Gazlar's Dating Disasters

Gazlar

Ok, I'm ready, and its kind of put a lot of pressure on this story, I fear it may be an anticlimax, although its revered in person so here goes.

It all begins about ten years ago, I was just a poor publican at the time and I decided to take my then Girlfriend for a weekend shopping in Manchester. Because of a special deal we stayed in some kind of travel tavern in the magical land of Bolton.

We'd had a lovely evening out but were exhausted afterwards so we went to bed and fell asleep. Anyway the next morning I woke up before her and thought that failure to use the privacy would be a sin, so I disappeared under the covers and decided to wake her with a "Special Gazlar Tongue Tornado"(pat pending). She started to stir as I chowed down on the cotton candy and soon started to become pretty vocal. I decided to get in there with the fingers too, a double assault and twice the fun. At this she started getting wriggly and loud so I reached up and grabbed her wrist and pinned it to the pillow, she then in the throws of it all shouted my name, pretty good eh, no! She said Gaz have you cut yourself? theres blood all over the pillow, I emerged from the sheets to investigate and she shrieked, i then caught sight of the mirror and saw staring back at me the figure of Ronald McDonald after eating a raw steak covered in ketchup without using his hands! I then also realised I was chewing on a raisin that was lodged in a tooth, but I'd yet to eat my complimentary bowl of alpen museli...........HANG ON!!!!

Unbeknown to either of us, she'd had the painters in for a night shift and not put a wet paint sign up for the benefit of the innocent customers who would be eating at Mr fluffy's Taco shop the next morning. I whipped back the white cotton bedsheets to see it was like someone had slaughtered a lamb in the bed. In a fit of embarassment Ihopped in the shower and we left hastily (after using much mouthwash).

As we were heading towards Manchester, I realised I had left my Phone and Wallet in the room, so we had to turn around and head back. i got the room key back from reception, half expecting a comment about the murder scene left in the room, but nothing. I nipped down the corridor, and into the room, standing there holding the heavily soiled sheet was an angry looking Spanish chambermaid who stared me down and just said "No, this is not acceptable" I had literally been caught red handed, and left red faced

fungus_the_muffin_man

Muttly1981 wrote:

kona_matt wrote:

Gazlar wrote:

Turns out I'd managed to pull my (step)2nd cousin and took her outside to play piano on her pink keyboard :shock:

nothing wrong with that Gaz, completely legal I believe, you could have married her of you wanted to.In certain parts of the country that's common practice

The midlands [/b]

Nah more likely in Yorkshire

crazy88

I just threw up! I love it.

supersonic

Gazlar

haha, that happened to me once, though unbeknowned I had touched the wall with my hand. I looked up and saw this big bloody hand print, nearly shat myself! Sheets were ruined, so I used them as a cover for the floor when working on my bike after hehe.

Muttly1981

Quality G

Remembered to fail storys today whilst at work the first as an 18 year old in Benidorm been out and pulled so went back to the hotel (sharing a room with my mate) so when we got back she sugested we be quiet but i said it's ok he'd sleep through an earthquake. Anyway we'd hired mopeds for general arsing about and the helmet was on the table so i said "here put ths on love cause i'm gonna put you through that headboard" que my mate bursting out in laughter as it turned out he was only pretending to be asleep, she left shortly after :-(

The second was around 12 months back with the ex, just fooling around one afternoon on the bed and things started to move at a pace next thing my pants are down and she's trying her hardest to dismemember me with suction power which was great untill she decides to start talking dirty. I can't rememeber exactly what she said but i sunddenly broke out in fits of laughter, i got a punch to the mouth bursting my lip and the silent treatment for the best part of a week

angry_bird

Gazlar

Hahahahaha

Absolutely brilliant, although probably not at the time...

Muttly1981

Just thinking the NutLube kid is very quite on this thread

spongtastic

Gazlar

That's class. I've done the same but with Percy. Thought christ that's one hell of a big squirty o from the lady. Woke up next morning and the bed looked like a slaughterhouse.

I looked like Jack the Ripper on an evening out at a nudist colony.

supersonic

I had been seeing this girl at uni for a while, and one night we got down to business. Of course I wanted to put on a good show, but after about ten seconds of being inside I could feel I was going to empty the spuds and was no going back. Realising this was embarassing I tried to hide it and carry on and amazingly she didn't notice! But the old chap was way to sensitive and it started to hurt - and started to go down. Realising this was going to be even more embarassing I held out as long as I could then faked it. Well 60 seconds was better than 10.

Muttly1981

supersonic wrote:

I had been seeing this girl at uni for a while, and one night we got down to business. Of course I wanted to put on a good show, but after about ten seconds of being inside I could feel I was going to empty the spuds and was no going back. Realising this was embarassing I tried to hide it and carry on and amazingly she didn't notice! But the old chap was way to sensitive and it started to hurt - and started to go down. Realising this was going to be even more embarassing I held out as long as I could then faked it. Well 60 seconds was better than 10.

The ex land lord of my local always used to tell the story about him doing the barmaid from behind on the cellar stairs, he got hungry half way through so pulled out spat on her back and told her he'd came. I remember him getting arrested at a local brothel whilst dressed as batman he was around 20 stone at the time lol

supersonic

Batman fetish suit hehe.

supersonic

Another time I was seeing this girl (MILF) and was staying at hers when we decided to have a bit of a morning session. We were banging away when I suddenly became aware of an extra body on the bed! Her 18 month old son had crept out of his room and was sat on the end of the bed watching, with a very distinct "what the hell you doing to my Mom?" look on his face. I froze, and she tried to shoo him away. But the sod has an obsession with nipples, so when she turned round he became more interested in playing with her tits. Eventually she dismounted, locked the grinning loon in his room and we carried on.

Muttly1981

Told my mate about this thread and the first thing he said was have you told the Amsterdam stories yet? But these can wait until tomorrow when I'm at the computer.

Richie63

thekickingmule wrote:

spongtastic wrote:

The first night at university is supposed to pave the way for the way you see yourself for the next three years. Luckily for me this proved to be wrong.

Ahhhhhh!

Wish someone had told me this before I started Uni. I never would have smoked that jizz pipe....

FTFY

Kaise

Muttly1981 wrote:

Told my mate about this thread and the first thing he said was have you told the Amsterdam stories yet? But these can wait until tomorrow when I'm at the computer.

i think thats called building suspense!

well here comes the epic one, the macclesfield story - not sure it will be as good as Gazlars but here we go....


I was 2yrs in to my apprenticeship and been with my first girlfriend for about a year, things werent going well and we broke up. That weekend i went out with the lads from work into macclesfield where we used to go to day release college. I drove the hour there with the sole intention of getting of my face and trying it on with as many ladies as possible. I was going full retard!

So its 6pm on a saturday night in late autumn and i have had 9 sidekick shots by this point, you know those horrible drinks in plastic shot glasses that taste like RON99. Anyway we get in to weather spoons and we skipped dinnner and hit the bar, a pint of Boddingtons and a JD chaser, recipe for disaster, about 8pm i was staggering round in my sh!t "arent i the bollo*ks" shirt from next generally making a mess of things, called my mate a cnut for trying to help me and then came the testosterone, i'm on the pull.

Anything that moved was getting the treatment and for some reason i dont know how i managed to convince a girl to come to the gents toilets upstairs and give me some lip service. I remember going upstairs i remember nothing else.......

The story from my mates goes like this,

About 10mins after i left she came running down the stairs and grabbed them, i'd passed out and hit my head on the toilet bowl, blood every where. I was out cold. They came up to find me on the floor looking like i'd had seven shades of shi*e kicked out of me, with my pants round my ankles and a semi.

The doormen had caught on to this and entered the toilet shortly after my mates, they didnt hesitate in picking me up and carrying me downstairs with my wanger out and dumped me outside.

The following morning is the only bit i rememeber and that is waking up in macclesfield a&e with 6 stitches in my head and the worst hangover in the world

FAIL

Muttly1981

Tbf the Amsterdam stories aren't that funny just tales of 30 lads on the piss doing what lads on the piss do in Amsterdam

GhallTN6

I think I've given up reading any other thread as this one is so Awesome... when is the book coming out

Anyway... when I were but a youngster of 17/18, home on leave, instead of sitting around the house for the weekend, I decided to go to with my parents to thier caravan in the crappiest site in the east of England.

Anyway, this place isn't exacly a hotspot for cool young women to hang about, so I proceed to get wasted on low cost, high content acohol (thunderbird rings a bell), and go to the club to get see what's about. anyway, as usual, it's a desperate place, and I end up talking to the only women over the age of concent that wasn't a grandma, anyway, to say she wasnt a looker was an understatement, but she was just as bored so we head to beach where it's dark (thank the lord), for some slap and tickle.

After a while when the sand starts to get into places it shoudn't, we head to her caravan, and just as I'm about to go through the door, I realise that my keys aren't in my pocked, so have to double time it back to the same beach spot and then back to the caravan (if only my pulling skills were as good as my directional ones). So after what must have been the worst sexual exprience of my life, the sex was crap and it turned out it was that time of month (nice girl), I give up and go back to my caravan.

I was devistated to realise that I'd left my watch at her caravan the next morning, and it was only that my brother saw her the next day that I got it back (ho how he laughed), there was no way I was going to go back into that club again, 20 years later I still shiver at the thought of what happened.. :shock:

VWsurfbum

Muttly1981 wrote:

Tbf the Amsterdam stories aren't that funny just tales of 30 lads on the wee-wee doing what lads on the wee-wee do in Amsterdam

Eat cake and visit the Van Gough museum?

Gazlar

VWsurfbum wrote:

Muttly1981 wrote:

Tbf the Amsterdam stories aren't that funny just tales of 30 lads on the wee-wee doing what lads on the wee-wee do in Amsterdam

Eat cake and visit the Van Gough museum?

Are you retarded, everyone knows that gys go to drink in the Browerij t'ij and then go to the Stedelijk Museum. 4 weeks Tuesday and I shall be off there for best part of a month!!!

VWsurfbum

Gazlar wrote:

VWsurfbum wrote:

Muttly1981 wrote:

Tbf the Amsterdam stories aren't that funny just tales of 30 lads on the wee-wee doing what lads on the wee-wee do in Amsterdam

Eat cake and visit the Van Gough museum?

Are you retarded, everyone knows that gys go to drink in the Browerij t'ij and then go to the Stedelijk Museum. 4 weeks Tuesday and I shall be off there for best part of a month!!!

My wife keeps nagging me to take her, but ive been too many times, and theres only so much time you spend there? A month??? your going to be even more retarted than you already are mr Derry.

GhallTN6

I went to Amsterdam, ultimate fail.. if there was a way to erase that memory I would have paid to have it done!!

Gazlar

VWsurfbum wrote:

Gazlar wrote:

VWsurfbum wrote:

Muttly1981 wrote:

Tbf the Amsterdam stories aren't that funny just tales of 30 lads on the wee-wee doing what lads on the wee-wee do in Amsterdam

Eat cake and visit the Van Gough museum?

Are you retarded, everyone knows that gys go to drink in the Browerij t'ij and then go to the Stedelijk Museum. 4 weeks Tuesday and I shall be off there for best part of a month!!!

My wife keeps nagging me to take her, but ive been too many times, and theres only so much time you spend there? A month??? your going to be even more retarted than you already are mr Derry.

Nope, because I get drug and alcohol tested at work, so no space cake for me, but I've been to the Dam a lot in the last few years and I just like it there. To be fair were travelling around a bit too staying in Rotterdam and the Scheveningen as well. I shall be muchly enjoying the dutch beers though and cakes with slagroom

Gazlar

Hang on a minute................RETARDED???

I suppose the secondary thought I've afforded this post does little to disprove that theory

ol\'gregg

I remember many years back I think i was about 20, I was friends with a student nurse. A load of us were out on an all dayer watching the rugby sat round a big table when my mate walks in with a few nurse friends.
Lots of alcohol consumed everything is going well, my friends start leaving i stay out with the nurses. We head of to another pub that for some reason had a giant jenga in the middlewith a few midgets playing it. Cue many shots and lots of secret talks with one of the nurses. Things were going well said nurse suggests we should go back to hers so we sink a few more shots and that's all i remember until I come to in a bus stop outside a porsche garage on north road in cardiff. A phone call to my brother at 1am who i was supposed to be staying with i notice cuts all over me and say 'i fell over' to which he replies 'where?' to which i say 'everywhere' he asks me why i wasn't doing the obvious with said nurse and i couldn't remember a thing.

That was until i saw my friend the weekend after and she told me how i was asked to leave the pub as there was a midget playing giant jenga and it had toppled onto him and i fell about laughing went through a table, then continued to tell the nurse i knew where she lived better than she did and walked off my own way (which was the opposite direction to where she lived) and told her to go f**k herself!! I never saw her again

welshkev

i have a fail but it wasn't me this time, here goes:

a mate of ours was living in ibiza for the summer, we'd been out there 3 or 4 times in 3 months so we got to know some of the people who worked in the bars and stuff. on a night out after several hours drinking a mate of mine got chatting to one of the girls who we'd got to know, lets call her 'anna'

she was quite pretty but a bit chunky, well my mate and anna were getting on well when her mate walked in and they all started chatting.....next thing we know all 3 of them leave the bar, with my mate giving a cheeky wink on the way out :shock:

about an hour later anna and her mate come back in without my mate, we ask where he is and they say that they were all in bed getting it on, they got as far as all kissing and having a bit of a fumble and my mate falls asleep on them.....they say "ah well, no problems, we finished each other off and came back here"

so my mate was fast asleep in bed as 2 girls fully lezzed up and got each other off next to him!!!

VWsurfbum

welshkev
and he's been kicking himself to sleep ever since i bet! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

kona_matt

welshkev

Probably best, he'd have only dissapointed them. How any man could last longer than 10 seconds in a threesome situation is beyond me.

Muttly1981

Ok time for the Amsterdam stories and although they aren't really dating fails they were bloody funny at the time

First night there we go out for a few drinks and i got chatting to a Latvian wench who's dad had a bar, many shots later i end up going back to her flat so i was in a great mood so after some kissing and groping she informs me that we need to be quick as her fella gets home from work at 2am and it was about 1.45am, say hello mr floppy. She told me i could still stay over on the couch but i thought best to gather my stuff and head back into dam.

Saturday night a group of about 8 of my mates decide 45 euros for a jump is too much so find a street hooker (big african woman) and after knocking her down to 25 euros they all have a go they all ended up with a dose of crabs.

One of my mates lets call him Dan (that's his name anyway) decided he would visit one of the windows so i told him i'd wait in the bar around the corner, about 20 minutes later he came in the bar with a disapointed look on his face. After all the excitment of finding a girl so lovely he got undressed and couldn't get it up.

Another one decided he'd take his watch off (never been able to understand why) in a brothel and forgot to pick it up after he'd finished. About 2 hours later he realised what he'd done so went back to see if it had been handed in (obviously no watches had been handed into to counter) whilst there he thought sod it i'll have another dabble.

My personal favorate though was a young lad who was a mate of a mate that was turning 18 while we were there so as a present we thought we'd treat him whilst doing a little window shopping. Anyone who has been to Dam knows to stay away from the blue lights so were pointing out oe or two and asked which one he fancied so after 30 minutes or so he decides on one so one of the mates goes over to arrange it for him as he was very shy. He went into the doorway and about 15 minutes later he came back out looking white as a ghost, for the next few days we kept asking what was up but wouldn't tell us what had happend untill we were in the airport coming home when we asked him one more time what had happend "I went in and already had a hard on, we were kissing and i was having a squeeze of the tits and i slowly got undressed then next thing i know she flops out a cock and tells me to suck, i was out like a shot"

So that was the tale of Amsterdam

Gazlar

Drat the blue light trick is one I played on a mate of my bro's unfortunately as it no turns out he was a closet homo but one obsessed with a good pair of tattybojangles it was a win win situation for him

getonyourbike

This thread is awesome! Funniest thing I've read on here for a while, thank you Gaz.