The Lanterne Rouge Thread 2017 **Spoilers**

imatfaal

Above The Cows wrote:

Talking about squashed body parts, who was it who had the squashed testicle last year?

I think it was about poor Ivan Basso (testicular cancer) and Sean Kelly talking around the subject - it was 2015 if that was the case

Lanterne_Rogue

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your one true and reliable source of FAKE NEWS, as we go once again through the looking glass, to a world where fast is last, winning is losing, and Donald Trump is President of the United States of America. Holy heck it's like 2016 is happening all over again. I hope you packed your rubber underwear because this is going to be exciting and we don't want any accidents.

Talking of which, German comedy tends towards the coarse and the slapstick; which probably explains why the suggestion to teflon-coat the start ramp ("It'll keep the logo clean - trust me, it'll be great") wasn't immediately slapped down with the nearest blunt instrument. There were probably more than a few fresh bodysuits needed before the first bend, and the course didn't really let up, with a succession of corners that were less 'sketchy' and more 'messily fingerpainted by over enthusiastic toddlers'. Two riders fell victim to the elements and comedy German road surfaces ("Smooth ist schneller for der Panzerwagon, oder?") and failed to complete the course: Alejandro Valverde and Ion Izagirre. Neither of them were particularly fancied to trouble the Lanterne Rouge, but another selection of riders managed to use the elements to full advantage to immediately gain time on LR.

As ever the opening stages are always a bit confused and it takes a while for the narrative to develop, so the current cast of characters are - like Love Island competitors - yet to develop the inevitable rash and embarrassing chat with the medical staff that means they have to leave. I'm already hearing rumours that Luke Durbridge won't be starting tomorrow, for example, and who knows what state Gallopin is in after the crash that enabled him to take the opening Lanterne? I can't tell you much else about the others - I have literally no idea who Madonna's mate is (please tell me he's a Basque, someone?), Rick Zabel sounds like a sprinty version of one of those tribute bands you see*, and Nacer Bouhanni seemed to wobble around like he couldn't believe the mechanics had gone and taken his stabilisers off. Anyway, here's the top ten - make of it what you will:

187 DURASEK KRISTIJAN 64 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 18' 01'' + 01' 57''
188 HANSEN ADAM 136 LOTTO SOUDAL 18' 03'' + 01' 59''
189 CURVERS ROY 144 TEAM SUNWEB 18' 16'' + 02' 12''
190 ZABEL RICK 129 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 18' 16'' + 02' 12''
191 KISERLOVSKI ROBERT 124 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 18' 17'' + 02' 13''
192 MATE MARDONES LUIS ANGEL 156 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 18' 17'' + 02' 13''
193 BOUHANNI NACER 151 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 18' 27'' + 02' 23''
194 ATAPUMA JOHN DARWIN 62 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 18' 30'' + 02' 26''
195 DURBRIDGE LUKE 83 ORICA - SCOTT 19' 05'' + 03' 01''
196 GALLOPIN TONY 135 LOTTO SOUDAL 19' 07'' + 03' 03''

*Yes, yes - I do know. Please don't explain.

Bo Duke

You always find folks showing off in the first stage, they can't keep it up after a couple of days though.

Sam Bennett is a real threat, he's tasted glory, he knows where these races are won and lost and as Richie Porte said, it's not on the first day. Maybe Porte's going to have a go? Until then my money's on Bennett.

above_the_cows

imatfaal wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Talking about squashed body parts, who was it who had the squashed testicle last year?

I think it was about poor Ivan Basso (testicular cancer) and Sean Kelly talking around the subject - it was 2015 if that was the case

Ah, that would be it, yes. All these years begin to merge into one.

RichN95.

Bo Duke wrote:

You always find folks showing off in the first stage, they can't keep it up after a couple of days though.

Sam Bennett is a real threat, he's tasted glory, he knows where these races are won and lost and as Richie Porte said, it's not on the first day. Maybe Porte's going to have a go? Until then my money's on Bennett.

Sam Bennett isn't in the race

Lanterne_Rogue

RichN95 wrote:

Bo Duke wrote:

You always find folks showing off in the first stage, they can't keep it up after a couple of days though.

Sam Bennett is a real threat, he's tasted glory, he knows where these races are won and lost and as Richie Porte said, it's not on the first day. Maybe Porte's going to have a go? Until then my money's on Bennett.

Sam Bennett isn't in the race

I could have sworn he was on the start list when I checked earlier this week, hence including him in the preview I did. Am I going mad?

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

RichN95 wrote:

Bo Duke wrote:

You always find folks showing off in the first stage, they can't keep it up after a couple of days though.

Sam Bennett is a real threat, he's tasted glory, he knows where these races are won and lost and as Richie Porte said, it's not on the first day. Maybe Porte's going to have a go? Until then my money's on Bennett.

Sam Bennett isn't in the race

I could have sworn he was on the start list when I checked earlier this week, hence including him in the preview I did. Am I going mad?

Well there's George "Gordon" Bennet. He's Sam's dad. From New Zealand.

Lanterne_Rogue

No tA Doctor wrote:

underlayunderlay wrote:

RichN95 wrote:

Bo Duke wrote:

You always find folks showing off in the first stage, they can't keep it up after a couple of days though.

Sam Bennett is a real threat, he's tasted glory, he knows where these races are won and lost and as Richie Porte said, it's not on the first day. Maybe Porte's going to have a go? Until then my money's on Bennett.

Sam Bennett isn't in the race

I could have sworn he was on the start list when I checked earlier this week, hence including him in the preview I did. Am I going mad?

Well there's George "Gordon" Bennet. He's Sam's dad. From New Zealand.

That must be where my confusion was, although I'm kicking myself. I can't cope with all these Bennetts. It's a fact universally acknowledged that if I wanted a load of Bennetts embarrassing themselves I'd read Pride and Prejudice.

Bo Duke

Minor point. I'll put my money on Gordon Bennett then.... !

RonB

In true Lanterne Rouge spirit I do believe "my man" Luke Durbridge is already out, despite or probably as a result of such a promising time in the TT yesterday. Here's hoping for a successful and speedy recovery.

kingstongraham

There's some impressive early work today be Tom Leezers and Reto Hollenstein, coming in 15 minutes down.

Lanterne_Rogue

Good evening and welcome to another instalment of FAKE NEWS, where tonight we learn that there's a campaign to nullify yesterday's results. Fans of Quintana allege that the route was accidentally based on a sketch by MC Escher and unfairly penalised the climbers by going downhill in both directions. Talking of things going downhill rapidly...

Unsurprisingly, being a sprinty sprinty stage, we got to see some fresh cream rising to the top*. The Scissor Sisters were disgusted to find that their tour bus didn't have a video feed and lamented that they couldn't see Titz on the radio**, and Chris Froome and Romain Bardet, the only rider in the field to have been named for a lettuce, made an attempt to break away and join in the LR fun. Sadly they were soon spotted by their DSs and a snatch squad of teammates dispatched to march them back to the peloton in disgrace (better luck next time, lads).

Luke Durbridge, sadly, had to abandon due to the injuries he collected yesterday, and Tony Gallopin briefly caused some excitement by posting a photo of his giant swollen foot - leading to speculation he might try riding with only one shoe and cement his LR lead. Sadly he found a clown shoe with cleats and was able to compete well enough to haul himself away from the LR, the big eejit. That leaves us with an all new, improved*** top ten.

I was at a corporate "fun" day with the kids so haven't seen the race or highlights. A complete lack of knowledge hasn't stopped me before though, so here's what I've gathered. Retro Hollenstein got his kipper tie trapped in the front wheel and brought down half the field before ambling in about 15 minutes after everyone else except for Tom Leezer. I don't know about Leezer but he is the main geezer and'll vibe up the place like nobody could**** - I presume he also hit the deck, as did Luke Rowe, who apparently has some damage to his chest but becomes Team Sky's main rider because literally everyone else buggered up their challenge in the time trial.

Above them was Marco Haller (who Wikipedia says won four stages on something called the Tour of Alibi, although he claims he wasn't there) and a deluge of mackerel, which is probably one of those weird weather phenomena we've been having. This seems to be the something the Tour is suffering from this year - see yesterday's totally freak, never seen before, regular, boring, ordinary rain in Dusseldorf - a weather event so freakish that nobody actually seemed prepared for it.

Anyway, here's the new top ten - with a healthy lead we might actually be seeing some of these again tomorrow.

186 LEMOINE CYRIL 155 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 05H 03' 57'' + 10' 47''
187 LAMMERTINK MAURITS 126 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 03' 59'' + 10' 49''
188 DOMONT AXEL 13 AG2R LA MONDIALE 05H 04' 12'' + 11' 02''
189 BONO MATTEO 63 UAE TEAM EMIRATES 05H 04' 16'' + 11' 06''
190 CLAEYS DIMITRI 152 COFIDIS, SOLUTIONS CREDITS 05H 04' 19'' + 11' 09''
191 HALLER MARCO 122 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 04' 25'' + 11' 15''
192 DELAGE MICKAËL 73 FDJ 05H 04' 26'' + 11' 16''
193 ROWE LUKE 8 TEAM SKY 05H 08' 55'' + 15' 45''
194 HOLLENSTEIN RETO 123 TEAM KATUSHA ALPECIN 05H 09' 12'' + 16' 02''
195 LEEZER TOM 164 TEAM LOTTO NL - JUMBO 05H 09' 56'' + 16' 46'

*Other things rise too. It's probably best not to think too hard about the metaphor.
**Bonus points for whoever made Titz the feedzone - it's good to see puerile puns and pro-breastfeeding statements coexisting so peacefully.
*** Citation needed
**** Leezer good, Leezer good. Oh-oh-woah.

Pross

Good to see my man Rowe performing well, I've got high hopes that he can gain some serious time after doing some team donkey work in the early parts of mountain stages. Gallopin has all the hallmarks for success but seems to lack that killer instinct to really let the peloton ride away from him.

RichN95.

Pross wrote:

Good to see my man Rowe performing well, I've got high hopes that he can gain some serious time after doing some team donkey work in the early parts of mountain stages. Gallopin has all the hallmarks for success but seems to lack that killer instinct to really let the peloton ride away from him.

If he (Gallopin) gets to Paris I would expect him to have one or two bad days along the way.

above_the_cows

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

Pross

If Rowe can just gain a minute or so tomorrow we could have the only two Welshmen book ending the race. I wonder if any nation with only two participants has ever held first and last places at the same time?

Incidentally, one for Rich maybe, has any rider ever held the yellow jersey at some point before finishing with the lanterne rouge? I suspect a few sprinters may have done it. Finishing lanterne rouge and green jersey would be a good double too.

No_Ta_Doctor

Above The Cows wrote:

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

He's going to see out his days at Sean Kelly's donkey sanctuary. You heard it here first.

For the low-down on cyclists and donkeys, click this:
viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12720773

above_the_cows

No tA Doctor wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

He's going to see out his days at Sean Kelly's donkey sanctuary. You heard it here first.

For the low-down on cyclists and donkeys, click this:
viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12720773

Will he get to go on summer holidays to Pedro Delgado's donkey sanctuary? I hear Mrs Gallopin is a fan of a good chorizo and a nice bottle of Rioja.

No_Ta_Doctor

It's worth noting that Neds have been some of the main protagonists in the race the last few years. Ned "The Geezer" Leezer himself has a bottom ten in 2015.

No_Ta_Doctor

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

He's going to see out his days at Sean Kelly's donkey sanctuary. You heard it here first.

For the low-down on cyclists and donkeys, click this:
viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12720773

Will he get to go on summer holidays to Pedro Delgado's donkey sanctuary? I hear Mrs Gallopin is a fan of a good chorizo and a nice bottle of Rioja.

Are you telling me Mrs Gallopin likes a good sausage when she's been drinking? :shock:

above_the_cows

No tA Doctor wrote:

It's worth noting that Neds have been some of the main protagonists in the race the last few years. Ned "The Geezer" Leezer himself has a bottom ten in 2015.

We're used to being at the bottom.

No tA Doctor wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

He's going to see out his days at Sean Kelly's donkey sanctuary. You heard it here first.

For the low-down on cyclists and donkeys, click this:
<span class="skimlinks-unlinked">http://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12720773</span&gt;

Will he get to go on summer holidays to Pedro Delgado's donkey sanctuary? I hear Mrs Gallopin is a fan of a good chorizo and a nice bottle of Rioja.

Are you telling me Mrs Gallopin likes a good sausage when she's been drinking? :shock:

Only after a quick spin on a Basque motorway.

Lanterne_Rogue

Before the Tour started I asked Ned Boulting on Twitter when they were going to start covering the LR. Today Imlach mentioned Sky staking out both ends of the classification. Coincidence?

rick_chasey

Above The Cows wrote:

Excellent summary underlay.

I was also disappointed with Gallopin's lack of racing instinct. If he's not careful he'll be adopted by some grandmas in Cornwall at best or end up in a can of Chappy at worse.

His foot.

above_the_cows

I know I saw that on Twitter this morning. It looks like he may be taken behind the stables later if the swelling doesn't go down.

Lanterne_Rogue

Above The Cows wrote:

I know I saw that on Twitter this morning. It looks like he may be taken behind the stables later if the swelling doesn't go down.

"Taken behind the stables"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

above_the_cows

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

I know I saw that on Twitter this morning. It looks like he may be taken behind the stables later if the swelling doesn't go down.

"Taken behind the stables"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Well something gets shot.

pinno

Being late to this and because I was drawn into undurlay's intriguing depth of analysis and humorous prose*, could I clarify some rules please?

1. Do you choose a daily protagonist or are we looking for an on the final day standing?
2. If the former in the above. does an entry carry extra points depending on a player's ranking? Surely Cummings for example, flailing excellently at the back must carry fewer points than a bigger name like Bertie? Or is it the converse i'e Cummings would have short odds whereas Baertie much longer odds?
3. If Cummings was to take one of those daft notions of winning a stage (which he sometimes does and in style), would you get docked points? Surely, a quality LR contestant is consistently draughting team cars and looking for a shove from a roadside fan when an incline poses gravitational challenges like the two bridges on stage 2.

*The TV is a bit dull, i've had the toots all day and I cannot find any mental or physical energy to find something useful to do. Apt that my state has brought me here. I also probably produce at least 0.1 watt per 10 kg's so I look up to those leading the back of peloton.

Lanterne_Rogue

Hi Pinno - as the Lanterne Rouge is the dark twin of the GC, we've always worked on accumulated time. If nothing else it has the advantage that you get to follow the same riders as the race develops.

That said, people do tend to spot individual daily efforts and call them out - I think the real joy of this thread is talking about the stories and images that don't get covered elsewhere.

pinno

I see. Now, I do not know what criteria the more experienced/skilful players in this game do to select a top class contender but I am choosing Guillaume Martin. Cynics might say that he was simply at the top of the list and the first one you come to in one of the wild card teams but then they're just cynical. Basically, out of all the lesser known riders in the start list, fortunately, the only thing I managed to find out about him was that he made the start list.

No_Ta_Doctor

underlayunderlay wrote:

I think the real joy of this thread is talking about the stories and images that don't get covered elsewhere.

Above The Cows wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Are you telling me Mrs Gallopin likes a good sausage when she's been drinking? :shock:

Only after a quick spin on a Basque motorway.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: