Massively offtopic: 'future financial dependants'

DonDaddyD

So, I was talking to my girlfriend recently about the possibility of starting family (in a few years) and it suddenly occured, well was made clear, that I would be the only one working and therefore the only one paying the bills, mortgage, food etc for several years.

No one told me that women stop working for up to five years and the man has to pay for everything! I mean sure when I think about it, it makes sense, but I'm male and I really didn't think about the wider implications having baby would have beyond simply having a baby.

I honestly just thought you had a baby, got maternity pay and then after 12months went back to work... I didn't think about who looks after the baby, picks them up from nusery etc. Now I'm learning that there could only be one household income for 3 - 5yrs and if you have more in quick succession this could be even longer!

They really should inform you about this 'future financial dependants' at school or something. I really do feel mislead.

Also I feel duped; Ms DDD is a lawyer I was under the impression that I was going to be 'kept' (to some degree). Now I'm being told that she doesn't want to work full time (or at all) once "we" have kids. I should have kept my salary secret is what I should have done.

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Decisions made now will impact my ability to commute by bike in the future. So in someways, yes, this is relevant.

Roastie

Dude, are you seriously saying that you thought having kids would have a minimal impact on your life?

DonDaddyD

Roastie wrote:

Dude, are you seriously saying that you thought having kids would have a minimal impact on your life?

No, but I really didn't think about the financial implications like being the only bread winner for five whole years. Until this week I only ever thought about having to buy a car with 4 or 5 doors (I hate them I prefer 3 doors). Going on children friendly holidays, changing nappies and waking up in the middle of the night when they're crying - things like that. I wasn't even phased by the impact having a baby would have on my free time. But it didn't occur to me that I would be the only one paying bills etc... the impact on my pay cheque, jeez....

That isn't fair.

I'd gladly give up work, raise the kids and keep a home = cake walk.

Edit: I'm actually looking online to find out how young nusery's will take children.

rolf_f

I suggest you google how much you can expect to have to pay to bring up a child. It's a bit more than a Viner Maxima with Super Record.........

Nursery costs alone would eat most of your salary.......

greg66_tri_v2.0

DonDaddyD wrote:

I honestly just thought you had a baby, got maternity pay and then after 12months went back to work... I didn't think about who looks after the baby, picks them up from nusery etc. Now I'm learning that there could only be one household income for 3 - 5yrs and if you have more in quick succession this could be even longer!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HA.

Sorry. Go that far and had to.

DonDaddyD wrote:

Also I feel duped; Ms DDD is a lawyer I was under the impression that I was going to be 'kept' (to some degree). Now I'm being told that she doesn't want to work full time (or at all) once "we" have kids. I should have kept my salary secret is what I should have done.

Oh, you're going to be "kept" all right. Kept at work, full time, until the end of your life.

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Decisions made now will impact my ability to commute by bike in the future. So in someways, yes, this is relevant.

In order:
- Two
- Still waiting. No time soon though.
- Through gritted teeth
- It ruined what was, according to many (one) impartial (a lie) observers (me) one of the most promising triathlon careers that this country has ever seen. No effect on commuting by bike though.

It sort of made a difference to where we live. Sort of. We now live somewhere kid friendly that I can commute by bike from. Had it not been for my selfishness, we'd have gone further out and I'd be on a train.

UndercoverElephant

1) Three kids, then a trip to the Vet's to avoid any BJUK style incidents.
2) 10 1/2 years so far.
3) Moved from Newcastle to Edinburgh, better jobs, better pay, houses not too much more expensive, if you're away from the city centre.
4) Only started commuting last year, so can't say.

One of the things I feel sad about is how few people have the chance to stay at home to look after the kids; in my view it's often the best thing all round.

Bassjunkieuk

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids? - 5 with the last one due next month :-D
When did the wife go back to full time work? - She works, bl00dy hard, from home. Being a mother is a job just without the traditional pay-slip!
How do you get by? - You find a way, first is the most expensive after that you can re-use things :-)
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike? - I actually commute further and get more social/leisure riding in now :-) The commute cycling was due to a change of job role 3 years ago and the social riding came after much bartering and signing up for a massive sportive so I needed to do "training" ;-)

Don't get me wrong having kids is a big decision, one I certainly didn't fully comprehend at 17 when Isobel arrived. At that time we where entitled to various benefits which certainly made things a lot easier as they covered the big bills like rent, council tax and topped up my income from my then part-time job.
I left college and started doing more hours but as I did that the benefits tapered off (not at the same rate, so working a little bit more resulted in a large chunk of benefits being taken away) but it felt much better as I was supporting the family.

Over the years I've gone through a couple of job changes and different roles within each of them, gradually upping the income (until the world went to sh!t recently) each time. I suppose the one thing I can be thankful for is that the first 4 where girls so we had plenty of clothes that could be re-cycled!

The wife has done a superb job of trying to save us money, the biggest one I suspect being the choice to use cloth nappies from no. 4. As I haven't purchased nappies properly for the last 5 years I don't think I can estimate how much I've saved but I'm sure it's on the order of a few £1,000 - even when you take into account the initial outlays for nappies, liners etc. and the additional washing machine cycles we needed! Admittedly that isn't for everyone - wet nappies are OK, if a bit whiffy, but the more solid deposits do take a bit of stomaching! This however is something that you soft of become used to as a parent so after the initial "OMFG" you just get on with it and if the nappy lined then you can just flush the deposit straight down the loo :-)

One thing you can't underestimate is how much space children take up! Clothing, extra food, toys, buggies etc will all start to try and wrestle for space in your house!

As for childcare costs I believe they can easily wipe out a large chunk of a person's wages! If your employer offers them it may be worth claiming the childcare vouchers which work in a similar fashion to C2W payments (via salary sacrifice, taken out before Tax/NI) which can help reduce the financial burden.

All this said tho children give back so much more that they are worth the financial and emotional hardship and besides you have to be nice to them, they are the ones who'll choose your retirement home :-D

bigmat

One kid here, wife went back to work after around 10 months I think it was, 2 days a week. One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways, although she wouldn't be happy working more than 2 days (maybe 3 at a push). Nurseries take kids practically from birth, although we weren't too comfortable with that idea. You're looking at at least £50 a day for nursery (depending where you are of course) - I'd guess in the region of £70 in Wimbledon?

Re cycling, no impact at all on commuting to work by bike. Well, on nursery days I now have to put the bike in the boot, drive my boy to nursery then leave the car and cycle from there. A bit of aggro but not too bad. Other cycling has been squeezed, but not completely - just have to pick and choose events a bit more.

rjsterry

<chuckles to self>

Enjoy being able to blow lots of cash on shinybikebitsthatyoudon'treallyneed while you can.

To answer your specific questions:

Just one at the moment, but thinking about another at some point.

Mrs RJS is self-employed and works from home, so has been able to take a few small jobs on so far (10 months in), but only a couple of days a month at the moment. She's unlikely to be upping that until Little M starts going to playgroup/pre-school stuff (or later still if we have another).

We get by by trimming everything back as much as we can: me cycling to work, making my own sandwiches instead of blowing £5 or £6 at the sandwich shop every day, going on holiday to the m-in-law's caravan in Devon, and so on. It's tight, but we're fairly comfortable. There are lots of people far worse off than us.

I've had to cycle more now that we have a littl'un as a monthly travel card from zone 5 is just too expensive. And I'm too knackered/don't have time to go out for any weekend rides, but this just pushes me to commute more by bike as this is pretty much the only cycling I get.

Oh, and stop dithering and get on with it, this is sixth or seventh thread on this subject now

bigmat

Greg66 wrote:

It sort of made a difference to where we live. Sort of. We now live somewhere kid friendly that I can commute by bike from. Had it not been for my selfishness, we'd have gone further out and I'd be on a train.

+1

greg66_tri_v2.0

MatHammond wrote:

One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways,

Yeah. I often wonder whether this is a big ol' fib they teach women at Mum School to trot out to dearest Hubby, so that he doesn't get resentful of her staying at home.

Heaven forfend!

greg66_tri_v2.0

Bassjunkieuk wrote:

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Struck dumb?

UndercoverElephant

Greg66 wrote:

Bassjunkieuk wrote:

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Struck dumb?

Run out of fingers?

fenboy369

Be prepared to put your life on hold and not have anything you want for at least 18 years. Anything you get in that time is a bonus. Thats the advice my Dad gave me.

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?


1. Two, (8yrs and 5yrs old)
2. When the oldest was 6 1/2, but worked part time for 3 years with the first until it was economically unviable to have child care with 2 kids
3. We cut back on everything and muddled through.
4. Initially stopped me mountain biking and then forced me to commute by bike to save money. Mtbing again now so its all worked out fine in the end.

Buckled_Rims

Ha ha ha, if this wasn't from DDD I'd have said this was a troll. Great posting!

Once a child is born, you're in for 25 years service to the sprog. It's hugely expensive unless you have dotting retired parents to babysit/mind them.

Bang goes your dura-ace and welcome nappies then iPods, mobiles...etc.

rjsterry

MatHammond wrote:

One kid here, wife went back to work after around 10 months I think it was, 2 days a week. One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways, although she wouldn't be happy working more than 2 days (maybe 3 at a push). Nurseries take kids practically from birth, although we weren't too comfortable with that idea. You're looking at at least £50 a day for nursery (depending where you are of course) - I'd guess in the region of £70 in Wimbledon?

Re cycling, no impact at all on commuting to work by bike. Well, on nursery days I now have to put the bike in the boot, drive my boy to nursery then leave the car and cycle from there. A bit of aggro but not too bad. Other cycling has been squeezed, but not completely - just have to pick and choose events a bit more.

Nursery has been pretty much discounted for us, partly because we'd rather bring up Little M ourselves, but mostly because even if Mrs RJS was back full time, the cost wold completely swallow her income, so what would be the point?

Clever Pun

If she's the major earner then it would make fiscal sense for you to look after the nipper(s) surely?

daycare will be your friend...

Saying that what do I know... skips back to relatively carefree world

wgwarburton

Greg66 wrote:

MatHammond wrote:

One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways,

Yeah. I often wonder whether this is a big ol' fib they teach women at Mum School to trot out to dearest Hubby, so that he doesn't get resentful of her staying at home.

Heaven forfend!

Don't underestimate the stress associated with working part time & looking after kids. It's very hard on Mum & she'll constantly feel guilty that she isn't spending enough time on either role.

Although there is a big financial impact, the thing you'll really notice is that you no longer have any free time... and what time you can fit in you'll be struggling to spend with your partner.

It's a lot easier if you don't intend to bring up your kids to be successful, well-adjusted assets to society, of course...

Cheers,
W.

WesternWay

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

1. Three, 14, 9, 7
2. She has not done so yet. Three days a week
3. Earnt as much money as I could.
4. It means that someone can go and put the bath on for me when I get home.

Stupidly expensive luxuries, but they really are lovely. I wouldn't be without them.

P.S. Buy all the toys you want for you before they arrive, you will not be the priority for a while after they are here

rjsterry

One other thought: this is what MTFU really means.

Rich158

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Are you sure you want my jaded cynical response

2
Not for fecking years :twisted:
I'm still paying for it and will be for years
I keep on commuting, it keeps me out of the house for longer

On a slightly different but not wholly unconnected note, does anyone know how to get the feckers to leave home??????

The upside is I go mountain biking with my kids, and that has brought us closer together than anything

camerone

staying at home looking after kids would be the most mind numbing thing in the world. i have 3 kids and truly adore them but i simply could not cope with them all day every day. My wife stays at home and loves it 90% despises it 10% on the days when i get a 4.30 call pleading to come home.

walk in the park not, i consider working to earn the crust easier ( except maybe the self employed sleepless nights from time to time.)

dont underestimate the cut backs on impulsive actions, you know the getting p1ssed by accident watching footy/rugby in pub, just popping out for a 2 hr bke ride. these things get more difficult..

DonDaddyD

MatHammond wrote:

One kid here, wife went back to work after around 10 months I think it was, 2 days a week. One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways, although she wouldn't be happy working more than 2 days (maybe 3 at a push). Nurseries take kids practically from birth, although we weren't too comfortable with that idea. You're looking at at least £50 a day for nursery (depending where you are of course) - I'd guess in the region of £70 in Wimbledon?

I could keep a home and raise kids no problems. My Mum gave me chores when I was younger. I do the laundry now, dishes (in the dish washer) and dinner meh, cake walk.

Wimbledon nursery near me takes kids for £175.50 for 3 days. I was thinking of working at home one day a week and Ms DDD doing the same, but on another day, to save money. Five days a week at this nursery costs £292.50. I wouldn't want a nursery taking my kids before they could talk and walk.

My Gran is another option, she lives in Clapham... I also have another Gran living in Thorton Heath that may get proxy-parental duties.

daviesee

DonDaddyD wrote:

Roastie wrote:

Dude, are you seriously saying that you thought having kids would have a minimal impact on your life?

No, but I really didn't think about the financial implications like being the only bread winner for five whole years. Until this week I only ever thought about having to buy a car with 4 or 5 doors (I hate them I prefer 3 doors). Going on children friendly holidays, changing nappies and waking up in the middle of the night when they're crying - things like that. I wasn't even phased by the impact having a baby would have on my free time. But it didn't occur to me that I would be the only one paying bills etc... the impact on my pay cheque, jeez....

That isn't fair.

I'd gladly give up work, raise the kids and keep a home = cake walk.

Edit: I'm actually looking online to find out how young nusery's will take children.

Does it make you appreciate your own parents more?

Parenthood explains why cycle clubs have 2 groups.
The under 25's and the over 40's.
The group in between are far too busy.

il_principe

Ah DDD, if you're having those thoughts you're in trouble.

I'm dreading this. No more free time, no more money to spend on selfish pursuits. Sticky hands EVERYWHERE. Imagine, you're home, the wife is out, the house is full of screaming, soiled babies. You just want to nip over the road for milk/bread/beer/air/freedom/hope etc. Can you? Can you F*ck. Unless you place the nippers into a huge buggy, along with around 100 nappies, 3 bottles of milk, babywipes, babyfood, comforters, raincover, jacket, change of footwear etc etc etc.

Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

rjsterry

DonDaddyD wrote:

MatHammond wrote:

One kid here, wife went back to work after around 10 months I think it was, 2 days a week. One thing your other half might want to bear in mind is that staying at home looking after a kid is no "cake walk", my wife actually sees the days at work as a "day off" in a lot of ways, although she wouldn't be happy working more than 2 days (maybe 3 at a push). Nurseries take kids practically from birth, although we weren't too comfortable with that idea. You're looking at at least £50 a day for nursery (depending where you are of course) - I'd guess in the region of £70 in Wimbledon?

I could keep a home and raise kids no problems. My Mum gave me chores when I was younger. I do the laundry now, dishes (in the dish washer) and dinner meh, cake walk.

Wimbledon nursery near me takes kids for £175.50 for 3 days. I was thinking of working at home one day a week and Ms DDD doing the same, but on another day, to save money. Five days a week at this nursery costs £292.50. I wouldn't want a nursery taking my kids before they could talk and walk.

My Gran is another option, she lives in Clapham... I also have another Gran living in Thorton Heath that may get proxy-parental duties.

Based on my 10 months experience, if you think you can work from home and look after the little one, you are kidding yourself at least fro the first few years. I've also watched my boss (who is about 3-4 years ahead of me in this) having the same problem. To start with they need almost constant attention - and they don't sleep as much as you'd think.

bigmat

DonDaddyD wrote:

I could keep a home and raise kids no problems. My Mum gave me chores when I was younger. I do the laundry now, dishes (in the dish washer) and dinner meh, cake walk.

Wimbledon nursery near me takes kids for £175.50 for 3 days. I was thinking of working at home one day a week and Ms DDD doing the same, but on another day, to save money. Five days a week at this nursery costs £292.50. I wouldn't want a nursery taking my kids before they could talk and walk.

My Gran is another option, she lives in Clapham... I also have another Gran living in Thorton Heath that may get proxy-parental duties.

You seem to have forgotten the "looking after the kid" bit for when you are at home. Working from home whilst looking after a toddler is, IME, impossible. House work is hard enough!

They are well worth the trouble though, but I think you need to reach that stage in your life when hanging out with your mates and getting drunk just isn't as much fun as it used to be, so that rather than just sacrificing what you've got, you're actively moving on to another stage of your life...

SamWise1972

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
1) How many kids?
2) When did the wife go back to full time work?
3) How do you get by?
4) What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

1) Two kids, 13 and 2, from different wives (not my fault, honest)
2) The first one never did, the second hasn't either, and won't for a long time, as we're going to home educate
3) I work a lot. I do my day job, which is quite demanding (60 hours most weeks), I write for 4 magazines, I write business blogs, I run an online folding bike business. I've more or less given up teh sleepz.
4)Initially none. Recently, it's encouraged me to do it more, because I decided to sell my car. I'm a consultant by day, travelling all over the country, and as of next week, I'll be doing it by folding bike and train. Clients pay the travel costs anyway, and I won't have to pay my car costs!

Having kids is the best thing I've ever done, absolutely love it, but yeah, it's high impact. And I wouldn't want to send my kids to nursery, for everyone's sake. If you're gonna send 'em to school it's only 5 years, so I would MTFU and make do with less toys in that time.

davmaggs

top tip;

child rearing is like religion or money and gets to the core of how people live and what they believe in. You can get in hot water pretty fast when debating the merits of staying at home vs nursery. And like money and religion being rational won't help.


One possible effect of children on commuting or other sports is that if you are the breadwinner then you might want to get a basic life insurance policy. (and normally I turn down insurance).

rjsterry

Il Principe wrote:

Ah DDD, if you're having those thoughts you're in trouble.

I'm dreading this. No more free time, no more money to spend on selfish pursuits. Sticky hands EVERYWHERE. Imagine, you're home, the wife is out, the house is full of screaming, soiled babies. You just want to nip over the road for milk/bread/beer/air/freedom/hope etc. Can you? Can you F*ck. Unless you place the nippers into a huge buggy, along with around 100 nappies, 3 bottles of milk, babywipes, babyfood, comforters, raincover, jacket, change of footwear etc etc etc.

Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It's hard work, but not impossible, and you learn to be more organised fairly quickly. You just have to get more comfortable with not achieving everything you planned at the start of the day. It also goes by VERY quickly.

Bassjunkieuk

UndercoverElephant wrote:

Greg66 wrote:

Bassjunkieuk wrote:

DonDaddyD wrote:

So I ask:
How many kids?
When did the wife go back to full time work?
How do you get by?
What was the impact having kids had on riding a bike and commuting by bike?

Struck dumb?

Run out of fingers?

Posting fail, hit Submit to early! Have edited and added an essay now :-)