The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread

He's done it.

After what felt like an entire career stuck on the same number of wins as the famous Baron Merckx, this year's tour finally saw Sir Mark Cavendish find his last reserves of energy, throw them entirely out the window, and somehow crawl to the Lanterne Rouge win that secures his place in the pantheon of modern greats.

And despite the superstar team assembled by Astana to deliver the win that everybody wanted - the infamous "Project One" - Cavendish didn't have it easy. The first stage alone had enough drama to fill an episode of Hey Duggee (altogether now: "Sick sick sick sick sicky sicky sick sick"). The time penalty on Stage 5, after an uncharacteristically poor piece of placement in the final kilometres, made us wonder. A smartly taken penalty behind the team cars on stage 6 steadied the ship. Then the combined talents of Mrkv, Keys Bowl (a surprisingly popular participant at wifeswapping parties, my correspondent tells me), and Ballerini (Italian for "tiny dancer") ensured Cavendish negotiated the final stages without once putting his nose in the wind and risking either unnecessary effort or another one of those pesky sprint victories.

The only thing remaining was to organise the swap with teammate Ballerini during the final time trial, and it was a masterclass in professionalism. Finding an early advantage in the climb, Cavendish rode a perfect negative split (negative as in "well that's no good") to overhaul his erstwhile helper. We even saw Cavendish's track experience coming to the fore - check this out for a perfect handsling to scrub off any remaining speed as he climbed towards the barriers:

And thus it was that Mark Cavendish ends his career with perhaps the most glittering prize of all - one that's eluded greats such as Merckx, Anquetil, Poulidor (turns out being eternally second is a terrible strategy at both ends of the race) and many, many others. And yeah, okay, 55 grand tour stages wins (35 in the Tour), 165 professional victories, a world championship, Milan - San Remo and multiple magic moments of sheer blinding speed probably deserve a mention. But bloody hell...

How big is this? It's big enough that the Lanterne winner is once again getting a podium presentation after years of it being in the official wilderness. It was thought to somehow cheapen the Tour to even mention it. But not any more. Cavendish is absolute stardust, and he's only gone and sprinkled a bit on the Lanterne and put it back on the stage where it belongs.

He's done Prudhomme up like a kipper.

The final Underall: