HILARIOUS JOKES
Comments
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A surprise visitor to the site of the rescue attempt in chile................ Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson asking for advice on how to get out of a f**kin deep hole by christmas!'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'0 -
Two TV aerials meet on a roof, fall in love , and get married........
.........................The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!!0 -
The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is
doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I
noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now
and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to The Inland Revenue"
"Inland Revenue?!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue " ...and about once a
year, they send us a little pr*ck like you"0 -
Chilean Miner alone with his Wife for the first time in Months. Can we turn the lights off he asks, of course we can she replies. Can I do you from behind he asks, anything you want my big brave hero. Ok then, can I call you Pedro?0
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Those Chilean miners are alright but I preferred 'em more when then was underground.....
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week, after you put a load in it
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. he says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?
In a bar in a remote Alaskan town, a newcomer hears people yell out numbers (#23!, #56, etc.) and then everyone laughs. He asks the guy next to him what's going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times, people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them. So he yells out #27! but nobody laughs. The guy next to him says, "Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He took it to the garage and the mechanic told him to come back in 2 hours.
As he was feeling very hot in the sun the penguin went into a local supermarket and decided to sit in the freezer for a while to cool down and kill some time. As he sat there he caught sight of a big tub of ice cream sat there.
He just couldn't help himself and quickly wolfed the whole lot down.
On his return to the garage the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"
The penguin licks his beak and says "No, it's just vanilla ice cream!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer
Eskimo child asks his mum what is for tea.
'Vera Lynn burgers' she replied.
To which the child replied 'Oh not Whale meat again'
oh! and the dyslexic man who walks into a bra......'since the flaming telly's been taken away, we don't even know if the Queen of Englands gone off with the dustman'.
Lizzie Birdsworth, Episode 64, Prisoner Cell Block H.0 -
Playing golf in South Africa a blokes opponent started shouting Katranga Katanga.."Thats Strange he replied..My African girlfriend keeps saying that when we sleep together ..What does it mean?...."..It means Wrong hole.".jc0
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Simon is on Stars in their eyes, Matthew Kelly sees that he is in a wheelchair, what happened he asks, I was in a car crash with my Uncle who died and my legs were amputated, they managed to save my Uncles legs and they grafted them on to me and I should be able to walk again in 6 months. Thats amazing says Matthew who then asks who he will be? Tonight says Simon Im going to be
Simon and Halfuncle
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A guy is out walking and gets very lost. Eventually it starts to get dark and he's starting to get worried when he sees a farmhouse in the distance. As he passes through the farmyard, he can't help noticing a three-legged pig in a pen, but he's a bit too tired to remark on it when he bangs on the door and asks for hel.
The farmer is very friendly, takes him in and offers him food and a bed for the night. They get along really well and, later on in the evening, they're enjoying a chat when the walker asks the farmer about the three legged pig.
The farmer says: "Well, that's an interesting story that is. That's probably the most remarkable pig in the world. A couple of months ago, I was out working in the barn when I had a serious accident. A piece of farm machinery fell on me and trapped me. I would have been a gonner if it wasn't for that pig. He saw I was in trouble, bashed down the door of his pen, ran down to the local police station and brought someone all the way back here. Saved my life did that pig"
The walker replies "That's amazing.....but how come the pig only has three legs?". The farmer replies "well, you don't eat an animal like that all at once......"0 -
A man walks into the dentist and says, I need counselling I think I'm a moth.
the receptionist says 'you need a psychiatrist, this is a dentists'
the man replies 'I know but your light's on'
a man goes to the Dr's and says, I think my ears a re playing up.
the Dr asks what are the symptoms?
man replies they're a yellow cartoon family?0 -
A man joins a monastic order and is told that it is a silent order, Only the Abbt can speak and as a monk he will only be allowed to speak once every 10 years.
at the end of 10 years the abbot calls him in and says - it is ten years since you joined, what would you like to tell me of your contemplation. the man says - Can I have another pillow for my bed please.
the abbot raises his eyebrows but nods and the man gets his pillow.
another 10 years pass, the abbot calls the man in and says 'You are doing well to have stayed with us these 20 years brother, what would you like to tell me of your time in our order. the man says 'I'd like more sugar in my tea please'
the abbot is a little taken aback but sends word to the kitchen
after another 10 years the abbot calls the man up in front of the whole monastary and says 'Brothers, this is our longest serving monk, he has been in slilent contemplation for 30 years now, listen whilst he tells us of the great insight he has gained into the human condition. The man says 'It's too cold, I'm leaving."
the abbot sits back in his chair, blows out his cheeks and says
Thank god for that, you've done nothing but moan since you got here.0 -
An old favorite
A man goes into an opticians with a violin case under his arm. The optician stis him down and asks him how his eyesite is. In reply the man opens the violin case and inside is ... a jobbie the exact size and shape of the case.
The optician rants, "You manky bastard! That's disgusting! It's not an optician you need, it's a doctor or a nutritionist or something!"
"No, no," the man replies, "You don't understand. Every time I do one of these my eyes water."
H/T to Billy Connolly.A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill0 -
Little Joey goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Joey says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Joey says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
Crapaud wrote:An old favorite
A man goes into an opticians with a violin case under his arm. The optician stis him down and asks him how his eyesite is. In reply the man opens the violin case and inside is ... a jobbie the exact size and shape of the case.
The optician rants, "You manky bastard! That's disgusting! It's not an optician you need, it's a doctor or a nutritionist or something!"
"No, no," the man replies, "You don't understand. Every time I do one of these my eyes water."
H/T to Billy Connolly.
Remember that you are an Englishman and thus have won first prize in the lottery of life.0 -
Scouser is walking down the high street in Croydon when he sees a video entitled "Liverpool The Glory Years" in the window display of a chairty shop.
He goes in and says to the assistant: "Eh ar kid, ow much for the 'Pool video like?"
After wiping the phlegm from his face, the assistant replies: "£100."
"That's a bit steep innit la?, the lovable cheeky scamp asks, "ow come its dat dear soft lad?"
"Well," the assistant says, "it's £1 for the tape and £99 for the Betamax player."0
