The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2019 **Spoilers**

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

White Feather nominee from me: Calamity Jane. Attacking the entire peloton with 11km to go allowed him to appease his DS while eventually being able to ship 02' 08''. While it only just squeezes in to the bottom 20 for the stage, the ability to find time when under DS's orders deserves reward.

Okay, from tomorrow I'm opening these up properly. Also you missed the obvious whipcrack & away gag...

This is why I don't do the overall write-ups.

Lanterne_Rogue

I probably shouldn't be either - completely forgot to mention the underwhelming footage of someone diving into a paddling pool. Bloke hadn't even made the effort to dress as Millais' Ophelia, for shame. Standards at the tour definitely slipping.

Also spotted someone waving a chair during Schär's last stand, which sounds like the sort of conversation I used to have with my grandmother.

"Schär!"
"Yes, here."
"No, Schär!"
"I'M WAVING IT AT YOU!"

ShutupJens

Hearing that Magnus Cort is riding with a broken finger and was lingering around the back door of the bunch most of the day today.. Perhaps he's waiting for his opportunity to sneak away and gain some time? Would be at an advantage on descents I'm sure

specialgueststar

148 ▼22 PÖSTLBERGER Lukas BORA - hansgrohe 22:23
171 176 ▲5 ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 22:26
172 114 ▼58 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 22:42
173 156 ▼17 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 22:53
174 159 ▼15 LADAGNOUS Matthieu Groupama - FDJ 22:55
175 146 ▼29 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 24:49
176 147 ▼29 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team ,

I am already beginning to believe that this could be the year for my man Offredo . Two suicide breaks in two days gets him in the psyche whilst silently pushing the down button on GC . Now he's got to get Martin into early position on the hills - the type of scenario a red lamp specialist dreams of....

Look at Postleberger though - falling like a skanky mattress off a canal bridge

ShutupJens

UK Postal Worker doing shifts on the front today, can't imagine he'll want to keep that up at all if he's going to take this competition seriously

Lanterne_Rogue

In the eternal words of Madonna, who was apparently a massive fan of the bijou artisan mountains of eastern France, "Strike a pose: Vosges", and quite a few riders took her up on the suggestion - letting their bodies flow to the music and straight out the back on the final climbs. Unfortunately this didn't include the early break, and with Simon Clarke the best performer whilst still being five minutes ahead of today's laggards they'll be disappointed with the result.

Today's stage saw more interesting racing than expected. Chad Haga ostentatiously sat on the front for Michael Matthews without noticeably managing the gap, or indeed working, before dropping off with his DS mollified; Tony Gallopin was ordered to stop and remove the item of garden furniture he'd deployed to increase drag; Arkéa Samsic continued to reap the rewards of employing Haimar Zubeldia as directeur sportif, although nobody's seen either him or them; and Maxi Richeze realised Bora were wrecking his chances of getting a decent result by taking the pace up before he gave his teammates the slip so cycled up to the front of the peloton and told them to bloody well knock it off.

On the final run of hills a group of around twenty riders, including many of the sprinters, managed to give the rest of the field the slip and came in around 18 minutes down. Predictably Steve Cummings was amongst them, and it eventually dawned on Richeze that hiding in a hedge until the final group rocked up was far easier than trying to persuade Bora to stop working for Sagan.

On the other hand a few riders had a notable jour avec. Schär will be wishing he could turn back time, Gallopin showed why he needed the extra drag and ended up blowing ten minutes, and my early favourite Risotto found himself cooked.

Offredo now leads on the underall, join us tomorrow to see what the first of the dirty, filthy mountains does to the standings as we're made to walk the plank - and don't forget to name your suggestions for today's White Feather.

B*Witched:

167 MAGNUS CORT NIELSEN 77 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
168 MIKE TEUNISSEN 87 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
169 NIKI TERPSTRA 177 TOTAL DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
170 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 84 TEAM JUMBO - VISMA 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
171 JASPER PHILIPSEN 128 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
172 ROGER KLUGE 166 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
173 MAXIMILIANO RICHEZE 27 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
174 ELIA VIVIANI 28 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
175 STEPHEN CUMMINGS 203 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -
176 CEES BOL 143 TEAM SUNWEB 04H 21' 10'' + 00H 18' 37'' - -

B*Wildered:

167 163 ▼4 VERONA Carlos Movistar Team 36:15
168 157 ▼11 GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team Jumbo-Visma 36:51
169 158 ▼11 MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 36:52
170 172 ▲2 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 37:30
171 174 ▲3 LADAGNOUS Matthieu Groupama - FDJ 37:43
172 168 ▼4 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 38:29
173 167 ▼6 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 39:34
174 173 ▼1 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 39:51
175 176 ▲1 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 41:47
176 175 ▼1 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 43:26

No_Ta_Doctor

I'm not sure I saw a true white feather worthy performance today. Rui Costa looked like he was making an attempt with his late solo attack, but unwisely failed to drop through the bunch quickly enough and ended up with the same time as the day's winner for his efforts. Poor show.

Instead, maybe the award should go to one of the senior road captains, the old dogs who know their tricks, who shepherded the gruppetto to a pretty tasty 18' 37'' - nearly 80% of the lanterne's time at the stage start. For this I nominate wily old fox Michael Mørkøv.

pinno

@ NoTaDoc: You're underestimating the strategic and tactical brilliance of the some of the LR big hitters.
Apart from today's rolling stage which kicked off form the off, there's been scant opportunity for big time gaps. It's been all marginal gains until now. Oh and that TTT; what a sham. What were the organisers thinking if they wanted a competitive spectacle - not a sniff of proper action.

However, tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is another day and it's lumpier than French street sign - Asgreen will tell you.
Tomorrow's stage opens up a world of opportunities. You watch as those LR guys string the autobus out, a small gap between each rider, 50 in the chase. That's err... kilometers in front if you get on the back of that chain gang.
I think, given the current gaps at the front of the classification, it's hotting up. MØRKØV can send Alaphililipe down the road as a muse and propel himself to stardom.

No_Ta_Doctor

A mountain stage is a bunch sprint for the lanterne rouge. If the gruppetto captains are experienced they should be coming in just inside the time cut. Making a break for it is exceptionally difficult.

bm5

Surely Vivianni made an unforgivable mistake today. He could so easily have made up for yesterday if he had hung back those 2 extra places.
I have just seen the itv highlights program today but it was good to hear Mr Imlach acknowledge Offredo's achievement so far. He even ventured his prediction for tomorrow (a lead of over an hour).

Lanterne_Rogue

BM5 wrote:

Surely Vivianni made an unforgivable mistake today.

No time bonuses in this year's tour, so as long as he sat up early and didn't let anyone slip off him in the run in he wasn't risking anything, and it's always good to let allies take the stage win where you can - you never know when they might work for you later.

Pross

My man Rowe showing poor form this year,losing around 10 minutes to his rivals today. Some of the other teams seem to have sussed his tactics and are riding on the front in his place. That said it looks like the Taffia are doing their thing and Thomas will sacrifice himself soon by taking yellow so that Rowe can spend hours dragging the bunch along before making concerted efforts to gain time off the back.

ShutupJens

Pross wrote:

My man Rowe showing poor form this year,losing around 10 minutes to his rivals today. Some of the other teams seem to have sussed his tactics and are riding on the front in his place. That said it looks like the Taffia are doing their thing and Thomas will sacrifice himself soon by taking yellow so that Rowe can spend hours dragging the bunch along before making concerted efforts to gain time off the back.

The DQS rider that he took over from must have done well, he looked thoroughly miserable and was riding almost impossibly slowly it seemed

Lanterne_Rogue

And so to the plank of the pretty Phils, although there's only really Phils Gilbert and Liggett that I can think of from the top of my head and they don't really do it for me if I'm totally honest, plank or no plank. As the first stage that could plausibly be claimed to be mountainous, albeit rather funsize ones, this stage had long been marked as one that would bring some clarity to the Lanterne Rouge.

The story of the stage was that plenty of riders had been placed on punishment duty and forced to make an effort early on. None of them were a particular threat on LR and so the bunch saw no point in making them work harder than usual. The psychological pressure of this continued lack of action eventually told on Dylan Teuns, who took the stage, and Madge "Giulio" Ciccone who was touched for the very first time and striking a pose (Vosges) went on to simultaneously grab yellow and massively annoy me for having made the Madonna joke the day before. The secret of comedy is timing, kids, as anyone who's tried to write these reports for La Course when the sodding results only go down to tenth place can attest.

On the underall Backaert lost a little time to Jens The Busker and Offredo bar (still just 10p), presumably due to a late gap opening up on the final ramp - all three broke through the psychologically important hour mark today. Maxi Richeze appears to be gaining, or rather losing, momentum and Magnus Cort's wonky finger means that he now lies just outside the top ten. Cees Bol enters the top ten after a fine ride, MRKV (dunno why they cross the Os out rather than deleting them like a normal person) rises a place, and Martin and Hanging Chad both lost ground.

Today also saw the first abandonments. Patrick Bevan's broken ribs turned out to be too serious for even a token tilt at the Lanterne and he failed to start, whereas Nicholas Edet was spat out the back promisingly early with the kind of pallor that implied he wished he rode for AG2R, or at least had borrowed their shorts, only to climb off 50km or so later.

Finally, some adminstrivia from yesterday, where the white feather has gone to Rui Costa on the basis that nobody else was actually nominated. This sort of accidental victory is the sort of stuff Lanterne's are made of. Any suggestions for today's award gratefully received...

Like a Virgin:

165 MICHAEL MØRKØV 26 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 52' 42'' + 00H 23' 39'' - -
166 ELIA VIVIANI 28 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 52' 45'' + 00H 23' 42'' - -
167 CEES BOL 143 TEAM SUNWEB 04H 53' 01'' + 00H 23' 58'' - -
168 MAGNUS CORT NIELSEN 77 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 53' 13'' + 00H 24' 10'' - -
169 JENS DEBUSSCHERE 182 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 53' 18'' + 00H 24' 15'' - -
170 ALEXANDER KRISTOFF 126 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04H 53' 23'' + 00H 24' 20'' - -
171 MAXIMILIANO RICHEZE 27 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 04H 54' 24'' + 00H 25' 21'' - -
172 NICCOLÒ BONIFAZIO 172 TOTAL DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 54' 24'' + 00H 25' 21'' - -
173 CHRISTOPHE LAPORTE 151 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 04H 58' 41'' + 00H 29' 38'' - -
174 ANTHONY PEREZ 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 04H 58' 45'' + 00H 29' 42'' - -

Like a Virgin Train:

165 159 ▼6 BOL Cees Team Sunweb 57:27
166 172 ▲6 SCULLY Tom EF Education First 57:43
167 170 ▲3 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 58:38
168 168 - GROENEWEGEN Dylan Team Jumbo-Visma 58:46
169 174 ▲5 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 58:49
170 169 ▼1 MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 58:51
171 164 ▼7 RICHEZE Maximiliano Deceuninck - Quick Step 59:36
172 175 ▲3 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:00:09
173 173 - DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:02:09
174 176 ▲2 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:04:36

Lanterne_Rogue

Sorry everyone - blame me. It's my wife's birthday tonight and I promised not to spend too long doing this, so slipped Valverde a fiver and made him swear not to launch a tour winning attack from 200km out. As his weightloss has now accelerated to the point where he's a celestial being of pure light I figured this was now a very real possibility.

Anyone who managed to keep their eyes open (PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, VAN LADYGARDEN - we all saw what happened even if you didn't) would have seen Offredo and Risotto show everyone how a proper LR break is supposed to work. Left out in front after failing to realise nobody has shouted 'Simon says attack!' the lack of racing was so palpable as to make even calling today "Stage 7" veer dangerously close to hyperbole.

After the sprinters' teams finally realised that they could have been in the bar hours ago if only they'd done some work a host of riders slipped off the back. Offredo and Risotto made the most of it, of course, but a few unfamiliar names also dabbled with the Lanterne including Nicholas Roche, Kwiatkowski, and tasteful bearded guitar-plucker and apparent cow-lover Jose Goncalves, although the latter will be gone in a Heartbeat.

On the overall Offredo has taken even more time to draw nearly seven minutes clear, and is showing dangerous signs of starting to shut this competition down. Magnus Cort's dicky finger is still having massive aero effects, Tony Martin and Chad Haga likewise clawed back time on the Busker, who like Maxi Richeze drew the short straw this morning and had to work for a sprinter - or in Richeze's case because Viviani really, really wanted to watch a sprint.

As you lot are showing all the enthusiasm in the White Feather that the concept encapsulates, we might as well lob today's toward Martin for a textbook example of chasing/not chasing before rolling in looking surprisingly fresh.

All Saints:

165 MARC SOLER 67 MOVISTAR TEAM 06H 05' 57'' + 00H 03' 13'' - -
166 ANTHONY PEREZ 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 06H 05' 57'' + 00H 03' 13'' - -
167 ALESSANDRO DE MARCHI 113 CCC TEAM 06H 05' 57'' + 00H 03' 13'' - -
168 STÉPHANE ROSSETTO 157 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 06H 06' 57'' + 00H 04' 13'' - -
169 MICHAL KWIATKOWSKI 4 TEAM INEOS 06H 06' 57'' + 00H 04' 13'' - -
170 JOSÉ GONÇALVES 184 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 06H 06' 57'' + 00H 04' 13'' - -
171 LUKAS PÖSTLBERGER 17 BORA - HANSGROHE 06H 07' 09'' + 00H 04' 25'' - -
172 ROHAN DENNIS 44 BAHRAIN - MERIDA 06H 07' 09'' + 00H 04' 25'' - -
173 NICOLAS ROCHE 148 TEAM SUNWEB 06H 07' 09'' + 00H 04' 25'' - -
174 YOANN OFFREDO 196 WANTY - GOBERT CYCLING TEAM 06H 07' 09'' + 00H 04' 25'' - -

No Sprints:

165 171 ▲6 RICHEZE Maximiliano Deceuninck - Quick Step 59:36
166 159 ▼7 CUMMINGS Steve Team Dimension Data 59:39
167 172 ▲5 BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:00:09
168 161 ▼7 ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:00:21
169 162 ▼7 TERPSTRA Niki Team Total Direct Energie 1:00:26
170 164 ▼6 CORT Magnus Astana Pro Team 1:00:38
171 167 ▼4 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 1:01:51
172 169 ▼3 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:02:02
173 173 - DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:02:09
174 174 - OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:09:01

bm5

Problem today was the whole 174 riders trying too hard in this competition. All trying to outdo each other and take as much time as they could. Someone ** then spread panic about the time the hotels closed checkin and there was a charge to the buses. This allowed our valiant leader to show his true panache.

** The Wanty DS I suspect

pblakeney

Offredo getting most competitive rider whilst maintaining the Lanterne Rouge.
Now that's what I call panache!

specialgueststar

PBlakeney wrote:

Offredo getting most competitive rider whilst maintaining the Lanterne Rouge.
Now that's what I call panache!

.

Master class

I like the comment above. Some riders had a jour avec

mididoctors

Pross wrote:

My man Rowe showing poor form this year,losing around 10 minutes to his rivals today. Some of the other teams seem to have sussed his tactics and are riding on the front in his place. That said it looks like the Taffia are doing their thing and Thomas will sacrifice himself soon by taking yellow so that Rowe can spend hours dragging the bunch along before making concerted efforts to gain time off the back.

Classic one two. Old skool tactics still work

blazing_saddles

The current lantern rouge looks as if he's going to struggle to avoid being hors delay, today.
Getting tailed off on the first climb.
So, he's either going out or going to get a huge lead in the competition.

Lanterne_Rogue

Blazing Saddles wrote:

The current lantern rouge looks as if he's going to struggle to avoid being hors delay, today.
Getting tailed off on the first climb.
So, he's either going out or going to get a huge lead in the competition.

Apparently he fell sick overnight.

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

Blazing Saddles wrote:

The current lantern rouge looks as if he's going to struggle to avoid being hors delay, today.
Getting tailed off on the first climb.
So, he's either going out or going to get a huge lead in the competition.

Apparently he fell sick overnight.

Same shït, different Edet.

Lanterne_Rogue

Just a heads-up; I'm having some culture inflicted upon me tonight so the report will be up a little late.

above_the_cows

Nice to see Mr Nibbles commit to the prize that really matters.

He's got a way to go though. Still it's never too late as they say.

mididoctors

underlayunderlay wrote:

Just a heads-up; I'm having some culture inflicted upon me tonight so the report will be up a little late.

enjoy. will wait in anticipation

specialgueststar

Offredo piling on time quicker than Ullrich going through mamas Apple strudel

pblakeney

Offredo going back to basics following yesterday's panache.

Lanterne_Rogue

So there's this girl who dresses as a boy and a girl falls in love with her for trying to get her together with another boy and the boy kinds fancies the girl he thinks is a boy and then her brother turns up and everyone's confused because they look the same despite the fact that she's clearly pencilled her moustache on and then at some point my kids were dancing with the actors on the stage because Shakespeare and panto are exactly the same thing to them AND IT STILL MADE MORE SENSE THAN ANYTHING EF EDUCATION FIRST OR ASTANA DID IN THAT STAGE.

In the competition that matters though it's amazingly "as you were" despite a couple of abandons. Teejay van Ladygarden broke his hand yesterday and didn't start because he was apparently unable to ride slowly, which is proof that somebody with a sense of humour wrote the press release, and Christophe Laporte climbed off during the stage itself. That meant the riders high on LR moved up despite going nowhere.

The parcours today was a tough one and likely to result in a large bunch finishing together, and with Offredo apparently struggling with stomach illness the main suspense was whether there was likely to be an hors delai (supply your favourite version of the obvious jokes from previous years) timing out our leader. As it was Offredo finished well down but safely in a final pairing with long term Lanterne crowd favourite Lar "Sytting" Bak to tighten his grip still further. Most of the other big names kept quiet and finished in a large group 26 minutes or so down, although I noticed Chad Haga slowing down the front of the race to ensure the break stayed away. Michael MRKV manages to slip into the top ten along with Scully due to Terpstra and Cort enduring jours avec.

Elsewhere a few other riders showed flashes of inspiration. Simon Clarke showed his ability to pull a perfect track stand to lose time, albeit far too late in the race to affect anything, Nibali showed what happens when a shark stops swimming, and Michael Woods nearly claimed a perfect strike after bowling through pretty much all of Team Ineos.

Talking of Team Ineos there was a brief rumour doing the rounds that they'd joined the ranks of teams experimenting with collapsible bikes in an effort to get Luke Rowe higher up the standings (see below), but it later turned out to have snapped in a fight to give Geraint Thomas a replacement bike. Apparently most of Ineos fancied the chance to sit down and have a breather and things got a little fractious as everyone competed to hand theirs over - this only goes to show the folly of having multiple leaders for the boring mountains whilst not letting people indulge their own ambitions for LR when the opportunities arise.

Pictured - the solution to difficult and fiddly internal cable routing:



The white feather goes to Bak for daring to ride behind Offredo in what must have been difficult circumstances. Join us tomorrow, when we're promised a chambles just 17km in and I might share my mate's joke about St Ettienne if he gets chance to tell me, although unfortunately every time I remember to ask he's on the phone.


Love's Labours Lost:

163 ELIA VIVIANI 28 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
164 STEPHEN CUMMINGS 203 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
165 ALEXANDER KRISTOFF 126 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
166 MICHAEL MØRKØV 26 DECEUNINCK - QUICK - STEP 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
167 JENS DEBUSSCHERE 182 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
168 AIME DE GENDT 193 WANTY - GOBERT CYCLING TEAM 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
169 ALEXIS GOUGEARD 36 AG2R LA MONDIALE 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
170 BENOIT COSNEFROY 33 AG2R LA MONDIALE 05H 26' 49'' + 00H 26' 32'' - -
171 YOANN OFFREDO 196 WANTY - GOBERT CYCLING TEAM 05H 30' 01'' + 00H 29' 44'' - -
172 LARS BAK YTTING 202 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 05H 30' 01'' + 00H 29' 44'' - -

Love's Labours Last:

163 161 ▼2 MØRKØV Michael Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:25:20
164 164 - SCULLY Tom EF Education First 1:25:47
165 165 - RICHEZE Maximiliano Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:26:05
166 166 - CUMMINGS Steve Team Dimension Data 1:26:08
167 167 - BACKAERT Frederik Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:26:38
168 168 - ASGREEN Kasper Deceuninck - Quick Step 1:26:50
169 171 ▲2 MARTIN Tony Team Jumbo-Visma 1:28:20
170 172 ▲2 HAGA Chad Team Sunweb 1:28:31
171 173 ▲2 DEBUSSCHERE Jens Team Katusha Alpecin 1:28:38
172 174 ▲2 OFFREDO Yoann Wanty - Gobert Cycling Team 1:38:42

RichN95.

underlay, surely Offredo leading the way, possibly for a while, this offers a perfect opportunity for one of your literary pastiches. In this case the currently very fashionable The Handmaid's Tale.

above_the_cows

underlayunderlay wrote:

he's on the phone.

I was waiting for this!