The `ask Cleat` column
Comments
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Bump.
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
Cleat - Whilst sitting in the pub enjoying a meal and a pint with my girlfriend, these blokes started shouting "Paedo, paedo...", just 'cos she is 21 and I am 50? Totally ruined our 10th anniversary. What should I have done?seanoconn - gruagach craic!0
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pinarello001 wrote:Cleat - Whilst sitting in the pub enjoying a meal and a pint with my girlfriend, these blokes started shouting "Paedo, paedo...", just 'cos she is 21 and I am 50? Totally ruined our 10th anniversary. What should I have done?
reminds me of this...
You're the light wiping out my batteries; You're the cream in my airport coffee's.0 -
I think I have stumbled on something profound here.
Dear Cleat, Once you have found a Moose to bang in North Yorkshire, perhaps you could answer this deep and searching question that is leaving me unsettled and without sleep - Do you think Wiggle are to blame for Eccles cakes?seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Time to put this thread back up the leader board...
Its hissing down and my hometrainer has been loaned out.
Cleat - Why do people post serious threads on cake stop?
Time to shut borders? What car to buy for £4k?!?!?!?!, (this is a bike forum - duh) etc etc
seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Let's dig this one up... 'Ere Cleat. Me and the missus are at a wedding this weekend and there's no 'wedding list'. She reckons this means 'Don't buy us anything' whereas I reckon it means 'Get us something'. While I admire the chutzpah of Mrs Noir I have a dread of social gaffes. Who's right here?0
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while we're on.
Cleat, what do people in china call their best plates?0 -
CHRISNOIR wrote:Let's dig this one up... 'Ere Cleat. Me and the missus are at a wedding this weekend and there's no 'wedding list'. She reckons this means 'Don't buy us anything' whereas I reckon it means 'Get us something'. While I admire the chutzpah of Mrs Noir I have a dread of social gaffes. Who's right here?
For newly wedded couples everywhere - I give you - The Banana Case.
Sex toy and handy snack for afterwards. And technically being a box it is something - but nothing until you use it - a bit like my todge.The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
dmclite-2.0 wrote:Hi Cleat,
Why is orange jam called marmalade ?
Hugs,
DMC.
It was originally made from quince - the portuguese word for which is - marmeladaThe dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
snoopsmydogg wrote:while we're on.
Cleat, what do people in china call their best plates?
The huang dong province of china (from which most clay derives) looks like a a pair of feet - cockney rhyming slang for which is.... plates - simples.
In china - chinese rhyming slang for plates is wah chang ku fong yiang sham po - which translates roughly as "set of blue dishes we bought from lidl"The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Dear Cleat,
I retired from work today and now have to spend my days with my DW.
This could spell trouble as she has a lot of plans for me outdoors-somehow this doesnt involve cycling though.
Do I submit,or set the precedent now and just move out and live in the cycleshed?Whats the solution? Just pedal faster you baby.
Summer B,man Team Carbon LE#222
Winter Alan Top Cross
All rounder Spec. Allez.0 -
Dear me nevman there's no need to move anywhere. There are a lot of activities one can do out doors - and quite a few don't involve a bike but which are, i'm led to believe, just as enjoyable.
The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Where on the woman is the cleatoris? Underneath?0
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That really does depend on the woman
I mean even if you knew.....would you really want to go there. :!: :!: :!:The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Cleat Eastwood wrote:That really does depend on the woman
I mean even if you knew.....would you really want to go there. :!: :!: :!:
If you look anything like your avatar I'm getting my banana holder and dry lube as we speak!
Is that woman losing her hair prematurely or is she only balding?0 -
And what do I do when my wood goes east instead of in a northerly direction? After I've discovered the cleatoris I'm not sure which will happen0
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neilo23 wrote:Cleat Eastwood wrote:That really does depend on the woman
I mean even if you knew.....would you really want to go there. :!: :!: :!:
If you look anything like your avatar I'm getting my banana holder and dry lube as we speak!
Is that woman losing her hair prematurely or is she only balding?
You are clairely trying to mislead me!0 -
Cleat Eastwood wrote:Dear me nevman there's no need to move anywhere. There are a lot of activities one can do out doors - and quite a few don't involve a bike but which are, i'm led to believe, just as enjoyable.
No wonder his missus can't get the bloody thing to start in the morning.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Cleat Eastwood wrote:Dear me nevman there's no need to move anywhere. There are a lot of activities one can do out doors - and quite a few don't involve a bike but which are, i'm led to believe, just as enjoyable.
FFS! :shock:Remember that you are an Englishman and thus have won first prize in the lottery of life.0 -
pinarello001 wrote:Cleat Eastwood wrote:Dear me nevman there's no need to move anywhere. There are a lot of activities one can do out doors - and quite a few don't involve a bike but which are, i'm led to believe, just as enjoyable.
No wonder his missus can't get the bloody thing to start in the morning.
To what are you referring?
The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Cleat Eastwood wrote:pinarello001 wrote:Cleat Eastwood wrote:Dear me nevman there's no need to move anywhere. There are a lot of activities one can do out doors - and quite a few don't involve a bike but which are, i'm led to believe, just as enjoyable.
No wonder his missus can't get the bloody thing to start in the morning.
To what are you referring?
The double meaing was purely coincidental. What intrigues me more is where the f*ck do you get these pics from? Have you joined a cult?seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
I got that pic from your mum - as a leaving present - it didn't work out - she didn't like eccles cakes - and I refused to wear a sporran whilst drinking my 90 shilling. She said the guy in the pic is called Alan and he is your milkman. I'd double check the yogurt if I was you. The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
nevmans milkman, Alan:Cleat Eastwood wrote:
Kids TV presenter Mr Tumble:
I think I need to sort the parental lock on my sky box :shock:“Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.”0 -
jordan_217 wrote:
I think I need to sort the parental lock on my sky box :shock:
Yep, you'd better - else Cleat will get into it. He's gawn awf the rails a little since he split up with my Mother.
Drowned his fake sporran in the pint of 90 shilling on a hot date at the Bexhill De la War pavilion along with the other purple rinses.
PS - Hope you are doing okay, regards to Gizmodo and that daft dog ! seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
Why don't you like Stoke ? [you = Cleat]. Have I missed something ?
Tin of prunes coming your way if the answer is satisfacory. Bar of organic vegetarian laxative chocolate if not.seanoconn - gruagach craic!0 -
The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he resigns
momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself.0 -
Dear Cleat,
A close friend, who worked for many years in childrens television at the BBC, has disclosed an incident he witnessed years ago, one evening, in a dressing room between two of the most popular figures from the show.He has carried the burden of what I am about to relate for many years but has now felt the need to tell.
Naturally he begged me not to pass this on to anyone,as he fears being dragged into this Dame Hilda Bracket enquiry and fully expects the Police to come knocking on his door anytime soon.He says that his wife would leave him on the spot and would ruin his life not to mention making things awkward down the golf club.I told him I would respect his confidence but I dont want to be the next to face the press so its a bit of a dilemma all round
Naturally I decided to turn to you as I believe you have experience in these matters.
He worked on the production team of this childrens programme that had millions of viewers each week-thousands of children would write in and the lucky ones (how hollow those words now sound) would get a badge.
It was dark inside the room and appeared on first sight to be empty but then he heard the sound of rustling coming from the corner-he witnessed two of the` cast` engaged in what he is certain was a sex act of the crudest kind.
Thankfully,for them,those characters are now deceased.
So my question is this-having heard his story,would you have two guinea pigs as pets?Whats the solution? Just pedal faster you baby.
Summer B,man Team Carbon LE#222
Winter Alan Top Cross
All rounder Spec. Allez.0 -
Oh jesus. Can someone put a 'NSFW' in the title.
I'm now just sat here waiting for my P45.....0
