The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread
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Fred Wright is on one of those epic breaks on which legends are made. He's seen off his two closest stage rivals to the point they've had to quit the race but a lot of the LR veterans are now forming a chase group. It's going to be difficult to hold them off whilst also avoiding the dreaded time cut. The Director is showing a frustrating lack of interest in the race though with his cameras stuck at the wrong end.
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Wright needs over 40 minutes to take over from Jakobsen. Too little, too late I suspect (though if he makes the cut he can have another go, of course)
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Yeah, it's a classic case of gaining a load of time to go for a stage I think
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At last, some excitement! After days without any meaningful action - many of them passing during stage 10 alone - we finally got to a stage suitable for attacking and the internet duly went wild. There's just something about seeing a true champion throwing years of experience and tactics out the window and simply going out swinging to see what happens.*
Inexplicably, however, the television chose instead to focus on some fella in yellow and the world's most embarrassing sprint finish from two people who looked both utterly shattered and stuck in the wrong gear.
Away from all that - and giving us a full day's tension instead of 30km - British champion Fred Wright had clearly woken up with a head full of ambition and a stomach devoid of contents, and chose to attack. Dropping off the back of the pack at the drop of the flag, Wright bravely gritted his teeth and tightened his sphincter, and was 20 minutes adrift by the halfway mark. By this time hope had left been left well astern, and Wright now set his countenance firmly on despair.
Unfortunately at this point bdsm-infirmnich clocked onto what was happening, and Jakobsen dropped off the back of the peloton. The strategic position was clear. Wright needed to find forty minutes or so on Jakobsen, and Jakobsen now moved to ensure that doing so would place Wright hors delai. This might have surprised lesser commentators, who would have anticipated that Jakobsen's form until now had been merely saving energy for a serious tilt against Pogacar on today's stage, but not for seasoned followers of the Lanterne Rouge. It's the most prestigious title in cycling, a stage win is minor in comparison, and pragmatically fighting dirty is essential in this game. Particularly in the shorts department for those contracting a performance boosting bout of dysentery.
Eschewing the chance to throw himself to the ground in the last 3km and trying to convince the commissaires that he'd been up with, well, anybody when it happened, Wright eventually rolled in 8 minutes outside the cut and was duly DQed after one of the bravest rides for a while. He leaves with his head held high and his morale through the floor, but he's shown that he's got what it takes to launch a proper attempt on the Lanterne in future years. If he avoids the unnecessary time gains in the opening week he can be right up there, in my opinion. Jakobsen and Welten meanwhile increased their stranglehold on the leaderboard, and as the best-rested riders in the race must surely be looking forward with glee to the very steepest mountains.
Wright said Fred:
Both of us together, one each end and steady as we go:
*It's what Remco calls "balls", although oddly he seems less keen to talk about testicular fortitude this evening now that Vingegaard has decided to ride to put somebody out of the race. Isn't this what you wanted, Remmers?
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The twin attack from Ion and Fred was a hairlines breadth from genius but Cyrille's (miss) calculated decision to order the chef to put two tablespoons of Kashmiri chilli* instead of one in the sprout Vindaloo underlines the fine margins at this end of the sport. I will say that at least the organisers put in a stage that was perfect for LR when the choices seem to be pan flat or seriously lumpy and even in the pan flat stages, they can't even be bothered to provide decent cross winds. However, the odd stage does not constitute a serious recognition of the competition and I will remain bitter until this is remedied. The sport continues on it's downward trend and diminishing popularity** due to glaring omissions in par cours such as stages like stage 11 and portaloos. Technology has given us spandex and faux chamois leather but is yet to provide adequate absorption leak proof pads.
On a slightly oblique tack - no one at Visma-Lease a trike has recognised Wout van Aert's desperate desire to get a GT LR win. This year (after a bit of trial and error) he has perfected the art of chucking himself off the bike whilst still able to continue pedalling afterwards unlike those hapless and talentless twits Roglic***, Evenepoel and Vingegaard. I have noticed Pogacar's complete dismissal of the idea, such is his lack of commitment.
*You can use chilli powder as a substitute because you won't find this in the local Spar shop.
**Aside from Romain Bardet who's popularity seems to be escalating: stage 11 underlined the purity in square pedalling up a mole hill, shedding time in style in a manner any LR contender would be proud of and the fans love it.
***Yes, Roglic managed it yesterday so obviously techniques are being perfected as it's early days in this tactical evolution.
seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Jakobsen is currently showing the kind of reckless attacking that puts you out of the race. With the advantage he currently has surely he needs to just sit at the back of the bunch and defend by following any moves that go?
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The constant attacking has taken its toll and today's foolhardy / brave attempt to go solo from the gun rather than defending a lead that was healthy over everyone bar a single team mate has led to disaster pushing Jakobsen to the point where his legs have gone and he's had to abandon. Welten will take on team leader duties and hopefully won't repeat the error.
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It was obvious he was going to climb off as soon as Welten left him. To finish last, first you have to last.
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Going solo can bring great rewards but the risks are high, as shown yet again.
The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
Disaster for Jakobsen!
It was supposed to be a simple, straightforward day for the sprinters. The sort of stage, in fact, that Jakobsen had been brought to the Tour to enjoy. Fate, however, had other ideas. A cruelly steep and unnoticed 1% gradient shortly after the start saw Jakobsen tailed off, and when even co-leader Welten had left him the writing was on the wall. The loss of Pale Bilbao - at least that's how he looked - shortly afterwards hardly affected the Lanterne, but the failure of defending champion Mrkv to even make the start line this morning has really shaken things up.
Astana attempted to cover the loss of Mrkv with a long-range attack by Federov to gain time, and he found a willing ally in Alpecin-Deceuninck's Jonas Rickaert. Indeed, Alpecin seemed to be going all out to publicise their caffeinated snake oil shampoo by sticking men on the front to open the gap wider, and even sent Sren Kragh Andersen back to shepherd the escapees home. Unfortunately however somebody had got confused vis-a-vis the position of Mickey's big hand, and all their effort on the front achieved was to eliminate their own men and the luckless Federov.
With all this going on it was easy to overlook events in the rest of the race, and in particular further developments in the strategic use of horizontality. Buoyed by yesterday's controversial decision to award him the same time as Evenepoel despite crashing in the last 3km, Roglic decided to get greedy and see if he could sit out the last 10km of today's stage. Unfortunately the commissaires took a dim view of this, and far from preserving his time Roglic was forced to creep in over two minutes down. It's probably just as well, as otherwise Geraint Thomas' unorthodox use of a bottle in the roll out of a Giro Stage in 2020 would have retrospectively been seen as a strategic masterstroke. Oh, and we also discovered the race has a Sam Bennett in it. When did the race get a Sam Bennett in it? Why did nobody tell me?
And so to the underall... Welten inherits the taillamp, but a stunning ride by Jarrad Drizzly has closed the gap to nineteen minutes or so (aided by Welten having an utter rush of blood to the head and contesting the sprint, of all things). Thijssen too had a jour avec instead of consolidating his place, various members of the Astana Team hung around to see if Roglic was going to take the insult from the commissaires lying down (answer: "yes, given the position he was in at that precise moment"). Lenny Martinez - and I honestly thought Lenny was a nickname given him by Carlton Kirby, and my world is now shook - also performed well; Bauhaus - in the middle of our street, and now I want to see the goth/Madness mash up the world so badly needs, Eekhoff and awkward kerning's Waerenskjold round out the top ten:
Villeneuve-sur-Lot:
Villeneuve-sur-Not:
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As the Yorkshiremen amongst us say, T'Pau...
There was much excitement early in the stage as it looked like Visma Lisa Bike were going on a classic chasse patate* before dropping out the back en masse when the DS wasn't looking. That didn't work at all, but fortunately the excitement didn't end there because the wind meant the prospect of echelons.
Echelons are always useful in the hunt for the Lanterne. Getting on the wrong side of splits, fetching a heavy bottle at the right time and subtly losing the wheel are all skills vital to ensure maximum time gains. In extremis - and as demonstrated by Flan van Wilder today - there's always the option of riding in the gutter until you stack it magnificently.
In today's stage both Thijssen and Drizners found themselves riding the splits magnificently, and although Welten belatedly marked their move he still shipped another handful of minutes. Astana are also still lurking, thanks to the experience of Cavendish, though the loss of Mrkv has led to some confusion - Cavendish even mistakenly sprinting for bonus seconds in yesterday's stage, much as he redeemed himself today.
Welten will have to hope the mountain stages neutralise things, because right now he's got two determined riders chasing him down and a team utterly confused about what they're supposed to be doing with the loss of Jakobsen. The gap remains healthy - which is more than we can say for most of the peloton, it seems - but the game is afoot.
Carol Decker:
about forty riders, plus a solo break from:
Black and Decker:
*Nobody dares explain what this means. It's a bit of a hot potato, but it usually means they've had their chips
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Potential for huge gains tomorrow.
The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
Hmm. Mountain stage, isn't it? We always get really excited and then the racing fails to live up to our fevered expectations. Usually get neutralised with an autobus, I'm afraid.
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I suspect/hope some will miss the autobus though. 🤞
The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
You've got to feel sorry for Mark Cavendish. Having been hauled out of a cosy retirement to try and win one last stage instead of lazing around in bed with his ex-glamour model* wife, this tour has been an unmitigated disaster. Constantly the wrong side of splits or positioned badly by his team, it even included the ignominy of accidentally winning a sprint and being fined valuable seconds for doing so. Even the commissaires seemed to take pity on him, chucking him a bonus as soon as they saw him even vaguely drafting a team car.
Today though it looked like he'd finally cracked it. Having driven the autobus fast enough to provide a safety margin, Cavendish slipped off the back with a select group to contest the win.
Two things now went badly wrong.
First, Astana tried to stage manage the one-two finish.
Secondly, the finish line had been set up by your lad from Amstel Gold 2021, and yet again he'd buggered it up.
Seriously - watch this and tell me that Cavendish didn't win it? Even the Tour de France's official account thought he'd won it, congratulating him with "Job done!"
So Cheese Bol was credited with the win, and amongst all the controversy few noticed that Gerben Thijssen was there rounding out the bottom three. Typical of the alliances that are formed on the road, Thijssen had clearly agreed to stop working with the Astana trio in return for gifting them the stage. These peloton politics are so often where races are won and lost, and the tendency of cycling coverage to cut away to discuss Pogacar doing Pogacar things. Honestly, it's just what he does - I honestly don't see the fascination. You might as well report on fish breathing water, or Riccardo Ricco boosting himself with every pharmaceutical known to man. Incidentally, the latter's ban runs out this year and some cycling team has the opportunity to do the worst possible thing, and inevitably will. It'll be fascinating to see what happens - after 12 years out of the sport and with no pesky testers to get in the way, it's entirely possible he's taken enough substances that his skin now gently fizzes in the rain.
Taylor Swift's Era Tour:
Tyler Farrar's Error Tour. Oops, there he is crashing again:
*and let's be honest - on top of the whole looks thing Peta is clearly pretty smart and funny, and apparently an all-round a good egg. I hope they're as happy with each other as they seem.
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Lenny Martinez is a surprise contender, staying with the field even on days like this. If he can put the work in on the remaining flat stages where some of the sprinters could get caught out, we could have a real one.
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In the furore and aftermath of Cav's tragic day at the wrong end of the race I also thought that few would have expected a young cyclist and glamour model to have formed such a lasting partnership. It's really very sweet...
We're in danger of confusing passion with incompetence
- @ddraver1 -
He’s had the performance enhancing effect of being given the title of the next French hope. That alone is probably worth the best part of an hour. The really impressive thing is he’s done it without having to do the usual French thing of the hard yards in the break, gurning for the cameras, before being allowed off the leash for glory off the back.
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The anticipated early break is going. On Bastille day no-one will be surprised to see Demare initiating the move but Bol quickly marks it, Gaviria tries to get in on the action and Cav soon bridges. I think they’ll stay away but unless others join them they may have gone too big too soon.
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I see my man Groaningwagon is in the top 10 which is just as well because this tour for me was starting to get a bit dull and boring.
The scene: A squalid bedsit in the IOM sometime in 2023:
Any similarity between persons living or dead is entirely incidental
Mark: I want to ride my bicycle
Peta: You can't. You crashed and broke your collar bone silly
M: That's not fair, you're not being nice
P: Maybe next week. Now run along whilst I write some letters to a few director sportifs
M: Will you will you will you? Promise, promise, promise?
P: Yes Mark but you are a bit over the hill and I may not manage to get you a team
M: What? No team? Waaaaaaa waaaaaa waaaaaaa
P: There there dear, it could be worse.
M: Worse, worse! How could it be worse? I've been riding bicycles for... hmmm... ages and ages and and I have never got one of those red jumpers and now i'll never get the chance. I want to be Lawson Haddock.
P: Yes but i'm sorry Mark; you've never been as good as Lawson Haddock and besides, they don't give you a red jumper.
M: [Chucking all his toys around with one arm, tears rolling down his face] No red jumper?! What do you mean 'no red jumper'?! Anyway, I crashed and so did he and so I can be as good as him. I can, I can, I can.
[Peta consoles Mark with a packet of Haribo Tangfastics - it got Lawson Haddock through as a pain displacement technique: "...thour...thore...thour...thore..." each pedal stroke]
P: There's a jumble sale in Cronk y voddy on Sunday. I'll try and get you one.
[A huge smile comes over Marks face and then the doorbell rings. Matty B is standing in the doorway with a football under one arm and a screaming, wriggling 3 legged cat* under the other]
P: Run along now and if your going to play footy, tell the others not to tackle you hard 'cos your a bit sore and look out for those pesky motorbikes when you cross the road.
...and the rest, as they say, is histrionics.
*They were short of one goal post.
seanoconn - gruagach craic!1 -
Thijssen abandons making life more comfortable for Welten.
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Cav and co in serious danger of going too deep in taking back time.
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If the last group do get chopped hors delai, Drizzly Jarrad stands to inherit the Lanterne.
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Wrong thread
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One of the best team performances you’ll ever see although they could have gained another 90” if they really tried. Disappointed there was no track standing on the finish line. Not sure how much they’ve gained for the effort but it’s the sort of panache we want to see.
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Welten seemingly OTL.
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It's Bastille Day, and what better way to celebrate than with something that's revolting? And yes, there's a reason Guilio Ciccone isn't being encouraged to get in breaks and hoover up the mountains points this year.
Traditional for Bastille Day is the fevered speculation that this year - this year - a French rider could write their name in history and win a stage on France's national day. That meant for bumper coverage of the fight for the Lanterne on the very first climb, as French TV disconsolately watched rider after rider they'd spent the pre-stage coverage excitedly tipping for big things head straight out the back. Well, their loss was our gain, for rarely have we had so much TV coverage of so few chances.
Inevitably the big hitters soon formed their own group at the head of the race, and set their teams to work before in the last few kilometres one of the favourites finally showed weakness and cracked, whilst the rival they'd been going toe to toe with cycled off into the distance and glory. And not even that awful yellow jumper fouling up the screen.
Yup, forget about the Pogacar / Vingegaard battle, this was the real thing. Cycling red in tooth and crotch (top tip: use more chamois cream, lads*). Astana got Welten isolated, drew out his final reserves, and then accelerated to leave him hors delai whilst they themselves came in with just a couple of minutes to spare.
Welten was, as you might expect, devastated. The chance to win the Lanterne comes around rarely, he had plenty of time in hand, and yet... he jiggered it. Blew it. All he had to do was hold the wheel and mark the attacks and instead he comes in four minutes after everybody has packed up and gone home. Well, that's what happens if you keep attacking when you really don't need to - Pogacar should probably take notes.
The loss of Welten, and Gerben Thijssen (who apparently said the safe word to bdsm-firmenich), means that Astana now sit one and two, with Davide Ballerini in the hot seat and the thrilling prospect of the jersey being settled in the final time trial. It's still entirely possible that Mark Cavendish can complete the fairy tale by pulling ahead of Eddy Merckx and finally taking the Lanterne at the 15th time of asking. I bet Netflix can't believe their luck. bdsm-firmenich, meanwhile, are no doubt beating themselves up over today's result - and enjoying it thoroughly.
And then... a fairy tale really did happen.
Away from the thrilling team display of Astana, and unnoticed by all but an ecstatic French crowd, Andre Demare produced a result to lift a divided nation. On Bastille Day, finally, heroically, a Frenchman stood up, or more accurately crawled up, and delivered. Sneaking in a mere 45 seconds before the time cut, Demare timed his attack perfectly - and naturally the emotion of one of the biggest wins of his career was all too much. And as a nation rejoices, Marc Madiot is placed into his third cold shower of the day lest his reserves of patriotism go supercritical and blow up the whole damn tour.
Allons enfant de la patrie:
La gloire est à l'arrière:
*And on a related note, will somebody please explain to Adam Yates that if the French roads are like sandpaper on your undercarriage, perhaps try tucking it back in your shorts. There's a good lad.
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btw, next year I propose a vulture balai - basically if you spend too long out on the road you get eaten. That should get them to speed up a bit... Anyway, here's Welten coming over the line nearly 4 minutes after he should have:
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Quite an apt sponsor for the wagon 😅
Scott Foil RC
Scott Addict RC
Trek Emonda1
