The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread

No_Ta_Doctor · July 2

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21078359#Comment_21078359

In their sleep, you say?

Apparentæy they've ditched the traditional method of just asking Mørkøv - a man that can tell you what's going on and what the score is in the middle of a madison - and opted for AI instead.

This is either blatant cheating, or the sort of risky business that's going to lead to them doing 80 W/Kg up the wrong climb, while trying to switch gear with 12 sausage fingers that are inexplicably unattached to their hands. Either way the UCI should probably step in.

No I'm not joking, they really are.

https://www.cyclingnews.com/races/tour-de-france-2024/stage-5/preview/

Lanterne_Rogue · July 3

Panic over, Turns out it's not Artificial Intelligence, it's some bloke called Al with a Discovery+ subscription and a novelty calculator shaped like a frog. Somebody just misread. Serif fonts matter, kids.

Lanterne_Rogue · July 3

At approximately 17:39 this evening seismometers around Belgium picked up an unusual tremor. Working to analyse the signal, scientists eventually realised it was the sound of a retired Belgian cyclist throwing the remote control through his television at near relativistic speed as he realised what had just happened...

Eddy who?

Yup, Wim Vansevenant's record is looking under pressure. Faced with an ideal stage to attack Mrkv - allocated to pointlessly shepherd Mark Cavendish towards some idiotic time bonus - the peloton absolutely bottled it. I mean, sure - Tadej Pogacar played "hide the traffic island" to wipe out half a dozen riders, and a few of them sat up a bit early in the fruitless search for an accident to gently collapse into and claim their time from the 5km mark, but today was surely an opportunity to spend some time in a doomed break and then roll in half an hour down. Not a bit of it. Everybody rushed in to try and shake Mark Cavendish's hand instead, presumably before the Baron Merckx rushes in to shake his throat.

In fact only four riders managed to take any time at all. Jesus Herrada somehow finishing a minute behind twenty or so riders behind him (that 5km rule - suggesting that somebody somewhere went A over T unseen by the cameras), Fred Wright and Matteo Vercher gaining a couple of minutes, and finally Sren Waerenskjold earning a bit of respect for Uno-X after an unremarkable tour to date. And if they're going to carry on like this, Mrkv might just be looking at Wim's record...

Project 35:

Level 42:

Pross · July 3

I never expected Cavendish dropping two places on GC due to a rush of blood to the head (effects of yesterday’s altitude maybe) to be a headline on BBC News but that’s what I just saw. He should probably swallow his pride and retire if he keeps doing things like that.

Lanterne_Rogue · July 3

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21078786#Comment_21078786

Naah, it's just his role, isn't it? Get the guys to the last 5km and let them sit up and soak up whatever time gaps they can find, whilst working really hard to anchor them in the hills and mountain stages. One of the best in the business - just a shame the mainstream media never notice it.

pinno · July 3

Chees Ball was shouting expletives on live television, cursing Cav for his blunder. Such was the animosity from his team mates after shepherding him up the lumpy Italian stuff all the while suffering from the nauseous acidic reek emanating from the contents of the Manx man's stomach.

I cannot think of a moment in this great sport where a professional cyclist compromises hours of co-ordination (with a perfectly orchestrated and unique gastric ruse) to get their man towards the pinnacle of the Tdf and then blows it all in a moment of wreckless world class stupidity. Mrkv even followed him all the way to the line trying in vain to get some reason out of the Mad Manx Man asking "What the f*ckety f*ck are you doing you crazy b@stard !?".

I have torn up my betting slip in the same manner Cav has shredded loyalty and team spirit.

I'm disgusted by his actions and can only send my deep condolences to those selfless demoralised domestiques of Team Astana.

pblakeney · July 3

It may have been a bad day for Astana but they are still maintaining their well earned positions.

I fear that they might be reeled in over the next few days but predict a strong comeback later.

No_Ta_Doctor · July 4

I think the UCI need to investigate this result. Having a finish line in the middle of nowhere clearly took many riders by surprise. Caav was just nipping off the front for a pee and suddenly he's under the flag, you can see him throw up his hands in disgust, and Kristoff is literally laughing at him as he comes by

Lanterne_Rogue · July 4

OH MY DAYS!!!!

LOOK AT THIS!

JUST LOOK AT THIS!!!!

Lanterne_Rogue · July 4

For years people* have asked "should Mark Cavendish swallow his pride and retire?" and now - now - we have our answer. No, he flipping well should not. Just yesterday I was writing off his chances - there was no way he could negotiate his way through a field of this quality to challenge for that final elusive win, and yet, and yet, somewhere across the gulf of space minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded the Lanterne with envious eyes and slowly and surely they drew their plans against us. ULLA!

Yup, cue up the epic guitar solos, because the big one is ON. From out of nowhere Cavendish has unlocked the secret to Lanterne success. Simply sit on the back of the team car and watch those lovely forty second time penalties come rolling in. No wonder he was chatting so happily to Mr Prudhomme in his bright red car earlier. No wonder Peta Todd has turned up with the kids to see him. Last night she said she didn't want him to leave his final Tour in an ambulance. Apparently what she really wanted was for him to finish with one of those ideal Lanterne injuries where he toils around France pointlessly, losing time all the while, and collapses across the finish line in glory. Well she might just get her wish, and he doesn't even have to injure himself to do it.

Whereas lesser sprinters - oh, hello Mr Philipsen, imagine seeing you on the naughty chair at a time like this - merely get themselves relegated from the sprint, Cavendish has shown the ability of the true greats to start losing time and keep on losing it even when all seems lost. Remarkable. We shall not see his like again.

I see you baby:

No, really, I see you behind that team car there:

:

*one person, who has been mercilessly and hilariously bullied for it for years now

No_Ta_Doctor · July 4

My word. Incroyablé. The prize Merckx never won, and they're doing their best to give it to Cav

pinno · July 4

Genuis Cav! The only downside is if others cotton on to such cleverness. It would keep Prudhomme exceptionally busy. He would be tearing his grey hair out and would have to furnish himself with a sturdy clipboard, reliable Bic's and extra administrative personnel. It would boost numbers in the cycling industry. In fact, i'm going to write a paper on it and make my fortune.

Pross · July 5

Nice War Of The Worlds reference.

No_Ta_Doctor · July 5

I fear Cav has had a disaster here. He seems to have been caught out playing games with Mørkøv just behind him.

It looks like Jakobsen has taken nearly two minutes on him

https://x.com/eurosportdk/status/1809223779844784362

https://x.com/itvcycling/status/1809211434360045872

JimD666 · July 5

Looks like a good effort for Team dsm. Cav dropped to 3rd 😭

ddraver · July 5

Literally cyclisme a duez vitesses...

https://x.com/eurosport/status/1809230023800295691

Lanterne_Rogue · July 5

And... no.

I'd forgotten about time trials, hadn't I? Clearly season after season of watching Carlton chuckle along with nothing on the screen more interesting than a bloke with his crotch sandpapered to his saddle has been deleted from my brain due to the sheer, mind-numbing, clockwatching tedium of it all.

Anyway, once the commissaires finished arguing about which of Mickey's hands was which it became clear that Cavendish had suffered a terrible jour avec and surrendered his easily won advantage. The big winners were bdsm-firmenich, who found some extra unaerodynamically appropriate nipple clamps and promptly shot to the bottom of the rankings. Cavendish has previous beef at being replaced by Jakobsen at the tour - let's see how he responds...

Election stunts:

Lazy [stop that! stop that! - Ed.]:

Lanterne_Rogue · July 6

With the news from Austria it doesn't really feel right to be joking about a competition that is often driven by the dangers inherent in professional cycling, so I'll just note that Jakobsen took advantage of the teeny-tiny hillock at the end to knock off early for the day and steal a further three minutes or so.

Underall;

Lanterne_Rogue · July 7

And so to Stage 9, and you know how it goes - you head out for an easy ride around the local countryside with your mates, take a wrong turn somewhere and before you know it you're heading down some farm track following some arsehole shouting "I know a shortcut" because he's forgotten he's not on his mountain bike and anyway he always fancied doing some cross. It never is a shortcut, either.

That's clearly what happened today in the tour, with the peloton increasingly disappearing down gravel tracks with Pidcock et al* disappearing into the dust in front of them. Eventually however they all gave up and slinked off back to where they started from in order to give it another go tomorrow. Well, you know what they say - if at first you don't succeed, Troyes, Troyes and Troyes again. And I notice that you didn't get this sort of navigational nonsense when Garmin were sponsoring a team.

At the end of the race that counts, bdsm-firmenich continue to give everyone a good spanking. Jakobsen headed up a four-man break with two teammates and Intermarche-Wanty's Gerben Thijssen to take another huge chunk of time. The Astana lads had another curious jour avec - a reminder perhaps that at one time Cavendish was tipped for success in the classics, Eekhoff and Thijssen dive bomb into the top ten.

Tomorrow's a rest day, hopefully it gives everyone chance to sit down with a map and work out how to find wherever it was that today's stage was actually meant to go.

All for one and one for all:

Muskehounds are always ready:

*I told you there was always some mountain-bike riding arsehole with ludicrous bike handling up front on these days

pblakeney · July 7

After last years nightmare performance as highlighted in Tour de France Unchained it is obvious that Fabio Jakobsen is going all in to win the prestigious jersey this year.

Lanterne_Rogue · July 7

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21080523#Comment_21080523

I think he very well might be.

Exhibit A: you'll notice that he's done absolutely nothing to risk gaining any time bonuses in the sprints so far.

pblakeney · July 7

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21080525#Comment_21080525

First in the winner's autobus too.

Pross · July 7

At least the Wanty rider mugged DSM for the stage. Always good when a team messes up a 3 on 1.

No_Ta_Doctor · July 8

I'm going to say it now, Jakobsen isn't going to make it to Paris.

Well he might make it to Paris, but he's not making it to Nice, which some might consider more important this year. I'd be surprised if he starts stage 15, and shocked if he finishes within the cut.

pinno · July 8

Aaaah, Cav slips an unassailable 20 mins behind the leader. Bollox. Can't be good for his morale. As to Mrkv - what the hell is he doing down there? He's going to slip out of the top ten at this rate.

Which begs more questions:

Is the dark horse Thijsen a flash in the ~~pain chocolat~~ pan or has he got real potential? Intermarche Wonky must be proud of him.

Has Jacobsen finally realised that all that silliness and chaos at the wrong end of the race could be dangerous? I think he's trying to impress Alex as there's a vacancy coming up at the end of the season.

Why isn't Groaningwagon in the mix?

Is Le Gac on a beach somewhere pretending to be Chippo?

Why is it raining again?

Where are my underpants?

Lanterne_Rogue · July 9

So as darkness spreads slowly across the French countryside, it's time to ask the question on everybody's lips. Has today's stage finished yet? Never mind one for the purists - this was one for the insomniacs. And whilst the commentators prayed for wind - I suggest a second helping of sprout vindaloo if that's what you really want, and if nothing else it'll deter wheelsuckers - the entire peloton was duly lulled into a quiet snooze.

In the absence of action, commentators were forced to talk about pretty much anything but cycling - an imposition that weighs more lightly on some motormouths than others. One traditional subject for these days is of course technology, which requires absolutely no insight other than a sprinkling of jargon and a huge dose of prejudice. It was therefore surprising that nobody mentioned Aleksandr Vlasov's revolutionary new frame design. It might look unconventional, but experts agree it could be worth hours on the average flat stage. Unfortunately Vlasov won't be around to make the most of it, having climbed off with a broken ankle. Which, yeah, sounds a bit suboptimal even for a tilt at the Lanterne.

In the underall itself not a lot changed today - with the peloton best described as "sessile" even the biggest chancers couldn't find a way to drop off the back, and indeed could probably have closed the gap through their nail growth alone if they did. The big question now is whether Fabio Jakobsen can survive through the hills, as little else is currently threatening him.

Please release me:

Let me go:

No_Ta_Doctor · July 9

"The peloton best described as sessile"? Did you have a competition to describe it or something?

I'm pretty convinced I could come up with a better description than "lacking a stalk", or for any flowers in the pack, missing a pedicel. Though I guess it's hard to ride with no pedicels (I just need to check that, where's my dictionary?). It could also mean not having a peduncle, which had me checking that Dan Martin really had retired as I'm pretty sure he had one.

But if it's oak by you I'll just leaf you with with that critique.

Lanterne_Rogue · July 9

Also means immobile. Barnacles are sessile. They are also possessed of an unfeasibly large sexual appendage.

I'll leave the peloton to represent themselves in this matter.

No_Ta_Doctor · July 9

Yes. It's why I've always been terrified of pedunculate oak. What exactly do you mean when you tell me it's NOT SESSILE? How fast can it fucking move? Do I need a headstart?

And barnacles have the largest penis to body size ratio of any animal. Which is what you need when your dating app preferences are set to "will not travel"

pinno · July 9

...and though I didn't find a bottle of Sancerre at the local Spar shop, I did find ctrl and the arrows keys on my keyboard. The idea was that I would be clever and use a combination of the above to alliterate the sessile nature of todays mostly unanimated bunch, described perfectly by LR ^ and even Mcewan's export seemed non plussed, resorting to educating us about Notre-Dame des Enfants to alleviate excruciating languor coupled with a vain attempt to compete with Monsieur Bass.

However, the way over priced Australian Sauvignon Blanc that I did find in the Spar shop put paid to any such illusions of literal and descriptive grandeur.

It seems that the damp squib that was stage 10 has carried the desolate cells of Hatch turgidity and co-commentators desultory chatter along the broadband fibres on to my laptop and then through the screen which then actively contaminated and corrupted my already impoverished prefrontal cortex.

Though I will trawl Delia Smiths gastronomic library in an attempt to find the recipe for Sprout Vindaloo. Sprout Vindaloo - what a wonderful idea and by far the highlight of stage 10.

The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread

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OH MY DAYS!!!!

LOOK AT THIS!

JUST LOOK AT THIS!!!!

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