The `ask Cleat` column

nevman

Post here for informal, yet professional, personal advice you cant sort out with your friends down the pub-let Cleat have your problems.

I`ll kick off.

Cleat

I have a dilemma-I advertised for a new assistant and have three equally qualified young ladies apply.
One is a former nurse,another must be an interpreter, as she works with Poles, and the third is a soon to be retired gold medal winner casting around for a new career after July 2012.Which one should I choose?

Cleat Eastwood

Funnily enough I faced exactly the same problem, nevman - I asked the nurse what she would do if she found a vodka bottle in her daughters pockets - she said she'd be shocked that her daughter was drinking

I asked the girl who liked poles what she'd do if she found a packet of ciggies in her daughters pockets - she said she'd be shocked that her daughter was smoking

I asked the olympic retiree what she'd do if she found a condom in her daughters pockets - she said she'd be shocked that her daughter had a penis.

I employed the nurse- and when I say employed I mean spied on, and when I say nurse I mean through my web cam in the ladies bogs.

If all of the above fail then I would apply the Yossie-Norks test-- to whit if they have norks employ them as there is no greater 'minor let down' than having a norkless day.

nevman

Thanks Cleat-you were right about the sideways on photos.

Good luck with the pitch for your new cake-based reality TV show, `The only way is Eccles`-S.C. would be a fool not to invest.

Gizmodo

Dear Cleat

I need your help in deciding where to store my new bike. I could build a 6 by 4 inch shed in my garden or I could get a divorce and store it in my dinning room. What is your advice oh great one?

MattC59

Dear Cleat,
Recently, I managed 77.1mph on my bike but have no evidence to verify it, other than a series of unrelated photos and videos. I posted this on a forum and everyone was mean to me. They're still being mean to me despite me resurrecting the dead thread to let everyone know that it was a joke.

I have a number of questions ?

1) Should I contact the Guinness Book of Records, if so, do you have their number ?
2) Should I contact Wiggle, and suggest that the meanness is their fault ? (I believe I could have gone faster if the graphics to my bike hadn't been painted over, perhaps this would then have saved me from ridicule ?)
3) Would a number of photos of fine norks have been a better introductioin to said forum, rather than rediculous tales of high speed and bravery ?

Please DO SOMETHING !!!

Stone Glider

Dear Aunty Cleat,

In a recent stage race I 'gifted' (sold) a stage to a competitor for some eccles cakes. The cakes, that are left, are now stale and worthless. Should I:-
a) Demand some more cakes.
b) Go to the Internet and confess, naming the other rider and ask to be chosen for the Olympics.
c) Blame Wiggle.

Yours, in anticipation,

S G

t.m.h.n.e.t

Dear Cleat

I recently purchased a Focus bike from a well known retailer. After some months of use my friend decided that the cassette had previously been used and therefore was second-hand. While my friend had the bike I ebayed a new seat post and saddle with a vaginal cutout to protect my mangina from damages and bruising/post waxing rash.

I retrieved my bike back from my friend and proceeded to overtighten the clamp bolt thus cracking the frame,I believe that the allen key provided by the retailer may not have known it's own strength. Later that day in a fit of blind rage I decided to post my story on a well known cycling forum and unashamedly I apportioned blame directly to Wiggle,from whom the cycle was purchased,this was met with much lolling and I decided for my own sanity to leave the site.

Is cycling the sport for me or should I take up rambling?

Thanks xo

Scrumple

I'd get a life you sycophantic, funboy nitwits.

Cleat Eastwood

Dear Cleat,

If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, who is going to be right?

spinndrift

Dear Cleat,

My wife's tasty friend is coming to stay next week and as I was bored I wondered how easy it would be to hide my web cam in one of my PC speakers so I had a go and discovered it was really easy.

Do I leave it in the speakers?

rajMAN

Dear Cleat,

Everytime I go out on my (campag equipped) bike, people shout "Bummer" at me!! should I ignore them or buy a new groupset, like what the pro's use? :oops:

Smokin Joe

Scrumple wrote:

I'd get a life you sycophantic, funboy nitwits.

Dear Cleat,

I'm a sycophantic funboy nitwit and somebody has just dissed me on a cycling forum.

Should I just ignore him or go round and shag his sister?

Wirral_paul

Smokin Joe wrote:

Scrumple wrote:

I'd get a life you sycophantic, funboy nitwits.

Dear Cleat,

I'm a sycophantic funboy nitwit and somebody has just dissed me on a cycling forum.

Should I just ignore him or go round and shag his sister?

or his sister AND his mum

Cleat Eastwood

Wirral_Paul wrote:

Smokin Joe wrote:

Scrumple wrote:

I'd get a life you sycophantic, funboy nitwits.

Dear Cleat,

I'm a sycophantic funboy nitwit and somebody has just dissed me on a cycling forum.

Should I just ignore him or go round and shag his sister?

or his sister AND his mum

I think in this case just his mum as I 've just bought his sister a Scouse Vibrator - it's a mop handle and I get 6 of me mates round to shake the bed.

Scrumple

I'ts fine, my sister is your mum.

Dear Cleat,

Dear me!

x

nevman

Cleat,

A close friend has recently disclosed that he is having problems in the bedroom department

His wife has been very sweet about this,mentioning something about being `chained to a madman`.

He told his close friends down the pub and we all had a good laugh about it,once he had gone that is.

But now I am getting concerned about our apparent disregard for what must be a common problem, and our insensitive approach

So my question is.

Dragon ride or Fred Whitton this year -what do you think?

Redhog14

Dear Cleat,

I have been hiding something really important about my particular lifetstyle choices for sometime now and realise that if i "just come out with it" it might be better for all concerned. I realise that in doing so I may infact be creating more problems for myself, what with the likley public ridicule and the chance that my family may disown me. This is something that I have known about myself for a long while and have only really conducted myself in this manner in secret whislt outwardly living a lie. However the upcoming significant birthday means I feel I should just face up to who I really am. I don't like eccles cakes! There I said it, what do I do now?

Please help...

nevman

You`re disgusting.

MattC59

Redhog14 wrote:

Dear Cleat,

I have been hiding something really important about my particular lifetstyle choices for sometime now and realise that if i "just come out with it" it might be better for all concerned. I realise that in doing so I may infact be creating more problems for myself, what with the likley public ridicule and the chance that my family may disown me. This is something that I have known about myself for a long while and have only really conducted myself in this manner in secret whislt outwardly living a lie. However the upcoming significant birthday means I feel I should just face up to who I really am. I don't like eccles cakes! There I said it, what do I do now?

Please help...

Never talk to us again !

polocini

Dear Cleat,

I was recently involved in a long running thread about sportive signage on a popular cycling based forum. The thing is, I need to post on the forum to promote my events but smart arses post up on my threads about the signage almost immediately.

What do you suggest????

Yours faithfully
AL

sfichele

Dear Cleat,

I recently discovered that other forum members are easily able to break the 77.1 mph limit using only a hybrid bike,
loose clothing, poor cornering technique, and without pedalling. Yet I have can only achieve 80 kph, whilst pedalling furiously.

I am deeply depressed, having spent much money on the high end carbon bike, and Castelli parafernalia. Should I ditch the current wheels and buy a mountain bike instead? Or do I need to shave my balls and legs and then post proof on the forum?

rozzer32

Dear Cleat,

I have recently become single again and I'm wondering what you think is the best way to attract a girl who is also into cycling. I have spent many time looking and dreaming at the "Girls in....." threads and think it is time to step up.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

nicklouse

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

LeicesterLad

nicklouse wrote:

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

Don't let it be true :shock:

nicklouse

LeicesterLad wrote:

nicklouse wrote:

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

Don't let it be true :shock:

it was/is. and he even posted.

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

brilliant.

LeicesterLad

nicklouse wrote:

LeicesterLad wrote:

nicklouse wrote:

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

Don't let it be true :shock:

it was/is. and he even posted.

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

brilliant.

I feel sick.

Redhog14

nicklouse wrote:

Cleat,

You were spotted in the MTB section!

Why?

Oranges are not the only fruit, man cannot live on eccles cakes alone (or at all in my case)...

Cleat Eastwood

Ah come on guys - gazlars advent calendar is the only bit of fun I get now that my sex life is like an egg ie laid once, takes 4 mins to get hard and 2 mins to get soft and I've just found out i'm sharing a box with 5 others.

Redhog14

Dear cleat (i hope you are still talking to me) do you do gift ideas as well? - I was hoping to buy some people a "sense of humour" this year but it seems in short supply at times.. although there is plenty of misconstruing around... as well as easily offended and not got a clue what I am talking about...

nevman

Dear Cleat,

Its that time of the year again and I`m panicking.

I really need your help as I`ve got myself in a fix and time is running out fast

I havent bought my wife a present yet-she`s been a brick this year,putting up with all my training regimes,time away from home and general cycling selfishness,you know the score.

She always says it got to be expensive,shiny and come in a nice box
.
So,what do you think?

Force or Red?

Redhog14

Dear Cleat, i have to confess something else - oh dear this is all just pouring out - I have actually just got mildly excited about a pair of shoes for Speedybird - her first proper road shoes, cleats and all...