The Lanterne Rouge 2024 Spoiler Thread

I think rest day feeding has become a lot more scientific in recent years, as with all cycling. The old days of simply not eating are long gone.

In other news though, Astana's potential partner X-Lab have already been doing work in the wind tunnel to maximise gains during those tricky time trials. They reckon their integrated combination of helmet, skinsuit and more aerodynamic wheels might be worth as much as five minutes over the typical TT. You'll notice the sock height remains fully UCI compliant:

(If nothing else, I think we can all agree that hat is far more acceptable as an item of cycling accoutrement than Visma's Alien cosplay)

Today was the third rest day of the Tour de France, so obviously there was no action on the Lant-

Oh, hang on. What? WHAT? THAT? Really?

Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, today was the 16th stage of the Tour de France, and viewers were no doubt rivetted by the International Paint Drying Championships on the other channel. When the key moment in the first hour's racing is[checks notes] two grown men going for a wee in public, I think it's fair to say that your premium sporting product might need a little more pizzazz. Or at least a little less pizz. People still argue whether the racing was better when the riders were on drugs; I can guarantee you today's stage was better television if the viewers were.

With everyone fully committed to saving as much energy as possible - and in the case of refusing Sandy Dujardin permission to rejoin the peloton, somehow expend negative levels of energy - absolutely diddly-squat happened in the Lanterne. With everybody fighting hard to place their man at the rear there simply wasn't any opportunity to take time, although a few teams did use it as an opportunity to explore some new tricks to see what the commissaires made of them. This is a standard procedure in cycling. By introducing new components in races where nobody cares - and I remind you that today's stage briefly veered into unchartered territory with negative viewing figures - you get carte blanche to use them when it really matters. And in this respect Uno X played a blinder. Nobody - absolutely nobody - has thought to introduce the Thach weave to cycling before* and yet here they were suddenly demonstrating the full tactical possibilities of the simple roundabout. Look at their works, ye mighty, and despair:

And you thought the pimpicular road gyratories were only there so that Carlton Kirby could persuade the last two viewers to turn over to ITV...

Uno X:

Who knows Y?

*with the possible exception of Philipsen during a dead simple sprint, madly yelling "you weren't there man!" as he wipes out yet another front wheel

Can you believe that today marked Stage 18? Well obviously. That's just how numbers work, isn't it? Should be embarrassed not to have thought of it yourself. And talking of embarrassing numbers...

Yup, that's Magnus Cort there proving that no matter how elite an athlete you might be, getting bored in hotel rooms will sooner or later cause you to do something stupid just the same as the rest of us.

In the race proper Matteo Vercher was hte unlucky rider to fall prey to this stage's titular Gap. Presumably he was distracted by the sheer blandness of its clothing, which traditionally comes in a range of shades from dull grey to forgettable khaki, only enlivened by an occasional splash of beige. The accident - in the rollout zone of all places - caused havoc with Vercher's race plans.

Still dizzy and bewildered, he accidentally joined the break of the day (along with Geraintatric Thomas, who had sworn to do no such thing), and was still there at the end - only realising when he accidentally finished second and burst into tears at his own naivety. The only person to finish quicker, in fact, was victor Victor Campanaerts - so good they named him once. It then transpired that Campanaerts had simply forgotten to phone his girlfriend, and was simply rushing to the finish in order to avoid an angry sulk later.

At the pointy end of the race, and unperturbed by a massive break disappearing over the horizon, the action was also concentrated amongst those riders that posed no threat on LR. The stage was won by funky kerning's Sren Wærenskjold, which made up for Uno-X's multiple recent errors - notably that roundabout farce and leaving a bottle of dye anywhere near vulnerably ennuied riders. It also moved him up into the top ten underall, which only goes to show what might have happened had Uno-X taken the race less seriously.

Blue Monday:

Blue facial fungi:

Stage 19, and a short but vertiginous blast from Embrun to Isola 2000, which is either a member of a dubious Outkast tribute act or, more likely, the victim of a tragic mid-nineties rebrand.

By this stage in the Tour the pecking order is established, the gaps are substantial, and it's time to let the lesser riders have some fun. Or at least it's supposed to be.

Unfortunately there are some people who addicted to winning. When the road goes up and everybody starts grovelling they just can't help but disappear and leave everybody toiling for minor places whilst they display their effortless superiority. It hits commentators particularly badly, because they really want to deploy the Simpsons "Stop! He's already dead!" meme but just know they'll fail to stick the landing and end up confusing people with the wacky cartoon antics of Bart, Lisa-Bike, and their tragic cycling brother Tommy.

Anyway, this year's playground bullies are Tadej Pogaçar Astana, who are crushing all opposition at the bottom of the table. Today saw Cavendish given the stage honours, but also saw more riders succumb to the inevitable. First Eekhoff climbed hoff and effed hoff, and then the commissaires announced that Arnie Demare would not be back. Caught hors delai, confident pundits saying they wouldn't want to lose sprinters at this point should probably have asked themselves why. Have you seen the last two stages?

Well obviously not. They're still to come...

André 3000:

Andrex 2 ply:

It's a good point. Whoever takes the prize, the continued harmony in the team has been hugely impressive.

To be fair the record was no longer Merckx' alone, so there's no pressing reason to.

On the other hand he knows what it really means - a reminder to the world that he's still the one rider that everybody else is judged against. He could lose every record and still be Merckx. I reckon he'd turn up if invited, and even look convincingly pleased to be there.