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a bit of friday BMW bashing, I'll start

VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
edited September 2011 in The Crudcatcher
A day in the life of a BMW driver


"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
Kazza the Tranny
Now for sale Fatty
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  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    A day in the life of a BMW driver


    "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
    First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
    The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
    Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
    Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
    Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
    Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
    He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
    Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
    Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
    (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
    See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
    __________________
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

    "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

    "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

    "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    CHICKEN, HORSE AND BMW

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story?

    When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    CHICKEN, HORSE AND BMW

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story?

    When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • RaymondavalonRaymondavalon Posts: 5,346
    Hmm lot's of double Posts...
    Now where's SurfMatt?
  • welshkevwelshkev Posts: 9,690
    i've got to drive my bosses BMW on tuesday to york..i'm gonna look like censored aren't i? :?
  • Stevo_666Stevo_666 Posts: 41,699
    welshkev wrote:
    i've got to drive my bosses BMW on tuesday to york..i'm gonna look like tool aren't i? :?
    FTFY :wink:

    Yep.
    Whippet
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    Panzer
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    "I spent most of my money on birds, booze and fast cars: the rest of it I just squandered." [George Best]
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    welshkev wrote:
    i've got to drive my bosses BMW on tuesday to york..i'm gonna look like fool aren't i? :?
    yes Kevin yes you are
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • J LJ L Posts: 425
    Audi drivers are the new BMW drivers I thought??

    image_farm010.jpg

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/halfbyte/3113292670/

    :? :lol:
    I'm not old I'm Retro
  • bails87bails87 Posts: 13,317
    Now where's SurfMatt?

    He got banned because the mods were jealous of his BMW. Or should that be 'Bimmer', which never struck me as a particularly sensible abbreviation when it's being typed.
    MTB/CX

    "As I said last time, it won't happen again."
  • Seems like this thread is lots of torque over nothing.

    I'll get me coat.
  • PudseypPudseyp Posts: 3,514
    Well when you all mature and earn enough pennies to be able to afford a nice car and actually buy a BMW you will appreciate how good they are...anyway I'll let you get back to your saxo or focus or what ever piece of pooh you drive...
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    Pudseyp
    LOL oh come on! As much as you don't want to admit it, there are better cars on the road!
    The cars are ok, overpriced but ok, the drivers on the otherhand seemingly can't take a joke :?: :lol:
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • PudseypPudseyp Posts: 3,514
    Thing is I wanted a nice car as I do a lot of miles I had £24K to spend and wanted new...so was looking at humdrum Mondeo's and Insignia's etc then found a 10 plate 520D with 6k on the clock so Dec last year I bought it...it's the M Sport with full leather and satnav etc etc...does 50MPG and is comfortable as an armchair...

    So would you really have a Mondeo which would actually cost more than £24k for the same spec as the 520D or a BMW that is a few months old...if you say the Mondeo I know your lying !!

    And to be honest I don't mind people taking the piss, as it is usually from people driving censored heaps that are at the end of the day jealous.

    Oh and if it makes you happy I also have a VW....albiet a G60 Rallye
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • bails87bails87 Posts: 13,317
    Pudseyp
    Are you surfmatt?

    You sound an awful lot like him :lol:
    MTB/CX

    "As I said last time, it won't happen again."
  • spongtasticspongtastic Posts: 3,131
    Pudseyp wrote:
    Thing is I wanted a nice car as I do a lot of miles I had £24K to spend and wanted new...so was looking at humdrum Mondeo's and Insignia's etc then found a 10 plate 520D with 6k on the clock so Dec last year I bought it...it's the M Sport with full leather and satnav etc etc...does 50MPG and is comfortable as an armchair...

    So would you really have a Mondeo which would actually cost more than £24k for the same spec as the 520D or a BMW that is a few months old...if you say the Mondeo I know your lying !!

    And to be honest I don't mind people taking the wee-wee, as it is usually from people driving shoot heaps that are at the end of the day jealous.

    Oh and if it makes you happy I also have a VW....albiet a G60 Rallye

    Erm, I'd have neither. I'd do what I did last time, spend £6k on a new Panda that does 54 mpg, save the £19k so that I can retire earlier......
    Visit Clacton during the School holidays - it's like a never ending freak show.

    Who are you calling inbred?
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    Pudseyp
    Hey man your choice! There is a hell of a lot of other cars I would choose for 24k, and I assure you no mondeos in there! :lol:
    Good choice on the G60 btw
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • DirtriderDirtrider Posts: 1,611
    I've got a new 1 series. I imagine it's a far nicer car than the majority of you lot have.

    However, since I've had it, I have become a BMW driver. However, If more people drove like BMW drivers, then I would get everywhere much quicker.
    For Sale:

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    Marzocchi Z2 Atom 80mm
  • AnonymousAnonymous Posts: 28,799
    I'm curious, surfbum, what WOULD you have for £24K then?
    Fords have seriously crappy interiors, they all remind me of how cars used to be made 20 years ago.
    VW saloons just don't cut it for me. The ride and halndling in their Passat/Bora models are dire. I guess you could get a Sirocco though.
    Peugeot/Citroen, oh come on, you'd have to be insane to spend that much money on a French car :lol:
    Same goes for Vauxhall.

    See what I'm getting at? For that kind of money, and high mileage, there's not a great deal of options, and a BM is a decent one. There is no "best" of anything, there never is.
  • bails87bails87 Posts: 13,317
    Christ, the older (ie, not the very latest generation) Vauxhalls are dull inside! :lol:

    The thing with some BMW drivers seems to be that they think everyone should be impressed, and think they're a better person, because they've got a certain car.

    And if anyone isn't actually bothered/impressed then they're accused of being jealous, a la surfmatt.

    Apply the same logic to practically anything else and it looks utterly ridiculous, but cars have a special status as c0ck-extensions so it carries on :?
    MTB/CX

    "As I said last time, it won't happen again."
  • mudsuckermudsucker Posts: 703
    Dirtrider wrote:
    I've got a new 1 series

    Are you an estate agent? :D


    To be honest if i had the money i'd buy one. It''s not the cars thats the problem its some of the posh twits that own them that think they are better than everyone else :lol:
    Fuelled by cake!

    2008 Specialized Stumpjumper FSR Comp for playing in the mud.
    2013 Trek 1.2
    1982 Holdsworth Elan.
    1987 Peugeot Tour 10
  • PudseypPudseyp Posts: 3,514
    I think the above sums it up...you do get a few assholes that drive like nutters tailgating etc...but you do in any make that will do more than 90...when my wife wanted a small nippy car she wanted a Clio...but they are driven by kids and old ladies so we bought a Ibiza FR..

    Like I said I do 40k miles a year and wanted something realiable and comfortable, agreed I could of bought a Scirroco or alike but would not like to do a 600 mile round trip in one. So the 5 series does me and does me well, it will hold its value and is ubber reliable so to me it makes perfect sense...
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    Chicken or the egg syndrome, did the BMW make them a bad driver or do bad drivers buy BMW?

    yehaa I wouldn't be wasting my money especially 24k on a car that will depreciate quicker than a lot of other cars, for instance if I had bought my car new it would of been just over this, however I think the smart money is on smaller diesel cars, not exec saloons. When you look at how much spongs panda will depreciate in in next 3 years and how much pudseys Beemer will, you could buy 2 new pandas with the difference.

    So ill say I'd buy a fiat 500 or a golf, both sound residules but neither are great cars
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    Why not the jag xf?
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • + 1001 posts reset by the cruel cruel moderators!

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  • PudseypPudseyp Posts: 3,514
    VWsurfbum wrote:
    Chicken or the egg syndrome, did the BMW make them a bad driver or do bad drivers buy BMW?

    yehaa I wouldn't be wasting my money especially 24k on a car that will depreciate quicker than a lot of other cars, for instance if I had bought my car new it would have been just over this, however I think the smart money is on smaller diesel cars, not exec saloons. When you look at how much spongs panda will depreciate in in next 3 years and how much pudseys Beemer will, you could buy 2 new pandas with the difference.

    So ill say I'd buy a fiat 500 or a golf, both sound residules but neither are great cars

    Yes but it's what you need them for !! plus some exec diesel's do over 50mpg, the 520D has a high residual value and that's another reason why I bought it...again I paid £24k for a car 6 months old that would have cost £32k it was also vat qaulifying so in effect cost me £19k..buying a demo most of the depreciation has gone and losing 2k a year is not that bad in my opinion.
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • VWsurfbumVWsurfbum Posts: 7,959
    So a car that lost 8k in 6 months is good residules?
    So why not the jag?
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • DirtriderDirtrider Posts: 1,611
    No Im not, Im a commercial operations accountant.

    Do a lot of miles, as in well over 30k a year. Need something good on fuel, quick and comfortable that won't break down in the four years I have it.

    Out of the options I had, it was the cheapest, quickest car available, for me that makes sense. Had a passat before it, and it was like driving a bus, took about half an hour to swing round a corner, though it wasnt actually to bad a car. Bearing in mind im 22, so passat was slightly too large for my needs.
    For Sale:

    Specialized P3 Frame

    Marzocchi Z2 Atom 80mm
  • bails87bails87 Posts: 13,317
    People who own things like 116i/d's always puzzle me, if you're going to buy a BMW, get a more 'performance' orientated one, surely, not the cheapest thing with a BMW badge on it. Especially if you're then going to drive it aggressively like a pleb (cleariy wishing they had a faster car), whereas things like 123's tend to be better driven, IME. It's almost as if some of them don't care/know what they're driving, they just want the badge......
    Oh....
    In a bizarre revelation BMW CEO Norbert Reithofer has proved BMW drivers aren’t as clever as they think they are! A survey targeted specifically at 1-Series drivers has shown that 80 per cent of them believe their car is front-wheel drive.


    Read more: http://www.autoexpress.co.uk/news/autoe ... z1W9Mq5Mom
    :lol:
    MTB/CX

    "As I said last time, it won't happen again."
  • PudseypPudseyp Posts: 3,514
    VWsurfbum wrote:
    So a car that lost 8k in 6 months is good residules?
    So why not the jag?

    The Jag is nice and will be in the running it a year or so's time, and is a simliar price to a new 520D with similar spec, also fuel economy and performance is similar. At the time they only did a 3.0 L diesel which was no good, and have only just introduced a 2.2D

    A 6-8 month old Jag XF with less than 10K will depreciate buy around 6-8k, My BMW was up at £27k and I got it to £24,500 as it was a cash purchase...that's why I would never buy new..as to your comment on residules, I have not lost anything and will loose a couple of grand a year which is not bad...any car will loose at least 10% as soon as you drive off the forecourt...Vauxhall and Ford are the worse.
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
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