The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2018 **Spoilers**

Lanterne_Rogue

Worryingly, Kevin Sprouse was on Twitter earlier saying that Captain Craddock was starting to pop up at the front of the peloton and 'working his way back into the mix'.

Not sure he's got the best advisers around him, if I'm totally honest.

https://twitter.com/KevinSprouse/status/1018184044117463040

pinno

underlayunderlay wrote:

Worryingly, Kevin Sprouse was on Twitter earlier saying that Captain Craddock was starting to pop up at the front of the peloton and 'working his way back into the mix'.

Not sure he's got the best advisers around him, if I'm totally honest.

https://twitter.com/KevinSprouse/status/1018184044117463040

However, there may be a glimmer of hope:

More
Replying to @KevinSprouse @Vaughters
Much better than the hack job on VeloNews. I’m surprised they left the piece up after the corrections. “Nothing we based this on is accurate... here it is anyhow.”

0 replies . 0 retweets 1 like
Reply Retweet Like 1

Lanterne_Rogue

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee I'm the leader
I'm the leader

Hang on. Why are those two buggers trying to drop me?

- The Landa, by Roger McGough.

What the hell was that?

Today was where the race for the Lanterne was always going to ignite, but this took it to a new level. The first sign that the GC boys fancied a go was when we saw la Porte defenestrated before the cobbles even began, although he failed to show the mental fortitude for a proper tilt at the Lanterne and climbed off.

French sex kitten Bridget Bardet then decided to show his hand, kicking off an epic series of punctures, bike changes, wheel changes and technological problems that left him punching his electronic shifting buttons like a toddler playing Streetfighter whilst ripped to the tits on e-numbers. Sadly none of this proved successful, and each time his team found him, rounded him up, and cruelly forced him to chase down the lead group in something that literally nobody is calling Groundhog Pavé.

Then the Sky boys chose to get in on the action, starting with a tentative attack by Bernal on an unclassified stretch of cobbles that the marginal gains department had identified as a potential chute opportunity, then Moscon laid his body on the line to give Froome a chance to lose time, Kwia went straight on at a junction, and amongst it all Geraint Thomas just couldn't fall over no matter how he tried. Given what happens when he tries to stay upright, perhaps this tactic deserves further investigation?

Elsewhere pretty much everyone was at it. Dumoulin had another go at being relegated for drafting, de Gendt (who'd spent the build-up telling everyone how he wanted to marry the cobbles because he loves them that much) took the "early break then shoot out the back" tactic, Valgren demonstrated the latest in breathable modern fabrics, Vichot saw more tarmac than he'd have liked, Izagirre demonstrated the latest LR innovation - the pringle-shaped wheel, Majka, Fuglsang...

Look, a whole load of people had opportunities to take time, right? What I didn't have was enough time to note them all down.

One I did note though - Uran was another GC candidate throwing his hat into the ring, or more accurately his bike into the crowd. A rumour on Twitter, the malarial mosquito of fake news, suggested that Lawson Craddock took matters into his own hands and paced Uran back up to the bunch himself rather than risk splitting the team between two LR leaders - a sign that Captain Craddock is totally focused on the task at hand, if true. And that's a big if. More of an if, in fact.

Talking of Craddock takes us neatly back to the Lanterne candidates. Captain Craddock rolled in with about a third of the remaining peloton, along with Groaning Wagon. The latter had cleverly rigged his forks with some sort of explosive device but had less cleverly worked out what would happen once he triggered it - one suspects that it wasn't only his bike that needed changing afterwards. Sieberg, Zabel, Gaudin and Sutherland all dropped out of the top ten, presumably for being the sort of filthy perverts who enjoy cobbles, and Chute or Buyst returned to the standings after a much more competent day. Also returning to unexpected competence were Cofidis, who managed to sneak two riders off the back amongst all the chaos. Claeys and Turgid Tony duly return to the top ten thanks to taking over three minutes longer to finish than anyone else. Rumours are circulating that Cofidis had given them the wrong map and they'd accidentally completed sixteen laps of the velodrome before anyone found them, but being French they're unlikely to get a penalty unless cycling imports some sort of dodgy VAR system.

Join us on Tuesday to discover who won the rest day, and also the return of the girls of Pedally Towers. Given that the latter have only been given one day to play with the boys (boo!) I may well do a preview tomorrow - seems a shame that they only get one day in the sun this year, doesn't it?

Pavé:

158 ANTWAN TOLHOEK 168 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 40' 35'' + 00H 16' 09'' - -
159 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 40' 35'' + 00H 16' 09'' - -
160 PAUL MARTENS 165 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 40' 35'' + 00H 16' 09'' - -
161 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 40' 35'' + 00H 16' 09'' - -
162 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 40' 35'' + 00H 16' 09'' - -
163 GIANNI MOSCON 5 TEAM SKY 03H 40' 49'' + 00H 16' 23'' - -
164 ALEXIS VUILLERMOZ 28 AG2R LA MONDIALE 03H 40' 54'' + 00H 16' 28'' - -
165 DAMIEN HOWSON 66 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 03H 44' 17'' + 00H 19' 51'' - -
166 ANTHONY TURGIS 208 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 03H 44' 17'' + 00H 19' 51'' - -
167 DIMITRI CLAEYS 202 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 03H 44' 17'' + 00H 19' 51'' - -

Passé:

158 DIMITRI CLAEYS 202 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 37H 00' 15'' + 00H 52' 58'' B : 3'' -
159 DAMIEN HOWSON 66 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 37H 00' 31'' + 00H 53' 14'' - -
160 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 37H 01' 57'' + 00H 54' 40'' - -
161 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 37H 03' 08'' + 00H 55' 51'' B : 20'' -
162 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 37H 04' 23'' + 00H 57' 06'' - -
163 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 37H 04' 29'' + 00H 57' 12'' - -
164 ANTHONY TURGIS 208 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 37H 05' 22'' + 00H 58' 05'' - -
165 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 37H 07' 15'' + 00H 59' 58'' B : 4'' -
166 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 37H 09' 46'' + 01H 02' 29'' - -
167 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 37H 27' 18'' + 01H 20' 01'' - -

ShutupJens

That was an excellent read

pinno

'Groaning Wagon' - brilliant.

I see that Le Gac had an absolute howler today coming in 62 places off the top. That or perhaps he wants another contract so that he can have a go next year.

above_the_cows

Le Gac went and got himself in the break yesterday! I only noticed him being there because of all his valiant efforts in last year's Lanterne.

Lanterne_Rogue

Monday 1st January

Consumed today:

16 energy gels
13 1/2 bidons
32 Maltesers (two missing from the box - will make note to kill Phil later)
Five Soreen
Two massive cakes during cake stop

Miles ridden: Two (one to cake stop, one back. It's CHRISTMAS, FFS)

Otley. My house.

Ugh. The last thing on Earth I need right now, physically or mentally, is thinking about cycling. Have you seen Otley in Winter? Unfortunately when the phone rang Philip got there first, and merrily confirmed that 'yes, I was available' before I could find a way to strangle him with his own inner tubes. Worse, this meant that there was now a witness to my presence at the time of the murder, so I couldn't even get my revenge later.

"Lizzie, darling!"

Christian. What the hell was he doing phoning at this time?

"Hello Christian, what a pleasant surprise," I lied.

"Lizzie, darling - we're planning a little, 'ow do you say, sheendig in the summer for some lovely ladies. How would you like to have a little champagne with me on a podium?"

Oh god. Ever since Gary Verity had got me to drink Christian under the table at the Junction, Christian had never stopped banging on about my drinking habit. In truth I had barely had anything that night, just ten or eleven pints of Black Sheep with a creme-de-menthe chaser, but Christian had got so completely bladdered that he'd somehow signed a contract to bring the Tour de France to Yorkshire. Ugh. Anyway, I needed an excuse, and quickly.

"There might be a problem, Christian," I lied. "I can't drink champagne."

"'Ave those ridiculous people from British Cycling been on at you again?" asked Christian. "I can't believe it - no champagne, but enough ventolin to kill a horse. What is wrong with you British?"

"Er, no," I stalled - then panicked wildly. "I, er, it's- er, I'm pregnant."

"Ah, congratulations, Lizzie! Such a shame. How about 2019 then?"

I hurriedly got Christian off the phone and hoped Philip hadn't been paying attention. The first day of the year had been a real horror, without- Oh god. Philip had been listening, and was now optimistically leering at me.

"Philip. In my right hand is an inner tube. Do you know how long it would take you to pass out if I were to tighten it around your neck?"

"Er, no?"

"Don't make me find out."

- Extract from Lizzie Deignan's Diary, by Helen Wheeling.

So to la Course, of course - because La Course, a course.

Last year's competition (have one climb, kick the Lanterne contenders out for no apparent reason, than have a farcical time trial on the Champs Elysees in which the predetermined winner is given a massive headstart and everyone else rolls around wondering why the hell they signed up to it, whilst the organisers hope to god nobody asks them a difficult question like 'how the hell does this format work?' or 'think this makes up for a lack of a Tour Feminin, do you?') turned out to be quite the raging disappointment.

Stung by criticism that offering two days of racing, or rather one day of racing and a ridiculous time trial featuring less than a quarter of the field, was a bit light on the 'égalité', stank heavily of being organised by the fraternité, and was taking too much of a liberté, this year the "organisers" have decided to halve the number of days and bury it at the start of the second week in the hope that nobody notices they should have gone to the UK instead where they do it properly.

I digress.

I've tried to catch up with what's actually going on this year but the website is every bit as helpful as a mobile phone company complaints procedure. The press release claims that the stage is 112.5km long, but that it'll be competed on 78km of the men's stage, which either means there's another chunk in the middle or that they've done a wonky job on the old find and replace routine in the press release. It also says something that when I went to check last year's GC they're still waiting for a result, presumably because some poor sod is still sitting with a stopwatch on the Champs wondering when the rest of the field is going to turn up.

I'd give you a run down of some likely candidates, but I took a look at the start list and immediately noticed that twenty teams of six riders have somehow been given start numbers up to 196, and let's face it - this preview is already taking the race a damned sight more seriously that La Tour appears to be. Let's hope something changes soon.

The best punditry I can give you is that Megan Guarnier takes Captain Craddock's lucky 13; Van Vleuten is carrying far too much form from the Giro to bother the right end of the race; and Jessica Allen was the lowest placed finisher on the Giro Rosa to be riding tomorrow - she should be a fairly decent pick. Personally I'm disappointed that neither of the Barnes sisters will be there, as the parcours looks perfect for sprinters.

Catch us tomorrow to find out if La Course bother publishing results...

Lanterne_Rogue

Up in the dormitory, the girls were whispering.

"I say, Ruth, it's been awfully good of sadistic games Mistress Ms Prudhomme to take us to France on our way home from the class trip to Italy, hasn't it?"
"It's been super, Lizzie, but I can't help but wish all our friends were here."
"I know. It's such a shame about Femke being expelled, but you know she was caught with that suspicious motorised device."
"Well quite. I'm not surprised the teachers found out about it though. Nicole said she could hear the motor buzzing away all night long."
"And I'm sure Femke would have loved vibrating across the Parisian cobbles."
Ruth's face fell. "Haven't you heard, Lizzie? Ms Prudhomme's cancelled the jaunt to Paris."
"Not again, Ruth? That really is beastly of her."
"Yes, apparently we have to go to Annecy to investigate a curse."
"Well that certainly sounds like the sort of unlikely mystery with accompanying scenes of mild peril that we normally fall into. I just hope it's more fun than Marseille last year."
"There was nothing wrong with Marseille last year, Lizzie. Remember our completely contrived adventure by the docks that we had purely for the purposes of a cheap punchline? We were virtually swimming in seamen."
"Well this year I want to meet some wholesome boys."
"Well I hope they won't be for long. Now pass us another rollie and I'll cap us another bottle of this extra-proof ginger beer."

- The Girls of Pedally Towers Ride Again, by Beryl Blyton

As promised, this year the organisers haven't come up with some stupid format for the second day. They've just cancelled it altogether. On the bright side at least that means we know who the winner was, and there's even a possibility that it's been recorded accurately on the official site.

We didn't get to see the early stages of today's race, but Ruth Winder apparently took the first mountain point so I suspect she was doing the traditional one-two attack of getting up front and then slowing up when everybody else caught her. Like Amy Winehouse she managed to get back to Blaak and then took advantage of the final ramp to finish at the back of the bunch. snatching it to scenes of great excitement in the final 10m.

But calamity!

Britain's very own Elizabeth Banks had already popped off the back with nobody noticing, and duly took the Lanterne Rouge with a solo attack. A deficit of 50 seconds on a stage where the autobus was expecting to roll in together is quite some achievement and makes Banks a deserving Lanterne.

If you liked it, then you should have put a bell on it:

51 ANOUSKA KOSTER 53 WAOWDEALS PRO CYCLING TEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
52 LOURDES OYARBIDE JIMENEZ 168 MOVISTAR TEAM WOMEN 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
53 BLANCA LILIANA MORENO CANCHON 133 ASTANA WOMEN'S TEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
54 KATHRIN HAMMES 174 TREK - DROPS 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
55 NICOLE HANSELMANN 72 CERVELO - BIGLA PRO CYCLING TEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
56 EVA BUURMAN 172 TREK - DROPS 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
57 SABRINA STULTIENS 51 WAOWDEALS PRO CYCLING TEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
58 CHANTAL BLAAK 11 BOELS DOLMANS CYCLINGTEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
59 AMY PIETERS 15 BOELS DOLMANS CYCLINGTEAM 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
60 ROZANNE SLIK 36 FDJ NOUVELLE - AQUITAINE FUTUROSCOPE 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
61 RUTH WINDER 96 TEAM SUNWEB 03H 36' 25'' + 00H 15' 42'' - -
62 ELIZABETH BANKS 152 UNITEDHEALTHCARE PRO CYCLING TEAM 03H 37' 15'' + 00H 16' 32'' - -

above_the_cows

These last two posts. Superb. I'm surprised Edwige Pitel at 51 years of age was not in the select group of Lanterne contenders. Well done her, or not, depending on your priorities.

Lanterne_Rogue

Above The Cows wrote:

These last two posts. Superb. I'm surprised Edwige Pitel at 51 years of age was not in the select group of Lanterne contenders. Well done her, or not, depending on your priorities.

Ah, what? A name like Edwige in the peloton and I didn't get to do a Harry Potter spoof?

Oh FFS!!!

above_the_cows

Surely she wants a nice sit down, a cup of tea and a plate of madeleines at her age.*





*Not really, she can do whatever she wants, awesome, what's age if nothing but a number unless you're into unsavoury and illegal nonsense.

Lanterne_Rogue

I don't want to wrong anybody, so will not place on the record my suspicions about who switched the signs to direct the men's peloton over not one but two entirely superfluous mountains, but given the motive and opportunity available to La Course then even an easygoing chap like Bertimo Roosen is inclined to side with old Pop Kipling when he warns that the F of the S is more D than the M. - from Jeeves and the Yellow Jersey, by PG Madhouse

After the unexpectedly exciting finish to La Course, it was the men's turn to show us all how it ought to be done, and they didn't fail to disappoint. We'd been given some mountains after a week of yearning, we'd been promised swashbuckling attacks from the GC candidates to reassert their authority, and even if it totally neutralised the Lanterne then at least we wouldn't be subjected to the embarrassment of GVA rolling off up the road to farcially extend his lead in the yellow jersey.

Hang on, give me a minute here so I can check the results.

Ah.

Oh.

Well this is embarrassing...

Back at the proper end of the race, today's stage wasn't overly promising. Loading a stage up with lots of climbs and barely any time to recover is always going to result in an autobus, but because this was the first stage of that nature at least it was always going to shake out the rankings and leave us with a better idea of who is going to be contesting this year's Lanterne in earnest.

The first surprise was that Captain Craddock wasn't in the last group on the road. In fact at one point we saw him happily rolling along next to Chris Froome, which wasn't a tactic we expected from either party. It might be speculated that Craddock has allowed the rest of the field to take time, but a more sober analysis is that the sprinters came in just thirty seconds before the time cut, and sprinting after some of the top sprinters in the world with a broken shoulder to just make the time cut is probably another one of those things that the doctors warn you against. Craddock appears to have judged his effort accordingly to manage his losses whilst minimising the risk.

The other surprise was that the first proper mountain stage didn't really shake up the standings that much. Damien Howson was the only rider to suffer from higher aspirations, finishing 11 minutes or so down on GVA, but everyone else turned in a respectable time. Claeys lost a little but was only really displaced from the top ten due to better performances by some of the sprinters, and not because he was misguidedly trying to better himself; the other movements were simply a shuffling of the pack. Mark Renshaw took honours for the day, led out ably by Cavendish to just displace Groaning Wagon, and Audrey Hepburn came back from her Roman holiday to take third.

Join us tomorrow for a stage in a Renault Espace with a St Bernard, if my handwriting is to be believed.

Strade bianche:

156 GUILLAUME VAN KEIRSBULCK 218 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
157 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
158 TIMOTHY DUPONT 213 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
159 MARK CAVENDISH 131 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
160 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
161 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
162 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
163 MICHAEL HEPBURN 65 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
164 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -
165 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 59' 29'' + 00H 34' 02'' - -

Strava blanks:

156 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 41H 53' 54'' + 01H 19' 26'' - -
157 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 41H 55' 14'' + 01H 20' 46'' - -
158 ANTHONY TURGIS 208 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 41H 55' 52'' + 01H 21' 24'' - -
159 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 41H 59' 17'' + 01H 24' 49'' - -
160 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 42H 02' 37'' + 01H 28' 09'' B : 20'' -
161 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 42H 03' 03'' + 01H 28' 35'' - -
162 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 42H 03' 52'' + 01H 29' 24'' - -
163 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 42H 03' 58'' + 01H 29' 30'' - -
164 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 42H 06' 44'' + 01H 32' 16'' B : 4'' -
165 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 42H 20' 35'' + 01H 46' 07'' - -

pinno

Okay, Captain Craddock has had a slight off but has he had a "mechanical" and if not, why not?
A mechanical 20 yards* from the line as he slips off the back of the autobus would surely warrant sympathetic inclusion from Monsieur Commischef. or is that too much of a gamble?
I mean ffs, Brigitte Bardet has had many.

*Roughly 7 meters (I am a remoaner after all).

ridgerider

I can report that the autobus going up the col de romme was like seeing a small shoal of fish out of water. No idol chit chat, just a lot of blank sweaty face gazing blankly ahead gasping for air...

No_Ta_Doctor

I don't think Craddock can hold his spot much longer, unfortunately. I think he's going to have to ride ahead of le autobus on every mountain stage. He can't brake without pain, so hangs off the back by a couple of metres to give himself some leeway. That's not going to help his descending, and le autobus is well known for absolutely bombing it on descents. I don't think he can ride with them, and if he rides behind them.... 38" isn't a lot of room for error.

m.r.m.

As his DS I'd call it and ask him to step off. He has done much more than could be expected and now it's time for healing and recovery. He is young and a solid talent that should be protected (from himself). Even his charity has raised beyond 100k.

Maybe not fighting it and letting the time cut off get him is the most elegant solution.

ShutupJens

M.R.M. wrote:

As his DS I'd call it and ask him to step off. He has done much more than could be expected and now it's time for healing and recovery. He is young and a solid talent that should be protected (from himself). Even his charity has raised beyond 100k.

Maybe not fighting it and letting the time cut off get him is the most elegant solution.

His struggles are perhaps a welcome distraction for the team, from Uran not being able to pull out a performance like last year

m.r.m.

True, but when do you need to step in and protect the young rider's future?

ShutupJens

M.R.M. wrote:

True, but when do you need to step in and protect the young rider's future?

When they saw the result of the x ray. I completely agree with you btw, just because a rider can ride on, and makes the time cut, doesn't mean that it's worth doing.

Remember when JC Peraud crashed in a TT recce and then crashed again in the TT, onto an already broken collarbone? I'm very concerned that that will happen again

larkim

Isn't this a bit serious stuff for this thread?

Lanterne_Rogue

larkim wrote:

Isn't this a bit serious stuff for this thread?

The lanterne is deadly serious.

I think Craddock's major problem is that having got through the cobbles and dropping the sprinters yesterday, the penny might finally drop for the team that they can get some useful work out of him. That'd really scupper his chances.

As for the injury itself, I guess we can only trust the team doctor when he says it's a hairline crack that won't get any worse. Allegedly the problem is more the reaction of the soft tissues around it, although I suspect that means that it's the soft tissue that affects things like posture on the bike, and the pain is still due to the break. it didn't show on an x-ray though, so presumably it's genuinely not a wide/deep crack?

ShutupJens

With Rolland failing to even get into a break, never mind threatening to assault everyone's eyes with the polkadot Jersey this year, and Uran shipping almost 6 mins yesterday, as well as Seps refusal to bother racing over the cobbles, the lantern really is the last hope for EF to win something this tour

Lanterne_Rogue

Let me say that when I talk of disasters I speak with authority. After all, I have seen Euskatel riding a crosswind, and if you picture the biggest born fools who rode a bike in the last century – Farrar taking a corner, Ricco taking a test*, Michael Rasmussen riding a time trial– I saw them all.

Think of all the conceivable misfortunes that can arise from combinations of folly, cowardice and sheer bad luck, and I’ll give you chapter and verse. But I still state unhesitatingly that for pure, vacillatingly stupid staring at each other to do something whilst Froome rides off down the road, for superb incompetence in ignoring commands and elbowing each other into bollards in the neutralised zone, for tactical ignorance combined with bad judgement – in short, for the true talent for catastrophe – Movistar's "three leader" policy stood alone. Others abide our question, but Movistar outshines them all as the greatest cycling idiots of our own or any other day.

Only they could have permitted the Second Alpine Stage and let it develop to such ruinous defeat. It was not easy: they started with a good team, a secure position, some excellent riders up the road, a disorganized enemy, and repeated opportunities to save the situation. But Movistar, with the touch of true genius, swept aside these obstacles with unerring precision, and out of order wrought complete chaos. We shall not, with luck, look upon the like again. - from Flash on Tour, by George MacDonald's Burger

There's a fine line to be trodden when competing for the Lanterne Rouge. Obviously there's always time there for the taking - wide open roads behind you, a peloton not paying attention, the scent of an opening to take time - but if you attack there's always the risk that you go too hard too early and put yourself into the red. I'll confess that my heart soared when I heard a British rider was risking an audacious attack on his leader on today's stage, but deep down I knew it was surely doomed to failure - Cavendish was never going to be able to take enough time from Renshaw to take de facto team leadership and yet make the time cut.

Cavendish eventually reached the top of Les Rozzers some sixty-five minutes after Geraint Thomas - probably hoping that if he turned up late enough les Rozzers would already have buggered off and wouldn't be there to kick him off the tour - and finished hors delia, which is something to do with the patron saint of cooking, I think**. Anyway, his ridiculous gain of nearly forty minutes (they'd packed away the clock, so it's hard to be precise) on Lawson Craddock was a marvellous demonstration of tenacity, but a slightly less marvellous demonstration of how to get yourself kicked off the race for turning the Lanterne into a farce. I know they have to protect the integrity of the competition by doing this, but it always hurts. Mark Renshaw and Marcel's Kitten suffered a similar fate, although Rick Zabel somehow escaped because - and I quote - "He was waiting for Kittel". Presumably one of Beckett's lesser known efforts, but a handy tip for any of us about to face some sort of appraisal at work - make sure one of your colleagues is worse and claim you were going slowly because you were trying to help them.

Elsewhere, Captain Craddock maintained his risk averse policy, trading safety for time, although the demise of Kittel and Renshaw means that he's actually increased his lead. Otherwise there's a little bit of place swapping, but generally the mountains are doing what the mountains do and neutralising the competition.

Alpe d'Heuz tomorrow - but has anyone else ever wondered what happened to Alpes Dewez and Louez?

Go West:

153 DAMIEN GAUDIN 185 DIRECT ENERGIE 03H 58' 07'' + 00H 28' 31'' - -
154 NIKI TERPSTRA 108 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 03H 58' 41'' + 00H 29' 05'' - -
155 MAXIMILIANO ARIEL RICHEZE 107 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 03H 58' 41'' + 00H 29' 05'' - -
156 MICHAEL HEPBURN 65 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 03H 58' 54'' + 00H 29' 18'' - -
157 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 58' 58'' + 00H 29' 22'' - -
158 TONY GALLOPIN 25 AG2R LA MONDIALE 03H 58' 58'' + 00H 29' 22'' - -
159 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 58' 58'' + 00H 29' 22'' - -
160 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 58' 58'' + 00H 29' 22'' - P : 00' 20''
161 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 03H 59' 01'' + 00H 29' 25'' - -
162 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 01' 08'' + 00H 31' 32'' - -

Gone South:

153 FABIEN GRELLIER 186 DIRECT ENERGIE 45H 47' 38'' + 01H 41' 22'' B : 2'' P : 00' 10''
154 JACOPO GUARNIERI 153 GROUPAMA - FDJ 45H 48' 23'' + 01H 42' 07'' - -
155 ANTHONY TURGIS 208 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 45H 51' 35'' + 01H 45' 19'' - -
156 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 45H 52' 15'' + 01H 45' 59'' - -
157 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 45H 55' 02'' + 01H 48' 46'' - -
158 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 45H 58' 35'' + 01H 52' 19'' - P : 00' 20''
159 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 46H 00' 04'' + 01H 53' 48'' - -
160 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 46H 01' 35'' + 01H 55' 19'' B : 20'' -
161 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 46H 02' 50'' + 01H 56' 34'' - -
162 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 46H 16' 18'' + 02H 10' 02'' - -


* Surely the only rider who could get popped taking a driving test, let alone doping control
** Football fans, on the other hand, know Delia as the patron saint of embarrassing yourself after one too many vinos in the directors' box. "Let's be 'avin ya!"

Lanterne_Rogue

larkim wrote:

Isn't this a bit serious stuff for this thread?

btw, to come back to this for a second, because I didn't have time earlier, I know that the Lanterne is a chance to lighten up a bit and view cycling from a different angle - in my case an entirely imaginary one - but it's also a chance to find different stories that don't necessarily pop up elsewhere.

As an example, Lawson's clearly the breakout story but I've ended up checking for stories on Grondahl Jansen tonight to understand why he's right down at the bottom. He's Groenewgen's chaperone, basically, but I've found some marvellous stuff through Google Translate ("It was clear that stage winner Groenewegen was very pleased with the work the Norwegian had done. He gave him a proper bum clam"). I've also learnt that "Dylan Groenewegen had had several spreadsheets that would suit him well", which implies it's not just boring, boring Sky who go weak at the sight of a nicely formatted table.

As for Craddock. I suspect he will make it to Paris now, and the following article gives some insight into why they don't expect the shoulder to get more damaged: http://www.cyclingnews.com/features/pushing-past-the-pain-getting-lawson-craddock-through-the-tour-de-france/

Bo Duke

I see Cavendish and Renshaw over cooked their attempt to steal time yesterday and got thrown out of the race. It serves as a timely reminder that the LR is very serious business and anyone thinking they can stop for refreshment then sneak home after dark without getting caught is deluded. Captain Craddock is earning his keep, good luck to the lad, sterling effort to be down more than 2 hours after only 11 stages. Lotto are stacking the pack with 4 riders in contention, we need to watch them carefully to ensure no underhand tactics against the Captain.

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

* Surely the only rider who could get popped taking a driving test, let alone doping control

It is a matter that vexes me beyond mere irritation that there is a footnote with no corresponding marker in the main body of the text. What is this a footnote to? A stray thought that never made it into words? A salacious claim expunged by the publisher's lawyers? Some random aspect of the universe, that bears an implicit yet obvious asterisk in its very existence?

And yet, this vexation calls forth my inquisitiveness, it provokes a deeper process of reflection, refraction, and possibly fractional distillation, with ensuing effects.

Is this a rhetorical device, used to uncover the inherent footnotability of all text, an unburdening of the rigours of exposition in favour of the ultimately arbitrary nature of all writing? It presents us with a manifesto of interpretativity - not only do we need to be attentive toward what is written, but to be open to what is not written. In calling into being their thoughts and visions the author aborts yet other perspectives. The birth of the text is the death of the not-text. Here we are being called to bear witness to the vanishing twin that is fundamental to all writing, we are exposed to the not-written that lies at the core of the written*.








*Exposing the not-written to us is taking bloody liberties, if you ask me. I only came to read the bloody stage report, not to have the author's interpretative moulding of the the world as text thrust upon my conciousness. I don't want people breaking the bloody fourth wall or telling me how sausages are made.

Lanterne_Rogue

I thought rhetorical devices were banned under various terrorism acts?

Now fixed ;-)

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

I thought rhetorical devices were banned under various terrorism acts?

Now fixed ;-)

Bloody well should be*


















.

Lanterne_Rogue

The team leader spread the route map across the bed with a dramatic flourish.

"Here!", he said, jabbing a finger at a collection of contour lines. Tomorrow we attack here!"

In his yellow jersey, Thomas was puzzled. "Attack? Attack who?"

His team leader smiled an enigmatic smile, and said no more.

High drama in the Lanterne Rouge today, as several riders bit the dust and Captain's Craddock's serene progress took an enexpected knock.

Yes, after a week of sitting safely at the back of the peloton and simply managing the time gaps to his rivals, Captain Craddock got one whiff of the beery fumes rolling off Alpe d'Huez and was instantly transformed into the sort of rampaging monster only hitherto imagined in the wilder prohibitionist magazines. Kicking small children out of his way and deliberately riding over the toes of anyone who looked even vaguely Dutch, Hulk Craddock blasted his way up the mountain and finished a ridiculous, Lanterne-threatening, 42nd place. The Lanterne Rouge is no stranger to collapses, but it usually involves competitors being carried away on their shields - not this sort of nonsense. I'd say it's the greatest comeback since Lazarus, but has anyone ever stopped to check his palmares? Nope, thought not.

Whilst Craddock's team seek a TUE for a crate of Budweiser to put Craddock off ever going near alcohol again*, the Lanterne Rouge competition behind him (ahead of him? This gets even more confusing when he's charging off up the road to scalp Adam Yates by more than five minutes) continued to evolve.

The obvious change is that Groaning Wagon and tribute act Rick Zabel both climbed off, allowing everyone else to shuffle up on LR. Timo Roosen put in a decent shift to leapfrog Jansen and Thomson into second place and close the gap with Craddock to just over six minutes. Shoot or De Buyst climbs to fifth, and Groupama FDJ show signs of rescuing an underwhelming tour thanks to Jacopo Guarnieri's marvellous 38 minute loss.

Join us tomorrow to discover the answer to the age-old philosophical question: if a sprint happens and no sprinters are actually there, does a sprint actually happen?

St John Ambulance:

144 TIMOTHY DUPONT 213 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 05H 54' 12'' + 00H 35' 35'' - -
145 OLIVIERO TROIA 98 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 05H 54' 59'' + 00H 36' 22'' - -
146 MARCO MARCATO 96 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 05H 55' 01'' + 00H 36' 24'' - -
147 MICHAEL HEPBURN 65 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 05H 55' 29'' + 00H 36' 52'' - -
148 JACK BAUER 62 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 05H 55' 47'' + 00H 37' 10'' - -
149 RAMON SINKELDAM 157 GROUPAMA - FDJ 05H 56' 13'' + 00H 37' 36'' - -
150 ROMAIN HARDY 44 TEAM FORTUNEO - SAMSIC 05H 56' 30'' + 00H 37' 53'' - P : 00' 20''
151 JACOPO GUARNIERI 153 GROUPAMA - FDJ 05H 56' 40'' + 00H 38' 03'' - -
152 MAXIMILIANO ARIEL RICHEZE 107 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 05H 56' 56'' + 00H 38' 19'' - -
153 LUKE DURBRIDGE 63 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 05H 58' 04'' + 00H 39' 27'' - P : 00' 20''

St Michael Underpants:

144 CHRISTOPHE LAPORTE 201 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 51H 34' 02'' + 02H 09' 19'' - P : 00' 20''
145 DAMIEN GAUDIN 185 DIRECT ENERGIE 51H 35' 45'' + 02H 11' 02'' - P : 00' 10''
146 FABIEN GRELLIER 186 DIRECT ENERGIE 51H 38' 42'' + 02H 13' 59'' B : 2'' P : 00' 10''
147 ANTHONY TURGIS 208 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 51H 43' 06'' + 02H 18' 23'' - -
148 JACOPO GUARNIERI 153 GROUPAMA - FDJ 51H 45' 03'' + 02H 20' 20'' - -
149 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 51H 45' 22'' + 02H 20' 39'' - P : 00' 20''
150 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 51H 49' 19'' + 02H 24' 36'' - -
151 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 51H 50' 46'' + 02H 26' 03'' - P : 00' 20''
152 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 51H 52' 20'' + 02H 27' 37'' - P : 00' 20''
153 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 51H 58' 34'' + 02H 33' 51'' - -


* S'okay - as beer goes it's almost homeopathic anyway.

pinno

I don't know who's who or what's what. I am confused. Very confused. I clicked on this link by complete accident*. Well that's a complete lie. Mrs** Pinno rolled over on the couch and her knee hit the mouse***. Now I find myself propelled deep back into Lawson in wonderland. A land full of beer fumes, of strange blue smoke at the 'orange corner' (explain that one) in a slightly hilly part of deepest Europe where sharks fall over and where a Welshman went a bit silly****.
A dream world, A catatonic state induced by NoTADoctor's strange critique and rhetoric. I can just about hang on to the coat tails of Underlay**** x 2 but now I find myself being spat out the back like Cavendish/Renshaw....

*This link: https://twitter.com/Knobmoomin/status/6 ... 7906909184
**Not quite but she might as well be
***I need to talk to my cat
****Nothing unusual there boyo
*****The mad Hatter(*2)?

*2. It's his party after all.

Footnote: [I thought Bardot should have cut the elastic tied to his saddle at one end and the other tied to Grunting Thomas' Handlebars but that's just me and I can only explain Captain Craddock's strange performance by pain killers heightened by altitude sickness.]