Make me laugh.

grandad3

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.
The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.
The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette.
The brunette then asks if he's got his lights on. The blonde replies Yes No Yes No Yes No.

Cleat Eastwood

a buddist joke - always makes me smile

A frog jumps in the water.....splash.

napoleond

My mate got arrested and sacked the other day for stealing from work. He was a lollipop man. I should have known there was a problem, last time I was round his house all the signs were there.

shouldbeinbed

I've just been sacked from my job on the ferris wheel. I'm suing for funfair dismissal

manglier

millymoose wrote:

What is brown and sticky?

A stick?






































A Stick!

garrynolan

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?






A stick...

dd1

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares earlier today.

going for a sh*t could spell trouble !!

Blacktemplar

THE QUICKFIRE GENIUS OF TIM VINE - shamelessly blagged from another forum......

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.

I was at a football match the other day, and right at the end some guys dressed in black came onto the pitch with swords. "What's all this about then?" I asked my mate"
"It's Ninjery time"

veronese68

How do you defuse a cheese bomb?





Caerphilly.

MaxwellBygraves

How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

Stevo_666

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month...

Stevo_666

What's red and hangs from a c***?

Ed Balls' tie.

greg66_tri_v2.0

It is not widely known that Aunty and Bunty were the first two publications in an ill-fated series of alphabetically named girls' magazines...

Kenjaja1

A terrorist walked into a pet shop placed a bomb on the counter, pressed the fuse timer and shouted, "You've got exactly 30 seconds to get out".

As the bomber legged it out of the door a tortoise yelled, "You bastard!"

morstar

Egyptologists have discovered a mummy encased in chocolate and nuts...

They say it was a Pharaoh Rocher.

Stevo_666

Two Palestinian women in a clothes shop. One of them says to the other "Does my bomb look big in this?"

napoleond

I accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble letters last night. Worried about going to the toilet now as it may spell trouble.

veronese68

Scary fact:


25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


That's bloody scary... it means 75% are running around with no medication!

iainment

Aggieboy wrote:

A couple of dwarves from the circus were asked at the maternity wing whether they wanted a boy or a girl. The dad replied "We don't give a f*ck to be honest, as long as it fits in a canon"

This is very clever - a double joke with a religious aspect as well.

Ben6899

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ze Gestapo! Vee know you are inside.

bartimaeus

Raymondo60 wrote:

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre.... so the barman gave her one!

The same woman walked up to a roadie and asked for a Double Entendre... so he gave her one too.

Smokin Joe

A girl runs into her mum, "Mummy, can little girls like me have babies?"

Mum replies, "No, of course not".

Girl rushes back out, "Hey gang, it's ok. We can play that game again."

Kenjaja1

Two five year old girls were talking and one says, "I found a contraceptive on the veranda yesterday"

Her friend asks “What’s a veranda?”

crumbschief

A little boy was lost in a big supermarket.

He approached a security guard and said, "I’ve lost my grandad"

The security guard asked, "What’s he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

pinno

I've been on a Whisky diet, its working - i've lost a week already
{Tommy Cooper}

seanoconn

The INTERNET

Where men are men.

Where women are men.

And when children are the F.B.I

natrix

Gizmodo wrote:

2 nuns in a bath. 1 nun says "Wears the soap?", the 2nd nun says "Yes it does doesn't it".

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.
First nun says "Do you come this way often?"
Second nun says "No, I normally use the soap"

byke68

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the lane and turned into a field.................


I'll get me coat.

mudcow007

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

dd1

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said "Tou're wasting your time & our money on all these inventions that you are trying to invent"

It was at this point that the Slap-a-Fat-Tw*t automotaic 3000 turbo proved her wrong!