Head gone

Tashman

handful wrote:

Not wishing to hijack the thread or a anything but I could see some very familiar thoughts and feelings to what I've experienced this year. I have always had a stressful job but the last couple of years have become "stupid" with regard to hours and pressure to the point I was looking around for something else on the advice of the OH, family and friends. Then I suffered the loss of my mum back in May which was really tough. Then I had a health scare (suspected prostate cancer) which resulted in several weeks of waiting for an MRI followed by a biopsy followed by another wait for the results. Thankfully and to my massive relief the test proved negative but that really took it's toll on me.

Just as this was happening I was given some choices at work, one of which was redundancy. although it's a scary proposition being out of work in my mid 50s I have chosen that option as it will buy me some time to have a break and find something else and sort my head out. I have always thought myself to be a calm person that can handle pressure very well but I have to admit things were getting on top of me, much like you. I'm only 1 week into being "unemployed" so far but loving every minute and adapting to it quite nicely. It's just a shame about the time of year after such a fantastic summer!

My message is really to hang on in there and keep doing what you're doing, talk and don't let things continue the way they are. Well done for what you've achieved so far in your journey. Take care.

No problem with Hijacking. Starting this has helped me immensely and if it creates a platform for others to share where they are or give advice then it's something positive from a pretty crappy starting point. Glad you're making strides. I'm getting there 1 step at a time.
Been very tempted to apply for an admin position at a local brewery but really couldn't cope with halving the salary

slowbike

Tashman wrote:

Been very tempted to apply for an admin position at a local brewery but really couldn't cope with halving the salary

But think of the benefits!


Not necessarily this job - but you could ... apply for the job to take on full pay but part time hours ... assuming it's a task base job that doesn't require full time attendance - then you could get another part time job to top up the money - or go riding ...

Wheelspinner

Thank you Tashman for your courage, and believe it or not, your generosity in posting this thread. You may never know, but I'd bet there's at least a few readers here who now realise they aren't the only ones in the position you were, and will use the advice and inspiration here to seek help too.

Great work that man.

navrig2

What a brave thread to start and what fantastic advice!!

Well done.

Find people to talk to. Your wife is the obvious start but someone neutral to your relationships is great.

Don't suffer alone and don't forget that exercise is a boost to the head.

Tashman

First day back in the office today after a 3 week hiatus after being upgraded from anxious to depressed. Do Clintons do a card for that?
I had a complete loss of function 3 weeks ago about an hour after getting to work. Had I been at home it may not have happened, but also I was in a state of mind where it may have had more consequence. As it was I walked myself across to the A&E and in between sobbing asked for help. The service was great. i was taken away from general public into a cubicle to wait for a MH professional. I actually fell aslepp at this point such was my exhaustion. The psychologist that saw me was patient without being condescending and has set me on a programme of managing things. I'm seeing my GP again regularly and have meds to help my mood. I'm also under a community MH practitioner as well as a work based support. I am making changes to things as simple as my bed time routine as this seems to potentially be a trigger for me.
Today has been uneventful and like nothing has ever happened apart from some sympathetic words from a couple of colleagues.

Help is there people. During my time off I also used the opportunity and the unseasonal nice weather to stretch my legs a bit more as well as searching for new work.

I really hope that this thread is still providing helpful for others, and I really am greatful for the support of all of you out there.

bondurant

Good for you Tashman and well done to all that have had the courage to share.

Matthewfalle

Stay strong T/Man - always here for you. Drop a line if you need to.

M.

venster

Well done - the hardest thing is admitting you have a problem and asking for help. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - that's not my intention.

I was diagnosed with severe depression earlier this year and had 3 1/2 months off work (I have a very good employer and occupational health system) and have only just started to go back at a reduced capacity slowly building it up.

I knew there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it - it was my wife who made me do something about it, and I am glad she did. I never thought anything like this would happen to me, but remember 'It's the curse of the strong' - which is also a title of a book by Dr Tim Cantopher, which I'd recommend.

I'm not sure what dose of AD's you're on, but my first dose wasn't enough and upped it and have honestly not had a down day since then (6 weeks) - I am combining this with CBT which is very helpful. Also, be aware that you need to be on them for at least 6 months once you feel better - but I'm sure you have been told this.

I also gave up alcohol completely, I have tried drinking but mixed with the meds and it doesn't do me good. Heineken 0.0% isn't a bad drink for non-alcoholic !

It took me about a month after starting meds for my cycling mojo to come back, I do most of my riding on Zwift for now, as it was easy to just jump on the turbo rather than the hassle of getting dressed up - very hard when you have no motivation.

I thought I would just share my experience with you and say that there is light at the end of that tunnel.

Tashman

venster wrote:

Well done - the hardest thing is admitting you have a problem and asking for help. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - that's not my intention.

I was diagnosed with severe depression earlier this year and had 3 1/2 months off work (I have a very good employer and occupational health system) and have only just started to go back at a reduced capacity slowly building it up.

I knew there was something wrong but couldn't put my finger on it - it was my wife who made me do something about it, and I am glad she did. I never thought anything like this would happen to me, but remember 'It's the curse of the strong' - which is also a title of a book by Dr Tim Cantopher, which I'd recommend.

I'm not sure what dose of AD's you're on, but my first dose wasn't enough and upped it and have honestly not had a down day since then (6 weeks) - I am combining this with CBT which is very helpful. Also, be aware that you need to be on them for at least 6 months once you feel better - but I'm sure you have been told this.

I also gave up alcohol completely, I have tried drinking but mixed with the meds and it doesn't do me good. Heineken 0.0% isn't a bad drink for non-alcoholic !

It took me about a month after starting meds for my cycling mojo to come back, I do most of my riding on Zwift for now, as it was easy to just jump on the turbo rather than the hassle of getting dressed up - very hard when you have no motivation.

I thought I would just share my experience with you and say that there is light at the end of that tunnel.

Thanks for your thoughts, All seems fairly settled for me right now. i've adapted my night-time routine significantly and it seems to be paying dividends so far. No exhaustion and falling asleep with relative ease. Whether that's the meds aiding the routine I don't know but it's helping me maintain a stable mindset at the minute.
I've been getting out and about on the bike which hass really helped. Weather is proving a problem now though so I'm about to resurect my turbo so I can keep the legs moving. I've just signed up to do the L2B again too to help me focus on an end product with my riding. Going to have a better time and complete the beacon this time around.

keef66

Glad to hear you're in a better place now. Stick with it and don't be too hasty to stop the ADs. Taken me nearly 15 years to work out what triggers my episodes, and find the right combination of meds, CBT, and a job I can cope with.

I too find at this time of year I can struggle with motivation to get out on the bike as much; it feels like there's just so much more gear to put on and the faff of remembering lights etc.

But when I do force myself to do it, even when the weather's less than perfect, the reward comes in the first few pedal strokes. And being out in the elements for an hour or two, especially if I come back soaked and knackered, gives me a real lift that lasts for hours afterwards.

Not sure I could stomach a turbo though...

Vino'sGhost

On the plus side now is a good time of year to lose weight before the serious training starts after Christmas

rick_chasey

Tashman - if it helps, it probably doesn't, what you describe is a fairly common occurrence for me.

I've more or less had that on and off ever since I started working.

I have definitely found finding a job which you actually do well in does help rather a lot. Easier said than done however.

Easy to feel trapped in a job when you're in it - i know I have for long stretches - but putting some feelers out and just trying other things I found helped a lot, even if it was just to let me know there is other stuff out there so I shouldn't worry so much.

part time waster

Well done for taking steps to move forward. I can't add much , except that a build up of caffeine and frequent sugar loaded snacks tips me over the edge. When I'm struggling with the day to day stuff it's tempting to grab a strong coffee or a chocolate bar. These put me on a roller coaster of heightened intensity .
I know we are all different , just wanted to share my experience, it's helps me manage the tough days.
Google has some info on sugar and male depression.
Do you ride with a club or a few mates who you could share your thoughts with ? Where in the U.K are you ? Maybe someone on here would be happy to go for a spin some time.
Good luck

Tashman

Thank you all for your support through this past few months. I really do appreciate the advice and support you've given.
Merry Christmas to you all and here's to a more "happy" 2019.

bigmitch41

Back at ya Tashman, Merry Christmas!

BelgianBeerGeek

BigMitch41 wrote:

Back at ya Tashman, Merry Christmas!

+1 from me. Sometimes you have to keep on keeping on. All the best for 2019, good times ( or at least more settled times ) are ahead.

Matthewfalle

we're all here to help dude - anything you need anytime just shout.

have a great Chrimbles!

Tashman

OK so been really struggling this week and just getting through. I then get home to find the Congratulations pack for Ride London 100. Never thought I'd get in as it's my first time in the ballot. Gave me such a huge lift. I've got something real to focus on now as I've never ridden enything like that far. Amazing how little things can make a big difference.

keef66

Excellent news! It can help a lot to have something to focus on and look forward to.

kingrollo

been in a pretty identical position - I used to throw up before work and often go home and break down in tears - 4 very long years this went on for - absolute hell on earth.

My advice

1.See a GP and get some medication - it probably won't cure you, but it will help you get a good nights sleep which will help.

2.Get counselling - talking to your family etc is a must - but only a trained counsellor will be able to understand.

3.Hang in there with the job - leaving through the bottom may in the short term seem like a way out - but then finding another job will be very difficult and you will find a reason not to apply or refuse any job. Get yourself calm and stable ish - then look for other jobs. I ended up taking a whacking pay cut - but I have never, ever, regretted it - and I became more careful with my money - and often wonder what I did with all the cash when I was earning a better salary.

4.Buy this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Thinking- ... art+living

5.One day you will get through this - even if its clinical depression in most case it doesn't go on forever

6.Avoid Alcohol

7.Keep busy - I found reading a great release - I sort of disappeared into a book what how I felt.

Best wishes mate. Tough times I know.

Tashman

kingrollo wrote:

been in a pretty identical position - I used to throw up before work and often go home and break down in tears - 4 very long years this went on for - absolute hell on earth.

My advice

1.See a GP and get some medication - it probably won't cure you, but it will help you get a good nights sleep which will help.

2.Get counselling - talking to your family etc is a must - but only a trained counsellor will be able to understand.

3.Hang in there with the job - leaving through the bottom may in the short term seem like a way out - but then finding another job will be very difficult and you will find a reason not to apply or refuse any job. Get yourself calm and stable ish - then look for other jobs. I ended up taking a whacking pay cut - but I have never, ever, regretted it - and I became more careful with my money - and often wonder what I did with all the cash when I was earning a better salary.

4.Buy this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Thinking- ... art+living

5.One day you will get through this - even if its clinical depression in most case it doesn't go on forever

6.Avoid Alcohol

7.Keep busy - I found reading a great release - I sort of disappeared into a book what how I felt.

Best wishes mate. Tough times I know.

Cheers Rollo, I'm on step 3 now. I'll have a look for the book, thanks. Alcohol has been reduced largely recently as I'm looking to lose a few kilos and I'm not really missing it. I'll have an ocasional rum but that's about it at the minute.
The reading/busy tip I can definitely second. I seem to be at my worst when I'm idle and have time to convince myself that everything is shoot. I always make a point of reading before lights out as it seems to help me switch off. I'm far more regimented with bedtime routine now too which seems to have helped.

Tashman

Just thought I'd update here briefly as I'm going through a low period at the minute, although nothing as low as when I started this thread. It's cathartic to put it out here as much as anything.

Some of what's in here may prove useful to others once again.

Been feeling pretty low again this past couple of weeks. I've noticed bad habits creeping back in that aren't helping me.I've not ridden since RL100 and am still carrying a shoulder injury sustained a couple of weeks before that. Because of this my sleep has been erratic, which for me is a trigger. I've also been breaking my self imposed screen ban at bed time.

I slept for 10 1/2 hours last night which may help reset myself. Fortunately my family have been understanding and allowed me to do this.

Work is again pulling me down having been reasonably meh to fine over the summer. I need to investigate getting out of here once more.

I need to make time to ride, read and switch off. I know this all helps me, and helps to control my weight which is creeping back up again. I need to stop buying crap food just because I'm within 100m of the shop. I need to re-establish a pattern that keeps me on the level.

Sorry for the ramble but it feels good to get it off my chest. Take care people.

slowbike

just a suggeston ...
Leave the payment methods at home - then you can't buy crap from the shop ...
or
when you walk past the shop - put a quid in the jar to pay for some treats

if you want to ban screentime at bed time but don't have the willpower - could you use the parental restrictions to restrict it?
Cycling with a shoulder injury ... can't help with that, sorry!

Getting out of work - yes - you're not the only one who needs to sort that out!

bondurant

Keep at it Tashman and good luck to you. Great that you know what you need to do.

keef66

Is it really the work that's dragging you down each time? Or is it the way you feel about it, react to it etc?

If there's something about the kind of work you do, the environment or the people that isn't going to change, then maybe you need to find a different job.

If on the other hand it's your own negative thoughts that start the downward spiral, maybe more counselling and CBT could help?

If you're like me, not feeling like riding the bike is one of the early signs of worsening mood. Would it help if you had a riding buddy? I'm usually a solitary rider, which suits me because it's the one place I feel in control of things, but maybe if I had somebody who came out for a weekly ride it would be something I'd stick to.

When I was really depressed, just talking to a counsellor about my feelings was about all I could manage. It was physically and emotionally draining.

Only later when the meds kicked in was I able to think about CBT. That was really helpful; turns out I've got into some really bad habits in terms of thinking the worst about nearly everything. And fearing bad outcomes I tend to put off doing things or making decisions, which in turn creates a constant backlog of stuff I know I should have done, missed deadlines, lies, guilt, self loathing etc and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Identifying those negative thoughts, actually writing them down and then challenging them was the starting point. A lot of them are trivial, irrational, or simply not true. It's very hard work, I need to stay vigilant, but at some stage I just need to bite the bullet and get on with stuff.

Tashman

keef66 wrote:

Is it really the work that's dragging you down each time? Or is it the way you feel about it, react to it etc?

If there's something about the kind of work you do, the environment or the people that isn't going to change, then maybe you need to find a different job.

If on the other hand it's your own negative thoughts that start the downward spiral, maybe more counselling and CBT could help?

If you're like me, not feeling like riding the bike is one of the early signs of worsening mood. Would it help if you had a riding buddy? I'm usually a solitary rider, which suits me because it's the one place I feel in control of things, but maybe if I had somebody who came out for a weekly ride it would be something I'd stick to.

When I was really depressed, just talking to a counsellor about my feelings was about all I could manage. It was physically and emotionally draining.

Only later when the meds kicked in was I able to think about CBT. That was really helpful; turns out I've got into some really bad habits in terms of thinking the worst about nearly everything. And fearing bad outcomes I tend to put off doing things or making decisions, which in turn creates a constant backlog of stuff I know I should have done, missed deadlines, lies, guilt, self loathing etc and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Identifying those negative thoughts, actually writing them down and then challenging them was the starting point. A lot of them are trivial, irrational, or simply not true. It's very hard work, I need to stay vigilant, but at some stage I just need to bite the bullet and get on with stuff.

Thanks for the reply Keef66, it's definitely the role here that is the issue. I've worked similar roles in other organisations without this feeling. I just need to find a way out.

I most often ride with a buddy or 2 at weekends and that really helps. THe injury has been a convenient get out. I rode the RL100 with the injury so a 20 mile spin on a sunny Sunday shouldn't be an issue. I just need to get the mojo back.

I've had counselling and it helped. However it was a fixed term coursethrough work, so I may need to look at another provision for that. One thing it has enabled me to do is recognise when it's worsening so I can tackle it head on.

I'm glad that you're in a position to deal with things now in a structured way. I'm getting there, I just need to take on some things as you said.

keef66

Don't know if it's declining testosterone, brain cells, or just part of the ageing process, but I definitely got worse as I got older. Stuff I used to do without a second thought when I was younger would freak me out these days. I'm now in the fortunate position at 62 of being made redundant. Sounds odd, but I couldn't believe my luck when the boss told me.

kingrollo

Tashman wrote:

keef66 wrote:

Is it really the work that's dragging you down each time? Or is it the way you feel about it, react to it etc?

If there's something about the kind of work you do, the environment or the people that isn't going to change, then maybe you need to find a different job.

If on the other hand it's your own negative thoughts that start the downward spiral, maybe more counselling and CBT could help?

If you're like me, not feeling like riding the bike is one of the early signs of worsening mood. Would it help if you had a riding buddy? I'm usually a solitary rider, which suits me because it's the one place I feel in control of things, but maybe if I had somebody who came out for a weekly ride it would be something I'd stick to.

When I was really depressed, just talking to a counsellor about my feelings was about all I could manage. It was physically and emotionally draining.

Only later when the meds kicked in was I able to think about CBT. That was really helpful; turns out I've got into some really bad habits in terms of thinking the worst about nearly everything. And fearing bad outcomes I tend to put off doing things or making decisions, which in turn creates a constant backlog of stuff I know I should have done, missed deadlines, lies, guilt, self loathing etc and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Identifying those negative thoughts, actually writing them down and then challenging them was the starting point. A lot of them are trivial, irrational, or simply not true. It's very hard work, I need to stay vigilant, but at some stage I just need to bite the bullet and get on with stuff.

Thanks for the reply Keef66, it's definitely the role here that is the issue. I've worked similar roles in other organisations without this feeling. I just need to find a way out.

I most often ride with a buddy or 2 at weekends and that really helps. THe injury has been a convenient get out. I rode the RL100 with the injury so a 20 mile spin on a sunny Sunday shouldn't be an issue. I just need to get the mojo back.

I've had counselling and it helped. However it was a fixed term coursethrough work, so I may need to look at another provision for that. One thing it has enabled me to do is recognise when it's worsening so I can tackle it head on.

I'm glad that you're in a position to deal with things now in a structured way. I'm getting there, I just need to take on some things as you said.

You have hung in there and done the job - even though you don't like what it is doing to you - take a bow young man - you should take strength from that fact - yes you could do the job - but you would rather not - there is nothing wrong with that its actually pretty common.

You refer to your employed as an 'organisation' - would I be right in thinking it is a large employer ? - If so would there be a chance of a different position with the same employer ?

These things have a habit of sorting themselves out in due course - I was in very similar position to yourself - I had got to a stage where grudgingly my employers accepted me how I was - it wasn't a total solution as I still felt like shite most days - then rumours surfaced of a massive re organisation - I was totally brickin it - especially as the geezer who was taking over my section was one of those 'No messing macho types' - anyway when the org charts came out, it showed vacant posts in another section - I just thought feck it - I marched into the directors office and I asked if I could move into one of those positions on health grounds - I told him I was happy to take a fairly big pay cut - so I moved never regretted it . My point is you never know where a solution to problems such as this will come from.

I don't think this time of year helps either, the holidays are mostly done, the nights are drawing in - have you thought of getting one of those sunlight lamps - I have one - and it did help a little bit.

One thing I can assure you of, I can tell by what you say - you will get through this - I promise you.

keef66

"You refer to your employed as an 'organisation' - would I be right in thinking it is a large employer ? - If so would there be a chance of a different position with the same employer ?"

Good point. That's what I did when I was at my lowest point. I had no choice but to be brutally honest with my boss about the situation and the likelihood of me effing things up and walking out, and to their credit they moved very quickly to get me into a less stressful / pressurised job, and a keen, talented youngster into my old one.

Tashman

Just resurrecting this thread in case it's of use to anyone else. I've been down a bit recently with health and a poorly implemented work restructure. This thread and the responses were a real help to me when I was at my lowest before, and the advice and support was critical in keeping me going and has meant I know how to help myself now.

Thank you all.

If you're in a bad way, please read back and heed the advice, there's always someone who will listen!