DOWSETT Alex Team Katusha Alpecin 1:50:43
158 164 ▲6 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:52:28
159 153 ▼6 MONFORT Maxime Lotto Soudal 1:52:54
160 155 ▼5 DE GENDT Aimé Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:53:19
161 158 ▼3 ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:54:41
162 167 ▲5 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:56:18
163 160 ▼3 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 1:56:50
164 163 ▼1 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:57:56
165 166 ▲1 LANGEVELD Sebastian EF Education First 2:02:06
166 169 ▲3 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 2:14:35

salsiccia1

Absolute gold

bm5

Good to have Alex giving hope to the nation in these turbulent times.

Lanterne_Rogue

"I'm sure we've seen this river at least four times now, Annemiek", said Cecilie, pedalling furiously. "I'm starting to think sadistic games mistress Ms Prudhomme is lost, you know."
"I'm sure she knows the way, Cissy. Personally I'm more suspicious of her claim that she wants to encourage young women like us to cycle more."
"You mean after that incident in 2017 when she sent virtually the whole school home before the second day of our trip?"
"Not just that. I saw a huge group of boys cycling yesterday and i could have sworn I saw Ms Prudhomme with them in a car, She was waving a flag and everything. I think she might secretly be one of those suspicious foreign types who are trying to steal some macguffin for unclear political purposes that exist purely to justify a paper thin plot."
"Gosh, Annemiek. Do you think we ought to find ourselves a dog and a few more friends and investigate?"
"I think that might be a jolly good idea, Cissy. Let's try and get into an adventure when we get there."
"Where are we going anyway, conveniently Yorkshire-accented Lizzie?"
"T'Pau," said Lizzie quietly.

There was a pause amongst the girls.

"Is he doing that joke again?" asked Cecilie.
"I'm afraid it's in his contract," said Lizzie. "Ginger beer, anyone?"

From The Girls of Pedally Towers by Beryl Blyton
"

Yes, according to a secret communique issued by the ASO's publicity department at two am this morning, transmitted on the only Enigma machine to have been converted to transmit in Linear B, today is La Course, the women's cycling race that honours the history of British road racing by happening entirely in secret. Join me in a few hours to discover if my agents actually uncover some results this year...

Lanterne_Rogue

An hour later the girls were still following the map given to them by Ms Prudhomme.

"I knew it! We've been going in circles! This is the same statue we left half the peloton at thirty minutes ago as a marker!" said Lucinda.
"I still say we should be dropping crumbs," insisted Celilie.
"Yes, but this lot were easier, to drop. I'm still not sure why."

"Look - there's Allison Beverage!" shouted Annemiek. "No wonder they were so keen to stay behind."
"Gosh," said Lucinda. "I didn't know wine came in pints. Ms Prudhomme will be furious."
"Where is sadistic games mistress Ms Prudhomme, anyway?" asked Annemiek.

Marianne, who was older and wiser than the others, spoke up. "You don't think that Ms Prudhomme wanted us out of the way do you? She was awfully evasive about that massive jiffy bag marked "Alan Phillip" this morning..."
"Gosh!" said Cecilie. "This sounds like a mystery! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!"
"Oh no - not again. No no no no..." said the others.
"I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!!!"
"Oh no..."

From The Continued Adventures of the Girls of Pedally Towers by Beryl Blyton.

Yes, to the sound of continued indifference from the ASO La Course belted along for 121km in the style of a fight in the pages of The Beano, with fists, feet and sausages on sticks flying in all directions. Trying to type what was happening in real time was a fruitless task as rider after rider attacked each other and your helpless scribe, possibly because they'd read the preview.

Somewhere around a third of the starting peloton either fell off, fell back, or sought asylum in a nearby cafe, proving just how attritional the racing was. The sad thing about this is the same idiots who whinge about men's racing being too cautious will probably have refused to watch this in case their testicles drop off, or whatever it is they think women doing exercise will do to them.

Eventually a high class group got away at the back of the race, with British Champion Alice Barnes threatening to secure further glory in a select trio alongside Vandenbulcke* and the one the Spice Girls wanted, Zig a Žigart. In the final metres Zig a Žigart managed to find an extra lack of energy and open up a slight gap to take the title by a clear second. Excellent riding and congratulations all round. I'm sure we're all looking forward to the next stage in, er, oh. 2020. FFS.


Sisters doing it for themselves:

82 CHRISTMAS Dani Lotto Soudal Ladies ,,
83 HOSKING Chloe Alé Cipollini ,,
84 BERGEN Sara Rally UHC Cycling Women ,,
85 UVAROVA Marina Cogeas - Mettler Pro Cycling Team ,,
86 LAHAYE Lucie Charente-Maritime Women Cycling 13:02
87 ALLIN Pauline Charente-Maritime Women Cycling ,,
88 KROGSGAARD Birgitte Team Virtu Cycling ,,
89 VANDENBULCKE Jesse Doltcini - Van Eyck Sport 13:06
90 BARNES Alice Canyon SRAM Racing ,,
91 ŽIGART Urška BTC City Ljubljana 13:07

* This recap is body positive. I am not even going there with a joke about this name

Lanterne_Rogue

And now to the race of truth, a title which started to become as ironical as this year's Tour turning out to be another "tour of renewal" as far as both French GC hopes and bitter, cynical doping theories are concerned and, like a bunch of shoemakers speaking Esperanto, the outcome was a load of cobblers that nobody could really make any sense of.

I'm not a journalist. I'm allowed long sentences.

To be fair not a lot happened today. The longest times were generally set by mid-ranking riders although Tony Martin proved that his transition to LR hopeful is complete. Langeveld closed up a little to Offredo despite a flying start - a call from his DS to stop being an idiot was clearly made, Chad Haga and Kasper Asgreen were big losers, Alex Dowsett was right out. Entering the top ten for the first time are veteran Andre Greipel (known as "the gorilla" for the time he jumped on David Attenborough) and Ireland's Marc O'Haller, who the papers say is a bit worried about being a backstop or something.

Caleb Ewan, still atoning for the other day, and Audrey Amador (accidentally swept up from the remnants of La Course, I'll bet) share the honours, but the White Feather goes to Bardet for an audacious series of slapstick routines in what must have been a tricky stage once they ordered him to take his stabilisers off his TT bike. There's hope for the French yet after years of Anglophone dominance.

Join us tomorrow when I'll try and keep this going despite being in a tent in the middle of Dorset with only my phone and a selection of hallucinogenic drugs to inform my reporting. I doubt there'll be much difference from the usual low quality, it might just take a bit longer to type.

One night in heaven:

156 JONATHAN CASTROVIEJO 3 TEAM INEOS 00H 40' 59'' + 00H 05' 59'' - -
157 SEBASTIAN LANGEVELD 95 EF EDUCATION FIRST 00H 41' 06'' + 00H 06' 06'' - -
158 MATHIAS FRANK 34 AG2R LA MONDIALE 00H 41' 07'' + 00H 06' 07'' - -
159 GEORGE BENNETT 82 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 00H 41' 14'' + 00H 06' 14'' - -
160 CEES BOL 143 TEAM SUNWEB 00H 41' 15'' + 00H 06' 15'' - -
161 ROGER KLUGE 166 LOTTO SOUDAL 00H 41' 19'' + 00H 06' 19'' - -
162 MAGNUS CORT NIELSEN 77 ASTANA PRO TEAM 00H 41' 25'' + 00H 06' 25'' - -
163 TONY MARTIN 86 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 00H 41' 45'' + 00H 06' 45'' - -
164 CALEB EWAN 161 LOTTO SOUDAL 00H 41' 55'' + 00H 06' 55'' - -
165 ANDREY AMADOR 63 MOVISTAR TEAM 00H 41' 55'' + 00H 06' 55'' - -

One night in Croydon:

156 161 ▲5 ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:55:33
157 156 ▼1 GREIPEL André Team Arkéa Samsic 1:55:51
158 154 ▼4 HALLER Marco Team Katusha Alpecin 1:55:53
159 158 ▼1 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:56:09
160 162 ▲2 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:57:40
161 160 ▼1 DE GENDT Aimé Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:57:45
162 163 ▲1 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 2:03:35
163 164 ▲1 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 2:03:49
164 165 ▲1 LANGEVELD Sebastian EF Education First 2:08:12
165 166 ▲1 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 2:19:45

above_the_cows

159 GEORGE BENNETT 82 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 00H 41' 14'' + 00H 06' 14'' - -

Do we reckon George is planning on stage hunting in the next few days? I do hope so, it will make up for the cricket.

Fly George, fly!



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