Gazlar's Dating Disasters

supersonic

I was once balls deep in said US girl when suddenly the bedroom door opened and my brother walked in! He said "don't mind me, I am just getting that DVD you borrowed".

Stevo_666

Muttly1981 wrote:

Could have been worse you could have gone bareback and found a condom

Given her rep that was a possibility....

Suppose I should have been glad to screw a girl who was wearing a school uniform without being asked to, haven't managed that for quite a while :P

Muttly1981

VWsurfbum wrote:

Another occasion.
I used to be a barman to get some extra cash in after my proper job. I was seeing one of the waitresses there and often went back to hers in the early hours after my shift had ended. 1 saturday night we all stayed behind and had a few drinks, got a lift back to hers and Q lots of loud banging and screaming which woke up her parents. ok not too bad, but with the sudden ending of the session "something" went wrong and ended up with blood everywhere!
We then had to ask for a lift to the local hospital from said parents (who we'd just woken up) to be cleaned up and checked out.
:oops:
Awkward car journey to say the least.

One of the lads at work snapped his banjo string a few months back whilst banging his missus, he had to go and wake his mum and dad to see if they could help stop the bleeding


That reminds me of another girl i was seeing who had braces, one night she was playing the pink oboe and i felt a bit of a nick from her braces but didn't think anything aout it until the morning after when she smiled and i saw a litle piece of skin hanging in her brace :oops:

welshkev

[quote="Muttly1981
One of the lads at work snapped his banjo string a few months back whilst banging his missus, he had to go and wake his mum and dad to see if they could help stop the bleeding
:[/quote]

when i moved to tenerife my brother in law went out there the week before us with his gf, we got to the airport and he was supposed to be meeting us there but wasn't around..tried calling and no answer....we got a taxi.

turns out he'd been banging his gf on a plastic patio table and it'd broken whilst he was on top of her....cue them bothe falling to the ground with him inside her and him snapping his banjp skin and blood everywhere...he was at the hospital...

Gazlar

A lot of Banjoing going on heer, which seems to have left a fair few rednecks!

A few years ago I went to watch Walsall play Hednesford town in a pre season friendly. Walsall had just signed Paul Merson and my bro was on the bench for Hednesford, so my mum and step-dad went too. At the game a guy wandered over and my dad said, you remember my cousin Steve dont you? And hisdaughter Kerry? You used to play together at your nan's. Ah yeah I replied and when people wandered off later, both me and her nervously asked, were, were you in Blast Off about 18 months ago? yeah, oh err well this is awkward. Turns out I'd managed to pull my (step)2nd cousin and took her outside to play piano on her pink keyboard :shock:

kona_matt

Gazlar wrote:

Turns out I'd managed to pull my (step)2nd cousin and took her outside to play piano on her pink keyboard :shock:

nothing wrong with that Gaz, completely legal I believe, you could have married her of you wanted to. In certain parts of the country that's common practice

angry_bird

I was seeing a girl back around christmas time, anyway, one night a got dragged out to a club, got completely hammered and ended up getting with one of the girls in the year above... (girl b) now I was properly properly off my face, most of my memory of the night comes from other peoples accounts but apparently we were all over eachother must of the night. Anyway we left about 2 and were heading back to hers when I think I must have started to come to my senses and sobered up a bit. I remember thinking ...what the fuck am I doing, she's not even that fit anyway, and she's not blonde either... fortunately I manage to escape it going any further, thank god.

Anyway, the a few nights later I was out with girl someone thought it would be a good idea to come upto me and remind me of my activities previously in the week. Fortunately I managed to smooth that one over.

So a couple of nights later I go off on hockey tour to Brussels, get very drunk the first night, second night get quite drunk and meet an English girl, who was doing an internship in Germany somewhere, anyway she over there with some friends. We got chatting, I took her to another bar that wasn't full of the hockey team, one thing led to another and we headed back to her hotel.

So a few hours later the people she was sharing a room with get back and I leave, it was fair enough, I was perfectly happy thinking I'd got away with it. Get back to the hotel we were staying in around 4ish, get into the nearest bed I can find. Wake up in the morning to find out I'd been seen going back to the hotel with her...

Anyway news travels fast, I didn't manage to talk my way out of that one when we got back...

Muttly1981

kona_matt wrote:

Gazlar wrote:

Turns out I'd managed to pull my (step)2nd cousin and took her outside to play piano on her pink keyboard :shock:

nothing wrong with that Gaz, completely legal I believe, you could have married her of you wanted to.In certain parts of the country that's common practice

The midlands [/b]

spongtastic

Remembered my worst 'dating' disaster last night.

Both myself and a female work colleague had been playing tongue tennis for months, and for the works Christmas party we had the chance to 'borrow' a flat in Docklands usually meant for foreign staff to use.

The evening started well, wine & a bit of a fumble, then we headed off to the party. The meal was late, and I got so hammered I fell asleep in the toilets, woke up at 2am, realised I had the key. There was a 45 minute pissed voicemail message. I managed to get back to the flat, stripped off and promptly threw up all over her rather large tits. Cue screaming, shouting and lots of abuse. I left the job shortly after.

VWsurfbum

spongtastic
Well done sir! LOL that made me chuckle. Proper fail!

Gazlar

The first time I stayed over at Mrs G's mums, and also the first time I met her mum or her sister, we went out for a few drinks with her friends from back home, obviously as it was a friday night, a few drinks turned into many drinks.

Well momma G's house is an odd layout, with a lower ground floor, bedrooms on the ground floor and downstairs upstairs with the bathroom up there too. In my less than orthodox state I got lost and confused so headed in the direction I would have headed to the toilet back home, unable to find the lights I just continued to se the toilet in the dark, no need for light, I'm a man. Suddenly the lights came on and in strode Mrs G behind me, I then turned round again to see her sister lying in bed, rudely awoken and somewhat confused by the sight of her sisters new boyfriend urinating into her waste paper bin

VWsurfbum

on a simular note, while living in shared accomodation back down in Newquay, i used to see a well known Nympho, who was quite vocal and very much a user of all of the many narcotics available in said town.
great fun was had because you could do what ever you liked and she loved it.
after one extremely noisey session she got up and went to the lav, but it wasnt the lav, it was my landlady's bedroom, the only plus side of me having to find somewhere new to live was watching two fit naked chicks shout it out in the hallway. 8)

bluechair84

Gazlar wrote:

Suddenly the lights came on and in strode Mrs G behind me, I then turned round again to see her sister lying in bed, rudely awoken and somewhat confused by the sight of her sisters new boyfriend urinating into her waste paper bin

This is what this thread is for

No interesting stories of me, only others :roll:
I did cause an accident having it in the bushes when a motorbike illegally using the footpaths raced by, cottoned on to what we were doing and found himself in a hedge 100yards on from us

GhallTN6

Was in Rhodes with the lads, was well chuffed that I'd managed to pull this lovely little German bird, we were getting on really well (she spoke english), but when I came back from the toilet, she'd dissapeared back to her mates and was not in the least interested.. one of my so called mates thought it was a great idea to tell her I had supposadly got an STD.. not happy!

Gazlar

Ahh mates and their ways of ruining it for you.

I had my rules exam to become a train driver coming up, along with my mate at work, we've always been considered a double act at work so we were a nightmare in class, anyway after the boredom of 4 weeks learning we went out on the razz to celebrate the end of the bookworming . Anyway I met a girl, surprise surprise in Blast Off in Wolves (see the cousin post and I also met Mrs G in there) she was with her similarly chunky mate too, anyway we went back to their flat and it went pretty well, If fact its fair to say I was on good form. The next morning though her mate popped her head in and asked her mate for a word.

Not only had my mate (jokingly supposedly) tried to smother her with a pillow in the middle of a fingering session, the next morning, he had got up, wiped their whiteboard of important information, such as the name of her anti-depressants,the alarm code, dr's appointments and written me a list of ten revision questions about things like temporary block working and single line working in the wrong direction with a pilotman

VWsurfbum

While on a very drunken weekend in Reading, we lost our mate who we was meant to be staying with, All our stuff was back at his, including car keys clothes etc etc, So the was only one thing for it, Pull a pig! Lucky/Unlucky i lost and my mate pulled this right fat ginger rotter, luckily she had a mate and a spare room. Q 3 blokes shareing a room with said mate and listening to my mate having to go through with the deal and taking one for the team so we had somewhwere to stay the night!
thats what mates are for! and we never let him forget it. He didnt burn his arse on the light bulb for nothing!

t0pc4t

ahh blast off, those were the days!

Gazlar

I had to endure the sound of a 30 year old mate try it on with an 18 year old girl last year, his line was a whiney "I need a cuddle" This was after I'd dossed down on an airbed in the same room. as it was 6am and I'd had much mars bar vodka, I upped and left, appaled by the patheticness, and instead went and got a big eff off breakfast at MTFUed my way through lack of sleep and too much booze

spongtastic

Mr Floppy comes to town - another uni fail.

The well known all day Nottingham pub crawl where you have to drink half a pint in each pub (and IIRC there were over 40 pubs included) saw me again completely plastered, and managing to get an invite back from one of the mature (she was late 20's, I'm a 18year old geek into music) students on our course.

Good god she was fit. Good god I wanted to. Good god I couldn't despite as much 'assistance' as she could give.

VWsurfbum

Ok here's my worst mover ever!

When i moved away, i would oftern drive back up to essex for a night out, this particular night i had got back without telling anyone i was coming because they are always out i thought!
I went to all the usual haunts, having a pint in each, not finding anyone, move on to the next, have another pint and so on and so on, until I get to the pub where my brother used to hang out, fulll of Rock chicks and goths etc, by this time i was getting desperate and lonely thinking. Shoot i have nowhere to stay, i thought this is it, last chance saloon.
So i set my target high! anyone who looks like there past it and or they are easy will do!.
My luck was in, as soon as i walk through the door there was a half naked indian chick with pink hair and a wondering plastic eye "pinky" I thought, thats it i have my ticket!
As with all these things its not so simple, we had to walk for about 4 miles to get back to hers (now sobering up) i had to go through with the process (more persuesion needed) and explain to one of my brothers mates why i was at her flat, and what the hell i was about to do with pinky!
To make the matters worse in the morning she wanted a replay. as much as i like a morning fumble, trying to play ball with a one eyed, pink haired munter it just wearnt happening. this lead to both her and her flat mate laughing in the other room while i was trying to escape.

Oh and to add insult to injury, while i turned her around so i didnt have to look at her face while doing the deed, i noticed the long back hair going all the way from her crack to the neck. *shudders*

Kaise

i rememeber a rugby night out in manchester and ending out koping off with a girl who seemed hot in the dark light of 5th ave and heading back to her house. After a bit of tongue swapping we went to bed and a great night was had. In the morning though i woke out and she wanted some more so i obliged and went back in the stench trench and whilst this was occuring i hadnt noticed her dog on the bed, which then promptly licked my testes.

At this point i stopped and then left, l;eaving a false name and number


end of the story right.......wrong


My mate sam is a little sh*te some times and thought it was funny to ensure the next time we saw said woman in 5th ave or 42nd street to give her my real number. Cue abuse central, i mean really bad, 27 texts without me replying to a single one. I apparently was a heartless fark who was after one thing. Now this i agree with at the time i was afetr one thing, i do seem to remember she invited me back to hers on the first night and after a fair amount of Vodka Redbull and Cheeky Vimto!

Gazlar

see now this is where you guys have an advantage over me........standards, well at least retrospective ones, I on the other hand was like a lion that saw a wounded impala......easy pickings, and probably a very pleasant girl, until I saw Mrs G, sad as it sounds she was just perfect, but that wasnt without a bit of hard work. (In Blast Off again, jeez did I ever go anywhere else?)

I was out with my lezza mate and I saw her and said to my mate, thats her, she's just, just, I was actually lost for words. So anna my mate said leave it to me, i'll sort it before I could say no, thats such a douche thing she was off. A bit of pointing and such later she wandered back and said, "bad luck shes from the isle of lesbos too" I said " damn I can normally pick them, but not her, I mean her mate in the pink hat you were talking to, definate dyke but......" Anna interupted "Oh I thought you liked the one in the pink hat, she is the lezza, hang on" and goes off and natters again. In this time I thought sod this, it looks like I'm working my way through, so I went and chatted to her and pointed out the situation and we hit it off, 7 years later and shes still that perfect girl.

Right I know thats dating win, but with a bit of almost fail, to make up for it, when my hnds have warmed up from rolling meatballs, I'll tell ya what happened in Bolton.

You may want Popcorn!

Stevo_666

kaiser83 wrote:

whilst this was occuring i hadnt noticed her dog on the bed, which then promptly licked my testes.

Just as well the mutt wasn't hungry.

VWsurfbum

Gazlar wrote:

I'll tell ya what happened in Bolton.

The Bolton story :shock: but i thought this was just myth and Legend?

Kaise

hnds have warmed up from rolling meatballs

rolling meatballs hey, so thats what they are calling it up your way!

spongtastic

Ok another one whilst waiting for the mythical 'Bolton' Story.

Again another univeristy one, first night nerves.

The first night at university is supposed to pave the way for the way you see yourself for the next three years. Luckily for me this proved to be wrong.

The whole event couldn't have been worse. Didn't get drunk, didn't find some fit hot, willing young lady with which to get my jollies. No, instead I left it too late and managed to pull the dross left floating around the uni bar. Some troll that looked like Ruth Goodman from the BBC Victorian Farm series who gave me a black eye as soon as I touched her tit.

GhallTN6

I remember when I met my lass/now wife, having had a dry spell for ages, I manage to pull her, but was so instanly loved up, a week later I turned down the girl next door (who was hot) who'd just split up with her boyfriend , and a girl who just started to talk to me later in another pub, who was from Birlin (and was hot), (not the german girl from my Rhodes trip), now I look back and think.. why did I do that, it's not like I was married, or even going out officially with my now wife... donut!

thekickingmule

spongtastic wrote:

The first night at university is supposed to pave the way for the way you see yourself for the next three years. Luckily for me this proved to be wrong.

Ahhhhhh!

Wish someone had told me this before I started Uni. I never would have smoked that jazz cigarette....

spongtastic

This is getting embarassing now.

Another PC Plod moment - recounted to me after the event and frequently over the years after because I can't remember most of it.

A brief history of the location is required - a pub called the Prince of Orange, in Chelmsford Essex. Notorious for about 5 years for underage drinking, drugs and violence toward members of the police trying to remove said drugs. This only ever went on in the upstairs bar, never the ground. Only hard b**stards went upstairs.

Cue a return back to 1989, 6ft, pony tailed 14 year old me who's just seriously getting into music has just left a nearby venue, and proceeds to the top floor nearly shi**ing it through fear. Girl at the bar, who I know from school is also only 16 decides to start talking to me. I keep drinking (by now you've probably realised why I don't drink alot anymore) in order to fit in and calm down. One of the older girls with the 16 year old comes over, shoves her tongue down my throat and latches on like a leech and grabs the front of my trousers. After 10 minutes I'm not sure whether to come in my pants or throw up. So I do both one after the other. Then the police charge in and everybody else runs out. In my drunken state I jump out of the window and straight onto a police car outside. And then car surf along the street, with the plod and drug addled customers not quite sure what they're seeing.

VWsurfbum

spongtastic Classic!
Prince of orange! wow i rember going there!