Really disappointed with my first Sportive performance

Matthewfalle

i had my knee joint lining stitched together.

the first time i played football afterwards i did an elgant Cruyff turn and every stitch ripped itself out one by one.

that hurt a bit

full acl & mcl rupture happening together also smarted a bit.


#vomitwithpain

mrb123

giropaul wrote:

Might I respectfully suggest an edit for your report?

“ I rode in a 60 mile organised event called a sportive. I’m delighted that I completed the whole 60 miles. I enjoyed some great scenery and met some lovely people. I got some excellent advice from one or two fellow riders. I think that I gained experience and confidence
I appreciate that sportive are not competitive, or timed ( except for the rider themselves), but I’m hoping that by improving my fitness, riding skills in big groups and confidence that I will be able to ride longer and faster in the future.
I’m really looking forward to my next chance to ride and learn. Who knows where this could lead - I’m excited, and I’ll be looking for a local club to gain experience with”

Same ride, different perspective.

The day of my first sportive arrived. In my excitement I jumped out of bed, only to stand on a piece of lego. I stumbled forward and badly stubbed my toe on the bed.

I staggered downstairs to find the mother in law coming through the front door, paying us a surprise visit. Noticing the look of anguish on my face, my wife delivered a swift kick in the nuts.

Finally arriving at the start of the race, I badly caught my penis on my zip as I tried to get changed in the back of the car. Then I managed to inflict a nasty papercut on myself as I was putting my race number on.

The ride itself was an absolute nightmare, windy from start to finish and I manged to make myself sick as a dog by forcing down a load of disgusting tasting gels. For some reason I was even slower than I am on my usual, much shorter, training rides (though I don't normally go out if it's windy).

To add insult to injury, when I got home I went on to a bike forum to whinge about it but rather than offering sympathy they all just took the piss.

I then gave birth, which wasn't too bad.

Freelikethewind

What have I started?!
I will admit, as a seasoned runner, that there is a certain pain to cycling which I find it hard to hack.
Why doesn't running fitness translate to cycling fitness and vice versa?
I can run 7 minute miles over 10k, hurts but I'm fine, yet I cry on hard climbs on a longer cycle!
It's so brutal, I don't understand :?

webboo

I thought from my days when I ran 7 minute miles equalled the biking equivalent of stopping for a picnic every 10 miles.

Bumo_b

I'm the opposite, trying Triathlon and have started running a bit. Absolutely slow as hell and hurts like hell in the joints and shins. Mostly different muscles used and the way you bring them into play apparently. The fitness you carry over from running to cycling will be cardiovascular etc rather than muscular if my experience of the reverse is true.

kingrollo

Painful experience.

Realising I couldnt afford the bianchi

ugo.santalucia

keef66 wrote:

The most painful was passing a gallstone. That had me tachycardic and carted off in an ambulance. Why do we need nerves anywhere near our gall-bladders??

Legitimate question... one for evolution to sort out

slowmart

Done the gall bladder and that was painful.

Having a spiral fracture of the tib & fib and declining morphine for gas while my leg was reset. That wasn’t one of my best life decisions and proved painful.

But absolutelyfuckingundisputednumerouno most painful life experience is being drybuttfucked by HM Revenue & Customs. Their metaphorical dildo is large, hard and unforgiving and won’t stop buttfuckingyou until you submit to their will.

Since they have more legal powers of entry than plod it’s a pointless exercise of evasion compounded by mrs slowmart declining to buy a motor home and go on a round the world trip with the family cats and bikes and corresponding note to HMRC.

Darius_Jedburgh

Try peeing blood. I had a bladder infection. Started peeing blood. Drop by drop. Sat on the loo for over an hour crying my eyes out. Absolutely intense pain. Phoned doc who told me to go to surgery. Wife drove me in soaking wet pyjamas. Doc went into overdrive realising he should have come to me. Pills and tablets galore. Cured me but I never want to go there again.

The pain of riding a bike cannot compare, even if "only" doing 15mph.

mrb123

Torsion of the testicle was pretty unpleasant.

pilot_pete

Many moons ago I had an ingrowing toe nail. Went to GP who sent me to the local hospital to have the minor surgery to remove the ‘nail spike’ that was growing out through the end of my big toe and to have the edge of the nail bed trimmed and killed to stop further growth.

Pair of big tubby old nurses did the job. Huge strong rubber band wrapped really tightly around my toe which stopped blood flow completely and made my toe go white. All the time I was sat in what can be described as a dentists chair with a leg raise foot rest.

As she started to push the blunt nosed instrument under my nail to raise the nail away from the bed I went into a cold sweat. The pain was horrendous. She prized the whole corner away from the bed and then use a pair of needle nosed clippers to cut a straight edge down the nail where it curves into the bed. She then used a pair of needle nosed pliers to pull the cut nail out from the corner bed back over, which bought the nail spike out with it. I had asked her to stop a couple of times; I was sweating profusely and felt like I was going to faint. The two nurses were making comments about what a softie I was. That was until the operation was complete and then one of them realised that the syringe with the anaesthetic in was lying unused in a Petrie dish on the side...

Holy shit that hurt! I’d rather do Winnats Pass on hill repeats, and that’s saying something...!

PP

shirley_basso

Holy fark. Literally toenails pulled out with pliers

PhilipPirrip

Shirley Basso wrote:

Holy fark. Literally toenails pulled out with pliers

Get frostbite in your feet and they fall off naturally but the defrosting and gangrene can be a bugger.

Anyway, no such thing as disappointment to be had on a bicycle. All time spent in the saddle is time well spent.

surfercyclist

I had some sun damaged skin on my head removed with liquid nitrogen, it was fine until about 5 minutes later when I walked out of GPs and it thawed out. Holy f@~* it hurt!

Matthewfalle

stabbing a whitlow in the end of one of the MF's fingers with a hypodermic nearly made one of the MFs vomit once.

#fuggin'hellthathurts

crescent

Pilot Pete wrote:

Many moons ago I had an ingrowing toe nail. Went to GP who sent me to the local hospital to have the minor surgery to remove the ‘nail spike’ that was growing out through the end of my big toe and to have the edge of the nail bed trimmed and killed to stop further growth.

Pair of big tubby old nurses did the job. Huge strong rubber band wrapped really tightly around my toe which stopped blood flow completely and made my toe go white. All the time I was sat in what can be described as a dentists chair with a leg raise foot rest.

As she started to push the blunt nosed instrument under my nail to raise the nail away from the bed I went into a cold sweat. The pain was horrendous. She prized the whole corner away from the bed and then use a pair of needle nosed clippers to cut a straight edge down the nail where it curves into the bed. She then used a pair of needle nosed pliers to pull the cut nail out from the corner bed back over, which bought the nail spike out with it. I had asked her to stop a couple of times; I was sweating profusely and felt like I was going to faint. The two nurses were making comments about what a softie I was. That was until the operation was complete and then one of them realised that the syringe with the anaesthetic in was lying unused in a Petrie dish on the side...

Holy shoot that hurt! I’d rather do Winnats Pass on hill repeats, and that’s saying something...!

PP

I suffered from several ingrown toenails as a teenager and have a similar experience. The actual condition made it eye watering just trying to pull a sock over it but the removal was a nightmare. I left a sweaty body print on the chair when I stood up - vomit inducing pain, not helped by the "pull yourself together" attitude of the nurse. There is a reason why pulling nails is used as torture - I would have confessed to anything just to make it stop. The nail bed was then treated with Phenol to burn out the roots, that was the gift that just kept giving - awful.

Wayne Plunger

Crescent wrote:

Pilot Pete wrote:

Many moons ago I had an ingrowing toe nail. Went to GP who sent me to the local hospital to have the minor surgery to remove the ‘nail spike’ that was growing out through the end of my big toe and to have the edge of the nail bed trimmed and killed to stop further growth.

Pair of big tubby old nurses did the job. Huge strong rubber band wrapped really tightly around my toe which stopped blood flow completely and made my toe go white. All the time I was sat in what can be described as a dentists chair with a leg raise foot rest.

As she started to push the blunt nosed instrument under my nail to raise the nail away from the bed I went into a cold sweat. The pain was horrendous. She prized the whole corner away from the bed and then use a pair of needle nosed clippers to cut a straight edge down the nail where it curves into the bed. She then used a pair of needle nosed pliers to pull the cut nail out from the corner bed back over, which bought the nail spike out with it. I had asked her to stop a couple of times; I was sweating profusely and felt like I was going to faint. The two nurses were making comments about what a softie I was. That was until the operation was complete and then one of them realised that the syringe with the anaesthetic in was lying unused in a Petrie dish on the side...

Holy shoot that hurt! I’d rather do Winnats Pass on hill repeats, and that’s saying something...!

PP

I suffered from several ingrown toenails as a teenager and have a similar experience. The actual condition made it eye watering just trying to pull a sock over it but the removal was a nightmare. I left a sweaty body print on the chair when I stood up - vomit inducing pain, not helped by the "pull yourself together" attitude of the nurse. There is a reason why pulling nails is used as torture - I would have confessed to anything just to make it stop. The nail bed was then treated with Phenol to burn out the roots, that was the gift that just kept giving - awful.

It looks as if giving birth is definitely a piece of cake compared to this toe nail malarky!

pilot_pete

There’s a joke about which is worse pain, childbirth or a kick in the nuts.

Obviously it is a kick in the nuts because how many men who have been kicked in the nuts ask for another one a year or two later!

PP

Bumo_b

I believe some men pay good money from some aggressively dressed women to be kicked in the nuts regularly so not sure the statement holds out too well (I'd rather upgrade my wheelset).
Painting a fence 10 years ago I got kreosote in my eye, that really hurt, plus welding like a dumbarse I got arc eye, both extremely unpleasant indeed and have caused me no end of grief since

step83

Cycling accident some years ago I cracked my pelvis amongst a whole host of other breaks, anyway was suggested to help strengthen the joint to do weighted exercise.
Basically the hip dislocated mid stride my foot hit the ground an I can't remember what happened after. I either whited out from pain or knocked myself out when I ended up in a heap on the floor. Livened up the park run no end apparently though!

pilot_pete

Step83 wrote:

Cycling accident some years ago I cracked my pelvis amongst a whole host of other breaks, anyway was suggested to help strengthen the joint to do weighted exercise.
Basically the hip dislocated mid stride my foot hit the ground an I can't remember what happened after. I either whited out from pain or knocked myself out when I ended up in a heap on the floor. Livened up the park run no end apparently though!

Oooowwww!

I went over the bars once a couple of years ago, on my bloody birthday! Landed, head, shoulder back flapping down hard like a pancake. Someone in the group said it sounding like a gun going off - that was my collar bone. Two ribs as well and I laid in a heap on the ground quite literally with the wind kicked out of my sails - I couldn’t breath, like a kid when you have a right hard cry that empties your lungs!

Took me 10 minutes to get up, another 5 pacing around and leaning on a farm gate etc in real pain. We were in the middle of nowhere. Had to get back on the bike and then ride the hardest 7 miles of my life to civilisation and a bit of refuge when an ambulance was called. It was 5 degrees and damp. I was a bit wet, going hypothermic as I couldn’t get my heart rate to go above 80bpm (shock I guess) and any uphill (even 1% gradient) I was in bottom gear being pushed. Oh that hurt, but not as bad as being discharged from A&E with a sling and nothing else.

Wife drove me home (agony going round every roundabout or over any bump in the road). Sat me on the sofa and within an hour I was virtually immobile. Called the GP who said that I would have been discharged with 3 days worth of heavy pain relief drugs, to which my wife replied, “no, they’ve given him a sling”. Prescription picked up and pain killers fed to me.

Stupidly I tried to go to bed (they never offered any advice about maybe sleeping propped up on the sofa by cushions). Wife got me into bed and 6hrs later I awoke in exactly the same position, unable to move from the pain - I couldn’t roll, turn, lift my head, anything. Wife had very generously gone to sleep in the spare room. I couldn’t breath, certainly couldn’t shout, so banged on the headboard which got the dog barking downstairs than god.

Took the wife 30 mins to move me - she eventually had the great idea of slipping a sheet under me, sliding it up to my shoulders and down to my waist and then taking the two ends to haul me up in one go. I sat on the edge of the bed crying with the pain it was so bad. Spent the next two weeks sleeping sat upright with cushions on the sofa. Back on the bike in three weeks though!

PP

webboo

How long before “ Broken pelvis that’s nowt. Fractured my skull rode home, cooked dinner for 10 guests before walking 20 miles to A&E in the snow”

shirley_basso

Surely it would be "in't snow" if you're saying things like "nowt"?

crescent

Webboo wrote:

How long before “ Broken pelvis that’s nowt. Fractured my skull rode home, cooked dinner for 10 guests before walking 20 miles to A&E in the snow”

You had it easy....etc etc

step83

Crescent wrote:

Webboo wrote:

How long before “ Broken pelvis that’s nowt. Fractured my skull rode home, cooked dinner for 10 guests before walking 20 miles to A&E in the snow”

You had it easy....etc etc

Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Alejandrosdog

i was once coming down a mountain in France when a bit of metal flicked up and embedded itself in my eye at the exact same time as a herd of coows were chased onto the road by the reintroduced wolves. cows and bells everywhere, blind in one eye i was knocked of my bike which shot out from under me and under the hooves of the stampeding herd.

Fortunately id been watching a black and white cowboy film earlier that day so used the same red indian moves to roll on top of a stampedeing cow. It was touch and go especially when the cows horn took out my other eye.

Well i rode those dooggys hard down to the cattle grid and almost got over before the inevitable. A ton of prime beef doesnt stop instantly and the force snapped the body from the legs and sent it careering down the side of the mountain. If id had eyes i could have looked back and seen them sticking up out of the cattle grid. As it was i channeled my inner warrior and surfed that bad boy down to the chalet.

I got off the cow, my eyes now puffed up and covering the sockets. I could almost hear my wife voice in my head

I wanna see your baby browns! Alejandro, what happened to your eye and don’t tell me it was another bike accident!

i didnt bother with the doctor, i just made an eye patch from the hide of the cow and we had the best cuts for a bbq. Oh how we laughed as we made pirate jokes into the night.

Matthewfalle

I once gave myself a sacral spiral fracture putting on a 60kg bergan then had to tab for a further day (with belt kit and gat) to get home.

couldn't feel my legs and it bloody hurt.

#notforclubbies

surfercyclist

Pity Froome doesn't frequent these pages, pretty sure he's now got a tale of pain....

imposter2.0

SurferCyclist wrote:

Pity Froome doesn't frequent these pages, pretty sure he's now got a tale of pain....

We don't know that he doesn't...

surfercyclist

Matthewfalle wrote:

I once gave myself a sacral spiral fracture putting on a 60kg bergan then had to tab for a further day (with belt kit and gat) to get home

Haha Milemunchers VITB.