The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2017 **Spoilers**

pinno

Now the curious part of me is asking this question: Is there a link between the Chorizo and the Donkey sanctuaries?

Lanterne_Rogue

Pinno wrote:

Now the curious part of me is asking this question: Is there a link between the Chorizo and the Donkey sanctuaries?

The contents of both, if you're a stickler for tradition.

HTH.

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

Pinno wrote:

Now the curious part of me is asking this question: Is there a link between the Chorizo and the Donkey sanctuaries?

The contents of both, if you're a stickler for tradition.

HTH.

Not to mention Mrs Gallopin.

pinno

I cannot think for the life of me why someone has not chosen Carlos Betancur.
Did I miss something in the small print?

No_Ta_Doctor

Pinno wrote:

I cannot think for the life of me why someone has not chosen Carlos Betancur.
Did I miss something in the small print?

It's a race for the most cunning, the most experienced and above all the hardest bastards in the peloton. Carlos has always struck me as a bit fragile. Not physically, obviously.

pinno

No tA Doctor wrote:

Carlos has always struck me as a bit fragile.

I am now suffering from more confusion and bewilderment than usual.

above_the_cows

No tA Doctor wrote:

underlayunderlay wrote:

I think the real joy of this thread is talking about the stories and images that don't get covered elsewhere.

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Are you telling me Mrs Gallopin likes a good sausage when she's been drinking? :shock:

Only after a quick spin on a Basque motorway.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

A quick spin with Cipollini of course. Helps accent the taste of the donkey in the Chorizo.

pinno

Cipollini's chipolata perhaps?

Richmond Racer 2

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

underlayunderlay wrote:

I think the real joy of this thread is talking about the stories and images that don't get covered elsewhere.

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Are you telling me Mrs Gallopin likes a good sausage when she's been drinking? :shock:

Only after a quick spin on a Basque motorway.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

A quick spin with Cipollini of course. Helps accent the taste of the donkey in the Chorizo.

If you're in Cipo's company, his aftershave deadens all sense of smell and taste. its the eighth wonder of the modern world

above_the_cows

I this thread.

Lanterne_Rogue

To wrestle the conversation back away from an increasingly worrying direction, here's today's FAKE NEWS, in which we discover that Lotto-Soudal have in fact been cloning Adam Hansens and sending them individually to Grand Tours. The culmination of this plan will be to field a full team of Hansens* in 2018 disguised with a series of unconvincing fake beards. By technically only employing one rider Lotto-Soudal plan to slash their wage bill, whilst the indestructibility of Hansen means that the clones can be left all year out in the rain without going rusty or needing any maintenance.

Meanwhile, back in the Tour, we had an agreeably lumpy stage that offset precisely five seconds of racing at the other end (two seconds of which was Sagan remembering to clip his foot back in) against plenty of opportunities for riders to slope off the back - thereby proving yet gain that fans of true racing concentrate on the Lanterne Rouge.

The hot news today is that we have the third Lanterne within the first three stages. Whilst Leezer would ordinarily have been happy rolling in a good nine minutes down on Peter Sagan, and with his main rivals ahead of him, he totally failed to spot Olivier the Gac (some sort of Tibetan mammal, I think) lurking behind with a knee injury. The gac took enough time to leap straight into the Lanterne, gaining an impressive 24 minutes. Whether he'll be in a fit state to continue remains to be seen.

Elsewhere we saw Juraj Sagan showing his brother how to do it (top tip - don't clip back in), with an impressive fourth on stage. Four of the early escapees (Hansen, Brown, Backaert, Sicard) all did the traditional trick of shooting through the peloton before the DS could give them an earful and gained useful time on LR - Hansen gaining enough time to enter the top ten. Luke Rowe had a bad day, as did Retro Hollenstein and the deluge of mackerel - all of them less than four minutes behind the 'winners' of the stage.

Tomorrow's another sprint stage so look for riders such as Julien Vermote to make further inroads to LR. Before dropping off, Vermote spent all day on the front working for Quickstep Flaws (they're probably buggering up the chassés, but don't tell them) so that Dan Martin could get a good look at Peter Sagan's rear wheel, and will be doing the same tomorrow for Marcels Skittles.

Top ten on Stage:

186 TIMMER ALBERT 149 TEAM SUNWEB 05H 19' 05'' - - + 11' 46''
187 HANSEN ADAM 136 LOTTO SOUDAL 05H 19' 05'' - - + 11' 46''
188 SICARD ROMAIN 178 DIRECT ENERGIE 05H 19' 13'' - - + 11' 54''
189 BROWN NATHAN 184 CANNONDALE DRAPAC PROFESSIONAL CYCLING TEAM 05H 19' 13'' - - + 11' 54''
190 BACKAERT FREDERIK 202 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 05H 19' 13'' - - + 11' 54''
191 SÜTTERLIN JASHA 28 MOVISTAR TEAM 05H 19' 48'' - - + 12' 29''
192 SAGAN JURAJ 118 BORA - HANSGROHE 05H 19' 48'' - - + 12' 29''
193 SELIG RÜDIGER 119 BORA - HANSGROHE 05H 19' 48'' - - + 12' 29''
194 VERMOTE JULIEN 109 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 05H 19' 48'' - - + 12' 29''
195 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 05H 31' 29'' - - + 24' 10''

Top ten on combined times:

186 VERMOTE JULIEN 109 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 10H 14' 56'' + 14' 25''
187 HANSEN ADAM 136 LOTTO SOUDAL 10H 15' 14'' + 14' 43''
188 LEMOINE CYRIL 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 10H 15' 22'' + 14' 51''
189 DELAGE MICKAËL 73 FDJ 10H 15' 34'' + 15' 03''
190 DOMONT AXEL 13 AG2R LA MONDIALE 10H 15' 45'' + 15' 14''
191 HALLER MARCO 122 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 10H 17' 26'' + 16' 55''
192 HOLLENSTEIN RETO 123 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 10H 19' 57'' + 19' 26''
193 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 10H 20' 07'' + 19' 36''
194 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 10H 26' 43'' + 26' 12''
195 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 10H 27' 45'' + 27' 14''


*Mmmmm bop

above_the_cows

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba du dop
Ba du bop, ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Lanterne_Rogue

Yeah, sorry* about that.

*Not sorry.

No_Ta_Doctor

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.
“Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

pinno

"To be... or what?" Stallone.

above_the_cows

"Hhhmmm" Tom Hardy

pinno

"Nom shlurp nom shlurp nom shlurp nom shlurp" Ullrich.

pinno

"Home, sweet home" Betancur

Lanterne_Rogue

"Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and rode in minutes late
And when they finally got there he saw a lanterne rouge on his coach step..."

MMM MMM MMM MMM - Le Gac Test Dummies.

pinno

My man Martin is 54th at the moment. B@stard.

Lanterne_Rogue

Pinno wrote:

My man Martin is 54th at the moment. B@stard.

Plenty of time yet - unlike the GC you really can't lose the race this early on. Obviously fannying about in the top half of the field is a dangerous sign of unwelcome ambition, but there are still huge chunks of time to be found at the moment - just look at Le Gac today.

pinno

Back OT:

"............................................... " Arthur Vichot.

kingstongraham

Sounds like could be bad news for Le Gac.

meursault

KingstonGraham wrote:

Sounds like could be bad news for Le Gac.

Yep, brown shorts and carrots on the jersey, by the sound of it.

Lanterne_Rogue

Today in FAKE NEWS: Peter Sagan has sensationally been disqualified from the Tour de Fr-

Eh? Wait- what?

Well, this is embarrassing...

Anyway, onto today's stage, in which our brave heroes toiled from Mondorf les Bains to Vittel. The stage started with an excellent trick by the peloton, who didn't let Guillaume van Keirsbulck know they were playing 'Simon Says' and then spent several hours giggling after he heard someone shout 'attack' and shot off the front on his own.

Today was the sort of long flat stage in which everyone becomes a bit confused about precisely which sleepy French village they're in, eventually becoming unable to tell their Ars from their elbow. Unfortunately later on some Ars found his and the effect on the Lanterne may be dramatic because Bernie Eisel may have lost his leadout man for the mountains. This may be the largest consequence for the LR, as having just one breakaway rider (and the reduced effort needed to haul him in) meant that the sprinter's helpers had less excuse than usual to roll in slowly. The chaos in the closing sprint also meant that a lot of time gaps were ignored (and presumably explains the weird times in the top ten below).

As for the top ten on the stage, Le Gac continued his fine run, gathering another couple of minutes. Little Bobby Wagner made his first appearance and Andrea Pasqualon nailed Wanty-Groupe QBert's best performance of the Tour, Trentin and Bauer continued Quickstep Flaws' form with a poor top line losing marks from the judges, and Luke Rowe kept a watching brief to make sure he didn't lose any more time. Predictably though the press coverage will focus on Mark Cavendish, who was propelled into today's top ten via outside assistance - the jury may want to take another look.

In the overall it's mostly as you were, although Leezer looks to be fading under the mental challenge of chasing Le Gac. Finally, congratulations to Juraj Sagan, who is now fastest Sagan on countback as well as impressing on LR.

Pick of the pops:

185 GROENEWEGEN DYLAN 163 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
186 CAVENDISH MARK 91 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
187 THWAITES SCOTT 98 TEAM DIMENSION DATA 04H 57' 51'' - - + 03' 57''
188 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 04H 57' 51'' - - + 03' 57''
189 SMITH DION 207 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
190 BAUER JACK 102 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
191 TRENTIN MATTEO 108 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
192 WAGNER ROBERT 169 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
193 PASQUALON ANDREA 206 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 04H 53' 54'' - - + 00' 00''
194 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 04H 59' 16'' - - + 05' 22''

Pick of the nose:

185 TIMMER ALBERT 149 TEAM SUNWEB 15H 10' 15'' + 15' 50''
186 HALLER MARCO 122 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 15H 11' 20'' + 16' 55''
187 BONO MATTEO 63 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 15H 11' 41'' + 17' 16''
188 SAGAN JURAJ 118 BORA - HANSGROHE 15H 12' 26'' + 18' 01''
189 DOMONT AXEL 13 AG2R LA MONDIALE 15H 13' 09'' + 18' 44''
190 DELAGE MICKAËL 73 FDJ 15H 13' 25'' + 19' 00''
191 HOLLENSTEIN RETO 123 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 15H 16' 06'' + 21' 41''
192 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 15H 17' 58'' + 23' 33''
193 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 15H 20' 37'' + 26' 12''
194 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 15H 27' 01'' + 32' 36''

Lanterne_Rogue

HOW DID I NOT FIND THIS BEFORE?!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Legac

pinno

Is Le Gac 'beautiful'? I suppose if you got 50-1 odds on bringing up the rear.

dish_dash

2010 Junior World Champ and not bad looking.

pinno

I remember Roger Hammond winning the junior world CX championship. It was all over the front page of the comic. Boy how he's aged, boy how he makes me feel old in the process. I still have the copy in the metaphorical loft somewhere.
At least I am older than him but he looks older than me. Perhaps I should thank my lucky stars that I had zero hope of ever becoming a professional cyclist.

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage five, and here we go again. Stung by a lack of replies, I was going to try and compete with more successful fake news outlets by promising TEN THINGS YOU WON'T BELIEVE PROFESSIONAL BIKE RIDERS RUB ON THEIR CROTCHES TO PREVENT CHAFING, but it turns out that three of them are sourced from endangered animals, one of them makes your elbow twitch uncontrollably in the presence of sprinters, and most of the rest have already got Jan Bakelants into enough trouble as it is.

Back to the Lanterne it is then, and today's stage took us from Sebastien Vittel (star of a sport that makes cycling's authorities look positively competent) to the Plank des Belle-Endes and the excitement of the first big mountain stage. Crucially for the LR classification the final climb wasn't too long in duration, so the autobus was able to shatter and produce some time splits instead of sticking together for mutual protection against the vicissitudes of the jury and their wicked, wicked stopwatch.

Four hours of red hot inaction saw a rare Italian 1-2-3 stealing over twenty minutes on GC, although none of the three yet threaten the top standing of the Lanterne. Van Keirsbulck atoned for yesterday's performance by placing eighth and Demare also had a very much more productive day. Amongst the overall contenders Dishy Le Gac placed a creditable fourth and stretched his lead over Leezer and Rowe, the latter now just a minute ahead of a deluge of mackerel and proving that Sky really don't have their priorities right when it comes to competing at this level. Tomorrow sees more sprinty madness - lets hope to see some proper time splits this time.

Dish of the day:

184 DELAGE MICKAËL 73 FDJ 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
185 KONOVALOVAS IGNATAS 75 FDJ 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
186 VAN KEIRSBULCK GUILLAUME 208 WANTY - GROUPE GOBERT 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
187 DEMARE ARNAUD 71 FDJ 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
188 SELIG RÜDIGER 119 BORA - HANSGROHE 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
189 KRISTOFF ALEXANDER 125 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 04H 03' 55'' - - + 19' 49''
190 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 04H 04' 35'' - - + 20' 29''
191 TRENTIN MATTEO 108 QUICK - STEP FLOORS 04H 05' 01'' - - + 20' 55''
192 CIMOLAI DAVIDE 72 FDJ 04H 06' 53'' - - + 22' 47''
193 GUARNIERI JACOPO 74 FDJ 04H 06' 56'' - - + 22' 50''

Cold leftovers:

184 DOMONT AXEL 13 AG2R LA MONDIALE 19H 08' 29'' + 29' 30''
185 TIMMER ALBERT 149 TEAM SUNWEB 19H 10' 08'' + 31' 09''
186 SELIG RÜDIGER 119 BORA - HANSGROHE 19H 12' 28'' + 33' 29''
187 SAGAN JURAJ 118 BORA - HANSGROHE 19H 12' 33'' + 33' 34''
188 HOLLENSTEIN RETO 123 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 19H 14' 03'' + 35' 04''
189 HALLER MARCO 122 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 19H 15' 03'' + 36' 04''
190 DELAGE MICKAËL 73 FDJ 19H 17' 20'' + 38' 21''
191 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 19H 18' 20'' + 39' 21''
192 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 19H 20' 02'' + 41' 03''
193 LE GAC OLIVIER 76 FDJ 19H 31' 36'' + 52' 37''