Make me laugh.

dd1

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

dd1

Scientists have warned that beer may contain the female hormone.

I think they're right, after 8 pints I talk shite and my driving is awful !!

garrynolan

Rude... Why should you wrap your hamster in sellotape*?

So it doesn't burst when you f**k it...

Bad taste... What's got a million legs and can't walk?

Half a million cripples...

* Other brands are available.

pinno

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

pinno

(Sligthly dated)

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

byke68

A mate said to me the other day - "are they jeans?" No, I replied, they're mine!

nathancom

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

jrduquemin

I went into my local petshop and said 'I want to buy a wasp please'
The man behind the counter said 'We don't sell wasps'
I said 'There's one in the window'

jrduquemin

A wig and a turd go into a bar
The wig says '2 pints of lager please'
The barman says 'I'm not serving you'
'Why not?' asks the wig
'Because you're off your head, and your mate's steaming'

de_sisti

Was following a rubbish truck down the road the other day when a dildo
flew out of the back and hit our windscreen. To hide her embarrassment
the other half turned to the kids and said; "My that was a big insect"
To which the 9yr old replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size"

de_sisti

A duck goes into a pub at lunchtime, walks up to the bar and orders a pint and a butty.
The barman thinks it's a bit odd, a talking duck that drinks beer, but serves him anyway.

This goes on everyday for 3 weeks, and a travelling circus comes into town. When the duck
comes in for his pint and sandwich the barman says to him;
"You know there is a travelling circus in town, they might have a job for you"
"What would a travelling circus want with a carpenter?" says the duck

de_sisti

Two tomatoes in a fridge. One says to the other, "It's cold in here, isn't it?"

The other tomato replies; "F***ing hell, a talking tomato!"

de_sisti

Ok, I admit, I stole them from this thread on YACF.

byke68

A woman walked past a building site when she overheard a builder say to his mate "I'd give her one!".
She stopped and shouted back "you are a disgusting pig, what makes you think I'd want sex with you?"
The builder replied back "sex? I wasn't on about sex, I was giving you 1 out of 10!"

byke68

My missus finally snapped with me yesterday "what is it with you and this obession with plants? Stop it, I've had enough! No more!"
I replied back " what are you on about petal? Where did all this stem from?!"

manglier

What has one wheel and flies?











A wheelbarrow full of manure.

veronese68

How d'you get a fat bird into bed?


Piece of cake.

CiB

My wife's left me, saying my compulsive desire to touch pasta has gone beyond reasonable. I'm feeling cannelloni right now tbh. She did say recently that my need to list everything was a bit OCD so I filed that under I for Impulsive. And the kids are doing my head in. They have no sense of responsibility and blame everything on someone else. I reckon they get that from my wife's side of the family.

dd1

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".

dd1

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."

dd1

I sent a photo of the missus to the BBC for a new programme they are starting.

They sent it back and pointed out it was actually going to be called Fact Hunt !!

p9uma

I took my wife to a clinic the other day for a check up for suspected torrets syndrom....



Its all ok though, it turns out that I really am C*nt and she just want me to F*ck off

dd1

I will never forget my childhood, my Mum would make me climb inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill.
They were goodyears!

dd1

a scouser goes on dragons den and shows them an old shotgun and a gamekeepers pouch.

Peter Jones says "So, whats your idea?"

the scouser replies, "its a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag"

mikeabanks

Two Budgies sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

raymondo60

One snowman said to the other, 'Can you smell carrots?'

rhext

Oldies are the best:

What's green and goes red at the touch of a button?

A frog in a liquidiser!

In a bid to improve performance, I tried removing the shells from my racing snails. It didn't work though, it just made them sluggish.

jc4lab

...

team47b

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Beatmaker

999: What's your emergency?
Me: There are two girls fighting over me
999: Ok, well what's the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning.