The rules for sandwiches

Giraffoto

After a conversation at work I’ve been struck by how few of the rules for sandwiches have been properly codifed. Please add your own to the following list:

Bread shall be brown unless the filling is chips, in which case sliced white is the only option.

Apart from a bap (bun), of course.

Or a crusty roll. All of the rules apply to rolls as well, except the one about standing it on its edge.

All slices of bread shall be thick enough to stand on their edge, unless the filling is chips.

The same goes for cheese if you’re making it for me.

Cooking marge is not an acceptable spread any more than, say, paint or glue.

Chip sandwiches shall always be called “butties”, even if you have a Southern accent and are aware that you sound slightly ridiculous saying it.

Ham shall be at least 9mm thick. Anything less is “wafer thin” and I’ve no idea who or what that stuff is for.

Crusts will be left on, unless it’s your third birthday party. If you’re still three years old and it’s not your birthday, that was just a special treat for your party.

Crisps are a condiment, not a filling – i.e., you can add them to your cheese sandwich but you can’t have just a crisp sandwich.

Jam, marmite, peanut butter or chocolate spread on the other hand are perfectly acceptable. Mr Obree swears by jam sandwiches, for instance.

Grated cheese is just wrong.

The following items are not sandwiches: hamburgers, wraps, doner kebabs, keema nans.

Subs, baguettes, paninis, ciabattas though? They’re still sandwiches. Rolls if you insist, but don’t get all precious about them.

Streaky bacon does not belong in sandwiches.

Sausages shall be split into no more than two pieces to fit in a sandwich. Except for spiral Cumberland ones, where that’s a bit tricky.

Do not brag about what’s in your sandwiches unless asked. Saying “Christ, what’s that smell?” constitutes asking for the purpose of this rule.

If the description is necessarily long winded, you must listen politely while all other listeners contribute their own favourite recipes. It’s your own fault for not answering with “Dunno, the wife/husband makes them”.

secretsam

When making sandwiches for other people (like wot I have to do), cut them into amusing shapes every now and then to baffle the eater.

Also: any cucuumber in a sandwich must be no more than 1mm thick; on the other hand, tomato should be at least 4mm thick.

All fillings must reach or slightly exceed the edge of the bread.

And crisps in sandwiches are just WRONG. As is salad cream, which is the Devil's jizz.

team47b

SecretSam wrote:

When making sandwiches for other people (like wot I have to do), cut them into amusing shapes every now and then to baffle the eater.

I always cut toast using the square root symbol.

I don't eat white flour, potato or ketchup so for me a chip butty is called 'butter'

DesB3rd

I refute “brown for all but chips” – a greasy-spoon type bacon/sausage/egg (or combination thereof) is also a candidate for styrofoam white. I’d suggest that anything that is conventional lunch material ought not to be white but anything typically consumed while hung-over, drunk or as a dirt café treat may be.

There have to be construction rules as well e.g. protecting the integrity of the bread from the threat of the “wets” (tomatoes, gherkins, fried onions, sweetcorn etc) by placing dry components outermost. Again there are exceptions; with crusty baguettes a limited amount of softening is no bad thing.

seanoconn

Sandwiches shall be cut into triangles with the crusts cut off :oops:

Can I subtract and replace rules from the list? You can't ban crisps from sandwiches!!

ballysmate

My golden rule

Shall not contain butter nor marge. Food of the devil. :twisted:

team47b

Thick white bread with fish fingers and Tartar sauce (or mayo if you're common) is a Friday alternative to the sausage sandwich I hear.

seanoconn

team47b wrote:

Thick white bread with fish fingers and Tartar sauce (or mayo if you're common) is a Friday alternative to the sausage sandwich I hear.

I invented this ^^^ Now all the local pubs have stolen my idea :evil:

team47b

I made these before you were born, sonny :roll:

I stopped making them in 1985 when I stopped eating things with bums.

seanoconn

team47b wrote:

I made these before you were born, sonny :roll:

I stopped making them in 1985 when I stopped eating things with bums and anything with any taste.

FTFY

BelgianBeerGeek

team47b wrote:

Thick white bread with fish fingers and Tartar sauce (or mayo if you're common) is a Friday alternative to the sausage sandwich I hear.

Fish fingers? Sausage sandwiches? Has the thread descended to that level already?

arran77

seanoconn wrote:

Sandwiches shall be cut into triangles with the crusts cut off :oops:

Ooohh, get Mr high and mighty....is that when one is having afternoon tea with mater and pater :P

Loretta Damage

A fried egg sandwich should always be referred to as an egg banjo, HP sauce being the only acceptable addition.

team47b

Loretta Damage wrote:

A fried egg sandwich should always be referred to as an egg banjo, HP sauce being the only acceptable addition.

Now that's a sandwich, only improved by adding fried mushrooms to make it even messier to eat

Pross

I now have a craving for each of the following:-

Chip butty, egg sandwich and fish finger sandwich. Thanks!

Chip butty for tea as a treat I think, might even put some fish fingers in it.

Disagree on bread being brown, nice fresh white doorstops are acceptable in my opinion. Otherwise not a bad set of rules. Definitely agree on crisps being an accompaniment (especially in a cheese sandwich) and not a filling on their own.

Giraffoto

DesB3rd wrote:

I refute “brown for all but chips” – a greasy-spoon type bacon/sausage/egg (or combination thereof) is also a candidate for styrofoam white. I’d suggest that anything that is conventional lunch material ought not to be white but anything typically consumed while hung-over, drunk or as a dirt café treat may be.

This is a good point - perhaps the rule should be relaxed to allow sliced white if the filling is so unhealthy that brown bread would be ashamed to be seen with it.

DesB3rd wrote:

There have to be construction rules as well e.g. protecting the integrity of the bread from the threat of the “wets” (tomatoes, gherkins, fried onions, sweetcorn etc) by placing dry components outermost. Again there are exceptions; with crusty baguettes a limited amount of softening is no bad thing.

Another excellent point, although it's too complicated for making into a rule. Maybe an advisory appendix.

team47b wrote:

Thick white bread with fish fingers and Tartar sauce (or mayo if you're common) is a Friday alternative to the sausage sandwich I hear

I'm prepared to allow white bread in this context, as long as it's thick enough to stand on edge, because fish finger sandwiches are the food of the gods.

Pross

Loretta Damage wrote:

A fried egg sandwich should always be referred to as an egg banjo, HP sauce being the only acceptable addition.

I assume it doesn't even need a rule to state that the yoke has to be yellow and runny - none of this 'set' yoke that people do for apparent food safety reasons :evil:

monkimark

Giraffoto wrote:

Chip sandwiches shall always be called “butties”, even if you have a Southern accent and are aware that you sound slightly ridiculous saying it.

]

Unless it's a chip barm, these details are important.

arran77

monkimark wrote:

Giraffoto wrote:

Chip sandwiches shall always be called “butties”, even if you have a Southern accent and are aware that you sound slightly ridiculous saying it.

]

Unless it's a chip barm, these details are important.

Carm down, carm down :P

Loretta Damage

Pross wrote:

Loretta Damage wrote:

A fried egg sandwich should always be referred to as an egg banjo, HP sauce being the only acceptable addition.

I assume it doesn't even need a rule to state that the yoke has to be yellow and runny - none of this 'set' yoke that people do for apparent food safety reasons :evil:

Correct, otherwise you will lose the banjo effect that should be achieved when the first bite is taken.

verylonglegs

Fish fingers? How can anyone past the age of 11 still be eating them?

One rule I have is regarding bacon sandwiches...get decent quality smoked bacon and keep the sauce away, it's not needed.

Pross

verylonglegs wrote:

Fish fingers? How can anyone past the age of 11 still be eating them?

Culinary philistine!

MattC59

Beef in sandwiches should be sliced thinly, rare and accompanied by a sh!t load of horseradish sauce.

Cygnus

verylonglegs wrote:

Fish fingers? How can anyone past the age of 11 still be eating them?

How old is Dr Who?

Giraffoto

MattC59 wrote:

Beef in sandwiches should be sliced thinly, rare and accompanied by a sh!t load of horseradish sauce.

Or warm and accompanied by gravy. Although I take issue with "thinly"

Cygnus

Giraffoto wrote:

Crisps are a condiment, not a filling – i.e., you can add them to your cheese sandwich but you can’t have just a crisp sandwich unless you live up north

FTFY

Giraffoto

verylonglegs wrote:

Fish fingers? How can anyone past the age of 11 still be eating them?

In sandwiches, with tartare sauce or mayo. Keep up now.

MattC59

Giraffoto wrote:

MattC59 wrote:

Beef in sandwiches should be sliced thinly, rare and accompanied by a sh!t load of horseradish sauce.

Or warm and accompanied by gravy. Although I take issue with "thinly"

You can still have a ton of beef, just lots of slices.

seanoconn

MattC59 wrote:

Giraffoto wrote:

MattC59 wrote:

Beef in sandwiches should be sliced thinly, rare and accompanied by a sh!t load of horseradish sauce.

Or warm and accompanied by gravy. Although I take issue with "thinly"

You can still have a ton of beef, just lots of slices.

Proper American salt beef with lots of slices. Now that's a sandwich! With compulsory pickled cucumber spears on the side.

laurentian

Slices of bread used to make a sandwich will be placed "cut face to cut face" exactly as if they were in the original uncut loaf but with the filling of choice between them. Under no circumstances will either slice be turned "back to face" in opposition to their natural order to create a poor fitting and untidy meal or snack or "Wandsich".

47p2

Mothers Pride 'plain loaf' (Scottish cuisine) outside slices 1" thick each, spread thickly with slightly salted butter and topped with 3/8" thick extra strong cheddar, to be taken with a large mug of extra strong tea.

The other option is to replace the cheddar with square sliced and HP brown