The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2017 **Spoilers**

pinno

Bo Duke wrote:

...his shirt doesn't have the back pockets usually associated with carrying gels.

Cheat.

specialgueststar

Flippin heck Rowe and McClay going at this like hammer and tongs. McClays still got 18 minutes on him

My man Sieberg consistent as ever - but consistently stuck in minus 8th place He'll look like he's towing a lawnmower up the Izoard - so I'm still hopeful

Pross

McLay now leads by a whopping 18 minutes after an audacious attack on Rowe gained him an additional 10 minutes. Will he overdo his attacking in the mountain and find himself a victim of the Sagan rule that sees you kicked out if you are too good?

No_Ta_Doctor

I'm worried GBRMC Lay may have gone too hard too early. Opening big gaps like that two days running is often a sign that a rider will try and go even bigger the next day and end up missing the cut. He needs to rein it in, it's going to be a hard and fast day in the mountains.

Lanterne_Rogue

The voice of the DS known as 'M' came loud and clear over the radio. Lay put the insulated martini bidon back in its holder, and put the memory of the golden-haired soigneur and her improbable name to the back of his mind.

"Now listen up, Lay. We've got a bit of a sticky situation."
"It's not Kittel's backside, is it sir? I've been hearing rumours, and he does look a bit peaky..."
"Let's leave Herr Gel's backside alone, Lay; you've seen quite enough of that as it is. In fact, that's rather the problem."
"Why, sir?"
"Well, people are starting to talk about your performance. They're starting to wonder whether you're an elite athlete, and the backroom boffins think you might be at risk of blowing your cover."
"I don't think you need to worry about that, sir."
"Why ever not, Lay?"
"I told them I'm a sprinter, sir."
"...?"
"It means you don't have to keep up, sir."
"Well, that's another problem, Lay. Today's marked in the road book as one for the sprinters. I'm afraid you're going to have to do some work."
"I'm not sure I like the sound of that, DS."
"Worse, Lay. It's a bit windy. There may be echelons."
"Gosh, sir."
"So get yourself up to the front, and for God's sake make sure you're not dropped. Where are you now?"
"Er, somewhere on Stage 15, I think..."
"Oh FFS, Lay. Just try not to let Rowe catch you, all right?"

From Stages Take Forever, by Indurain Fleming.

As expected, Luke Rowe sent Froome up the road to drive the splits and try to isolate his rival, but GBRMC Lay was able to form a breakaway autobus from the autobus (a minibus?) with Maradona's Mate and French seasoning sensation, a Pinch of L'Aurent. This let Lay take another huge chunk of time whilst avoiding the Odelay, in which he'd be forced to listen to Beck's album until he screamed for mercy and quit the tour in disgust. About five minutes should do it.

Tomorrow: FOUR MOUNTAINS YOU'RE GLAD SOMEONE ELSE IS CYCLING UP - lets see if Lay can hang on, or if Sky's underhand tactics of trying to go quickly will finally break him.

007:

164 GROENEWEGEN DYLAN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
165 ROGLIC PRIMOZ 166 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
166 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
167 VENTER JACOBUS 99 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
168 WAGNER ROBERT 169 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
169 PHINNEY TAYLOR 186 CANNONDALE DRAPAC PROFESSIONAL CYCLING TEAM 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
170 OFFREDO YOANN 205 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 03H 54' 34'' - - + 16' 19''
171 MATE MARDONES LUIS ANGEL 156 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 04H 04' 32'' - - + 26' 17''
172 PICHON LAURENT 217 TEAM FORTUNEO - OSCARO 04H 04' 32'' - - + 26' 17''
173 MC LAY DANIEL 211 TEAM FORTUNEO - OSCARO 04H 04' 32'' - - + 26' 17''

00 Hornby:

164 SENECHAL FLORIAN 158 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 71H 32' 09'' + 03H 13' 33''
165 BOZIC BORUT 194 BAHRAIN - MERIDA 71H 33' 00'' + 03H 14' 24''
166 SIEBERG MARCEL 138 LOTTO SOUDAL 71H 33' 54'' + 03H 15' 18''
167 PHINNEY TAYLOR 186 CANNONDALE DRAPAC PROFESSIONAL CYCLING TEAM 71H 35' 06'' + 03H 16' 30''
168 CLAEYS DIMITRI 152 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 71H 36' 57'' + 03H 18' 21''
169 WAGNER ROBERT 169 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 71H 39' 51'' + 03H 21' 15''
170 SELIG RÜDIGER 119 BORA - HANSGROHE 71H 41' 33'' + 03H 22' 57''
171 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 71H 43' 49'' + 03H 25' 13''
172 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 71H 50' 55'' + 03H 32' 19''
173 MC LAY DANIEL 211 TEAM FORTUNEO - OSCARO 72H 09' 12'' + 03H 50' 36''

above_the_cows

Applause!

Lanterne_Rogue

Above The Cows wrote:

Applause!

Merci.

Dunno why, but it gets easier in the final week. Fear McLay will be out tomorrow though.

davesnothere

I love this thread. Well played all

specialgueststar

Damn. Would have seemed ideal for the red light race but he's packed

We already have one DNS today. Marcel Sieberg of Lotto-Soudal has come down with the intestinal problems that seem to be sweeping through the peloton. That will be a blow to sprinter Andre Greipel

pinno

SpecialGuestStar wrote:

Damn. Would have seemed ideal for the red light race but he's packed

We already have one DNS today. Marcel Sieberg of Lotto-Soudal has come down with the intestinal problems that seem to be sweeping through the peloton. That will be a blow to sprinter Andre Greipel

Must have had a Pinch of L'Aurent in his soup.

larkim

McLay abandoned. Always sad to see the leader have to pull out, a Pyrrhic victory for Rowe on the cards?

Sun Dodger

larkim wrote:

McLay abandoned. Always sad to see the leader have to pull out, a Pyrrhic victory for Rowe on the cards?

Pyhrric Victory?

No. He's grinding his competitors into submission, one by one.

As he should.

Lanterne_Rogue

The grizzled road captain stared at the road ahead. He'd fought in all the major battles in the toughest regions of the world. Flanders. The Ardennes. Cardiff city centre on a Friday night.

He'd seen too many good men fall by the roadside in his career. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in the Italian campaign. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in France. Men like Geraint Thomas, who was last seen falling into a ditch in Gent. It was funny, Rowe thought, but when he looked back now his memory somehow made all those faces look the same. Perhaps it was just the effects of the roasting Alpine sun.

And now another battle was looming. His opponent, McLay, had been retreating brilliantly, using the terrain to his advantage, always finding a way to escape the traps that Rowe had laid for him. Now, thought Rowe, he had him. Pinned between two mountains, there was no escape. Rowe gathered his troops and explained the tactics for the struggle ahead.

"Lads, I'm fucking knackered. Just don't sh!t me out the back in the first kilometre, okay?"


- from Tour and Peace, by Luis Leon Tolstoy.

Your reporter takes no pleasure in announcing that he called Sky's tactics perfectly. Faced with an escape artist of the calibre of McLay, Rowe had no option but to summon the big guns and to drive the pace hard until the young tyro cracked. I'm sure he'll be back next year with his reputation enhanced by this year's efforts.

Rowe rolled in safely as part of the autobus, whilst Froome failed to get the message that McLay had climbed off and foolishly wasted energy on a battle that had already been won instead of just sitting on Bridget Bardet's wheel (in a similar vein, I'd love to have been the person who got to tell Matthews he'd wasted his time working so hard for the intermediate sprint - how would you keep a straight face?).

Elsewhere on LR Dishy Le Gac makes a welcome return to the top ten, as does climbing ace Bozo Borut; Marcel Sieberg also climbed off - as did Herr Gel himself, Martika's Kitchen, just as he seemed to be coming into form.

Join us tomorrow for CYCLING NEWS JOURNALIST SHOCKED BY HOUSEPLANT'S REFUSAL TO SPEAK BACK


Ernies:

160 LEMOINE CYRIL 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
161 GOGL MICHAEL 35 TREK - SEGAFREDO 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
162 DE MARCHI ALESSANDRO 43 BMC RACING TEAM 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
163 ROLLAND PIERRE 181 CANNONDALE DRAPAC PROFESSIONAL CYCLING TEAM 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
164 VERMOTE JULIEN 109 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
165 BOUHANNI NACER 151 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
166 GENE YOHANN 175 DIRECT ENERGIE 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
167 BENNATI DANIELE 23 MOVISTAR TEAM 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
168 CIMOLAI DAVIDE 72 FDJ 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33' 41''
169 HAYMAN MATHEW 84 ORICA - SCOTT 05H 41' 22'' - - + 33'

Two Ton Teds:

160 TIMMER ALBERT 149 TEAM SUNWEB 77H 12' 06'' + 03H 44' 40''
161 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 77H 13' 15'' + 03H 45' 49''
162 SENECHAL FLORIAN 158 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 77H 13' 31'' + 03H 46' 05''
163 BOZIC BORUT 194 BAHRAIN - MERIDA 77H 14' 22'' + 03H 46' 56''
164 PHINNEY TAYLOR 186 CANNONDALE DRAPAC PROFESSIONAL CYCLING TEAM 77H 16' 28'' + 03H 49' 02''
165 CLAEYS DIMITRI 152 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 77H 18' 19'' + 03H 50' 53''
166 WAGNER ROBERT 169 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 77H 21' 13'' + 03H 53' 47''
167 SELIG RÜDIGER 119 BORA - HANSGROHE 77H 22' 55'' + 03H 55' 29''
168 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 77H 25' 11'' + 03H 57' 45''
169 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 77H 32' 17'' + 04H 04' 51''

above_the_cows

You don't get this in the Guardian.

joncomelately

Above The Cows wrote:

You don't get this in the Guardian.

Personally I don't think you get much in the Grauniad aside from fun kakuro. And Hadley Freeman, who's very funny.

joncomelately

Also, this thread has definitely become my favourite ahead of the one where a guy asked for help with shoes for his son and got it, without anyone being rude. Great work Mr Carpet.

jam1e

underlayunderlay wrote:

He'd seen too many good men fall by the roadside in his career. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in the Italian campaign. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in France. Men like Geraint Thomas, who was last seen falling into a ditch in Gent. It was funny, Rowe thought, but when he looked back now his memory somehow made all those faces look the same.

Class!

pinno

Whilst the wrong end of the peleton where Duran Duran and Broome Broome go head to head on the Lizard for le Bon Bon, at the right end, the autobus is going to be over booked methinks. Row, row, row your boat is going to have a hard job making sure he's drafting the bus and not spotted by the bloke furnished with the Gitane stop watch, Gitane Fag and Gitane bike sat on the finish line waiting for the Rost Biff to go in excess of some pre determined formula. After all, Le Gap is going to need all the help he can get to make up for the 19 minute deficit.

Where the winner (W) is multiplied by 110% (ElTim) = X + 30 seconds per 10 minutes of temperatures above 35 deg (TH) and a percentage of French riders who go over the limit which they cannot possibly write Disq.(FLD).

W x ElTim = x + TH + (N+?) + FLD (N+?)

The additional distractions of Streakers (S), El Diablo (ELD), Monsieur Macron (MM) et al and most significantly, the ghost of José Manuel Fuente Lavandera (GJMFL) adds a little complexity to the above:

W x ElTim = x + TH + (N+?) + FLD (N+?) + S + ELD + MM + GJMFL

Aka, the 'Burgundy formula', having been scribbled on a serviette during the grand launch of the failed Châteaux de Mutton Mothschild (1998). Ultimately, Luke Skywalker will need to have this formula stamped on to his handlebars to be studied en route if he has any chance of exploiting the anomalies in the formula.

LR followers of note (and those with memories beyond that of a Gold fish) may have noticed that I have not mentioned the Reverse Green Jersey (RGJ). That's because (and I say this with great sadness) the RGJ met with a terrible end after the evening out pondering how to fix said garment in the company of Shorty (Chepe Gonzalez) and Lanky (Eros Poil) when a detour to a local San Salvadorian tapas bar resulted in violent and spontaneous diarrhoea. The RVG got caught in the cross fire.
I have therefore sent a tin of paint and a brush for use on the eventual winner ahead to Paris.

No_Ta_Doctor

jam1e wrote:

underlayunderlay wrote:

He'd seen too many good men fall by the roadside in his career. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in the Italian campaign. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in France. Men like Geraint Thomas, who was last seen falling into a ditch in Gent. It was funny, Rowe thought, but when he looked back now his memory somehow made all those faces look the same.

Class!

That's bloody brilliant

salsiccia1

This whole thread is 8)

Pross

Have I read it right that for a cyclist chasing the red light a whore delay can get them kicked off the race?

No_Ta_Doctor

Pross wrote:

Have I read it right that for a cyclist chasing the red light a whore delay can get them kicked off the race?

This is correct.

imatfaal

underlayunderlay wrote:

...
He'd seen too many good men fall by the roadside in his career. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in the Italian campaign. Men like Geraint Thomas, who they'd lost in France. Men like Geraint Thomas, who was last seen falling into a ditch in Gent. It was funny, Rowe thought, but when he looked back now his memory somehow made all those faces look the same. Perhaps it was just the effects of the roasting Alpine sun...

Chateau! - as the French say

Lanterne_Rogue

Meanwhile, la Course is confusing. Update on the Girls of Pedally Towers once I work out how sadistic Games Mistress Ms Prudhomme's format works.

Lanterne_Rogue

Up in the dormitory, the girls were whispering:

“I say, Nikola, the school jaunt to France is a bit fishy, if you ask me.”
“Why’s that, Ratty?”
“Well, take this trip to see Eddie Izzard for example. Sadistic Games Mistress Ms Prudhomme takes over, and suddenly we’re off to see his cousin Colin at the top of some beastly mountain instead. I think something funny’s happening.”
“It’s certainly suspicious how Ms Prudhomme took over after that unfortunate and unlikely accident to Miss Armstrong, isn’t it? I mean, how on earth did the gendarmes know about all those industrial strength drugs that she was keeping in her handbag?”
“I know. If only we had some boys and a dog I’m sure we could have some marvellous adventures in which we end up blaming some swarthy foreign type.”
“Well we ARE in France, Ratty. It’s bally full of them here. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll have forgotten all about it when we get our cycling trip to Paris. I can’t wait to be drinking ginger beer in the sunshine on the Champs Elysee.”
“But Nikola, haven’t you heard? Ms Prudhomme’s cancelled that too. She says it’s not suitable for delicate young ladies to vibrate across the cobblestones. We might get ideas, she says. Instead, she’s taking us to Marseille.”
“Marseille? That doesn’t sound very exciting. Couldn’t we have gone to Nice, or Biarritz, instead of some smelly old port full of sailors?”
“I know – it sounds perfectly horrid. And I bet she doesn’t even take all of us – you know what she’s like if she thinks we’ve not been quick enough on the lacrosse field.”
“Ms Prudhomme really is a rotter, isn’t she? And have you ever noticed how she looks like a man? I wish we’d gone to Yorkshire now.”
“Cheer up, Nikola. Lizzie says she saw some boys following us earlier. Maybe we’ll get to practise our French with them?”

From The Girls of Pedally Towers, by Beryl Blyton

And so the la Course where, not content with generally dicking about with the format of racing at the faster end of the field, the organisers have also decided to mess up the elegant simplicity of the Lanterne by summarily kicking out all but the twenty fastest riders. Whilst this means nobody had to calculate a likely hors delai – and stop sniggering at the back, Pross, or I’ll be writing a letter to your mother – it does leave a slightly sour taste in the mouth that people can work so hard to actually finish the stage behind everyone else and then be denied their rightful place in the finale.

Anyway, it did mean an interesting tactical battle lay ahead. It wasn’t enough to let people slip up the road in front of you – a successful Lanterne Rouge could only allow 19 to do so. Linda Villumsen almost played a blinder by attacking early so that she could both placate her DS and count the riders as they passed, but sadly forgot her open-toed cycling shoes and allowed two riders too many to get past her. This means our de facto Lanternes are Rosella Ratty and Nikola No Skodas, who apparently has a fear of adverts for team cars. Spare a thought though for today’s valiant loser, who has been so cruelly Outcast. I’m sorry Miss Jackson.

Join us in Marseille for the most farcical Lanterne Battle ever, where our two candidates will start shoulder to shoulder and attempt to lose time against each other whilst not catching the groups in front. Let’s discover who’s got the better track stands, eh?

It was the best of times:

42. NEDBLAAK Chantal 163 BOELS DOLMANS CYCLINGTEAM 02h 16' 47'' + 09' 29''
43. ITAVIECELI Lara 126 ASTANA WOMEN'S TEAM 02h 16' 52'' + 09' 34''
44. AUSNEYLAN Rachel 114 ORICA - SCOTT 02h 17' 07'' + 09' 49''
45. GERKOPPENBURG Clara 14 CERVELO BIGLA PRO CYCLING TEAM 02h 17' 22'' + 10' 04''
46. CANJACKSON Alison 82 BEPINK COGEAS 02h 17' 30'' + 10' 12''

It was the worst of times:

17. DENLUDWIG Cecilie Uttrup 15 CERVELO BIGLA PRO CYCLING TEAM 02h 11' 52'' + 04' 34''
18. SLOPINTAR Ursa 104 BTC CITY LJUBLJANA 02h 11' 52'' + 04' 34''
19. CANCANUEL Karol-Ann 165 BOELS DOLMANS CYCLINGTEAM 02h 12' 08'' + 04' 50''
20. ITARATTO Rossella 154 CYLANCE PRO CYCLING 02h 12' 26'' + 05' 08''
21. CZENOSKOVA Nikola 81 BEPINK COGEAS 02h 12' 26'' + 05' 08''

pinno

Pross wrote:

Have I read it right that for a cyclist chasing the red light a whore delay can get them kicked off the race?

Sh1t. That's really going to muck up the Burgundy formula.

davesnothere

Pinno wrote:

Pross wrote:

Have I read it right that for a cyclist chasing the red light a whore delay can get them kicked off the race?

Sh1t. That's really going to muck up the Burgundy formula.

You could simplify by apply the correct indices

Likelihood of getting kicked off the race (B00t) is exponentially increased by Cu3Zn2 (Brass) x performance anxiety (small p) squared /madame's hourly rate (MHr)

B00t = Cu3Zn2 x p2 / MHr

joncomelately

The BBC have got this all wrong, surely the real work is just beginning?

above_the_cows

Joncomelately wrote:

The BBC have got this all wrong, surely the real work is just beginning?

It's the BBC discussing cycling, of course they've got it all wrong.

Lanterne_Rogue

Above The Cows wrote:

Joncomelately wrote:

The BBC have got this all wrong, surely the real work is just beginning?

It's the BBC discussing cycling, of course they've got it all wrong.

I'm with the BBC on this. It's not working that Rowe needs to concentrate on.