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Make me laugh.

cadenzaaacadenzaaa Posts: 36
edited June 2012 in The bottom bracket
Give us all your best SHORT joke! I'll start:

I was just at the cash machine and a little old lady said she was struggling to see the screen and asked me if I would check her balance for her. So, not wanting to impolite, I gave her a big shove and she fell over.

I know you can all do better :lol:
Apologies to anyone I may have offended with previous sig.
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  • GizmodoGizmodo Posts: 1,928
    2 nuns in a bath. 1 nun says "Wears the soap?", the 2nd nun says "Yes it does doesn't it".
    Summer - Canyon Ultimate CF SLX 9.0 Team
    Winter - Trek Madone 3.5 2012 with UDi2 upgrade.
    For getting dirty - Moda Canon
  • HoHoHoBlueGiantHoHoHoBlueGiant Posts: 85
    I know a joke about butter, I'd tell you, but you'll just spread it !

    (Abbie, my daughter, age 6)
    Wind. Cold. Rain. Pick two.
  • cadenzaaacadenzaaa Posts: 36
    Bloke wanders down stairs after a night out on the whisky to find his missus frying one of his socks. 'What are you doing?' The wife says, 'well...last night you asked me to cook your sock!'
    Apologies to anyone I may have offended with previous sig.
  • raymondo60raymondo60 Posts: 735
    A woman walked into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre.... so the barman gave her one!
    Raymondo

    "Let's just all be really careful out there folks!"
  • dd1dd1 Posts: 73
    I asked a 100 women washing their hair in the shower which shampoo they prefered ?

    99% of them said "How the F**k did you get in here ?"
    Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red
  • dd1dd1 Posts: 73
    After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

    But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I though sod it, I'll soldier on !!
    Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red
  • mfinmfin Posts: 6,726
    What have George Michael and a Wellington Boot got in common?
    They both get sucked off in Bogs.
  • graham.graham. Posts: 862
    When the pope was last over here, a protester was arrested for throwing a bottle of Domestos at him.

    He was charged with a bleach of the priest!

    :roll:
    My Flickr Pics
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    NSFW/Kids http://youtu.be/nTJmTJxCFHs
  • napoleondnapoleond Posts: 5,990
    Took my pet goldfish to the vets earlier,
    Me/ 'I think he has epilepsy''
    Vet- 'looks fine to me'
    Me- 'how can you tell, I haven't even taken him out the bowl yet?'
    Insta: ATEnduranceCoaching
    ABCC Cycling Coach
  • Kieran_BurnsKieran_Burns Posts: 9,757
    (40 year old joke)

    What goes peck-peck bang?

    A chicken in a minefield
    Chunky Cyclists need your love too! :-)
    2009 Specialized Tricross Sport
    2011 Trek Madone 4.5
    2012 Felt F65X
    Proud CX Pervert and quiet roadie. 12 mile commuter
  • Cleat EastwoodCleat Eastwood Posts: 7,508
    i was in an art gallery the other day and the artist said 'whats your favourite colour'

    I said ' greeny blue'

    He said 'Azure'

    I said " I'm certain'

    :D:D:D
    The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
    momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.
  • oldhairylegsoldhairylegs Posts: 220
    All these people using blue tooth head sets.....
    ....They need a good clip round the ear :D
  • lemon63lemon63 Posts: 253
    wife to husband - "my [email protected] are too small, I want a censored job"
    husband - "we can't afford it, try wiping them with toilet paper instead"
    "what the hell will that do ?"
    "well it's worth a try, it worked on your censored didn't it !"
  • AggieboyAggieboy Posts: 3,996
    A couple of dwarves from the circus were asked at the maternity wing whether they wanted a boy or a girl. The dad replied "We don't give a f*ck to be honest, as long as it fits in a canon"
    "There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."
  • graham.graham. Posts: 862
    Right then.
    David Beckham's son comes in and says " Dad, can I go out to play football with my mates?"
    "Course you can son." says Dave.

    A little while later he comes back, "Dad, I don't know what number to have on my shirt!"
    David replies. "Romeo...Romeo....wear four out there Romeo!"
    Graham. :lol:
    My Flickr Pics
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    I went to the zoo yesterday but it only had one animal in it, a dog.

    It was a shih-tzu
  • MattC59MattC59 Posts: 5,408
    Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing".

    or:

    Two chimps in a bath.
    One says to the other "oo oo ah ah ah"
    The other one says, "Well put some f*cking cold in then !"
    Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observed.
    Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved
  • joshr96joshr96 Posts: 153
    I've been talking to the press about my battle with mental illness.

    Then thanked it for putting perfect creases in my trousers.

    8)
    Carrera TDF 2011 Limited Edition.
    Crossbow Hybrid
    Boardman AiR 9.8 one day..
  • cyclopathcyclopath Posts: 71
    Stationery shop moves.
  • MattC59MattC59 Posts: 5,408
    Psychic Fair - postponed due to unforseen circumstances.
    Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observed.
    Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved
  • Dave1441Dave1441 Posts: 96
    3 children are asking there mum why they are called what they are. One says hey mum why am I called daisy then the mum says because when you were born a daisy dropped on your head. Another asks why she's call rose the mum says because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head. Then the final child shouts 'auurgh' and the mum says shut up fridge.
  • byke68byke68 Posts: 1,070
    Two crisps walking over the moors when a car pulls along side - "would you like a lift?" asks the driver, "no thanks" reply the crisps, "we're Walkers"

    I saw George Michael the other day, he was very depressed, said he was going to toss himself off the Empire State building
    Cannondale Trail 6 - censored brakes!
    Cannondale CAAD8
  • STEFANOS4784STEFANOS4784 Posts: 4,109
    What have toilet roll and the Starship Enterprise got in common?

    They both search uranus looking for klingons
    winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
    Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg
  • nevmannevman Posts: 1,611
    Man walks into a shop
    Man-I`d like to buy a cuckoo clock please
    Shopkeeper-Sorry,we only sell condoms
    Man-Eh,you`ve got loads of clocks in the window?
    Shopkeeper-Well,what would you put in the window ?
    Whats the solution? Just pedal faster you baby.

    Summer B,man Team Carbon LE#222
    Winter Alan Top Cross
    All rounder Spec. Allez.
  • bartman100bartman100 Posts: 544
    Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A:Because it had some business to attend to on the other side and needed to cross the road in order to attend to the aforementioned business.
  • bartman100bartman100 Posts: 544
    An Englishman, a Scotchman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Englishman orders a glass of Rioja Gran Reserva 2002 Gran Vendema, because he likes a fine red wine. The Scotchman doesn't order anything because he is a recovering alcoholic and the Irishman isn't thirsty.
  • millymoosemillymoose Posts: 117
    What is brown and sticky?








































    A Stick!
  • oldhairylegsoldhairylegs Posts: 220
    Been seeing a couple of fortune tellers.

    One is a depressive and the other is hyperactive...... There's no happy mediums.....
  • welkmanwelkman Posts: 396
    Your mums so fat that when she pulls her fanny flaps over her head she looks like a sugar puff.

    Who invented the ipad? Your mum when she sat on her iphone.


    Both from the same 13 year old student.
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