Arran's Agony Aunt Thread

arran77

sa0u823e wrote:

Why not play hide and seek? he can hide you can watch the football and then Arran doesn't do him any lasting damage. Everyone is a winner, except England at a guess

Dear Arran,

How should I approach a fashionable looking young lady when wearing lycra

I think there are two things to consider here.

Firstly what do you actually look like in Lycra and would you want to be seen wearing the stuff in the first place?

Secondly is the young lady in question nice looking or a bit cheap and tarty? If it's the former then you're probably not going to achieve anything anyway by flashing your manhood as she's probably more into reading poetry or something

Stevo_666

Dear Aunty Arran,

As we seem to have run into the 'Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse' again , we need to revive a girl related thread but I can't for the life of me find The Womble's 'Ding' thread. Any idea where the ****er has got to?

arran77

Stevo 666 wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

As we seem to have run into the 'Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse' again , we need to revive a girl related thread but I can't for the life of me find The Womble's 'Ding' thread. Any idea where the ****er has got to?

Ah yes, the Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse, harder to get through than a Nuns chastity belt

I too have been struggling to find the Womble Ding thread without success, it could well have also succumbed to recent 'cleansing'

In the meantime I suggest that attention is focused on the Big Girls thread, you seem to have been neglecting your duties recently :P

Stevo_666

arran77 wrote:

Stevo 666 wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

As we seem to have run into the 'Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse' again , we need to revive a girl related thread but I can't for the life of me find The Womble's 'Ding' thread. Any idea where the ****er has got to?

Ah yes, the Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse, harder to get through than a Nuns chastity belt

I too have been struggling to find the Womble Ding thread without success, it could well have also succumbed to recent 'cleansing'

In the meantime I suggest that attention is focused on the Big Girls thread, you seem to have been neglecting your duties recently :P

Quality not quantity But you are right in principle - support your local girls thread !

Flâneur

arran77 wrote:

I think there are two things to consider here.

Firstly what do you actually look like in Lycra and would you want to be seen wearing the stuff in the first place?

Secondly is the young lady in question nice looking or a bit cheap and tarty? If it's the former then you're probably not going to achieve anything anyway by flashing your manhood as she's probably more into reading poetry or something

I look as good as you can in lyrca if I am honest, do I want to be seen by others, not really.

Nice probably classy, Parisian air to her, guess a poetry book and not the bike is the answer.

Thanks auntie

pinno

sa0u823e wrote:

arran77 wrote:

I think there are two things to consider here.

Firstly what do you actually look like in Lycra and would you want to be seen wearing the stuff in the first place?

Secondly is the young lady in question nice looking or a bit cheap and tarty? If it's the former then you're probably not going to achieve anything anyway by flashing your manhood as she's probably more into reading poetry or something

I look as good as you can in lyrca if I am honest, do I want to be seen by others, not really.

Nice probably classy, Parisian air to her, guess a poetry book and not the bike is the answer.

Thanks auntie

What, not another chick using Eau Du Seine ?!

jjsh

Dear Aunty Arran,

Returning from work yesterday, I was greeted on the door mat by a letter from HMRC. My mood darkened as my trembling hands opened the envelope, but soon brightened when it turned out not to be a back-breaking underpayment demand, but a rather jolly overpayment refund.

As I was explaining to my other half that this was sufficient funds to allow the purchase of both a carbon hardtail, and a new Sunday best bike, she rather uncharacteristically interrupted me in fine flow, to explain that it might be better spent feeding and clothing the children.

I cannot explain how shocked with my situation I was at this point. What is it that can cause such selfishness in human beings?

I am confident that the night spent locked in the cellar with no food or water will have demonstrated to her the error or her ways, but where such radical feminist ideas are coming from troubles me. I suspect that it is probably some program on the telly, so will ban her from watching it, but could you suggest other possible causes so that we may return to a state of marital harmony?

arran77

JJSH wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

Returning from work yesterday, I was greeted on the door mat by a letter from HMRC. My mood darkened as my trembling hands opened the envelope, but soon brightened when it turned out not to be a back-breaking underpayment demand, but a rather jolly overpayment refund.

As I was explaining to my other half that this was sufficient funds to allow the purchase of both a carbon hardtail, and a new Sunday best bike, she rather uncharacteristically interrupted me in fine flow, to explain that it might be better spent feeding and clothing the children.

I cannot explain how shocked with my situation I was at this point. What is it that can cause such selfishness in human beings?

I am confident that the night spent locked in the cellar with no food or water will have demonstrated to her the error or her ways, but where such radical feminist ideas are coming from troubles me. I suspect that it is probably some program on the telly, so will ban her from watching it, but could you suggest other possible causes so that we may return to a state of marital harmony?

Dear JJSH,

This is indeed a serious situation that needs immediate attention to rectify it.

Firstly you need to point out to your good lady wife that the refund is on tax on your income so its your refund and you'll spend it how the feck you like

As to where such radical feminist ideas come from the answer lies in women being given the vote :roll: You see their delicate and pretty minds are not evolved sufficiently to be able to deal with issues any more weighty than cooking and cleaning.

You have made a good start in addressing this by locking her in the cellar and stopping television privileges but if this still fails to resolve the issue there is only one solution...







Hope this helps

seanoconn

Stevo 666 wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

As we seem to have run into the 'Great Firewall of Mary Whitehouse' again , we need to revive a girl related thread but I can't for the life of me find The Womble's 'Ding' thread. Any idea where the ****er has got to?

I had a look too but the search function doesn't appear to be working.

pesky_jones

Aunty Arran,

On a scale of Justin Beiber to Guy Martin how pussy am I for not wanting to continue riding DH/FR stuff and start taking it easy in regard to the Adamantium plate (titanium) holding my collarbone together?

arran77

Pesky Jones wrote:

Aunty Arran,

On a scale of Justin Beiber to Guy Martin how pussy am I for not wanting to continue riding DH/FR stuff and start taking it easy in regard to the Adamantium plate (titanium) holding my collarbone together?

Dear Pesky,

I would say it is even worse than that I'm afraid.

What you have is a case of Piña-itis, a morbid fear of all things crud and mountain bike.

There is no cure, you are destined to be an eternal ghayer :P

pesky_jones

Oh no, I've heard of that. I dont think it is that though. Considering I'm also too scared to ride on the road, the whole concept of it seems crazy to me. I dont even like travelling in a car to be honest, if you take it back to a basic level, theres hundreds of people all racing along at 30+ mph in very close proximity in a metal box. I think its considered an irrational fear, but I consider it rational.

arran77

Pesky Jones wrote:

Oh no, I've heard of that. I dont think it is that though. Considering I'm also too scared to ride on the road, the whole concept of it seems crazy to me. I dont even like travelling in a car to be honest, if you take it back to a basic level, theres hundreds of people all racing along at 30+ mph in very close proximity in a metal box. I think its considered an irrational fear, but I consider it rational.

Dear Pesky,

It could still be Piña-itis as there is often an aversion to anything bike related with this disease.

Putting this aside however and looking at your other symptoms I think we need to consider the fact that perhaps the Pesky mind has not evolved sufficiently to deal with the fast pace of modern life.

If this seems like a fair assessment I would suggest that you find a cave somewhere in the woods to live in, grow a beard, live off the land, avoid all human contact and change your name to Moonbeam.

pesky_jones

But what about bears? I think I better section myself.

arran77

Pesky Jones wrote:

But what about bears? I think I better section myself.

Ask Piña about those

pesky_jones

Pina, how do I stop bears attacking me? Apparently your're an expert on being harrased by bears? Does it hurt when a bear attacks you? Whats the best deterrent for bears?

Any advice would be apreciated

veronese68

pinno

Pesky Jones wrote:

Pina, how do I stop bears attacking me? Apparently your're an expert on being harrased by bears? Does it hurt when a bear attacks you? Whats the best deterrent for bears?

Any advice would be apreciated

It all depends on how manly you are. After 3 weeks of living in a cave and not changing your underwear, going unshaved, using no deoderant and shagging the local girls until you stink, drinking mead and developing seriously bad breath as well as daubing yourself in blackberry juice, the bears don't come near you.

Off you go to your chosen cave and we'll come visit in a few weeks.

Best of luck.
P

pinno

PS If you get rashes or lesions or anything a bit dodgy looking; rub betroot on it but T47 swears on spinach leaves.

Stevo_666

pinarello001 wrote:

Pesky Jones wrote:

Pina, how do I stop bears attacking me? Apparently your're an expert on being harrased by bears? Does it hurt when a bear attacks you? Whats the best deterrent for bears?

Any advice would be apreciated

It all depends on how manly you are. After 3 weeks of living in a cave and not changing your underwear, going unshaved, using no deoderant and shagging the local girls until you stink, drinking mead and developing seriously bad breath as well as daubing yourself in blackberry juice, the bears don't come near you.

Off you go to your chosen cave and we'll come visit in a few weeks.

Best of luck.
P

Is this based on personal experience? Sounds like Stranraer is quite 'up and coming' these days.

pesky_jones

Dear Aunty Arran,

My girlfriend's asked me to cook her dinner. To date, I know how to cook beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast, cheese on toast and pizza ( which is basically cheese and tomato ketchup, on toast) plus a few more basics. She's also veggie. What do you suggest

GiantMike

Dear AA

My thingy seems to be a bit wonkier since I did some harding up the goosechute. Should I use brute force thumbage to unwonky it or would slipping it in the mangepot do the trick? I've just been diagnosed with whistling flimsy so I can't do thrippling on Tuesdays, if that was an option.

Stevo_666

GiantMike wrote:

Dear AA

My thingy seems to be a bit wonkier since I did some harding up the goosechute. Should I use brute force thumbage to unwonky it or would slipping it in the mangepot do the trick?

Dear Auntie Arran, it sounds like Pinno has hacked Giantmike's BR account. What should he do? :P

pinno

Stevo 666 wrote:

GiantMike wrote:

Dear AA

My thingy seems to be a bit wonkier since I did some harding up the goosechute. Should I use brute force thumbage to unwonky it or would slipping it in the mangepot do the trick?

Dear Auntie Arran, it sounds like Pinno has hacked Giantmike's BR account. What should he do? :P

Rumbled :roll:

tlw1

Pesky Jones wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

My girlfriend's asked me to cook her dinner. To date, I know how to cook beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast, cheese on toast and pizza ( which is basically cheese and tomato ketchup, on toast) plus a few more basics. She's also veggie. What do you suggest

unless she is rich AND good in bed - dump her

pesky_jones

matthew h wrote:

Pesky Jones wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

My girlfriend's asked me to cook her dinner. To date, I know how to cook beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast, cheese on toast and pizza ( which is basically cheese and tomato ketchup, on toast) plus a few more basics. She's also veggie. What do you suggest

unless she is rich AND good in bed - dump her

Shes good in bed, she's not rich. She thinks I'm rich

arran77

Pesky Jones wrote:

Dear Aunty Arran,

My girlfriend's asked me to cook her dinner. To date, I know how to cook beans on toast, scrambled egg on toast, cheese on toast and pizza ( which is basically cheese and tomato ketchup, on toast) plus a few more basics. She's also veggie. What do you suggest

Dear Pesky,

It sounds like you have very fine culinary skills for one so young but if you want to look for some more inspiration I suggest you look at the tinned foods isle in the supermarket where you'll find an abundance of culinary delights to wow the love of your life.

The thing with vegetarian diets that can be tricky is a good source of protein but this can be easily overcome when you inform your girl friend that man porridge is not only vegetarian but also a fantastic protein source

Hope this helps

Stevo_666

Pinno will be disappointed :P

pinno

Stevo 666 wrote:

Pinno will be disappointed :P

I had a stooge - paid him a fiver and a can of Special Brew to act as me. Damn, that would have been funny.

Stevo_666

That implies you were going to watch the proceedings :shock: