HILARIOUS JOKES
Comments
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A mother is cleaning her son's room and comes across a selection of s&m and dominance porn mags under his bed. Worried, she phones the school psychiatrist to ask what she should do.
The psychiatrist replies "Well, I don't suggest you spank him!"0 -
Templeton Peck walks into a bar, but keeps going straight into the snug.
Barman says: Why the lounge Face?0 -
How Long is a man from Chinajc0
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My local ice cream man was found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police say he topped himself.0 -
A guy sees a sign in a window. 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard so he went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He walked into the house and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
'Ten quid.' the man said.
'Ten quid?? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f*cking liar. He never did any of that sh*te. '0 -
Sorry I didn’t see this thread (so I posted this separately first) so will drop this here too for your enjoyment: http://indiaknight.posterous.com/extremely-funny-joke0
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Women - Help Stop Rape.
Consent.............Giant Rapid 30 -
ddraver wrote:What noise does an exploding Monkey make?
BABOOOOON!
Ba-boon-tish....0 -
Ands' husband went to the chemist to get some Viagra. The chemist said "I need some proof that you need them before I can dispense them" Ands husband " Would a photo of my wife do?
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0 -
I asked my wife last night if she could give me a Chilean Miner. She said "whats that?"
I said "go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there till Christmas"0 -
has anyone else heard of the new collingwood bra???
lots of support but no cups............My bike takes me places that school never could0 -
Man to office girl "Have you got a pen"
"Yes" says the girl
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer finds you've escaped"2 Wheels or not 2 wheels..That is not in question.0 -
Saw a Banner on our Local Council Estate.."Happy 30th Birthday Gran!"jc0
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brilliant - re-post that on the 'lets scrap child benefit' threadjc4lab wrote:Saw a Banner on our Local Council Estate.."Happy 30th Birthday Gran!"0 -
Statisticaly 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel0
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Little Johnny is sitting in class constantly scratching himself. Stop doing that Johnny, what on Earth is wrong with you? I was circumcised says Johnny and its really itchy. Oh er says Teacher, I don't know, go to the office and phone your Mum.10 minutes later little Johnny walks back in to the classroom with his willy hanging out and tells teacher that Mum said that I should see if I can stick it out till lunch and she would come and get me0
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Dancing Bear wrote:
brilliant - re-post that on the 'lets scrap child benefit' threadjc4lab wrote:Saw a Banner on our Local Council Estate.."Happy 30th Birthday Gran!"
Similar vein..
Social services worker is interviewing a young woman at the council housing estate, who has asked for a bigger place.
SS: "How old are you?"
Woman: "Twenty next week."
SS (noting lots of toys on floor): "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Five"
SS: "FIVE? Dear me... what are their names?" <reaches for a new form>
Woman: "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
SS: "Pardon? They are all called Wayne? Isn't that a bit confusing?"
Woman: "No, much easier. All I do is yell out, Wayne, tidy the room, or Wayne, stop hitting your brother, and it's always the right one!" she smiles.
SS: "What if you want to tell them apart, or call one specifically?"
Woman: " That's easy. I just use their father's surnames instead."Open One+ BMC TE29 Seven 622SL On One Scandal Cervelo RS0 -
a bloke wanted to get a patent on three things........
so he goes to the patents office and tells the lady of the first thing he wants to get a patent on, a folding bottle. the lady asks him what he's going to call it. he replies "a fottle". The lady replies "isn't that a bit of a stupid name, you wont get many customers with a name like that, I spose we could organise that, ok whats the next thing" the man replies "a folding caton, I will call that a farton" the lady was so disgusted by the name that he didn't bother telling her about his new folding bucket.My bike takes me places that school never could0 -
A baby seal walks into a club............... :twisted:0
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Two builders, (Dave and Ben), are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Ben: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Ben: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Ben: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Ben: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker0 -
Mickey mouse and Minnie mouse are in court. Mickey wants to divorce Minnie.
The judge says to Mickey "You can not divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has got protruding teeth"
Mickey says "I didn't say she had protruding teeth, i said she was fu**ing goofy"
Next time your having a bad day, imagine this - You're a Siamese twin and joined at the hip. You're brother is gay but you're not. His lover is coming over and you've only got one ars*.
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Tarquin the teacher's pet, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Tarquin," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."0 -
What has Veronica Peroncell's chin got in common with a champions league goal post?
John Terry has whacked balls against both of them
A Welsh guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
I found a great chat up line that enables me to bed any woman i fancy, no matter how gorgeous or out of my league they are, it works every time......." excuse me love, could i ask your opinion , does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
A couple at a marriage counselling meeting are asked by the counsellor if they have anything in common? after a long and awkward silence the husband replies "well neither of us sucks c**k"
Discussing the recession wife says to husband " if you cycled to work we could get rid of the second car" husband replies " if you enjoyed anal sex and gave me a blow job, we could get rid of the nanny"0 -
How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a d**k it isn't your turn.
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your washing. Told that on a bus once,
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said
"He choked on my socks".
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
Why is the bible like a penis?.............................You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?...................Christopher Walken!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if Anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord. Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?...................................................Hitler tried to finish the race0 -
A ned and a junkie are in a car, who's driving?...........................The Cop!!!!
I was at a cash machine the other day,and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance... So I pushed her over.
Jokes about the Holocaust/Second World War/Nazi's etc. really disgust me, My grandfather died in the Holocaust.................................................................................. It was really awful. He fell off his guard tower.
Why do men fart more than women?...........................Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?..............................Everyone has the same DNA.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?................................Mace will do that to you.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?.......................Why should we fix it? We never use it!
Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? ............................Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.0 -
My wife just told me that in 9 months I will have a little surprise!..............................Oooooh, I can't wait for Santa to come now...I hope it's an Xbox
What do you call an Irishman who steals your pint?................................Nick McGuinness
My Thai bride says I have a big c**k. Sorry, I forgot my punctuation. My Thai bride says, "I have a big c**k".
During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".
Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.
I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller"..........I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible".
And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.......................................It's called the iRon
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living sh*t out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador too.
My wife bought some jeggings. I said, "What are they then?".
She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings". I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt"0 -
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A man and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly died. The undertaker says it will cost £5000 to send her home, and £50 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband without any hesitation says, ship her home. The undertaker said, but sir, why don't you bury her here and save a lot of money and hassle with paperwork. The husband replied, a long time ago, a man called jesus died and was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead..................i can't take that chance0
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Dazza2280 wrote:A man and his wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly died. The undertaker says it will cost £5000 to send her home, and £50 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband without any hesitation says, ship her home. The undertaker said, but sir, why don't you bury her here and save a lot of money and hassle with paperwork. The husband replied, a long time ago, a man called jesus died and was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead..................i can't take that chance
I was at a wedding recently & that joke was the highpoint of the best man's speech.0 -
I trust everyone saw the news footage of those people getting rescued from their ordeal? It was great to see the smiles back on their grubby little scabby faces and the faint glimmer of hope that all will be well in their pathetic mundane lives.
I still hope that Everton beat them on Sunday though.0
