Seemingly trivial things that cheer you up

rick_chasey

rjsterry said:

rick_chasey said:

TheBigBean said:

rick_chasey said:

Well what happens when no one sticks up for you? What you gonna do?

You have to rely on yourself.

I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but that is the reality of life.

I'm sure you will ignore this and call me a patronising censored , but I think you need to work through your experiences and try to reach a different conclusion. Right now, it sounds pretty unhealthy. I know in any other context (eg domestic violence or rape) you would not be saying "that's life, get over it". In this context, you were the victim, but you are moving towards being unable to recognise other victims.

No but I think plenty of women would recognise that relying on the police isn’t going to stop it or help them , right?

In which case the thing that needs fixing is the police and the abusers; not a better coping strategy.

Sure absolutely. No one is disagreeing with that.

That’s not in one’s control however. What you do yourself you can control. Right?

pinno

TheBigBean said:

rick_chasey said:

Well what happens when no one sticks up for you? What you gonna do?

You have to rely on yourself.

I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but that is the reality of life.

I'm sure you will ignore this and call me a patronising censored , but I think you need to work through your experiences and try to reach a different conclusion. Right now, it sounds pretty unhealthy. I know in any other context (eg domestic violence or rape) you would not be saying "that's life, get over it". In this context, you were the victim, but you are moving towards being unable to recognise other victims.

'...moving towards...' ? Gone more like.

pinno

rjsterry said:

rick_chasey said:

TheBigBean said:

rick_chasey said:

Well what happens when no one sticks up for you? What you gonna do?

You have to rely on yourself.

I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but that is the reality of life.

I'm sure you will ignore this and call me a patronising censored , but I think you need to work through your experiences and try to reach a different conclusion. Right now, it sounds pretty unhealthy. I know in any other context (eg domestic violence or rape) you would not be saying "that's life, get over it". In this context, you were the victim, but you are moving towards being unable to recognise other victims.

No but I think plenty of women would recognise that relying on the police isn’t going to stop it or help them , right?

In which case the thing that needs fixing is the police and the abusers; not a better coping strategy.

This ^.

The majority on here are expressing altruism and have clear lines of what it acceptable and what isn't.
Funny dat.

rick_chasey

pinno said:

rjsterry said:

rick_chasey said:

TheBigBean said:

rick_chasey said:

Well what happens when no one sticks up for you? What you gonna do?

You have to rely on yourself.

I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but that is the reality of life.

I'm sure you will ignore this and call me a patronising censored , but I think you need to work through your experiences and try to reach a different conclusion. Right now, it sounds pretty unhealthy. I know in any other context (eg domestic violence or rape) you would not be saying "that's life, get over it". In this context, you were the victim, but you are moving towards being unable to recognise other victims.

No but I think plenty of women would recognise that relying on the police isn’t going to stop it or help them , right?

In which case the thing that needs fixing is the police and the abusers; not a better coping strategy.

This ^.

The majority on here are expressing altruism and have clear lines of what it acceptable and what isn't.
Funny dat.

Focus on what you can control. You can say something needs to be done about it till you’re blue in the face. Doesn’t mean they will.

In the meantime, what are gonna do when you come home with broken ribs again eh?

🤷🏻‍♂️

I think you lot are confusing what ought to happen (ie, it not happening at all) with what you can do yourself in those types of situations when they do occur.

When you’re being mugged at knifepoint, it’s no use blaming the police when you can feel the tip of the knife poking into your jumper, right?

And anyway, all they’ll say in that situation is “it’s probably a homeless drug addict who moves from town to town” after you spent 3 hours going through books of photos of possible suspects.

pinno

rick_chasey said:

pinno said:

rjsterry said:

rick_chasey said:

TheBigBean said:

rick_chasey said:

Well what happens when no one sticks up for you? What you gonna do?

You have to rely on yourself.

I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but that is the reality of life.

I'm sure you will ignore this and call me a patronising censored , but I think you need to work through your experiences and try to reach a different conclusion. Right now, it sounds pretty unhealthy. I know in any other context (eg domestic violence or rape) you would not be saying "that's life, get over it". In this context, you were the victim, but you are moving towards being unable to recognise other victims.

No but I think plenty of women would recognise that relying on the police isn’t going to stop it or help them , right?

In which case the thing that needs fixing is the police and the abusers; not a better coping strategy.

This ^.

The majority on here are expressing altruism and have clear lines of what it acceptable and what isn't.
Funny dat.

Focus on what you can control. You can say something needs to be done about it till you’re blue in the face. Doesn’t mean they will.

In the meantime, what are gonna do when you come home with broken ribs again eh?

🤷🏻‍♂️

I think you lot are confusing what ought to happen...

You've deviated.
We were talking about what is acceptable/tolerable.

You said that bullying was a part of life and people just had to get on with it/take it on the chin.
We didn't disagree that it was part of life but disagreed with the latter.

Now you're just off on one.

rick_chasey

If I said “take it on the chin” I didn’t mean it like that.

I meant that bullying is a reality of life and as much as you can try to stamp it out, you can’t always avoid it so it’s sensible to learn how to handle it.

pinno

Back OT:

Watched a Chaffinch bathe itself on the bend of a small stream yesterday where the water was calm and thought 'that was lucky' as I stood still and the bird didn't seem to mind me. Then a Robin came along moments after and did the same.

Jezyboy

Pross said:

It’s quite ironic that Rick is taking the stiff upper lip, moral fibre stance on this more associated with Boomers and us oldies are the snowflakes

I can imagine him as the boomer boss explaining how it was censored in his day so should be the same for you younglings.

rick_chasey

Jezyboy said:

Pross said:

It’s quite ironic that Rick is taking the stiff upper lip, moral fibre stance on this more associated with Boomers and us oldies are the snowflakes

I can imagine him as the boomer boss explaining how it was censored in his day so should be the same for you younglings.

Charming. Glad you think my approach to management is bullying and calling them names.

All I'm advocating is a bit of self sufficiency. You can't rely on other people.

Juniors should try to work things out themselves first, and if they are really struggling, the boss can fill in the gaps. Don't expect to be handed it all on a plate - what happens when the boss isn't around?

Have some savings in the bank, get your head down and earn enough that you can look after yourself and your family and not have to rely on anyone else. The savings are there so when they do let you down by whatever means, you have enough to fall back on to help sort yourself out.

Understand that there are bad people in the world and you can't always avoid them, so learn to handle that.

Be nice to everyone so you're not one of those bad people.

That's it. Part of mental health is resilience, just like physical health. You have to actively work to be able to handle the bad sh!t life throws at you, just like your body handles the bacteria and viruses that come at you. Obviously you don't want to be part of the bad sh!t that is thrown at people.

Once you have that in place, then you can keep your brain active with the bigger picture stuff.

Never rely on authorities. You can't guarantee they will come to your rescue.

rjsterry

rick_chasey said:

Jezyboy said:

Pross said:

It’s quite ironic that Rick is taking the stiff upper lip, moral fibre stance on this more associated with Boomers and us oldies are the snowflakes

I can imagine him as the boomer boss explaining how it was censored in his day so should be the same for you younglings.

Charming. Glad you think my approach to management is bullying and calling them names.

All I'm advocating is a bit of self sufficiency. You can't rely on other people.

Juniors should try to work things out themselves first, and if they are really struggling, the boss can fill in the gaps. Don't expect to be handed it all on a plate - what happens when the boss isn't around?

Have some savings in the bank, get your head down and earn enough that you can look after yourself and your family and not have to rely on anyone else. The savings are there so when they do let you down by whatever means, you have enough to fall back on to help sort yourself out.

Understand that there are bad people in the world and you can't always avoid them, so learn to handle that.

Be nice to everyone so you're not one of those bad people.

That's it. Part of mental health is resilience, just like physical health. You have to actively work to be able to handle the bad sh!t life throws at you, just like your body handles the bacteria and viruses that come at you. Obviously you don't want to be part of the bad sh!t that is thrown at people.

Once you have that in place, then you can keep your brain active with the bigger picture stuff.

Never rely on authorities. You can't guarantee they will come to your rescue.

At the risk of dragging this out, I think the thing that I and possibly others find surprising is the contrast between the attitude you have described above, which comes across as a bit fatalist, and examples where you have been very proactive in trying to change things for the better - for example what you've done on diversity at work.

Apologies for the long sentence.

rick_chasey

I guess I try my hardest to make the little world i inhabit a better place (IRL anyway), because I think it's largely sh!t, but I feel I can only do that because I've worked hard to get my own sh!t together.

People who can't cope can't help others. I work hard to not be someone who can't cope. The less sh!t around there is, the less coping people have to do, sure.

pinno

rick_chasey said:

Jezyboy said:

Pross said:

It’s quite ironic that Rick is taking the stiff upper lip, moral fibre stance on this more associated with Boomers and us oldies are the snowflakes

I can imagine him as the boomer boss explaining how it was censored in his day so should be the same for you younglings.

Charming. Glad you think my approach to management is bullying and calling them names.

All I'm advocating is a bit of self sufficiency. You can't rely on other people.

Juniors should try to work things out themselves first, and if they are really struggling, the boss can fill in the gaps. Don't expect to be handed it all on a plate - what happens when the boss isn't around?

Have some savings in the bank, get your head down and earn enough that you can look after yourself and your family and not have to rely on anyone else. The savings are there so when they do let you down by whatever means, you have enough to fall back on to help sort yourself out.

Understand that there are bad people in the world and you can't always avoid them, so learn to handle that.

Be nice to everyone so you're not one of those bad people.

That's it. Part of mental health is resilience, just like physical health. You have to actively work to be able to handle the bad sh!t life throws at you, just like your body handles the bacteria and viruses that come at you. Obviously you don't want to be part of the bad sh!t that is thrown at people.

Once you have that in place, then you can keep your brain active with the bigger picture stuff.

Never rely on authorities. You can't guarantee they will come to your rescue.

Rick's life lessons. Chapter 1?

I'm really looking forward to chapter 2.

Pross

There was a report on Breakfast this morning about a doctor's surgery in Somerset where they are trying a completely new approach to things which fits in with thread as it cheers me up that people are trying new things that seem to work better for all involved.

However, one of the things they've done is train people to deal with lots of issues over the phone so no appointments are needed. One of the calls they took was from a 14 year old girl thinking of suicide due to bullying at school. Thankfully they put her in touch with a mental health team that do regular checks on her well-being rather than tell her that she should just get used to it as she'll be getting bullied for the whole of her life.

surrey_commuter

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

rick_chasey

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

Rozzers basically said they were troubled kids, they know the families and "boys will be boys". They suggested I change my walk home from school in order to avoid them, so they made it plain that it was up to me to handle it.

focuszing723

Pross said:

There was a report on Breakfast this morning about a doctor's surgery in Somerset where they are trying a completely new approach to things which fits in with thread as it cheers me up that people are trying new things that seem to work better for all involved.

However, one of the things they've done is train people to deal with lots of issues over the phone so no appointments are needed. One of the calls they took was from a 14 year old girl thinking of suicide due to bullying at school. Thankfully they put her in touch with a mental health team that do regular checks on her well-being rather than tell her that she should just get used to it as she'll be getting bullied for the whole of her life.

That sounds good, very positive.

rjsterry

rick_chasey said:

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

Rozzers basically said they were troubled kids, they know the families and "boys will be boys". They suggested I change my walk home from school in order to avoid them, so they made it plain that it was up to me to handle it.

As good an example as any that tolerance of this kind of stuff by those in authority is effectively encouraging it.

rick_chasey

Sure. I'm certainly not advocating tolerance. If it was up to me they'd all have gone to whatever the juvenile version of prison is, but I know that doesn't happen.

It's a bit like with the NHS falling over. You gotta go earn more and pay for private because you can't rely on the state to be able to look after you.

No point crossing your fingers and hoping it'll get better. Gotta own that stuff yourself. And then with the rest of your bandwidth you can go and do something about the bigger stuff.

rjsterry

It's a fair point that you have a finite amount of time and energy so you need to pick where you think you can make a difference.

surrey_commuter

rick_chasey said:

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

Rozzers basically said they were troubled kids, they know the families and "boys will be boys". They suggested I change my walk home from school in order to avoid them, so they made it plain that it was up to me to handle it.

I am amazed that your parents accepted that

rick_chasey

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

Rozzers basically said they were troubled kids, they know the families and "boys will be boys". They suggested I change my walk home from school in order to avoid them, so they made it plain that it was up to me to handle it.

I am amazed that your parents accepted that

Well they didn't but what you gonna do?

kingstongraham

I haven't seen bullying behaviour at the places I've worked - with the exception of a recruitment agency. Maybe there is something about the people in that industry.

rjsterry

kingstongraham said:

I haven't seen bullying behaviour at the places I've worked - with the exception of a recruitment agency. Maybe there is something about the people in that industry.

I think you've just been very fortunate. Think of the number of inquiries into various organisational failings. A culture of tolerating bullying comes up again and again. And every bully creates more bullies.

rick_chasey

It's very difficult to stamp out, especially when those on whom the business relies on are the bullies.

rick_chasey

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

surrey_commuter said:

rick_chasey said:

No one is saying “it didn’t do me any harm”.

I’m saying when the chips are down no one will help so you should know how to handle it.

And I don’t really know how they stamp it out. Even the excluded kids would just wait outside my house and kick my head in then.

Surely kicking somebody in the head outside your house has nothing to do with bullying or the school. The only debate should have been ABH or GBH and if they were going to get banged up

Rozzers basically said they were troubled kids, they know the families and "boys will be boys". They suggested I change my walk home from school in order to avoid them, so they made it plain that it was up to me to handle it.

I am amazed that your parents accepted that

FWIW, teachers suggested the same. That i make myself "less of a target". My parents had some sympathy with the position. As a 12,13,14,15 year old, I obviously thought that was ludicrous and so made myself more of a target to prove some point or other.

Wouldn't recommend, but then I'm not one to give in. At school, if you hit them hard enough (ideally a broken nose, but that's hard to do when you're small) in a fight they will eventually "respect you" and give you condescending grief rather than smacking you around.

Obviously you need a different set of tools in the workplace to deal with it, as fighting back in any capacity, verbally or otherwise is obviously a one-way ticket to a P45 and permanent unemployment.

That's largely a case of taking it and, in the most professional way, highlighting how poor it is they do that. You can leave, but then I went from being bullied at school to being bullied at work, and then again at the next place, and the place after that, so you don't always believe there is a world without it out there.

I'm quite lucky in my new place* (now there 4 years) the one or two who were bullies left, so I'm actually grief free.

focuszing723

That's good to hear.

rick_chasey

Have probably revealed too much. Anyway.

focuszing723

No, it was good. Get it off your chest.

Jezyboy

rick_chasey said:

Jezyboy said:

Pross said:

It’s quite ironic that Rick is taking the stiff upper lip, moral fibre stance on this more associated with Boomers and us oldies are the snowflakes

I can imagine him as the boomer boss explaining how it was censored in his day so should be the same for you younglings.

Charming. Glad you think my approach to management is bullying and calling them names.

All I'm advocating is a bit of self sufficiency. You can't rely on other people.

Juniors should try to work things out themselves first, and if they are really struggling, the boss can fill in the gaps. Don't expect to be handed it all on a plate - what happens when the boss isn't around?

Have some savings in the bank, get your head down and earn enough that you can look after yourself and your family and not have to rely on anyone else. The savings are there so when they do let you down by whatever means, you have enough to fall back on to help sort yourself out.

Understand that there are bad people in the world and you can't always avoid them, so learn to handle that.

Be nice to everyone so you're not one of those bad people.

That's it. Part of mental health is resilience, just like physical health. You have to actively work to be able to handle the bad sh!t life throws at you, just like your body handles the bacteria and viruses that come at you. Obviously you don't want to be part of the bad sh!t that is thrown at people.

Once you have that in place, then you can keep your brain active with the bigger picture stuff.

Never rely on authorities. You can't guarantee they will come to your rescue.

Well no, generally you give the impression that you'd be the last person to tell their team that they needed to put up with crap because you had to.

But on this you seem to be suggesting that dealing with bullying is just being a little more resilient, and that it can be helpful to have sht thrown at you.

I don't feel like getting bullied in one scenario acts as a particularly helpful preparation for other tough times.

pinno

focuszing723 said:

No, it was good. Get it off your chest but consider that your POV and experiences might have clouded a more reasoned conclusion.

FTFY