Gazlar's Dating Disasters

Gazlar
Gazlar Posts: 8,084
edited June 2016 in The Crudcatcher
There are many threads from habitual singletons on here asking for advice and guidance on how to bag themself a top partner, but dating is not so simple. I thought what better place to discuss the pitfalls and bad experiences of "seeing someone" on this very forum, on a thread hosted by your resident "Love God", yes me Gazlar.

I want to hear about you Loves and losses, your disastrous attempts to woo, your impotence and the locations of any bodies you've buried in an open and frank symposium which will entertain and enlighten everyone.

So to start, a story of a time when I was a younger man. I had met a girl via the powers of the internet in a chatroom and we had talked for a good 12 months as friends. Circumstance meant we both ended up single around the same time and with her living not too far away in Solihull we resolved to go on a date. Anyway things went well and we were approaching a year together, so I thought what better way to mark the occasion than to send her flowers at her workplace, a perfume counter in a busy department store. Because I was busy and her workplace was several miles away, I decide to ring a local florists and place an order, which I did, using my limited knowledge of floral arrangements and flowers, dictated a message for the card, paid using my switch card (other debit cards are available) and thought no more of it.

Anyway the day came and around midday I recieved a text, I thought "great she's had her flowers, i'm going to be in for some tonight". I opened the text to find it saying "You think thats funny do you? You're a pr1ck, just go and get your stuff, I never want to see you again!" I was confused by this and tried to ring, no answer, then a text saying "I've told you I don't want to talk to you" so I went to the house and waited. She arrived back from work and went mental at me, I had it seems managed to order a funeral wreath in the shape of her name, with a card stating my love for her, but also printed with "In Loving Memory". I explained that it was obviously amistake, but to no avail, that was the last time I ever saw her as she was mortified b the whole event.

Ah well she were a Beehatch anyway.

So what disasters, balls ups and boo boos have you had or made?
Mountain biking is like sex.......more fun when someone else is getting hurt
Amy
Farnsworth
Zapp
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Comments

  • GhallTN6
    GhallTN6 Posts: 505
    thanks for the tip, it's about time I bought flowers for the wife :twisted:
  • welshkev
    welshkev Posts: 9,690
    i once went on a date to the cinema with a girl, all went well, the film was ok (i can't remember what itr was now so it can't have been great) but when i cam out my car had gone!

    i assumed it'd been nicked and had to call the police, place a report etc and then proceed to walk home with said girl...embarrassing enough.

    but as we got close to her house, i hear a beep of the horn and turned around to see my mate driving my car...he thought it'd be funny to 'hide' my car (i forgot he had the spare key) :x

    she then proceeded to go mental, saying "do you think this sort of thing is funny?" - well no i've just spent ages with the police etc!!!! but she had none of it, stormed off and i never went out with her again...she was hot aswell :(
  • .blitz
    .blitz Posts: 6,197
    that's funny that is Gaz :lol:
  • Kaise
    Kaise Posts: 2,498
    The disasters of dating, a subject i know all too well.

    A tale from a lace no more than 5 miles from where i am say, not too long ago...........

    I had moved to bristol in March 2005 and proceeded to build up a good bunch of friends and a few friends that had certain benefits of the necessary variance, one of them now my fiancee. Prior to us actually setting up in a "normal relationship" we went through a period of non-mutual exculsivity that can only be described as stressful and not the greatest days of my life, but there are a few gems that occured during this that need to aired on these hallowed crudite grounds.

    The stories written in this thread have been broken up slightly as not to be "all guns blazing" and drip feed my humiliation.

    It was a friday night in october and i had just moved into a flat right next to the furnace of nightlife in bristol, the triangle, this area is awash with drunk easy girls, classy girls, students, guys and girls with too much money and normal people every single weekend.

    I had all the lads round mine before we headed out, they brought with them a select range of female friends. The drinks were flowing and the time soon reached 12pm and it was time to hit the clubs.

    Anyway we got in the club and i meet a friend of one of the girls that had been at my flat earlier, in my haze she was alright, which means she was rough, but as it was probably between 1.30 and 2am i was willing to go ugly early and get me some.

    We two of use traded shots and drinks before i made my move and she took my hand and walked me out of the basement dirt hole, crossed the road and straight to my flat. In the throws of passion and getting down to business she told me she liked it rough and thought i'd like it to, and from nowhere, BAM she slaps me full force across the face, and not even in a playful way. At this point my ship is at the port waiting to dock, and i'm drunk and confused and i didnt like that rough stuff without any priming.

    So i have two options, carry on and hope she stops the beating she was about to unleash on me or go with option b. I stood up, shouted "get the fark out of my flat you wench" or something to that effect. She was dumb struck, not a word passed her lips as she got dressed.

    As the door clicked shut and she walked out i sat with a beer in my hand and decided to to back out. I strolled out hoping she hadnt returned to the club, but as i walked in, passed the bouncers there she was at the bottom explaining to her mates what had happened. She told them exactly what had happened, at which point her mate came over and apologised to me about thier mental mate!

    EDIT: I got no bump and grind that night!
  • Pudseyp
    Pudseyp Posts: 3,514
    I remember years ago a slightly embarasing story......

    I met a girl via a friend and had spoken with her on the phone a few times, she was a bit of a looker with a great rack so asked her out for a date...we had a few drinks and all went well so agreed to meet her the folowing night. I called for her and found out her parents were going out for the afternoon ( :wink: )....so after some chat they eventualy left....so I pounced like a tiger....nuzzling her neck I went for a bit of boob...she smiled so decided to head north.....I inserted a few didgets and undid my flys....she took my obvious in her moist mouth and started nodding...then I heard the back door go and heard her dad shout "forgot your nan's card"

    Panic hit me...I zipped up my fly only to trap a good bit of her golden locks in my zip to which I could not undo...so basically I ripped her hair out just as the door opened....her dad stood there looking at us she had her lipstick smeared all over her face, I was as red as a beatroot...two fingers glistening with a clod of golden hair sticking out my zip....

    I remembered looking at him and saying...have you found the card or are you staying for a brew...he was not ammused, but I continued boning his daughter untill I met a pole dancer on a night out some 6 months later
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • thekickingmule
    thekickingmule Posts: 7,957
    This thread is epic!

    I don't have many tales with womans sadly, I'm not the luckiest of men.

    I went on a date last year with a rather hot girl (this came about as she'd had a photo shoot for a present, and posted the results on facebook. My mate saw them and wrote on my wall "If you don't ask her on a date, you're gay" so I did, and she obliged).

    Anyway, the date went well, we had a meal, and talked to the point we were the last in the restraunt. I paid (because I'm that kinda guy ;) ) and all was well. She even agreed to a second date.

    The week before we were going to meet for the second date, my boss anounced that she had got me a Job Evaluation next Wednesday. I told her that I was off that day but I either had the JE then, or waited another month. Well, I cancelled the date, got the JE, and then ended up so feckin busy, I couldn't find time to meet my date (She worked weekends and had days off in the week). She's now going out with someone else, and I'm still Mr. Single (Seriously, it's be TOO long now *sigh*)

    That's as exciting as I can get I think
    It takes as much courage to have tried and failed as it does to have tried and succeeded.
    Join us on UK-MTB we won't bite, but bring cake!
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  • Gazlar
    Gazlar Posts: 8,084
    edited June 2011
    Another incident was when I was seeing a married Lady, she had married fairly young and realised she still wanted to have fun, and boy was she wild, she liked sex wherever she could get it, in fact she was to much to handle at times in more than one way (40GG). Anyway one icy winters night she said, I want you to do me on the bonnet of your car, so off we went up to the countryside, with her noshing me off on the way up there.

    We found a quiet lane and parked up and proceeded to polish the bonnet withher tattybojangles. As I was hitting the vinegar strokes suddenly she tensed up, really strongly and shrieked. There was a guy walking up the road with his dogs, but I was then past the point of no return, buoyed not only by the excitement, but also the sudden tight clamping around my old spam javelin. She yelled, "well do something" at which point all I could think of to do way smaile, wave and say "evening"
    Mountain biking is like sex.......more fun when someone else is getting hurt
    Amy
    Farnsworth
    Zapp
  • Kaise
    Kaise Posts: 2,498
    About 8 months after my last story i met up with a girl with whom i'd be sharing the delights of my bedroom with, it was sunny and we decided to break onto the roof terrace of my building. We were up there sunbathing and generally having a nice sunday afternoon with a few ciders when my hand wandered and so did hers.

    this continued for a while and then embroiled in the throws of passion there we were in the roof of my build, i was conkers deep and then we heard the terrace door click. i look up to see a resident of the top floor, watering can in hand, tending to her tomato plants.

    The girls i was tending to panicked, picked up the picnic rug we had been lay on and ran for the door leaving me, meet and two veg for the world to see and this woman looking straight at me. I jumped up, zipped up and grab my t-shirt, all the while the lady is strolling towards me.

    "people in those offices can see you, you know that dont you"

    is all all she said as i was bright red, emabressed by the experience.

    I see Mrs Lewis in the shop every week, she always says hello, i would have let her tend to my plums if she had asked (MILF)
  • spongtastic
    spongtastic Posts: 2,651
    Well. Hmmm. A few.....

    Banging the f**k out of a girl I met at Rock City in Nottingham, she decides that in my drunken state I need some 'encouragement' so decides to do the old nodding dog routine - all very well until her mum wakes up and walks in the door. She clamps shut on the old john thomas. The added bonus that as a bit of a goth she had false canines in. Try explaining those wounds to A&E.

    Another one stood on the doorstep having a good old rumage around some birds knickers and a face full of tit when her mum and dad get back from a night out. With my parents.

    Screwing some bird on the cricket square on the field round the back of Essex Police headquarters, when suddenly there's headlights illuminating the old sturrip pump and then flashing blues. Turns out Daddy was the policeman on duty.
    Visit Clacton during the School holidays - it's like a never ending freak show.

    Who are you calling inbred?
  • Met a girl who was very good friends with an Ex (from 5/6 years previous) of mine. We'd been together for a couple of months and one Sunny day up Cannock Chase with the Vino flowing and the pair of em lezzed up like good uns. It was wicked to watch and as it got a bit 'moist' they wanted me to join in. Who was i to turn it down.....2 days later, I was single again
    Turns out she didnt like me porking my Ex again....even though she'd been sat on her face while i was pumping away. Women ey!!!

    About a year or so after i saw the original Ex mrs and she told me that when it was all goin on, she was desperate to get back with me. Her plan had failed but she still says hello with a little twinkle in her eye when i see her now.
    4 wheels bad
    2 wheels good
    1 wheel for fun
  • cat_with_no_tail
    cat_with_no_tail Posts: 12,981
    I'd been going out with one girl for a few months, and we went to a birthday party for one of her family members at a local rugby club. All was going well, the beer was flowing and everyone was having a lovely time. It wasn't the most well-lit of places though.
    Anyway, I leave the lady in question at our table and go off for a slash. When I'm done I return to the table and sneak up on her. I kiss her neck and reach round the front for a sneaky grope of minge (being the classy guy I am). Waaaaaaay too late, I realize it's not actually her, but her sister.
    Surprsingly enough, they both took it in quite good humour.

    Another time I somehow managed to convince 2 burds to come back to mine for a threesome.
    Unfortunately though, I was young and foolish and didn't hold my drink as well as I hoped. Sat on my sofa, things were just starting to get quite intersting when.........I threw up on one of them.
    Needless to say they both left pretty quickly.

    There are more, but none that I'm willing to share with you losers.
  • I worry to think about the times the drink has spoilt what would be considered to be rather good conquests!
    4 wheels bad
    2 wheels good
    1 wheel for fun
  • cat_with_no_tail
    cat_with_no_tail Posts: 12,981
    These 2 were proper dirty Morley burds too. The hardiest of all slappers. I was surprised they didn't just carry on.

    Anyone from the W.Yorks area remember Club Barcelona? If so, you'll know what I mean.

    :lol:
  • Had two ladies in the back of the car when me and me best mate were 'yoofs'. Seing a boost bar being used as a dildo was great fun, especially when the one girl ate it afterwards. Well it is chocolate!

    Anyway, after the delightful toying ended we paired off and was just my luck to get the bird who only gives blowjobs. my mate nailed the fuck out of this other bird who i could hear screaming and shouting the whole time, while I got a rather average blowjob.

    Turns out though the other bird loves to be vocal though as i got to have my turn a few nights after. I wish i was 17/18 again.
    4 wheels bad
    2 wheels good
    1 wheel for fun
  • GhallTN6
    GhallTN6 Posts: 505
    Way way back, I was in Plymouth and started seeing this girl who I went to school with, she was attending Uni at Sheffield, so on the Friday I had to get up to my parents house for some reason (North Lincolnshire), then Saturday I got a lift with a friend to Sheffield and Met this lass, who to be honest, I was only seeing because she had the body of an goddess.

    We had a decent day (or I cant remember it being bad), and then went back to her place and started to do what kids do, but even though she was coming on strong and screaming like a force 10 hurricane, she'd stop me getting anywhere near her bits..

    So after a few more no.. we need to get to know each other better comments, I called it a day and headed for the train station back to my parents house, abruptly fell asleep on the train destined for Cleethorpes, after getting off the train at at station in the middle of the night, and in the middle of nowhere I made it to the Motorway as this was the only way I knew back to the nearest town where I lived.

    Anyway, to cut it short, I made it back to Plymouth, with a Police caution for walking on a motorway, skint because of the travel (and the day taking her out), sexually frustrated.. and without a girlfriend as I wasn't prepared to go all the bay back to Sheffield and not get any action.
  • Kaise
    Kaise Posts: 2,498
    i thought this was the disasters thread - not the bragging rights thread!?
  • I've never had a dating disaster :(
    Bianchi. There are no alternatives only compromises!
    I RIDE A KONA CADABRA -would you like to come and have a play with my magic link?
  • foxc_uk
    foxc_uk Posts: 1,292
    Never had any disasters. And certainly nothing to brag about.

    Pre-2011 - Meet boy, boy becomes boyfriend. Have teh sexytimes and hang out. one or the other of us gets bored/crazy/finds someone else. Part company.
    Repeat, many many times.

    2011 - go on POF/out on the town. Go on dates. Usually not make it past 1st date.
    Repeat. Many many times.

    This in itself is a dating disaster.
  • VWsurfbum
    VWsurfbum Posts: 7,881
    When i was 18 i went on a spanish holiday with my then girlfriends family, being a good catholic girl that she wasnt we used condoms all the time, now when holidaying in spain in octomber, its going to rain, and rain it did, our appartment got flooded and myself and GF were out when it all happened.
    When we returned to the appartment i was met by a axe whelding maniac (her dad) who in his helpfulness thought that he would start drying out her lovely inocent daughters and her boyfriends suitcases.
    Obviously when he opened mine i had enough condoms for the entire english army to use on a weekend free in blackpool!.
    I dunno what i was thinking when i packed the case, but her dad sure as hell didnt like the idea that his daughter went like a steam train about to boil over!
    I didnt get any more that holiday as i was banished to a single bed in a room far away from said daughter.
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • Oh actually could you call nearly getting off with a phillipino lady boy a dating disaster?
    If so I've had one :lol:
    Bianchi. There are no alternatives only compromises!
    I RIDE A KONA CADABRA -would you like to come and have a play with my magic link?
  • Ryan Jones
    Ryan Jones Posts: 775
    I remember going over this birds house for some of the old one-two and her friends showed up, so me being the smart as I am decide to go up to her room and leave a rober sleeve under her pillow as a hint for next time. Of course she was a slobby cow who's mother came and made the bed for her, I never got any more off that one :cry:
  • supersonic
    supersonic Posts: 82,708
    I was seeing the girl in the US a few years ago. She came to the UK to stay with for a while. All was going well until her HUSBAND phoned the landline and threatened to kill me! Now would have been nice if she had told me she was still married...
  • Pudseyp
    Pudseyp Posts: 3,514
    supersonic wrote:
    I was seeing the girl in the US a few years ago. She came to the UK to stay with for a while. All was going well until her HUSBAND phoned the landline and threatened to kill me! Now would have been nice if she had told me she was still married...

    How did he have your number also ?? were you two timing him ?
    Tomac Synper 140 Giant XTC Alliance 1
    If the world was flat, I wouldn't be riding !
  • supersonic
    supersonic Posts: 82,708
    Found it on her computer at their house.
  • Muttly1981
    Muttly1981 Posts: 815
    Not sure if i'd call it a disaster but pulled on a thursday night out and she came back to mine for some action (the front room floor seemed a good idea), me being the pi$$head i was that time was hammered and fell asleep on the job. It couldn't have been my greatest performance as she also fell asleep not long after. I awoke in the morning with a sheet over us both still naked and my dad just unocking the door to go to work :oops: I didn't see her again but my dad did tell me if i saw her again to tell her that she had a cracking pair of tits :lol:
    What if your dreams and fears existed in the same place? What if to get to heaven, you had to brave hell? What if everything you've ever wanted cost you everything you've ever achieved? Would you still go there?
  • kona_matt
    kona_matt Posts: 475
    this thread is amazing :lol:

    I had a year working in leicester that threw up a few good bragging stories but here's one of the disasters:

    I'd been seeing this burd I met via the internet (now there's a bragging story for another time) but was getting a bit bored of her and started keeping an eye out for someone else. On a night out to celebrate said girl's sister's 21st, I spied an amazing red head working behind the bar. With a soft spot (or hard spot if you get my drift) for red heads and all the confidence that comes with already having a guarenteed bunk up for the night, I walk straight to the bar and ask for a pint of lager and the red head's number. It only bloody worked!

    So I call her in a few days and arrange a date. The day arrives and everything is going very nicely, she's got a right twinkle in her eye and I can tell she's keen. Get to last orders and she asks me where we're going next. I say "back to my place so that I can fark your brains out." She's a bit taken aback but she says OK and we end up at my place and start getting to business.

    This is where the disaster starts. She's fine with kissing but as soon as I touch her anywhere remotely sexy, she tenses up. Strange, but maybe she's just shy. Anyway, we're now down to our undies and I have to ask her what the problem is. She says this is only her second time and her first time she was raped! :shock: Say hello to mr floppy!

    She said she really wanted to and was just nervous but there's no way I could have could have carried on after that bombshell. She left and we said we'd go out again but I subsequently made excuses along the lines of "you should really find someone more suitable to help you through this than dirty bugger like me"
    FCN 9 - 2008 Kona Cinder Cone
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  • Stevo_666
    Stevo_666 Posts: 57,800
    edited June 2011
    I reckon my worst dating disaster was my first ever sh@g :D

    There was a fit girl who we knew was up for it as she used to bang a lad we knew very enthusiastically. So I asked her out, got lucky on the first night and was feeling very pleased with myself until I pulled out and saw the frikkin' condom had split :shock: (I put that one down to my manly and energetic technique). There was an awkward silence as we both pulled our school uniforms back on, followed by a tense couple of weeks until I finally heard that she wasn't up the duff. Oddly she didn't want to see me again...
    "I spent most of my money on birds, booze and fast cars: the rest of it I just squandered." [George Best]
  • Muttly1981
    Muttly1981 Posts: 815
    Stevo 666 wrote:
    I reckon my worst dating disaster was my first ever sh@g :D

    There was a fit girl who we knew was up for it as she used to bang a lad we knew very enthusiastically. So I asked her out, got lucky on the first night and was feeling very pleased with myself until I pulled out and saw the frikkin' condom had split :shock: (I put that one down to my manly and energetic technique). There was an awkward silence as we both pulled our school uniforms back on, followed by a tense couple of weeks until I finally heard that she wasn't up the duff. Oddly she didn't want to see me again...

    Could have been worse you could have gone bareback and found a condom :wink:
    What if your dreams and fears existed in the same place? What if to get to heaven, you had to brave hell? What if everything you've ever wanted cost you everything you've ever achieved? Would you still go there?
  • VWsurfbum
    VWsurfbum Posts: 7,881
    Another occasion.
    I used to be a barman to get some extra cash in after my proper job. I was seeing one of the waitresses there and often went back to hers in the early hours after my shift had ended. 1 saturday night we all stayed behind and had a few drinks, got a lift back to hers and Q lots of loud banging and screaming which woke up her parents. :wink: ok not too bad, but with the sudden ending of the session "something" went wrong and ended up with blood everywhere!
    We then had to ask for a lift to the local hospital from said parents (who we'd just woken up) to be cleaned up and checked out.
    :oops:
    Awkward car journey to say the least.
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty
  • VWsurfbum
    VWsurfbum Posts: 7,881
    Muttly1981 wrote:
    Stevo 666 wrote:
    I reckon my worst dating disaster was my first ever sh@g :D

    There was a fit girl who we knew was up for it as she used to bang a lad we knew very enthusiastically. So I asked her out, got lucky on the first night and was feeling very pleased with myself until I pulled out and saw the frikkin' condom had split :shock: (I put that one down to my manly and energetic technique). There was an awkward silence as we both pulled our school uniforms back on, followed by a tense couple of weeks until I finally heard that she wasn't up the duff. Oddly she didn't want to see me again...

    Could have been worse you could have gone bareback and found a condom :wink:
    i did it the other way round and lost one in there pissed up, thought nothing of it until the phone call the next morning :shock:
    Kazza the Tranny
    Now for sale Fatty