The `ask Cleat` column

nevman

Dear Cleat,

When are you coming back.I cant stand anymore of the following

Fake breasts
A3 racks(might be the same)
Worst ever comedians
Christmas Elves
Girls
Thatcher


Please come back to us?

LeicesterLad

nevman wrote:

Dear Cleat,

When are you coming back.I cant stand anymore of the following

Fake breasts
A3 racks(might be the same)
Worst ever comedians
Christmas Elves
Girls
Thatcher


Please come back to us?

I can concur with this.

Where the F*ck are you? There's not been a decent one-liner since you left.

GiantMike

Dear Cleat (if you still exist)

What, where, why, who or when is a clitoris? I've tried googling it but I just get a load of mucky images. Really really mucky images. One, in particular, was disgusting.

LeicesterLad

GiantMike wrote:

Dear Cleat (if you still exist)

What, where, why, who or when is a clitoris? I've tried googling it but I just get a load of mucky images. Really really mucky images. One, in particular, was disgusting.

Google Image 'Blue Waffle'.

GiantMike

Dear Clit

I have just googled 'blue waffle' and have been sacked for downloading disgusting images while at work. Do I have any legal redress against LeicesterLass for loss of earnings or similar damages. I believe he was malicious in his googling recommendations. I tried googling 'hot chicks dressed as judges' to get some proper legal advice, but that just made matters worse.

Redhog14

LeicesterLad wrote:

GiantMike wrote:

Dear Cleat (if you still exist)

What, where, why, who or when is a clitoris? I've tried googling it but I just get a load of mucky images. Really really mucky images. One, in particular, was disgusting.

Google Image 'Blue Waffle'.

WRONG, just wrong.

LeicesterLad

Redhog14 wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

GiantMike wrote:

Dear Cleat (if you still exist)

What, where, why, who or when is a clitoris? I've tried googling it but I just get a load of mucky images. Really really mucky images. One, in particular, was disgusting.

Google Image 'Blue Waffle'.

WRONG, just wrong.

What were you guys looking at?
:?:

Frank the tank

LeicesterLad wrote:

nicklouse wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

nicklouse wrote:

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

Don't let it be true :shock:

it was/is. and he even posted.

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

brilliant.

I feel sick.

Let him without sin cast the first stone, from 15Peter20.

kev77

Dear cleat

Is wrong to like milking the prostrate?

;-)

LeicesterLad

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

rozzer32

RIP Cleat

GiantMike

LeicesterLad wrote:

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

I saw him at the weekend, hanging around outside the Dalby Forest toilets. I think he's up there on a short break with his pets because he said he'd been cottaging in the morning and was looking forward to dogging that afternoon.

I was a bit worried about him though because he was a bit dillusional and seemed to think he was going shooting or something. He said he was going to 'get high and bang the brains out of a moose'. There aren't any mooses in Yorkshire!

LeicesterLad

GiantMike wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

I saw him at the weekend, hanging around outside the Dalby Forest toilets. I think he's up there on a short break with his pets because he said he'd been cottaging in the morning and was looking forward to dogging that afternoon.

I was a bit worried about him though because he was a bit dillusional and seemed to think he was going shooting or something. He said he was going to 'get high and bang the brains out of a moose'. There aren't any mooses in Yorkshire!

Thats deffinately a LIE.

He doesn't need to go Cottaging, he's very open about his sexuality.

nevman

GiantMike wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

I saw him at the weekend, hanging around outside the Dalby Forest toilets. I think he's up there on a short break with his pets because he said he'd been cottaging in the morning and was looking forward to dogging that afternoon.

I was a bit worried about him though because he was a bit dillusional and seemed to think he was going shooting or something. He said he was going to 'get high and bang the brains out of a moose'. There aren't any mooses in Yorkshire!

nevman

Welcome back.You have a backlog of problems to deal,hope the Betty Ford Clinic wasnt too brutal,this time.

Cleat Eastwood

Betty Ford, yes, it's betty ford - I got confused and went to the Betty Turpin clinic - wondered what the do was with all those hot pots.

iainment

Cleat, where do you buy your fish?

Blacktemplar

Dear Cleat

I have spots and find it difficult to get on with people - can you help?

Yours sincerely,

A. Leopard

Blacktemplar

GiantMike wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

I saw him at the weekend, hanging around outside the Dalby Forest toilets. I think he's up there on a short break with his pets because he said he'd been cottaging in the morning and was looking forward to dogging that afternoon.

I was a bit worried about him though because he was a bit dillusional and seemed to think he was going shooting or something. He said he was going to 'get high and bang the brains out of a moose'. There aren't any mooses in Yorkshire!

Dear Cleat

I have a terrible rash on my bottom. Would this put my dog off having sex with me?

GiantMike

Blacktemplar wrote:

GiantMike wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

I'm worried about Cleat, anyone heard from him?

I saw him at the weekend, hanging around outside the Dalby Forest toilets. I think he's up there on a short break with his pets because he said he'd been cottaging in the morning and was looking forward to dogging that afternoon.

I was a bit worried about him though because he was a bit dillusional and seemed to think he was going shooting or something. He said he was going to 'get high and bang the brains out of a moose'. There aren't any mooses in Yorkshire!

Dear Cleat

I have a terrible rash on my bottom. Would this put my dog off having sex with me?

Not if you buy it a couple of drinks first and dim the lights.

Blacktemplar

GiantMike wrote:

Not if you buy it a couple of drinks first and dim the lights.

So that's what I'm doing wrong then........

LeicesterLad

Dear Clear

So we don't even get an explanation? :x

alan_a

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

Dear Cleat,

If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, who is going to be right?

That's funny. And genius.

alan_a

ooops double post.

DavidBelcher

Probably time to breath a bit of life into this thread as I have a query for Cleat:

Yesterday evening during a BBC2 trailer for Top Gear, during the bit where Clarkson started to spin out of control claiming "it's all gone horribly wrong" I found myself yelling "DIE! DIE!" at the TV set. Am I turning into Charlie Brooker?

David

nevman

Dear Cleat,

Due to injury and other issues,I have taken to using the bus every day-I know,its pathetic.

On my route,there is this other person on the bus ,sits in the same seat every day,says little, but is fascinating.

I have thought about some chat up lines,maybe bring some flowers,that kind of thing

The problem is that Im not sure about making the first move here

Something tells me to leave alone.

It could be I`m getting the wrong signal-the sign actually says

"Do not distract the driver when the bus is in motion"

What do you think? :oops: :oops:

Cleat Eastwood

if he has a beard - go for it, otherwise leave well alone - I speak from experience here - they tend to be closet audaxers and consequently very lonely, they crave human company and relish the 'room for one more on top' sexual option.

I was on a bus once and the driver had her name on her blouse - she was called pat, I thought it was an order - so I did...still the 6 months in broadmoor just flew by.

Redhog14

Cleat can you save the NHS?

Cleat Eastwood

Redhog14 wrote:

Cleat can you save the NHS?

Its a tough one - i'm no good at acronyms - infact I joined the K.W.P.T.A (The Organisation For People What Are No Good At Acronyms).

First thing i'd do is make it worthwhile being ill, sooooo, all nurses by law should be sexy foxes, like this...



H.P.Y (hope that helps).

Anonymous

Hi Cleat,

Why is orange jam called marmalade ?

Hugs,

DMC.