The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread
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Was there any reports of LR contenders doing extra extra fasting and zero liquid miles yesterday?
seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
I think rest day feeding has become a lot more scientific in recent years, as with all cycling. The old days of simply not eating are long gone.
In other news though, Astana's potential partner X-Lab have already been doing work in the wind tunnel to maximise gains during those tricky time trials. They reckon their integrated combination of helmet, skinsuit and more aerodynamic wheels might be worth as much as five minutes over the typical TT. You'll notice the sock height remains fully UCI compliant:
(If nothing else, I think we can all agree that hat is far more acceptable as an item of cycling accoutrement than Visma's Alien cosplay)
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Waerenskjold on the attack with a solo leading approaching a minute.
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Today was the third rest day of the Tour de France, so obviously there was no action on the Lant-
Oh, hang on. What? WHAT? THAT? Really?
Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, today was the 16th stage of the Tour de France, and viewers were no doubt rivetted by the International Paint Drying Championships on the other channel. When the key moment in the first hour's racing is[checks notes] two grown men going for a wee in public, I think it's fair to say that your premium sporting product might need a little more pizzazz. Or at least a little less pizz. People still argue whether the racing was better when the riders were on drugs; I can guarantee you today's stage was better television if the viewers were.
With everyone fully committed to saving as much energy as possible - and in the case of refusing Sandy Dujardin permission to rejoin the peloton, somehow expend negative levels of energy - absolutely diddly-squat happened in the Lanterne. With everybody fighting hard to place their man at the rear there simply wasn't any opportunity to take time, although a few teams did use it as an opportunity to explore some new tricks to see what the commissaires made of them. This is a standard procedure in cycling. By introducing new components in races where nobody cares - and I remind you that today's stage briefly veered into unchartered territory with negative viewing figures - you get carte blanche to use them when it really matters. And in this respect Uno X played a blinder. Nobody - absolutely nobody - has thought to introduce the Thach weave to cycling before* and yet here they were suddenly demonstrating the full tactical possibilities of the simple roundabout. Look at their works, ye mighty, and despair:
And you thought the pimpicular road gyratories were only there so that Carlton Kirby could persuade the last two viewers to turn over to ITV...
Uno X:
Who knows Y?
*with the possible exception of Philipsen during a dead simple sprint, madly yelling "you weren't there man!" as he wipes out yet another front wheel
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That uno x manoeuvre was pretty special. Did the commissaires take a look to see if the rider was behind the car for too long?
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I guess if you are Eritrean and naïve to the subtleties of mostly European based racing, it would take time to learn the ropes. However, with race radio, map apps, Google translate, team mates, Key tones and a Director Sportif, you would think that Binny G would have had things explained to him.
So I presume that finally the penny dropped. Except for two glaring errors: Error numero Uno x - if you are going to chuck yourself at the tarmac to gain time, don't hurt yourself too much and error numero Fiat Tipo: don't deploy the chuck yourself at the tarmac tactic in the last 3km. The analogy I initially came up with is something along the lines of getting your queen forked by a pesky knight but given that this had absolutely no resemblance to the actuality, I didn't use it. Binny G has so much potential and though one could argue that a load of road rash might just be the very thing that (seemingly legitimately) puts you at the right end of the race, we are deep into week three and such tactics given the lead Ballerini has, is too little too late. With no less than 5 Director sportifs, there must be an internal inquiry at Intermarche Wanty as to what has gone wrong during this tour and the complete failure of the management. Why the press haven't asked these questions, I have no idea. Why the race organisers didn't put 23 roundabouts in the first 10 km's. I also have no idea. There are deep issues in our sport and no one is asking the right questions.
seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
And so to stage 17, where I've got no idea what happened because I was at the sort of funeral where - excitingly - the rozzers are also in attendance, and also because from everything I've gathered it's not entirely clear any of the teams know what happened either. I joked yesterday about drugs in the peloton, but I've no idea what anybody's been smoking when they claim they saw Remco doing Vingegaard over on a climb...
The mountainous nature of today's stage caused devastation in the Lanterne too, with DNFs and DNSs for Gaviria, Lutsenko, Bauhaus and Elmer's Reindeers (like Santa's, but slower, owned by a patchwork elephant, and actually asked to work more than once a year). Also clearing off was Sam Bennett, who has regularly featured amongst these updates over the years and yet whose main contribution to the Tour's rich history is that year he was a bit poorly so they brought Cavendish himself. Talking of whom, riding a split in the peloton allowed Ballerini to gain a little more time on his supposed team leader, but with a time trial to come and Cavendish yet again finishing safely in the main grupetto, Project 1 and finally sucking it to Eddy Merckx remains all systems go.
Tomorrow's update might be similarly delayed - LR Junior has picked up either a Tour-winning dose of something nasty on their school trip or a free flight home from Marrakesh, and either way I'm having to do that responsible adult thing of repeatedly talking to different people from the same organisation to find out even half of what's going on. Directeurs sportif trying to cope with the UCI's latest brainwaves will recognise the feeling...
Soggy bottoms:
Mary Berry's Buns:
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Can you believe that today marked Stage 18? Well obviously. That's just how numbers work, isn't it? Should be embarrassed not to have thought of it yourself. And talking of embarrassing numbers...
Yup, that's Magnus Cort there proving that no matter how elite an athlete you might be, getting bored in hotel rooms will sooner or later cause you to do something stupid just the same as the rest of us.
In the race proper Matteo Vercher was hte unlucky rider to fall prey to this stage's titular Gap. Presumably he was distracted by the sheer blandness of its clothing, which traditionally comes in a range of shades from dull grey to forgettable khaki, only enlivened by an occasional splash of beige. The accident - in the rollout zone of all places - caused havoc with Vercher's race plans.
Still dizzy and bewildered, he accidentally joined the break of the day (along with Geraintatric Thomas, who had sworn to do no such thing), and was still there at the end - only realising when he accidentally finished second and burst into tears at his own naivety. The only person to finish quicker, in fact, was victor Victor Campanaerts - so good they named him once. It then transpired that Campanaerts had simply forgotten to phone his girlfriend, and was simply rushing to the finish in order to avoid an angry sulk later.
At the pointy end of the race, and unperturbed by a massive break disappearing over the horizon, the action was also concentrated amongst those riders that posed no threat on LR. The stage was won by funky kerning's Sren Wærenskjold, which made up for Uno-X's multiple recent errors - notably that roundabout farce and leaving a bottle of dye anywhere near vulnerably ennuied riders. It also moved him up into the top ten underall, which only goes to show what might have happened had Uno-X taken the race less seriously.
Blue Monday:
Blue facial fungi:
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"It then transpired that Campanaerts had simply forgotten to phone his girlfriend, and was simply rushing to the finish in order to avoid an angry sulk later."
Excellent work!
The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.3 -
Stage 19, and a short but vertiginous blast from Embrun to Isola 2000, which is either a member of a dubious Outkast tribute act or, more likely, the victim of a tragic mid-nineties rebrand.
By this stage in the Tour the pecking order is established, the gaps are substantial, and it's time to let the lesser riders have some fun. Or at least it's supposed to be.
Unfortunately there are some people who addicted to winning. When the road goes up and everybody starts grovelling they just can't help but disappear and leave everybody toiling for minor places whilst they display their effortless superiority. It hits commentators particularly badly, because they really want to deploy the Simpsons "Stop! He's already dead!" meme but just know they'll fail to stick the landing and end up confusing people with the wacky cartoon antics of Bart, Lisa-Bike, and their tragic cycling brother Tommy.
Anyway, this year's playground bullies are
Tadej PogaçarAstana, who are crushing all opposition at the bottom of the table. Today saw Cavendish given the stage honours, but also saw more riders succumb to the inevitable. First Eekhoff climbed hoff and effed hoff, and then the commissaires announced that Arnie Demare would not be back. Caught hors delai, confident pundits saying they wouldn't want to lose sprinters at this point should probably have asked themselves why. Have you seen the last two stages?Well obviously not. They're still to come...
André 3000:
Andrex 2 ply:
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Ballerini needs to respect his team leader and get a couple of minutes up the road. Astana didn’t build the whole team round him, it would be disgraceful to deprive SurMark of the greatest prize.
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"SurMark" has an ideal opportunity to romp to victory on Sunday. Just got to remain in contention through tomorrow.
The above may be fact, or fiction, I may be serious, I may be jesting.
I am not sure. You have no chance.Veronese68 wrote:PB is the most sensible person on here.0 -
Is the timecut used on the final stage? He could high-five every fan round the stage.
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There used up be no time limit last day ....but that was a long time ago
"If I was a 38 year old man, I definitely wouldn't be riding a bright yellow bike with Hello Kitty disc wheels, put it that way. What we're witnessing here is the world's most high profile mid-life crisis" Afx237vi Mon Jul 20, 2009 2:43 pm0 -
It’s actually quite canny to send his main rival out ahead of him on Sunday so he has a target to aim for. I’m hoping he stops just short of the finish line and does a no hands track stand until his target time comes up. End with panache.
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They really aren't keen on celebrations with fans in TTs. They hand out fines and time penalties for it.
Oh.
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And so it comes to this.
I'm not a fan of final stage time trials in the Tour de France. For one thing giving Tadej Pogaçar the traditional glass of champagne alongside his team car as they come down the start ramp is asking for trouble.
Neither is there any way to honour riders who have either graced this year's edition or the greats who are likely to be (or confirmed as) retiring. In any normal year Mark Cavendish would be going to bed knowing that tomorrow he'd be given the chance to lead the peloton out onto the Champs Élysées and then, a few laps later, to fight for the stage win.
Instead tomorrow is perhaps the most difficult stage he'll ever have to engineer his way through. Astana have put everything in the line for this moment, and although Ballerini has carried the lanterne superbly he surely knows that the sponsors and fans alike want to see Cavendish crown his career.
With Ballerini going off first Cavendish will know exactly how much time he has to find, and no doubt his teammate will be providing useful advice about the slipperiest tarmac and any road furniture that's particularly suitable for a discreet incident or two. And if all that fails there's always some time bonuses on offer for wearing offensive socks or, as we learned this year, stopping to snog your wife. I hope Peta's bought some nice lipstick along, just in case...
Nice to see you:
To see you, Nice:
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Drizner’s going to deny Astana the full podium
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They’re really sharing out the stages, not like that team at the other end of the race where it’s ’me, me, me’ all the time.
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It's a good point. Whoever takes the prize, the continued harmony in the team has been hugely impressive.
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As for honouring greats this year...
Check item 7 on the agenda for the presentations
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What does item 10 refer to? Temoin is apparently witness but I’m struggling to make sense of the context. Is it the announcement of the next Grand Depart?
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If they accidentally end up reintroducing a podium ceremony for the lanterne rouge I will laugh myself silly.
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I think it's probably the handing over of some theoretical batton to the next grand depart host, like it was the Olympics or something
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Presented by Eddie?
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I'm guessing yes tbh. He can come out and grumpily present some memento so people can shut up about how grumpy he is about it all.
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After making a speech about how his stage wins were far superior
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To be fair the record was no longer Merckx' alone, so there's no pressing reason to.
On the other hand he knows what it really means - a reminder to the world that he's still the one rider that everybody else is judged against. He could lose every record and still be Merckx. I reckon he'd turn up if invited, and even look convincingly pleased to be there.
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Disappointed to see Cav not respecting the competition. He’s turned up with all the aero gear and a TT bike. Have Astana not heard of marginal losses?
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He'll have slipped a bit of bike chain down the seat tube to help him on the climbs and the helmet probably has a handful of lucky pennies taped inside the rim
Also: remember that the aero/weight trade-off for the fast boys at the wrong end of the race is calculated on them riding really, really fast. No aero gains for the extra weight if you're crawling along
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