The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2018 **Spoilers**

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Comments

  • ShutupJens
    ShutupJens Posts: 1,373
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that
  • No_Ta_Doctor
    No_Ta_Doctor Posts: 14,651
    ShutupJens wrote:
    Despite his best efforts, Bennati still got round significantly faster than Claeys, Laporte and Turgis from Cofidis, who managed to clip off and work together to gain some time on GC

    Not according to the times on Procyclingstats - they've got him at a supreme 5'24", a good minute slower than the Cofidis boys.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format
  • specialgueststar
    specialgueststar Posts: 3,418
    Claeys going on the offensive in a 4 up that can only be caught and spit out at 20km leaving him coming in on a hill like a jellyfish in an earthquake with potentially an 8 minutes plus loss ..

    Good work !!
  • No_Ta_Doctor
    No_Ta_Doctor Posts: 14,651
    SpecialGuestStar wrote:
    Claeys going on the offensive in a 4 up that can only be caught and spit out at 20km leaving him coming in on a hill like a jellyfish in an earthquake with potentially an 8 minutes plus loss ..

    Good work !!

    Cofidis have definitely improved tactically under the new management.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    Tactical, innit? If he wallows home in a terrible time the team'll send him home for his own good. This way he gets to limp onwards because they think he might turn out to be useful.
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • timoid.
    timoid. Posts: 3,133
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    Haimar Zubeldia

    Doesn't appear on the start list (and has allegedly retired), but neither of these things particularly convince me. For starters, how can anyone tell?

    See you tomorrow for the first update...

    This is coffee spitting genius. Chapeau sir!
    It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
  • specialgueststar
    specialgueststar Posts: 3,418
    edited July 2018
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    I'll tell you now his heart is not in it - whereas the real contenders on anything more than a motorway bridge will look like they are pulling a tractor in the dunes - he's got that achillies of PRIDE which is a definite hindrance
  • Pross
    Pross Posts: 43,463
    SpecialGuestStar wrote:
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    I'll tell you know his heart is not in it - whereas the real contenders on anything more than a motorway bridge will look like they are pulling a tractor in the dunes - he's got that achillies of PRIDE which is a definite hindrance

    I think you are gonna find, when this Tour is over ... I think you're gonna find yourself one smiling mother****er. The thing is, Lawson, right now, you've got ability. But painful as it may be, ability don't last. And your days are just about over. Now, that's a hard mother****ing fact of life. But it's a fact of life your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. See, this business is filled to the brim with unrealistic mother****ers. Mother****ers who thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't. Besides, Lawson, how many Tours you think you got left in you anyway? Two? Cyclists don't have an "old timer's league". You came close, but you never made it, and if you were gonna make it, you would have made it before now.

    The day of the ride, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride ****ing with you. **** pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.
  • hamish_mctavish
    hamish_mctavish Posts: 142
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    Tactical, innit? If he wallows home in a terrible time the team'll send him home for his own good. This way he gets to limp onwards because they think he might turn out to be useful.
    I think you've missed the big story here - possibly the greatest move ever in LR tactics. Craddock is donating $200 to charity for each stage that he finishes and inviting others to join him. He is therefore completely impervious to all atempts to get him off the Tour and I suspect will not be subject to standard cut off times and so can even gain big time in the previously irrelevant mountain stages. Genius.

    His charity page is here if anyone is interested: https://www.gofundme.com/lc039s-fight-for-paris
  • ShutupJens
    ShutupJens Posts: 1,373
    No tA Doctor wrote:
    ShutupJens wrote:
    Despite his best efforts, Bennati still got round significantly faster than Claeys, Laporte and Turgis from Cofidis, who managed to clip off and work together to gain some time on GC

    Not according to the times on Procyclingstats - they've got him at a supreme 5'24", a good minute slower than the Cofidis boys.

    Apologies I read it as having finished 5:24 down on his own team rather than the time of BMC. That makes a lot more sense
  • specialgueststar
    specialgueststar Posts: 3,418
    Hamish McTavish wrote:
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    Tactical, innit? If he wallows home in a terrible time the team'll send him home for his own good. This way he gets to limp onwards because they think he might turn out to be useful.
    I think you've missed the big story here - possibly the greatest move ever in LR tactics. Craddock is donating $200 to charity for each stage that he finishes and inviting others to join him. He is therefore completely impervious to all atempts to get him off the Tour and I suspect will not be subject to standard cut off times and so can even gain big time in the previously irrelevant mountain stages. Genius.

    His charity page is here if anyone is interested: https://www.gofundme.com/lc039s-fight-for-paris

    Doesn't he need a TUE for this type of enhancing behaviour?
  • Pross
    Pross Posts: 43,463
    SpecialGuestStar wrote:
    Hamish McTavish wrote:
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    ShutupJens wrote:
    In fact Craddock, despite clearly trying very hard, still finished in a faster time than the whole of the Cofidis team. If he is going to make a serious run at this competition he needs to do better than to make amateurish mistakes like that

    Tactical, innit? If he wallows home in a terrible time the team'll send him home for his own good. This way he gets to limp onwards because they think he might turn out to be useful.
    I think you've missed the big story here - possibly the greatest move ever in LR tactics. Craddock is donating $200 to charity for each stage that he finishes and inviting others to join him. He is therefore completely impervious to all atempts to get him off the Tour and I suspect will not be subject to standard cut off times and so can even gain big time in the previously irrelevant mountain stages. Genius.

    His charity page is here if anyone is interested: https://www.gofundme.com/lc039s-fight-for-paris

    Doesn't he need a TUE for this type of enhancing behaviour?

    Blatant financial doping
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    The sweat was lashin oafay Sick Boy, the wee skinny smeghead. I wis jist sittin thair, focussin oan the peloton, trying not to notice him coughing aloang side me, and the scunner wis bringin me doan. Any minute naw them Quickstep feckers are goan tae get ready for some serious swedgin, and we doan't need no fancae Sky riders in the way, ye ken.

    - Rensh, have yae no seen my inhaler? Sick Boy gasped, shaking his head. I need a hit.

    - Naw, I sais. Why not gae back tae yer car? I jist wanted the radge tae git off oat of ma visage pronto. We had business tae see tae.

    - I jist naed a wee puff of the good stuff, sais Sick Boy. I doan need the team car, ye ken, jist a puff'll do.

    - Hae ye no' got yer jiffy? I nearly sais, bit the race wir kickin oaf naw and I had other business to git oan with awae from that sick junkae. I had Mark tae deliver. I clicked up a gear and praised the laird that that scunner Bouhanni wasnae hir. The problem wi Bouhanni was- weel, thirs that many problems wi Bouhanni. The big problem is he kid start a fight in an empty toilet, especially if he catches his ain eye in the mirror, ye ken. Wi'd last sin him bitin the heed offae Cedric Vassuers teddy bair, and it wir not a prettae sight at all. Nae wonder he'd left the scunner oot of thair team...     - from Sprint Train Spotting by Geraint's Welsh

    And so to the tour, where today saw five seconds of top-level racing spread across 195km of tedium. I thought that there may have been an audacious attack on the LR by Marcus Berghardt, who got bored of waiting for a convenient dog and simply Neymarred himself to the ground in the neutralised zone, but this turned out to be a genuine accident and he went off to play happily with the sprinters.

    It was so poor that at one point that we were treated to a blow-by-blow slow motion replay of the battle for fifth place in the intermediate sprint, a competition which was won by outright apathy just ahead of utter indifference coming up on the outside. If it wasn't for pulling a muscle laughing at Tony Gallopin being hit on the arse by a stray door from his own team car I'd struggle to convince myself I'd seen a stage today.

    Amongst the more interesting end of the competition, Captain Craddock spent most of the day in his customary position marking all possible counterattacks but he couldn't stop a whole load of people piling off at the end after a crash disrupted things - although his position still remains more secure than his scapula. Castroviejo had an unaccountable lapse in concentration and failed to end up on the right side of the splits (as did Luke Rowe, disappointingly), nobody from Cofidis could capitalise on their excellent time trialling skills, Le Gac had a mysterious need to do something and an alert Sylvan Dillier duly attacked off the back to take advantage. Ride of the day though was Tiesj Benoot, who had a pretty terrible crash but somehow made it home, albeit covered in blood from a head wound. Hopefully he's okay and able to carry on tomorrow.

    Just a perfect day:

    164 RORY SUTHERLAND 97 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04H 28' 49'' + 00H 03' 48'' - -
    165 PAWEL POLJANSKI 117 BORA - HANSGROHE 04H 28' 49'' + 00H 03' 48'' - -
    166 MICHAEL VALGREN ANDERSEN 128 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 28' 49'' + 00H 03' 48'' - -
    167 PAVEL KOCHETKOV 145 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 28' 49'' + 00H 03' 48'' - -
    168 JESPER HANSEN 124 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 28' 49'' + 00H 03' 48'' - -
    169 TOMASZ MARCZYNSKI 176 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 30' 54'' + 00H 05' 53'' - -
    170 SILVAN DILLIER 22 AG2R LA MONDIALE 04H 30' 54'' + 00H 05' 53'' - -
    171 ANDREY AMADOR 72 MOVISTAR TEAM 04H 30' 56'' + 00H 05' 55'' - -
    172 ROBERT GESINK 162 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 31' 23'' + 00H 06' 22'' - -
    173 TIESJ BENOOT 172 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 35' 13'' + 00H 10' 12'' - -

    Problems all left alone:

    164 DAMIEN HOWSON 66 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 13H 47' 15'' + 00H 13' 19'' - -
    165 WOUT POELS 6 TEAM SKY 13H 47' 24'' + 00H 13' 28'' - -
    166 JESPER HANSEN 124 ASTANA PRO TEAM 13H 48' 00'' + 00H 14' 04'' - -
    167 ROBERT GESINK 162 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 13H 48' 12'' + 00H 14' 16'' - -
    168 FABIEN GRELLIER 186 DIRECT ENERGIE 13H 48' 18'' + 00H 14' 22'' - -
    169 TIM DECLERCQ 102 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 13H 48' 19'' + 00H 14' 23'' - -
    170 OLIVIER LE GAC 154 GROUPAMA - FDJ 13H 48' 38'' + 00H 14' 42'' - -
    171 LUKE DURBRIDGE 63 MITCHELTON - SCOTT 13H 49' 24'' + 00H 15' 28'' - -
    172 SILVAN DILLIER 22 AG2R LA MONDIALE 13H 49' 51'' + 00H 15' 55'' - -
    173 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 13H 56' 10'' + 00H 22' 14'' - -
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    No one would have believed in the first stages of the Tour de France
    That cycling affairs were being watched for a timeless lack of pace.
    No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized
    As someone with a iPad pretends to scan for invisible motors.
    Few men even considered the possibility of lack of life in the general classification.
    And yet, across the gulf of space
    Minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this stage with envious eyes
    And slowly and surely they drew their plans against us.     - SPD Wells, Bore of the Worlds*

    Yep, yet another day where nothing really happened - but never fear, because the Lanterne Rouge is here to introduce a vague notion of interest. Today's stage was marked in the road book as one for the sprinters and sure enough they couldn't wait to pile into the last group on the road and take masses of time on Lanterne Rouge.

    Despite the presence of the sprinters, the real star was again Captain Craddock. Holding off the sprint of Marcel's Kitten on the line, he's now reasserted his natural place at the tail of things. They were joined in the bottom ten by plenty of big names, including Groaning Wagon, 166 Mar Celsieberg**, tribute band Rick Zabel, Cavendish and Rensh Boy himself***. We'd been saying for years that the LR could attract the top sprinters of all time, and finally we're seeing it happen - albeit Andre Greipel somehow lost the wheel in the last few km and Demare's tactic of puncturing late on has been scuppered by his mechanic inflating his tires with more or less pure sealant. A couple of Cofidis lads finally earned some respect by crashing the top ten, but there'll be a serious inquest into the performance of previous challengers such as Dillier, Durbridge and Le Gac - all of whom forgot that when the going gets tough, the tough get slower.

    Join us tomorrow for another blinking obvious Peter Sagan stage win...

    Orange Crush:

    161 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    162 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    163 MARK CAVENDISH 131 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    164 RAMON SINKELDAM 157 GROUPAMA - FDJ 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    165 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    166 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    167 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    168 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 05H 0Mar 9' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    169 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -
    170 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 05H 09' 02'' + 00H 20' 56'' - -


    Orange Pay-as-you-go:

    161 CHRISTOPHE LAPORTE 201 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 18H 45' 51'' + 00H 23' 51'' - -
    162 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 18H 46' 03'' + 00H 24' 03'' - -
    163 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 18H 46' 16'' + 00H 24' 16'' - -
    164 ANTHONY PEREZ 206 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 18H 46' 43'' + 00H 24' 43'' B : 1'' -
    165 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 18H 47' 11'' + 00H 25' 11'' - -
    166 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 18H 47' 22'' + 00H 25' 22'' - -
    167 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 18H 48' 54'' + 00H 26' 54'' - -
    168 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 18H 51' 09'' + 00H 29' 09'' B : 4'' -
    169 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 18H 53' 14'' + 00H 31' 14'' - -
    170 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 19H 05' 12'' + 00H 43' 12'' - -

    * Ul-lah!!!

    **331 Mar Farenheit

    *** No love for Trainspotting?
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • RichN95.
    RichN95. Posts: 27,253
    Our beautiful Craddock,
    O so fearless and gracious.
    Our fathers' ancient glory,
    May you be happy forever.

    Lawson, you are our only glory,
    Lawson, you are our only one,
    Tour, we love your plains,
    Tour, we love your mountains.

    Drava, Sava, keep on flowing,
    Danube, do not lose your vigour,
    Deep blue sea, tell the world,
    That Craddock loves his people.


    -The Cradation national anthem
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • ddraver
    ddraver Posts: 26,695
    IS that to Seven Nation Army?

    (thump, thump, thump, thump)
    Ouuurrrr Beaut-ti-ful Crad-dock
    Ohhh, so fear-less and grac-ious (thump)
    etc
    We're in danger of confusing passion with incompetence
    - @ddraver
  • RichN95.
    RichN95. Posts: 27,253
    ddraver wrote:
    IS that to Seven Nation Army?

    (thump, thump, thump, thump)
    Ouuurrrr Beaut-ti-ful Crad-dock
    Ohhh, so fear-less and grac-ious (thump)
    etc
    Not the way I heard it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjqgLZ7fZY4
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • bobmcstuff
    bobmcstuff Posts: 11,435
    Nice to see Craddock with a convincing 12 minute lead.
  • specialgueststar
    specialgueststar Posts: 3,418
    Craddock unable to crack Ferrari and Gaudin for the stage today . Gaudin kept his nerve (and substantial frame) all the way up the wall

    Craddock has missed the -1 hour GC by 3 minutes today so tactically he has had a poor day
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    And so to the Mûr-de-Bretagne, which (quick google) translates as "Wall of Brittany" - although having briefly perused the highlights I don't think it'll be challenging China any time soon. In fact the wall didn't seem to appear at all in the footage, which given the amount of screentime dedicated to chapels, chateaux and tractor art just seems downright weird.

    In truth I've spent most of the day walled up in a recording studio, so have about as much clue as to what happened today as Captain Craddock does, but at least I have a rough cut of his anthem. I'm a bit concerned that having an anthem implies he's now such a big deal that he has his own borders, but on reflection it's probably because he's a bit of a state.

    One thing we've learnt over the years is that cyclists who are intent on winning the main prizes have to play diplomat as well as tyrant, so it was pleasing to see Craddock generously give up the first couple of placings in order to build alliances with others in the peloton. He was canny - and ruthless - enough not to let them lose his wheel though - in the captaincy stakes he's more Bligh than Birdseye*.

    Elsewhere, Herr Gel has moved up to second after Thomson was caught in the wrong side of the split, Cavendish is emphatically not finished in tenth overall, Perez has gone emphatically Cofidis and lost 13 minutes or so, and to mark a stage starting in Brest it's perhaps fitting that Jasper de Busty (as my autocorrect helpfully names him) has popped out in the top ten.

    Finally, today's most unlikely attempt to muscle in on LR was from Tom Dumoulin, trying to make up for an underwhelming Giro. Unfortunately Tom was paced illegally back up to the main bunch by his car, and therefore didn't lose the time he was hoping for. The commissionaires took pity and gave him twenty seconds back, but this simply adds insult to injury.

    Join us tomorrow for the longest stage of this year's race, which I'm sure will be exactly as exciting as we're all expecting it to be. It might be worth watching the first five minutes though, just to see if the peloton pull the amusing - if cruel - trick of letting one rider pop off the front and then refusing to send anyone else up to join him in the breakaway.

    Mûr de Bretagne:

    161 FERNANDO GAVIRIA RENDON 103 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    162 TAYLOR PHINNEY 15 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    163 ANTWAN TOLHOEK 168 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    164 JESPER HANSEN 124 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    165 ARNAUD DEMARE 151 GROUPAMA - FDJ 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    166 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    167 JACOPO GUARNIERI 153 GROUPAMA - FDJ 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    168 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    169 ROBERTO FERRARI 94 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -
    170 DAMIEN GAUDIN 185 DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 28' 13'' + 00H 14' 30'' - -

    Mûrder on the Dancefloor:

    161 MARK CAVENDISH 131 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 23H 13' 03'' + 00H 37' 17'' - -
    162 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 23H 13' 20'' + 00H 37' 34'' - -
    163 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 23H 14' 16'' + 00H 38' 30'' - -
    164 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 23H 14' 29'' + 00H 38' 43'' - -
    165 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 23H 15' 24'' + 00H 39' 38'' - -
    166 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 23H 15' 35'' + 00H 39' 49'' - -
    167 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 23H 17' 07'' + 00H 41' 21'' - -
    168 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 23H 18' 11'' + 00H 42' 25'' - -
    169 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 23H 19' 22'' + 00H 43' 36'' B : 4'' -
    170 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 23H 33' 25'' + 00H 57' 39'' - -

    * I've always thought there was something fishy about Birdseye, and feel sorry for Bligh. The closest he got to immortality was a chocolate bar, and even that was named after his boat. Or possibly someone else's boat. It's complicated...
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • No_Ta_Doctor
    No_Ta_Doctor Posts: 14,651
    The last two hilly stages have shown how fast the sprinters can move up at either end of the race. While we know Captain Craddock had a bit of a jour avec in the TTT, we already have three out and out sprinters in the bottom ten after just six stages, three of them sprint finishes. A broken scapula is apparently only worth about 5 minutes per sprint stage over the Cavendishes and Groenewegens.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format
  • milton50
    milton50 Posts: 3,856
    Being 40-odd minutes down before the race has even hit the mountains is a pretty special achievement.
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    The detective spread his hands in the most foreign manner:

    "Ah, bien. My little grey cells may rest easy, monsieur"

    "You have solved the case already, Monsieur Craddock?"

    "Mais oui - it was simple."

    "But monsieur, we cannot even find evidence that someone even interfered with the wind farm to create echelons!"

    The detective did his best to look modest, and failed.

    "Ah, mes amis. It was simple. 'Ave you not noticed the child-sized submarine abandoned at the scene of the crime?"     - from The Mysterious Appearance of Haimar Zubeldia, by Sagan-y Christie.

    And so we reluctantly return to today's stage of the Tour to ask "For the love of God, has it finally finished?"

    Regrettably, not even the Lanterne Rouge could enliven today's stage. Captain Craddock managed to find enough time to crack the one hour mark, which is quite some going for this early in the Tour, Sky put a token appearance into the top ten on stage, Dishy Le Gac somehow snuck off the back to make up a couple of minutes, and Boswell turned up threatening to show everyone his Johnson.

    Join us tomorrow for (checks stage guide)- Oh jeez, more of the same. They've even classified a 4.3% rise as a cat 4 climb, FFS - can't they leave the satire to the rest of us?

    Miss Marple:

    161 MICHAL KWIATKOWSKI 4 TEAM SKY 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    162 LUKE ROWE 7 TEAM SKY 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    163 IAN BOSWELL 142 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    164 JEROME COUSIN 184 DIRECT ENERGIE 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    165 WOUT POELS 6 TEAM SKY 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    166 PAWEL POLJANSKI 117 BORA - HANSGROHE 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    167 JELLE VANENDERT 178 LOTTO SOUDAL 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    168 CHAD HAGA 35 TEAM SUNWEB 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    169 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 05H 46' 03'' + 00H 02' 21'' - -
    170 OLIVIER LE GAC 154 GROUPAMA - FDJ 05H 47' 58'' + 00H 04' 16'' - -

    Missed the boat:

    161 JASPER DE BUYST 173 LOTTO SOUDAL 28H 57' 02'' + 00H 37' 37'' - -
    162 TAYLOR PHINNEY 15 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 28H 57' 25'' + 00H 38' 00'' - -
    163 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 28H 59' 06'' + 00H 39' 41'' - -
    164 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 28H 59' 07'' + 00H 39' 42'' B : 10'' -
    165 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 28H 59' 34'' + 00H 40' 09'' - -
    166 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 28H 59' 38'' + 00H 40' 13'' - -
    167 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 29H 00' 49'' + 00H 41' 24'' - -
    168 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 29H 01' 53'' + 00H 42' 28'' - -
    169 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 29H 03' 04'' + 00H 43' 39'' B : 4'' -
    170 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 29H 19' 28'' + 01H 00' 03'' - -
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • above_the_cows
    above_the_cows Posts: 11,406
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    "Ah, mes amis. It was simple. 'Ave you not noticed the child-sized submarine abandoned at the scene of the crime?" - from The Mysterious Appearance of Haimar Zubeldia, by Sagan-y Christie.

    Outstanding!
    Correlation is not causation.
  • pinno
    pinno Posts: 52,310
    Milton50 wrote:
    Being 40-odd minutes down before the race has even hit the mountains is a pretty special achievement.

    The gap to the leader of the race is erroneous. That petit follie has no bearing on the epic grind at the back. The gap to Le Gac and co., well, that's a different matter. I'm not mathematically nor grammatically gifted and despite this, I have calculated that Captain Haddock has a slim margin on Le Gac. I think. Le Gap is praying that Haddock starts to go off - some gangrene (or fin rot) and is sent home by some (well paid) Doctor of French origin. When Haddock turns around and starts cycling the other way, then you'll know that Sepsis has taken a grip.
    As the great, great, great grandson of Lewis Carroll said (amongst many other things) earlier in this very thread, '...the boring mountains...' meaning, something like (and far more precise) and he probably meant and does mean (or does he say what he means or does he mean what he says?), 'boring' because of the autobus. It's a killer for LR strategy. All and sundry (including most of the sprinters) Haddock, Le Gap and their friends will be there in the bus (a sort of cycling parentheses). You dare not slip off the back of the bus, no matter how infamous you have become or the LR dream goes up in smoke. The other bracket (not the bottom one), is you dare not get ahead of the bus or or it's the same outcome.

    It all reminds me of the women who lived in a treacle well. They were very sick.

    Must go, i'm off to a tea party. We may have another conversation about time.
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • orraloon
    orraloon Posts: 13,227
    Pinno wrote:
    Must go, i'm off to a tea party.
    Are you going to the party?
    Are you going to the Houston Tea Party?
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    It was hot. So hot. The peloton continued to slog into the headwind, chasing the two escapees who didn't particularly want to be there. In truth nor did the peloton, and so the race naturally slowed to a crawl as they slogged across the empty plains of Northern France, locked in their mutual suffering and a gap that neither lengthened nor closed. He glanced down at the route notes and saw nothing of interest for kilometres to come. Stages like this were torture, but it was part of the Tour de France and he knew it had to be endured. The most important thing in the heat was to avoid wasting energy and ensure that he was properly hydrated.

    Ji Cheng settled in his sofa and cracked open another beer.     - Peter Maillot-Jaune, A Year of Stage 7

    Mr Prudhomme kindly lopped a few dozen miles off today's stage, but unfortunately that was where the good news ended. I know that the Tour has to visit the whole of France from time to time, but it could probably do with finding a way of spicing things up (half stages like the old days, perhaps?) before Elon Musk turns up waving an inflatable mountain or something.

    So what 'happened'? Chris Froome bunny hopped across a traffic island in a "decent bike handling" shocker that almost seemed destined to result in a move on LR. Tony Martin was involved in a crash and took a decent amount of time, but has unfortunately had to abandon. Captain Craddock finished unusually highly up the field, although he cannily let a gap go to ensure he took some seconds off the bunch he otherwise arrived with. Marcel's Kitten was too bsy playing Snake on his Nokia during the team meeting, and missed the briefing to watch Thomson like a hawk - as a result he's slipped to third. Big winners today were Gaudin and Sutherland, whilst Groenewegen will be cursing the twenty bonus seconds he's amassed as a result of his two stage wins. His mood may or may not improve when he discovers that the comissaires had decided to randomly relegate a couple of sprinters pour encourager les autres, although frankly they should have done that when everyone was soft pedalling halfway through the stage. Random acts of petty maladministration for anyone loitering at the back would shake things up no end.

    Join us tomorrow for yet mor-

    Hang on! Cobbles! We might even have some racing break out!

    One thing to watch out for tomorrow though - Captain Craddock is racing with a broken shoulder, and I'm not entirely sure bouncing across blocks the size of a baby's head is necessarily on the list of approved treatments*. Join us tomorrow to find out if he makes it through, and if the cobbles shake up the classification.


    Three lions:

    161 ANTWAN TOLHOEK 168 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 28' 34'' + 00H 04' 58'' - -
    162 TIMO ROOSEN 167 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 28' 34'' + 00H 04' 58'' - -
    163 RORY SUTHERLAND 97 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    164 JELLE VANENDERT 178 LOTTO SOUDAL 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    165 PAWEL POLJANSKI 117 BORA - HANSGROHE 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    166 OMAR FRAILE MATARRANZ 122 ASTANA PRO TEAM 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    167 WOUT POELS 6 TEAM SKY 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    168 DAMIEN GAUDIN 185 DIRECT ENERGIE 04H 28' 38'' + 00H 05' 02'' - -
    169 SIMON CLARKE 12 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 04H 34' 41'' + 00H 11' 05'' - -
    170 TONY MARTIN 146 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 34' 41'' + 00H 11' 05'' - -

    Eight lie-ins:

    161 DYLAN GROENEWEGEN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 33H 22' 33'' + 00H 39' 33'' B : 20'' -
    162 AMUND GRØNDAHL JANSEN 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 33H 23' 48'' + 00H 40' 48'' - -
    163 MARK RENSHAW 135 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 33H 23' 54'' + 00H 40' 54'' - -
    164 RICK ZABEL 148 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 33H 23' 58'' + 00H 40' 58'' - -
    165 MARCEL SIEBERG 177 LOTTO SOUDAL 33H 25' 07'' + 00H 42' 07'' - -
    166 RORY SUTHERLAND 97 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 33H 25' 19'' + 00H 42' 19'' - -
    167 DAMIEN GAUDIN 185 DIRECT ENERGIE 33H 25' 23'' + 00H 42' 23'' - -
    168 MARCEL KITTEL 144 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 33H 26' 40'' + 00H 43' 40'' B : 4'' -
    169 JAY ROBERT THOMSON 137 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 33H 29' 11'' + 00H 46' 11'' - -
    170 LAWSON CRADDOCK 13 TEAM EF EDUCATION FIRST - DRAPAC P/B CANNONDALE 33H 46' 43'' + 01H 03' 43'' - -


    * I say this with the benefit of some minor medical knowledge: I'm actually one of the approved first aiders at work. I'm pleased to report that since the rest of the company discovered that I was nearly failed for slapping the dummy and shouting "wake up you lazy fecker!" as part of the assessment routine (you're supposed to be a bit more empathetic when checking for consciousness, apparently) the accident rate has dropped to zero lest I be the person who turns up to treat them.
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • hamish_mctavish
    hamish_mctavish Posts: 142
    underlayunderlay wrote:
    Hang on! Cobbles! We might even have some racing break out!

    One thing to watch out for tomorrow though - Captain Craddock is racing with a broken shoulder, and I'm not entirely sure bouncing across blocks the size of a baby's head is necessarily on the list of approved treatments*. Join us tomorrow to find out if he makes it through, and if the cobbles shake up the classification.
    I am reliably informed that, due to the charidee nature of his ride, Cpt C will be allowed to ride a fat bike and will be towed by one of the local derny riders.
  • Lanterne_Rogue
    Lanterne_Rogue Posts: 4,332
    Interesting article here explaining just what Captain Craddock is going through: http://spotterone.com/2018/07/14/2018-tour-de-france-lawson-craddock-keeps-riding-despite-fractured-shoulder/

    It's particularly interesting on the nature of his injuries, having some info from the team doctor, Kevin Sprouse. Apart from the superficial face injury (which didn't cause any concussion, pleasingly - I'll admit I was worried about that) -
    Far more troublesome and painful was the hairline fracture, which was revealed by an ultrasound (it didn’t show up on X-rays) after the stage. It is between 1-2 centimeters long and runs back to front in what is called the spine of the scapula — a triangular ridge of bone that runs horizontally across the upper shoulder blade. The fracture is stable, and Craddock does not risk doing more damage to it by riding, Sprouse said.

    The soft tissue injury and inflammation around the bone is actually a more acute issue. “People fixate on the fracture, but the real pain and discomfort comes from the surrounding muscles that tighten up and guard the injury,” said Sprouse, an emergency and sports medicine physician based out of Knoxville, Tennessee.
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • ShutupJens
    ShutupJens Posts: 1,373
    If Craddock can survive today, potentially taking more time, then he will be in a great position to take this to Paris. I am sure there will be more than a few challengers attacking over the cobblestones though

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