Make me laugh.

byke68

Found this one on a Youtube comment for a Cure video - "I was trapped in a forest once, luckily I had a chainsaw with me".
Well, it made me laugh!

dd1

I don't know who invented the Halal meat slicer, but I bet Abu Hamza had a hand in it

dd1

My psychiatrist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. Well, we'll f**king see about that, won't we

dd1

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre at the weekend and we saw a gaggle of young girls all wearing next to nothing pouring out of HMV. "Phwoar" I said to the wife, pointing out a gorgeous lass of about 20, "I bet you'd love to have legs like her".
She didnt respond, but I could tell she was upset. I could here the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

nevman

Helping the wife in the garden today,she filled a seedtray with water.
Me-whats that for?
Her-Im going to soak my box

How was I to know she`d been down the garden centre?

Gizmodo

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them 
off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now 
getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do  
something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the
man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Gizmodo

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' 
The driver says,
 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.' 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' 
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.' 
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' 

The officer frowns and says,
 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.' 
The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' 
The wife says,
 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' 
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??' 
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' 

I love this part.... :


'Only when he's pissed.' 

byke68

A bloke walks into the doctor's surgery with a strawberry growing out of the side of his head, the doctor says to him "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

jawooga

I got stung by a bee the other day...

...twenty pound for a jar of honey...

mididoctors

[Vine]Albino...you can't say fairer than that[/Vine]

Gizmodo

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

SmellTheGlove

On Friday I ended up in A&E after getting hurt during a pillow fight. The nice doctor said "we’ll have to keep you in over night - we think you might be suffering from concushion."

dd1

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:







'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf

Aggieboy

Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."

HiMoz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... WP5xE6eDso

byke68

A drunk staggered into a catholic church and sat down in a confession box but said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention but still the drunk said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times to get his attention.
The drunk said "no use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either!"

Smokin Joe

My wife called me a selfish bastard because I didn't open the car door for her. Bloody cheek, I was swimming for my life at the time.

Aggieboy

I feel so bloody used. Last night I put in a brilliant performance in bed with an older woman I've known for a while. This morning she's acting like she doesn't even know me. It's definitely the worst part about working in an old peoples home.