HILARIOUS JOKES

blueheeler

OK...
What have a 2 inch dick and a 6 foot taipan have in common?
Answer: Nobody wants to f*** with them.

A taipan is about Australia's most venomous snake. BTW this joke sounds better in Imperial measures rather than metric!

Anonymous

I sh*gged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky.....

I just managed to finish before she said no.

prb007

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?... a wonkey!

Where does a wonkey live?...in an unstable!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?...a carrot!

What's brown and sticky?...a stick!

All part of my son's repertoire (he's 9, btw!)

hennez

Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof.

prb007

You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster.
I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.........

beatsystem

the only joke was the mess Bankers got us into, and the idiots who seem to believe the current lot are too blame for the cuts.

Bankers my Friend got us into trouble and Wankers are trying to get us out of it.

abchandler

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a-kan-ga-root??

One is an Australian marsupial, the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift..


Thank you Twitter

Percy Vera

NapoleonD wrote:

Two monkeys in the bath.

First one says "Oooh ooh aah aah"

Second one says "Well, put some cold in then."

I'm sure you've told that joke on here before

rick_chasey

beatsystem wrote:

the only joke was the mess Bankers got us into, and the idiots who seem to believe the current lot are too blame for the cuts.

Bankers my Friend got us into trouble and Wankers are trying to get us out of it.

Maybe you should work for a bank. You'd fit right in.

Anonymous

Percy Vera wrote:

NapoleonD wrote:

Two monkeys in the bath.

First one says "Oooh ooh aah aah"

Second one says "Well, put some cold in then."

I'm sure you've told that joke on here before

It's the only joke I know.

CHRISNOIR

beatsystem wrote:

the only joke was the mess Bankers got us into, and the idiots who seem to believe the current lot are too blame for the cuts.

Bankers my Friend got us into trouble and Wankers are trying to get us out of it.

"Little bit of politics..."

all show no go

I'm writing a book about bestiality.

It's called The Farmersutra. :shock:

Percy Vera

There was a tap on the door......

Funny place to put a tap!



Two fish in a tank, one says to the other how do you drive this thing!

AndyF16

Fellow walks into a pub, orders a treble Cognac, necks it straight down then says to the barman "I really shouldn't have had that with what I've got" The barman asks "why, what have you got mate?" to which the punter replies "73 pence!"

A blonde walks into a pet shop and asks for a wasp - owner says I'm sorry we don't sell wasps madam "well you've got one in the window?" she replies

Ollieda

A man is in the shops with his son and the son sees a condom and asks what they are. Not wanting to lie to his son the father says directly "They are condoms son, men use them to have safe sex with women."

The boy looks at the 3 pack and asks "Why are there 3 in a pack"
The father replies "Well they are for the college boys, one for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday."
"What about these ones dad?" says the boy holding up a 6 pack.
"They are for the university men, two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday"
"What about the 12 pack dad?"
The man replies with a tear in his eye, "Well son, they are for the married men. One for January, one for Feburary........"

Wheelspinner

Young Johnny the 7 year old has noticed that brides always have a white dress on. He wonders why.

"Mummy, why do all brides wear white dresses when they get married?"
"Well, that's because white signifies purity and innocence," Mum replies. "It's a tradition."

Not satisfied with this answer, he goes out to the shed where Dad is fixing the lawnmower.

"Dad, why do all women wear white dresses on their wedding day?" he asks his Dad.

"Son, ALL kitchen appliances are always white."

hennez

Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local in a village. 'What's the quickest way to York?' he asks. The local scratches his head. 'Are you walking or driving?' 'I'm driving' the man replies. 'Hmmm' ponders the local. 'I'd say that's definitely the quickest way'.

Aggieboy

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger bloke?.................

















A tattoo.

hennez

A man was sitting in the bar when a jap walked up to him the jap said I a great sportsman I show u kick from Japan, kicked him in the head and said that was a kick from Japan. Half impressed the man went home and got a crowbar and came back and belted the jap on the head and said to the barman when he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from bunnings.

jonnycon

Spent some time at the wife's grave yesterday, she doesn't know, she thinks its a new pond.

hennez

Why do they tell kids at school not to blow up buses?


coz they might burn their lips on the exhaust!!!

bartimaeus

hennez wrote:

...that was a crowbar from bunnings.

Hmm... I guess you need to be an Aussie for that one.

This is the closest I could find... a 3-in-1 tool, including crowbar, from Bunnings

brin

Me and the wife were having a pre flight cuppa in the cafe at the airport, she looked out the window, sighed and said ' i wish i brought the t.v.'
'are you that bored?' i asked her
'no' she replied ' iv'e left our passports on it'

ju5t1n

outofbreath2 wrote:

A horse goes into a bar and the barman says 'why the long face?'

horse says... "I've got AIDS"

lucan

Man sitting at the dining table with his wife says to her:
"Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time".

She pauses, thinks for a few seconds and then says:
"You've got a bigger c*ck than all of your friends"

8)

Anonymous

Ollieda wrote:

A man is in the shops with his son and the son sees a condom and asks what they are. Not wanting to lie to his son the father says directly "They are condoms son, men use them to have safe sex with women."

The boy looks at the 3 pack and asks "Why are there 3 in a pack"
The father replies "Well they are for the college boys, one for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday."
"What about these ones dad?" says the boy holding up a 6 pack.
"They are for the university men, two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday"
"What about the 12 pack dad?"
The man replies with a tear in his eye, "Well son, they are for the married men. One for January, one for Feburary........"

That's not a joke :shock:

crumbschief

A man was found at his north london home today, drowned in a bowl of muesli.
Investigators say he was pulled under by a strong current.

Anonymous

A fat old woman stopped me in the street today & said "would you see me across the road love?"
I said "I'd see you from space you fat cow"

crumbschief

I'm sure i heard this on here,made me laugh and still does.

I've just come out of the chippy with a meat & potato pie, large chips, curry, peas and a jumbo sausage.

Outside a poor, cold homeless bloke sat there and said "I haven't eaten for 2 days"

I told him "I wish I had your will power"

Smokin Joe

A bloke runs over a fat guy who was crossing the road.

"Didn't you see me?", says fatty.

"Course I saw you".

"Then why did you hit me?", says fatty.

"Because I didn't have enough fcuking petrol to drive round you, you fat cnut".